{"id":7076416,"date":"2026-10-05T03:38:17","date_gmt":"2026-10-05T03:38:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=7076416"},"modified":"2026-10-05T03:38:17","modified_gmt":"2026-10-05T03:38:17","slug":"why-is-my-life-full-of-narcissists","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=7076416","title":{"rendered":"Why is my life full of narcissists?"},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <br \/>\n<\/p>\n<div itemprop=\"text\">\n<p data-pm-slice=\"1 1 []\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"size-medium aligncenter\" src=\"https:\/\/blog.penelopetrunk.com\/cdn\/Hugh-Hayden.png\" width=\"545\" height=\"363\"\/>One of my most popular posts is about how <a href=\"https:\/\/blog.penelopetrunk.com\/2022\/09\/30\/your-partner-isnt-a-narcissist-he-has-autism-and-so-do-you\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer nofollow\">narcissism is a subset of autism<\/a>. Since then I realized narcissism and autism are both about being terrible at setting boundaries.<span id=\"more-22591\"\/><\/p>\n<p>Autism is a disorder of extremes. Too much talking or not enough. Running around all day or not moving. Eating everything or eating five foods. Boundaries work the same way: too close or too far, because we can\u2019t see where we\u2019re standing. We would never believe that about ourselves. We\u2019re obsessed with self-knowledge, so we assume we have it. But knowing a lot about yourself is different from knowing where you are in relation to another person.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Enmeshment and neglect are the same thing<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>An enmeshed parent can\u2019t separate from the kid. The parent\u2019s childhood was about making their own parent happy, so it\u2019s logical to them that the kid\u2019s job is to make them happy, <a href=\"https:\/\/blog.penelopetrunk.com\/2019\/10\/14\/worst-parenting-book-of-the-year-esther-wojcickis-homage-to-narcissism\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer nofollow\">even while they say <em>everything I do I do for you<\/em><\/a>. Neglect is not the opposite of enmeshment, it\u2019s the same. When no one is home, the kid feeds himself, comforts himself, does the parent\u2019s job for the parent.<\/p>\n<p>In both enmeshment and neglect the parent doesn\u2019t see where the kid ends and they begin, and from outside that looks like someone who thinks the world revolves around them. Ask the parent and they\u2019ll tell you they care so so much and how could you even ask. Give them an example and they\u2019ll tell you their great explanation. But a parent without boundaries <a href=\"https:\/\/critica.filosoficas.unam.mx\/index.php\/critica\/article\/view\/1528\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer nofollow\">always picks the part of the job that\u2019s more interesting<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>Olympic champ Alysa Liu had to quit figure skating to get her dad to stop running her life. He went to everything, fought with the coaches, and made her skating his skating. When she quit, she said <a href=\"https:\/\/www.si.com\/onsi\/athlete-lifestyle\/news\/alysa-liu-says-dad-arthur-didnt-deserve-to-be-happy-about-her-skating-decision-olympics\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer nofollow\">he didn\u2019t deserve to have an opinion about it<\/a>. That\u2019s enmeshment. It\u2019s also neglect, because he only cared for the part of her that was interesting to him. He has <a href=\"https:\/\/www.today.com\/parents\/alysa-liu-parents-dad-arthur-liu-rcna259917\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer nofollow\">five kids by surrogate<\/a> and decided they didn\u2019t need a mother: easier for him this way.<\/p>\n<p>He devotes almost all his time to his children. He would never think he\u2019s selfish, and he\u2019d be right that he\u2019s trying hard not to be. <a href=\"https:\/\/link.springer.com\/article\/10.1007\/s12144-022-03261-1\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer nofollow\">Research on narcissism<\/a> shows the concern narcissists have for other people is real, and it\u2019s driven by fear. He\u2019s taking care of his kids to manage himself. What Alysa makes clear is her dad can\u2019t see where he stops and his kids start.<\/p>\n<p><strong>You can see it in everyone but you<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>A child can\u2019t defend herself from a parent with no boundaries. But an adult can. If you grew up with no boundaries, you marry someone who also has no boundaries. The signs are everywhere when you meet someone. Something as basic as asking for money early in a relationship is a red flag to everyone outside the relationship. The person inside it can\u2019t see those flags.<\/p>\n<p>This is the disorder: not just that we see crossed boundaries in other people\u2019s lives but not in our own. But also we don\u2019t believe that we don\u2019t know what we don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n<p>So let\u2019s say you leave and find someone different. They won\u2019t be different because you can\u2019t value a skill you can\u2019t see, and the people who have good boundaries expect that from their partner. Also, don\u2019t tell me you married your opposite. Anti-conformists date other anti-conformists, which is <a href=\"https:\/\/www.technologyreview.com\/2019\/02\/28\/136854\/the-hipster-effect-why-anti-conformists-always-end-up-looking-the-same\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer nofollow\">why they all look alike<\/a>. Everyone marries someone like them. You\u2019re better off <a href=\"https:\/\/guilfordjournals.com\/doi\/abs\/10.1521\/jscp.2014.33.1.25?casa_token=eiKyoiDpmAIAAAAA%3AdaMdDrnC2JR3YaGrP3mTA8AOL875-C4J5INC2cTmMBrYZVxMjo2mkBWdq_NgVGTAaFciW4MBViY\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer nofollow\">figuring out how your partner is like you<\/a> than explaining how they aren\u2019t: that\u2019s how you\u2019ll learn about yourself.<\/p>\n<p>Nino and I were both neglected. I felt unloved and lonely, so I made sure to always there for my kids. I quit my job to work from home, homeschooled, chose where we lived based on the kids. I was always veering close to enmeshment. I thought I escaped my parents\u2019 neglect by doing the opposite. But really I brought that inability to see boundaries into my own marriage.<\/p>\n<p>Nino grew up with an only child who didn\u2019t do child things \u2013 the parents treated him as an adult. So to Nino, a family organized around the children felt like there was nowhere for him. From the outside it looked like narcissism: I worked all the time and he was disinterested in the kids. Inside, we were two people who wanted desperately to feel closeness and love and didn\u2019t know how to get there.<\/p>\n<p><strong>Annoyance is part of love<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>First you\u2019re infatuated, then you find out what\u2019s annoying about the person, then the annoyingness feels like an emergency you have to fix. If you stay past that, the annoying thing becomes something you understand about the person. And only then does it become <a href=\"https:\/\/doi.org\/10.1371\/journal.pone.0282482\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer nofollow\">something you understand about yourself, because you picked them<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>Divorce was terrible for me and Nino which is maybe explained by people with anxious attachment <a href=\"https:\/\/pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/articles\/PMC4397145\/?utm_source=chatgpt.com\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer nofollow\">don\u2019t bounce back divorce.<\/a> And guess who has anxious attachment? <a href=\"https:\/\/www.sciencedirect.com\/science\/article\/pii\/S019188692500217X?via%3Dihub\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer nofollow\">Couples with narcissism<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>I read that <a href=\"https:\/\/news.harvard.edu\/gazette\/story\/2025\/04\/is-dining-with-others-a-sign-of-happiness-world-happiness-report\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer nofollow\">sharing meals stabilizes a family<\/a> more than money does. I stopped fighting with Nino about money and now we eat together almost every night. I\u2019m not saying dinners are perfect, but they\u2019re closer to perfect than divorce. Because you can\u2019t learn to do boundaries by getting rid of the person you can\u2019t do them with.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>One of my most popular posts is about how narcissism is a subset of autism. Since then I realized narcissism and autism are both about being terrible at setting boundaries. Autism is a disorder of extremes. Too much talking or not enough. Running around all day or not moving. Eating everything or eating five foods. [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7076417,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[102990],"tags":[247,3333,233712],"dealstore":[],"offerexpiration":[],"class_list":["post-7076416","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-self-management","tag-full","tag-life","tag-narcissists"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Why is my life full of narcissists? - Som2ny Network<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=7076416\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Why is my life full of narcissists? - Som2ny Network\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"One of my most popular posts is about how narcissism is a subset of autism. 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