Well, here it is, the post I never wanted to have to write. My husband Mike was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer in April. By that time, me and my daughter were expecting it, but it came as a horrible shock to Mike.
Things went on as usual, with no discernible difference for several weeks, but then he began to decline a little bit each day, It came about that he could no longer get up the stairs to our bedroom, so we moved back into the downstairs room that had been our bedroom before we converted the loft. Had to do a marathon delutter first! Fortunately, we still had our downstairs bathroom.
After a while, I was having to help him shower and shave etc, then further on, we had carers come in twice a day. I spent the last three months mainly sitting in the bedroom with him, he wanted me to be there, and I wanted to be there while we still had him. It means though that I am now monumentally unfit and will have to make a huge effort to get fitter, not as easy at my age now as it once was.
Mike got my daughter to buy him a lovely bunch of flowers for my birthday which was a lovely surprise. I didn’t feel much like celebrating, but my daughter made me!
He’s unshaven in this picture which is very unlike him. He just didn’t have the energy to be showered and shaved that day
Two weeks later it was the 49th anniversary of our meeting, and our 11th wedding anniversary. I didn’t think we would still have him by then, but he fought it with all that he had.
On the day we lost him, he waited until we were all in the room with him. We were all speaking to him, reassuring him and speaking softly and we were all there until the end. It’s been three weeks now and it still feels very unreal. Both a long time, and no time at all. Mind you, I lost my daughter 3 years ago and it STILL feels like I just haven’t seen her for a while.
This image is of us more than 30 years ago on a holiday cruise – don’t we look young!
My daughter and her husband stayed with us during the last couple of weeks and it was a massive support during an incredibly difficult time.
Caring for someone is very intense, as I know all of you who are doing the same know only too well. So to have someone to sit with Mike so I didn’t have to be with him 24/7 was very helpful. I obviously spent as much time as I could with him while we still had him, and Sam wanted to spend precious time with her Dad as well.
Interesting things I’ve learnt
For the last two years, I was quite worried about Mike’s diet. He was having far too many cakes and biscuits, and not enough vegetables. We know now that it was almost certainly the tumour sending instructions to his appetite centre. I was not very happy about it, but thought, well he’s 80 years old, he may as well eat what he wants at this age. So if you or a loved one start eating badly when you usually don’t, perhaps think about other reasons that it might be happening.
My daughter is a nurse of decades experience and when her Dad became ill, she started doing research, and one of the interesting things that she found was that tumours can often be implicated in causing a stroke. Shame we didn’t know that when Mike had his stroke
Apparently it’s fairly common, so we are now wondering why there isn’t a protocol to scan stroke patients to see if there is any cancer present. Apart from the obvious humanitarian issues, it would save the NHS a lot of money in preventing more serious illness in the future.
The Future
I am gradually emerging from the fog. One of the things t look forward to is going a coupke more u3a groups. I quite fancy the group that get out on trips using our local buses. It’s very simple, just a trip to a local village or town, tea and a cake, or a bit of lunch, a bit of a mooch around, and back home. I like simple things like that.
Another u3a group that I quite fancy is one that goes visiting local open gardens, another simple pleasure.
I’ll be going back to choir in a bit, but not just yet. I couldn’t handle a big group like that yet.
And I’ll be meeting friends for a coffee more often. I’m pretty introverted and my natural inclination is to be at home and not go anywhere. I DO enjoy socialising, but I only do it because I know it’s good for me, I’d be just as happy not!
I’ll be writing about my foodie discoveries again in a while, I’ve got a little list!
