To make it worse, you\u2019re dealing with the kind of person who\u2019d happily disconnect an orphan\u2019s ventilator to charge his phone. He asks for a concession. And another. He keeps pressing and you keep caving. All the while, the sensible part of your brain is banging on the glass.<\/p>\n Now you probably think you\u2019re bad at negotiating because you don\u2019t know what to say. Yet you can explain exactly what was wrong with the deal for forty-five minutes afterwards. You look at the agreement like, \u201cHow did this happen? Who agreed to these terms?<\/em>\u201d Sadly, the meeting had only two participants and the other guy seemed delighted.<\/p>\n The problem is that you\u2019re a nice person (Homo accommodatus). You want everyone to feel comfortable. Unfortunately, the other person wants a discount, and these two objectives can be reconciled entirely at your expense.<\/p>\n I get it. Trust me; I\u2019ve been there. At this point I\u2019m pretty sure somebody I\u2019ve dealt with owns a yacht named He Didn\u2019t Want to Make a Fuss<\/em>.<\/p>\n Most of the advice on how to be a better negotiator is useless to nice people because it usually amounts to a personality transplant. So what should you do? I know a guy who has the answers\u2026<\/p>\n Thomas Schelling shared the Nobel Prize in economics in 2005. During the Cold War, he applied game theory to nuclear deterrence, figuring out how enemies could deal with one another without literally ending the world.<\/p>\n And, yes, these ideas have uses even if you don\u2019t own a missile silo. If Schelling could figure out how superpowers could make a deal without vaporizing each other, he can handle your landlord.<\/p>\n You can remain a nice person. We just need to stop making that such a lucrative fact for everybody else.<\/p>\n This time we\u2019ll be drawing on \u201cThe Strategy of Conflict<\/a>\u201d by Thomas Schelling.<\/p>\n Let\u2019s get to it\u2026<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n You\u2019re a nice person. You\u2019ve probably had negotiations in which your primary achievement was securing excellent terms for the other side. That\u2019s not a strategy recommended in business schools, but I\u2019m guessing their admissions offices would be thrilled to discuss tuition with you.<\/p>\n What should you do? Schelling says: tie your own hands.<\/em><\/p>\n The power to constrain an adversary, he writes, \u201cmay depend on the power to bind oneself.\u201d If you can give in, they\u2019ve got a reason to keep pushing. Remove that ability and the pressure shifts dramatically.<\/p>\n Imagine you and I are playing chicken. We both slam the gas, our cars headed straight at one another. Then you notice I\u2019m removing my car\u2019s steering wheel. I throw it out the window. I am now utterly incapable of swerving. Our cars are rapidly approaching. Are you more likely to swerve? I bet you are.<\/p>\n \u201cColorful example, Eric, but that\u2019s not reality.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Sure it is. In fact, it\u2019s probably happened to you. Ever bought a car?<\/p>\n The salesman asks your budget. Gauges how much you want the car. Gets a few concessions. After you\u2019ve moved toward his position, he announces, \u201cI\u2019ll check with my manager.\u201d Turns out the guy who could accept your concessions can\u2019t authorize any of his own.<\/p>\n He returns looking sad. Oh, he fought for you. God, how he fought!<\/em> But HIS HANDS ARE TIED. His tyrannical manager in the back room is going to need another nine hundred dollars. And you nod sympathetically, like you two are coworkers dealing with the same lousy supervisor.<\/p>\n You don\u2019t dislike the salesman. You reserve your resentment for his manager, who, for all you know\u2026 may not exist. The salesman has outsourced the unpleasant part of having a backbone.<\/p>\n Somebody who can\u2019t make concessions is a lot harder to push around than somebody who can.<\/em><\/p>\n Take a quick look around and you\u2019ll notice a lot of people you deal with have \u201cmanagers in the back room.\u201d The airline can\u2019t change your seat because \u201cthe system won\u2019t let me.\u201d The insurance company would love to cover it, but it\u2019s \u201cpolicy.\u201d<\/p>\n The lesson? Get someone to say no for you.<\/em> You can still be the nice person. But your spouse has to sign off before you can agree to anything. Or your accountant needs to approve transactions over $500. So you have to check with them before committing to anything over that.<\/p>\n And don\u2019t forget defense. Before any major negotiation, ask, \u201cDo you have authority to approve the final deal, or does somebody else need to sign off?\u201d If somebody else is the decider, ask to involve them early. And make your concessions conditional on acceptance of the total package.<\/p>\n (To learn how to use FBI hostage negotiation techniques to lower your bills, click here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n Another Nice Person Problem is when things descend into endless haggling and you end up caving. Schelling knows how to prevent this too\u2026<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n The problem here is you haven\u2019t established a reason<\/em> to stop negotiating. Why this price? Why shouldn\u2019t you move another four inches toward whatever would make the other guy\u2019s afternoon more wonderful?<\/p>\n Before you argue about the number, propose the principle that will determine it.<\/em><\/p>\n An \u201cequal split\u201d has an explanation built in. So does the \u201cstandard rate.\u201d Set a focal point and you\u2019re discussing evidence instead of bickering over arbitrary numbers. Which rates are relevant here? Is this job comparable to previous ones?<\/p>\n Figure out a principle that favors you and suggest it up front. If they propose one first, ask what makes their standard appropriate before agreeing. \u201cSame as last year\u201d sounds sensible until you remember that last year you also got shafted and now your embarrassment is getting an anniversary.<\/p>\n (To learn the 5 secrets to negotiating salary, click here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n Another Nice Person Problem: you have boundaries, but they keep pushing at them. How do you make your position more defensible?<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n You tell them, \u201cI try to limit weekend work.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n They hear the word \u201ctry\u201d and conclude you sometimes make exceptions. Of course, they\u2019d like to book one. If you leave wiggle room, oh, how they wiggle\u2026<\/p>\n It\u2019s a little-known corollary of Einstein\u2019s theory of relativity that \u201ctoo much\u201d is a unit of measurement that dilates, getting smaller when you\u2019re receiving and larger when you\u2019re paying. That\u2019s what happens when your limits aren\u2019t binary; everyone shows up with their own definition of what \u201coften\u201d means.<\/p>\n Say, \u201cI don\u2019t work Sundays.<\/em>\u201d Period. They can push, but you haven\u2019t given them an opening they could drive a truck through.<\/p>\n Replace \u201cPrompt payment is appreciated<\/em>\u201d with \u201cI\u2019ll start when the deposit arrives.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cLet\u2019s limit changes<\/em>\u201d is now \u201cThis includes two rounds of revisions. More rounds cost extra.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n Ask yourself: can both of us easily tell when the line has been crossed? If so, it\u2019s a clear limit.<\/p>\n (To learn the most critical negotiation tactics they teach in MBA programs, click here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n A lot of this can still feel hard for nice people. What\u2019s an easy tip that can make a big difference immediately?<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n A default is what happens when nobody does anything. Since people are lazy, whatever happens by default happens a lot<\/em>.<\/p>\n Research<\/a> shows that defaults dramatically affect whether people agree to be organ donors. Having to opt in or opt out mattered. So, yeah, even a decision about the future whereabouts of your internal organs can be affected by defaults.<\/em><\/p>\n Make your preferred outcome what happens unless someone steps in and suggests a change. If you\u2019re organizing dinner, say, \u201cLet\u2019s do Tuesday at seven. Let me know if it doesn\u2019t work.\u201d<\/p>\n Now silence gets you what you want.<\/p>\n (To learn the 9 secrets to being an expert negotiator, click here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n But what if the person you\u2019re dealing with is untrustworthy? How do you deal with someone who you don\u2019t think will follow through?<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Often, nice people would rather risk a big loss than commit a social faux pas. And that\u2019s how a person with excellent manners gets mined like a natural resource. You didn\u2019t want to say, \u201cHow do I know I can trust you?<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n So break the big exchange into smaller exchanges that happen in sequence. Each person does a little, sees whether the other delivers, and then moves forward.<\/p>\n Before committing to anything big, pay for a piece of it. Hiring somebody to redo your kitchen? Don\u2019t fork over the whole budget and pray. Pay for them to begin. If the old cabinets actually leave the building, pay for the plumbing. Trust goes up as evidence comes in.<\/p>\n Yeah, some people will respond to this like you\u2019ve demanded a stool sample. \u201cDon\u2019t you trust me?!?<\/em>\u201d A good response is: \u201cThis gives both of us a chance to see how well we work together.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n (To learn how to negotiate like an expert, click here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n Of course, some people will still try to exploit you. How do you make people take your boundaries seriously?<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Nice people\u2019s enforcement policy usually has two settings: \u201cNo problem at all\u201d and \u201cI WILL BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND.\u201d No intermediate stage.<\/p>\n But they know you won\u2019t be burning anything down. And you know you won\u2019t be burning anything down.<\/p>\n So make the consequences smaller but make them certain.<\/em><\/p>\n When your phone says 1% battery, you get off your butt. You know the consequences and you know it will happen and there is no negotiating. Your phone isn\u2019t going to say \u201cOh alright, this time I\u2019ll go to -6%.\u201d<\/p>\n Decide ahead of time what you\u2019ll do and let\u2019em know. Keep it small enough that you\u2019ll actually follow through on it. And spell out what flips the switch and what makes it stop:<\/p>\n \u201cWork pauses when an invoice is overdue and resumes once it\u2019s paid.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cIf voices are raised, I\u2019ll leave the conversation and return at seven.<\/em>\u201d<\/p>\n Keep the consequence within your control. You can stop working. You can leave a conversation. You can\u2019t make someone else \u201cshow some respect.\u201d I can\u2019t even get people to read the second sentence of a text message.<\/p>\n![\"game-theory\"](\"https:\/\/bakadesuyo.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/game-theory.jpeg\" "\\"game-theory\\"")
You show up to the negotiation wanting to be reasonable. You\u2019ve prepared several ways to demonstrate this, all of which involve receiving less.<\/p>\nTie Your Own Hands<\/h2>\n
Set The Focal Point Before The Talk Starts<\/h2>\n
Make Your Limits Binary<\/h2>\n
Make What You Want The Default<\/h2>\n
Build Trust In Installments<\/h2>\n
Make Consequences Small And Certain<\/h2>\n