\n
Cassidy, boyo, the drink\u2019s finally gotten yeh.<\/em><\/p>\nThe Irish doorman of the Grassy Knoll Pub had no other explanation for what had to be the hallucination of four men in Hawaiian shirts colorfully decorated with the heads of Shiba Inu dogs wearing sunglasses. They\u2019d emerged from a very official looking black Suburban which said \u201cDepartment of Government Efficiency\u201d in gold lettering.<\/p>\n
And one of the hallucinations was now talking to Cassidy.<\/p>\n\u201cDo you have a landline phone, sir?\u201d it said.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhussat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you have a landline phone? One with a base that attaches to a wall by a cord? We can\u2019t get cell phone service at all around here.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cassidy blinked. \u201cYou\u2019re a real person,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you for real, man? Look, do you have a landline phone or not? My colleagues and I are all late for our field analysis testing and we need to tell our boss we\u2019re on our way.\u201d<\/p>\n
Our very old, perpetually soused Irishman had an evil idea. One truly awful, horrible idea even by his degenerate standards.<\/p>\n
\u201cAbsolutely I have a landline and I\u2019d be happy to let yeh use it, lad. Come with me over here to my place of business and we\u2019ll get yeh sorted.\u201d<\/p>\n
With a magnanimous wave of his had, Cassidy beckoned the four men into the Grassy Knoll Pub.<\/p>\n
\u201cDoes this place have Wifi?\u201d one agent asked as Cassidy turned on the lights.<\/p>\n
\u201cSure, and good Wifi at that. The boss\u2014I mean I\u2019m generally picky about this stuff when fantasy football season comes \u2018round.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCool. Where\u2019s the phone?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you have public restrooms?\u201d another agent asked. Cassidy pointed to the men\u2019s room.<\/p>\n
This left two men at the bar looking nervous. Cassidy decided to try and defuse the tension.<\/p>\n
\u201cDrinks, gents?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure\u201d one said. \u201cI\u2019ll have a kombucha? And my colleague, Agent Bolis, will have a ginger beer?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAgent..Bolis? And what\u2019s yer name lad?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m Agent Svet He. Dennis Svet He, and that\u2019s Agent Jeffrey Bolis.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAgents Svet He and Bolis?\u201d Cassidy chuckled. \u201cI suppose yer pals are Agents Ligma and Johnson, eh?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know Bobby and Stan?\u201d Agent Bolis asked. This caused Cassidy to spit amber ale.<\/p>\n
\u201cGet the fuck out of here. That\u2019s actually yer names?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo,\u201d said the man identified as Jonathan Ligma. \u201cThey\u2019re callsigns because our boss has a twelve-year-old\u2019s sense of humor.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou mean [REDACTED]?\u201d Cassidy was surprised at the words being forcibly muted from his lips. The DOGE agents smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cYeah, no one can say his name ever since that stupid Politico article about our agency. Now Bossman\u2019s got a next-gen audio and print censor meme drone on his name. You can only think his name now. Try to say [REDACTED] or print [REDACTED] and you\u2019ll fail. He says he\u2019ll fix the thought issue by Quarter 3 of this year.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell. We have no kombucha gents, and the ginger beer only comes in a proper Moscow Mule, but ol\u2019 Cass has a proper libation for each of yeh.\u201d With a wicked grin the Irishman poured five cocktails the color of Hawaiian Punch. He set one in front of each DOGE agent and invited them to taste his concoction.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cOur hostess made this. She calls it a \u201cRuby Slipper\u201d on account of her being a big \u201cWizard of Oz\u201d fan. Try it!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTastes like Kool aid,\u201d Agent Johnson remarked.<\/p>\n
\u201cIs there any alcohol in this?\u201d asked Agent Ligma.<\/p>\n
\u201cNot much,\u201d lied Cassidy.<\/p>\n\n
Several hours and several Ruby Slippers per man later, the Grassy Knoll pub\u2019s jukebox blared truly awful punk songs as the men threw darts.<\/p>\n
\u201cI can\u2019t believe he put Big Balls in charge of the grant payment systems.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBalls is good with money. It\u2019s what the Boss signed him for.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBalls is a cunt and so is Big Boss.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cGentlemen!\u201d Cassidy proffered a tray of shots to the four DOGE agents. \u201cWith compliments of the house, I present to yeh Stan Cocke\u2019s private reserve White Lightning moonshine!\u201d<\/p>\n
The men all downed their shots. Gagging and coughing, they to a man proclaimed it tasted like gasoline and battery acid had a baby.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat we need is some of that stuff the boss smokes when he does podcasts,\u201d slurred Agent Svet He.<\/p>\n
\u201cYe looking for this, gentlemen?\u201d With a wicked grin, Cassidy produced a baggie of the devil\u2019s lettuce and a pack of cheap cigars.<\/p>\n\n
Jesse Custer, the Grassy Knoll Pub\u2019s proprietor, arrived at his establishment to work on quarterly taxes around seven AM the next morning.<\/p>\n
He was surprised to find the Knoll\u2019s front door opened with a simple twist of the knob as the Knoll was supposed to have been closed the day before by his drunk Irish doorman, Cassidy.<\/p>\n
Jesse\u2019s surprise was compounded when the smell of a Reggae festival wafted through the door and four men who looked like death warmed over spilled out, coughing, hacking and vomiting. He thought to see if the men needed any help, but they practically fell into a black suburban parked in front of his pub before speeding away.<\/p>\n
As Jesse Custer peered into the dark interior of the Knoll, he spied Cassidy lounging in a folding lawn chair. The very old, very drunk Irishman stumbled towards his friend and employer as he fished a cigarette from his shirt pocket.<\/p>\n
\u201cCass, what the hell happened here last night?\u201d Custer asked. \u201cWhat the hell did you do?\u201d<\/p>\n
The Irishman took a drag from his cigarette, exhaled then smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cMe fookin\u2019 patriotic duty as an American.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Cassidy, boyo, the drink\u2019s finally gotten yeh. The Irish doorman of the Grassy Knoll Pub had no other explanation for what had to be the hallucination of four men in Hawaiian shirts colorfully decorated with the heads of Shiba Inu dogs wearing sunglasses. They\u2019d emerged from a very official looking black Suburban which said \u201cDepartment […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4302,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[97],"tags":[6365,11337,12721,38234,2961],"dealstore":[],"offerexpiration":[],"class_list":["post-73923","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-legal","tag-cassidy","tag-doge","tag-justice","tag-seaton","tag-simple"],"yoast_head":"\n
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