{"id":7078115,"date":"2026-10-06T12:33:14","date_gmt":"2026-10-06T12:33:14","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=7078115"},"modified":"2026-10-06T12:33:14","modified_gmt":"2026-10-06T12:33:14","slug":"ten-supportive-things-im-glad-somebody-said-to-me-charlotte-walker","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=7078115","title":{"rendered":"Ten supportive things I\u2019m glad somebody said to me \u2013 Charlotte Walker"},"content":{"rendered":"


\n<\/p>\n

\n

I certainly received a lot of comments on my last post \u2013 many, many more than I was hoping for or expecting! A couple of people suggested that it might be useful and\/or interesting to see a similar list of ten things which would<\/strong> be helpful to say to someone experiencing depression. I have also had some interesting discussions in the past 48 hours about whether people can sometimes be unintentionally insensitive, because they simply don\u2019t know what to say and feel awkward and embarrassed about not knowing what would help.\u00a0So today\u2019s post is a list of the warm, supportive, empathic things that people have said to me, that have helped me get survive my most recent depressive episode. It\u2019s not intended as a definitive list, or a guideline<\/strong>, but anyone wanting to support someone struggling with depression could do a lot worse than taking a look some of the more general of these.<\/p>\n

(A brief word about what I haven\u2019t<\/strong> included. I\u2019ve left out, \u201cI love you\u201d and \u201chow are you?\u201d I see both as somewhat double-edged, depending on who\u2019s saying them and how they are said. \u201cI love you\u201d is usually a very positive and helpful thing for me to hear, but it has also been said in a way that increases my sense of guilt when I am feeling suicidal \u2013 \u201cbut I love you!\u201d = \u201chow could you think of doing that to me?\u201d. \u201cHow are you?\u201d when asked in sincerity can express a genuine desire to hear how you are coping, but all too often is a social nicety which doesn\u2019t really want a serious answer.)<\/p>\n

1)\u00a0 \u201cHere\u2019s my number.\u00a0 Call me <\/strong>any time<\/strong><\/em>.\u00a0 And I mean any time.\u201d\u00a0 (Various friends)<\/strong><\/p>\n

An interesting feature about clinical depression is just how hard it makes it to reach out to people. As I sink deeper into an episode, my ability to connect with people \u2013 something I usually feel is one of my strengths \u2013 slowly peels away.\u00a0First, I don\u2019t have the heart for socialising in groups, attending evening classes, going to family gatherings, etc. Next, I stop wanting to meet friends on a one-to-one basis. Around this time, the idea of speaking to people on the phone starts to become abhorrent too.\u00a0 In my last depression, in the spring of this year, I became so socially withdrawn after stopping work that eventually I stopped going into shops; the basic please and thank you, the smile and the eye-contact,\u00a0 had become too difficult. I realised that I was becoming almost phobic about social interaction. If I went out, I went to parks or gardens and headed for what looked like quiet areas; if other people drifted near me, I moved away, terrified I might end up having to speak to someone.\u00a0Sometimes I would go a whole day without uttering a sound and wonder if my voice even worked any more. The only way I felt I could communicate was through text, so Twitter and email became a real lifeline.<\/p>\n

So when someone offers me their phone number during a depression, I am 99% sure I won\u2019t ever call them (although I might text). But that doesn\u2019t actually matter; it\u2019s the offer<\/em>, the genuine attempt of a friend or colleague to put themselves at my disposal, which helps.\u00a0Someone cares, and they want me to know it.<\/p>\n

2) \u201cWhat can we do to help you regain your equilibrium?\u201d\u00a0 (Friend)<\/strong><\/p>\n

The person who said this is a friend in her own right, but she is also the mother of one of my son\u2019s dearest friends, so our families know one another well. She was therefore concerned about my own well-being and also about how my children might be feeling. I couldn\u2019t actually think of anything specific when she asked me, but I knew from her question that if I should ever need the children to be entertained for a little while, someone to talk to, or other practical help of any kind, she would do what she could to provide. I particularly liked that she did not<\/em> say, \u201cWhat can we do to make you feel better?\u201d or, \u201cWhat can we do to get you through this?\u201d\u00a0and that she dropped her question into our conversation as if it were the most natural thing in the world. There was no wanting me to be fixed, to hurry up and get better, but simple faith that my equilibrium could, and would, be regained over time.<\/p>\n

3)\u00a0 \u201cThat must be very difficult.\u201d\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

Two people in my life (one a friend, one a relative) take time to listen to me, and don\u2019t say very much other than this.\u00a0They sometimes ask questions, but they don\u2019t offer advice; they don\u2019t say they\u2019ve had the same experience; they don\u2019t try to suggest things aren\u2019t as bad as I think they are.\u00a0They simply acknowledge that what I am going through \u2013 whether the illness itself, the medication side-effects, or the consequences for my career \u2013 sounds as if it must be very hard to deal with.\u00a0The result: I feel heard.<\/p>\n

4)\u00a0 \u201cI know you\u2019re taking your meds, but they\u2019re not working for you, are they, sweetie?\u201d\u00a0 (Senior colleague)<\/strong><\/p>\n

A slight edge of constructive \u201ctough love\u201d in this one. I was explaining to my colleague that I didn\u2019t understand how I could be becoming depressed again, because I was doing all the \u201cright\u201d things. I\u2019d completed my NHS therapy, and my workplace counselling, and my self-funded Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy<\/a>; I was exercising; and I was taking exactly the same dose of antidepressants that had kept me on an even keel for nearly ten years. Without realising it, I had started to believe that the treatment plan was unquestionable, so I<\/em> must be the problem, in my failure to respond to it. My colleague helped me to see the reality: that the treatment was no longer working for me, and it was time to try something different. I left her having promised that I would make an appointment with my GP and request a referral to a psychiatrist for at least a medication review.\u00a0And thank goodness I kept my word, because things got much, much<\/em> worse in the interim.<\/p>\n

5)\u00a0 \u201cWhat sense do you make of everything that\u2019s been happening to you?\u201d\u00a0 (Consultant psychiatrist)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Full marks to my psychiatrist for working in a collaborative way with me to establish a diagnosis and treatment plan.\u00a0He took a very detailed history, but at the point where many doctors would deliver an expert verdict on diagnosis, he asked me this question.\u00a0I think he had already sensed that he and I had reached a similar conclusion, but he wanted to hear it from me, rather than imposing his views onto my experiences.\u00a0I really appreciated that, because it left me feeling credited with intelligence and awareness, and with being the expert on my own condition, despite my evident state of crisis. I am very lucky in that my GP also sees me as having the best knowledge and insight into my own mental health. When I came to her saying that I needed to see a psychiatrist, after over five years of being treated quite happily in the Primary Care sector, she didn\u2019t question my need for a referral for even a moment. If I was saying things were bad, things were bad. The NICE <\/a>clinical guidelines for treating depression and bipolar stress that healthcare professionals should \u201cbe respectful of the patient\u2019s knowledge and experience of the illness\u201d and that they should \u201cbuild a trusting relationship and work in an open, engaging and non-judgemental manner\u201d, but I know only too well that not every doctor works in this way.<\/p>\n

6)\u00a0 \u201cThe times when you\u2019re unwell don\u2019t matter!\u00a0 I\u2019d rather have one of you than ten other people with a clean sickness record.\u201d\u00a0 (Manager)<\/strong><\/p>\n

This came from one of my first managers I had when joining my current employer. I had disclosed my condition as a disability under the Disability Discrimination Act (now superseded by the Equality Act 2010<\/a>) and had been doing well for over a year, when I hit a low-mood blip.\u00a0I was going through a difficult relationship breakup, and hating myself for not being able to hold things together at work.\u00a0My manager came into the staffroom and found me sitting alone, crying. I was mortified, because I was sure that she would think so much less of me for seeing me in that state.\u00a0On the contrary, she was extremely warm and supportive. I expressed my fear that my tendency towards depression made me less credible as a professional person. She helped understand my worth to her and to the department, and my potential within the organisation, by showing me that my illness was small part of what she saw in me. OK, she was clearly exaggerating in saying I was worth ten other people, but it did me good to hear that my skills, productivity and general attitude far outweighed my mental health difficulties in her eyes.<\/p>\n

7)\u00a0 \u201cJust let me know when you\u2019re ready to come back.\u201d\u00a0 (Choir director)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Singing has always been a joy to me, and an excellent way to switch off my busy mind, but sometime in the spring I stopped going to choir rehearsal.\u00a0As I\u2019ve already said, I was finding any sort of social interaction tough, and choirs depend on you being an active part of a group. As if that wasn\u2019t enough, I was beating myself up because I found it difficult to practise during the week, and becoming increasingly anxious about messing up in rehearsal or not being performance-ready for the next concert.\u00a0Choir has taken a break for the summer now anyway, but the director has been in touch to see how I am doing and whether I\u2019m likely to be back in September.\u00a0It\u2019s audition only, and there\u2019s usually a waiting list to join, so I was starting to think that having been away so long might be legitimate grounds for her to give my place to someone else. Receiving an email saying that I don\u2019t have to rush back if I I\u2019m not ready yet, but that I will be welcomed whenever I choose to return, has put my mind at rest.<\/p>\n

8 ) \u201cI\u2019m not going anywhere.\u201d\u00a0 (My partner)<\/strong><\/p>\n

Here\u2019s another depression Catch-22. When I become depressed, I start to worry that my partner won\u2019t want to stick around, because I\u2019m depressed and boring (see no. 3, Ten Things Not to Say to a Depressed Person)<\/em>. This thought makes me feel more depressed, so I become more boring. Round and round it goes! I\u2019m sure it must be tedious for my partner having me doubt his commitment, but he\u2019s very good at providing the steady, constant reassurance that I need to hear.<\/p>\n

A number of my friends have expressed similar sentiments. On hearing that I don\u2019t feel ready or able to socialise at the moment, they have gone out of their way to let me know that they will still be there (as will the opportunities to meet up) when I\u2019m feeling more like myself again. I appreciate having that spelled out for me.<\/p>\n

9) \u201c\u2026as best you can.\u201d\u00a0 (Meditation teacher)<\/strong><\/p>\n

I love this phrase. It contains within it the biggest lesson that I learnt in my eight week Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy course. When I started, I was determined to \u201cdo it right\u201d. I swore I would never miss my home meditation practice, would attend every class, and generally be a model student. Halfway through, I had given up on my homework, and was thinking of leaving the course because I hadn\u2019t lived up to my own expectations.\u00a0 My patient, caring teacher helped me to see that I had missed the whole point of the course: the aim was for me to learn to be gentle with myself, in fact to be generally less judgemental and more accepting of how things really are. You can\u2019t fit in a full hour\u2019s practice every night?\u00a0 Practice as best you can<\/em>, for half an hour, ten minutes, even five. You feel uneasy doing a certain type of meditation? Explore that feeling as best you can<\/em>, and once you have played with the boundaries of your discomfort, switch to a practice which seems a better fit for you.\u00a0 Your joints won\u2019t let you sit on the floor for 40 minutes at a time? Sit on a chair, lie on your back; try a stool, a cushion, a beanbag; try moving meditation, mindful yoga, a walking meditation, Qigong exercises \u2013 practice as best you can.<\/em><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve tried to apply this philosophy to the basic business of living as a depressed person.\u00a0 For example, I know exercise is good for me, but when I am in the slowed-down state that is acute depression, moving my body around seems so difficult that it would be impossible for me to run or swim. So I exercise as best I can<\/em>, giving myself credit even for a gentle stroll round the park or a walk up and down my own street. I know it\u2019s best to eat healthily, avoid sugar and alcohol, etc, but when I\u2019m very down I can only make the best food choices I can. I\u2019m not always successful, of course; I still beat myself up fairly regularly for not doing \u201cenough\u201d exercise, or not eating \u201cproperly\u201d, but then I try to bring myself back to common sense with this phrase.<\/p>\n

10)\u00a0 \u00a0\u201cSorry to hear you\u2019ve been poorly.\u201d\u00a0 (My cousin)<\/strong><\/p>\n

I have an older cousin who I\u2019ve always really admired. He is a few years older than me, and when we were teenagers he was the cool cousin, the one who played in a band and had his own car. Even now we\u2019re in our late 30s, I still look up to him and have a lot of respect for what he\u2019s achieved in life. I had got myself really worried about telling him that I had been unwell, and particularly about my new diagnosis of bipolar, because I am never sure how people are going to react. Being phone-avoidant, I disclosed my difficulties to him via a text message, and he replied with a text including this sentence. I found it so comforting; it was just so matter of fact, as if there was no difference at all between a mental illness and a physical one \u2013 which is exactly how he behaved when we next met.<\/p>\n

Looking over this list, what can I learn from it?\u00a0 I think a few themes emerge:<\/p>\n

\u2013\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I find it most helpful when people are able to listen and empathise, without trying to fix me or fix the situation.<\/p>\n

\u2013\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 I appreciate it when people are honest if they don\u2019t know what to do to help.<\/p>\n

\u2013\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Several of the comments in my last list negated my view of my own illness.\u00a0 I can understand that it may make people very uncomfortable, but denying the existence of my problems is very disempowering. Good friends and good healthcare providers accept my version of my experience.<\/p>\n

\u2013\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 People who care about me also have a very important role in helping me see things as they really are (and myself as I appear to them), when I am trapped in spirals of negative thought and emotion.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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