A reader writes:
I work in a licensed profession and supervise several staff members with a wide range
of experience levels. I have been in this field for 12 years and spent about half that time
as a staff-level employee.I am struggling with what feels like the parentification of my job as a professional supervisor. How do I deal with some of the newer staff who constantly demand things from me that are so far outside the scope of my role? How do I get staff to stop treating me like I’m their mommy here to teach them how to live and function as an adult in a workplace rather than how to substantively perform their job? What am I doing to make staff think this is a welcome dynamic, and how do I change that?
I have frequent one-on-ones with staff about the status of their substantive work where I am happy and prepared to talk through questions, strategize, and even hold mini trainings. I review written work product, provide constructive feedback, and offer follow-up meetings to discuss edits. Increasingly, meetings will include unprompted sharing from staff including things like details about their specific prescription medications, elective medical procedures that have no bearing on work, and intimate details about their personal lives.
The most stressful part is the increase is emotional outbursts from staff. We have multiple staff who have broken down sobbing, including in front of professional adversaries, in ways that I find wildly inappropriate. This also happens in my one-on-ones to the point where I’ve had to reschedule them when a staff couldn’t compose themselves even after taking a break. Aside from feeling inappropriate, these types of reactions feel far beyond proportional, and I feel uncomfortable with being tasked to help emotionally regulate adults at work.
I don’t consider myself a particularly warm or maternal person, so it’s even more confusing to me when staff do this. I try to be compassionate in the moment but also communicate that I’m not a therapist and have to have boundaries. I never reciprocate or overshare my own personal life and try to pivot discussions to work-related things like work flow strategies, referrals to HR, and reminders about our available employee resources. I want to treat staff like people and not robots, of course, but this feels over the line.
My fellow supervisors agree the problem is increasingly overwhelming. We’re mostly seeing it from younger staff who are new to the workforce, and it has increased as we have hired more Gen Z staff. We notice that it’s worse when a staff person hasn’t had a job before their current role — no service industry background or jobs during school, etc. We saw a huge uptick in these issues when we started hiring staff who went to college or grad school during Covid.
This has become the most stressful part of my job and the part that feels the least sustainable. I don’t want to leave this field because I am genuinely passionate about and good at the work I do, but this is really driving me crazy. Is it me? Am I jaded and grouchy? How do I make them get a grip?
You can read my answer to this letter at New York Magazine today. Head over there to read it.
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