One in Five Brits Are Unhappy with How Much Sex They’re Having – But ‘More Sex’ Isn’t Always the Answer
One in five Brits in relationships are unhappy with the amount of sex they’re having, according to new YouGov research, highlighting just how common differences in sexual desire can be between couples.
When one partner wants sex more often than the other, it can be easy to assume the solution is simply to have more of it. In reality, however, focusing too heavily on frequency can create pressure, make the lower-libido partner feel responsible for fixing the issue and leave intimacy feeling even less appealing.
Rather than concentrating on how often sex is happening, it can be more useful to understand what may be affecting desire in the first place.
Bethany Burgoyne, Vivastreet’s sex and relationship expert, says: “Before we assume the answer to a libido mismatch is simply to have more sex, we need to ask a more important question: what’s getting in the way of desire in the first place?
Lower libido is often connected to stress, exhaustion, external pressures or simply not having the energy to switch off, so it can be more useful to explore what helps you move out of that headspace – whether that’s having a night out without the kids, creating more time for affection and intimacy, trying something new together like dance classes or introducing a little novelty, such as experimenting with a blindfold or exploring different forms of touch like sensual massage or head strokes.
The key is to take away the expectation that these things must lead to sex; gentle physical intimacy can be valuable in its own right, and removing that pressure can sometimes create more space for desire to emerge naturally, responsively.”
That can mean shifting the emphasis away from sex as the end goal and making room for other forms of physical and emotional connection. Affection, touch and shared experiences can all help couples feel closer without either partner feeling that intimacy comes with an expectation attached.
Just as important is how couples talk about a mismatch in desire. For the partner who wants sex more often, a lack of intimacy can feel like rejection, while the partner with the lower libido may feel pressured, criticised or guilty. Approaching the conversation as a problem one person needs to solve can therefore make the situation more difficult.
“I’d suggest talking about a mismatch without making either partner feel at fault. Rather than saying, “You never initiate anymore” or “You’re always rejecting me,” try talking from your own experience: “I’ve been missing feeling physically close to you,” or “I’ve noticed my desire has changed and I’d like us to understand what’s going on.” That shifts the conversation away from blame and towards curiosity about what each person needs.”
For some couples, creating dedicated time for intimacy can also help. Although scheduling it might sound unromantic, setting aside uninterrupted time together can be useful when work, family life and everyday responsibilities continually push intimacy to the bottom of the list.
That doesn’t have to mean scheduling sex itself. Instead, it can simply create an opportunity to reconnect without distractions, while allowing both partners to decide what feels comfortable in the moment.
It is also worth remembering that differences in libido do not necessarily indicate a problem with the relationship. Sexual desire naturally varies from person to person and can change significantly over time.
However, where a change is sudden, persistent or causing distress, there may be other factors worth considering.
Bethany adds: “If a change in libido is persistent, sudden or causing distress, it’s worth looking beyond the relationship too – changes in hormones, medication, sleep, mood, pain, postpartum, grief or other aspects of physical and mental health can all affect desire, so speaking to a healthcare professional can be an important part of understanding what has changed rather than assuming it’s simply a relationship issue.”
Ultimately, navigating a libido mismatch is less about reaching a particular number and more about understanding what each partner needs to feel comfortable, connected and desired.
Taking the pressure off sex, making space for different forms of intimacy and having honest conversations without blame can often be a far more constructive starting point than simply trying to have more of it.
Elena has experience working as a seasoned property investor and real estate agent. She is now working as copywriter whilst pursuing her passion for journalism.
