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Oh, fuck yeah. I\u2019ve been in something of a low place recently, what with my brief foray into Satanism with the new Archgoat<\/strong> a few weeks ago, and my offputtingly enjoyable experience listening to Anthrax<\/strong> during my last review, so I feel like I need a reset. <\/p>\n Luckily, my editor over at MetalSucks<\/em> decided to not be an insufferable shit for once in her worthless life, and gave me the green light to introduce a little wholesomeness to you wannabe purveyors of the Dark Arts. <\/p>\n That\u2019s right, motherfucker, get ready to be bukkaked by the Love of Christ. <\/p>\n Here\u2019s my review of the new Stryper<\/strong>, and if you don\u2019t like it you\u2019re more than welcome to get mouthfucked by Lucifer for all eternity. See if I care.<\/p>\n Track 1: Throne of Thorns<\/strong><\/p>\n I feel bad for being so harsh in that intro. Now, with that being said, will I admit to being wrong? Fuck no.<\/p>\n Track 2: Here in Your Heart<\/strong><\/p>\n Oh, hell yeah. That opening riff belongs in the goddamn Library of Congress. Speaking of which, this shit needs to be mandatory in public schools, like prayer. I\u2019ll save that soapbox speech for another time, but you know it\u2019s coming.<\/p>\n Track 3: Falling<\/strong><\/p>\n You know what? Fuck it. They kicked Jesus out of our public schools, and then what happened? Kids are using litterboxes instead of bathrooms, if Fox News is telling the truth, and I\u2019ve never known them to embellish anything or have any sort of agenda. That bullshit wouldn\u2019t be happening if they were playing Stryper<\/strong> during the morning announcements, I\u2019ll tell you that much.<\/p>\n Track 4: I\u2019m Alright (I\u2019m Okay)<\/strong><\/p>\n I love this and, more importantly, so does God.<\/p>\n Track 5: Waiting For You<\/strong><\/p>\n This is inspiring me to haul my old Gibson out of storage. I know it drives my old lady Doreen<\/strong> fucking crazy, but see if I give a toss. She can bitch all she wants. It won\u2019t stop me from rockin\u2019.<\/p>\n Track 6: Carry the Flame<\/strong><\/p>\n Wait, nevermind. She\u2019s in the living room watching Virgin River<\/em> and I don\u2019t want to bother her.<\/p>\n Track 7: Hollywood<\/strong><\/p>\n 7 tracks in, and these guys haven\u2019t let up one bit. Is Stryper<\/strong> in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, or do I need to go off on another Reddit rant? I swear, it hasn\u2019t been the same ever since they let Missy Elliott<\/strong> in.<\/p>\n Track 8: Beautifully Broken<\/strong><\/p>\n Big surprise: another stellar tune. Praise the Lord!<\/p>\n Track 9: Ashes to Roses<\/strong><\/p>\n I don\u2019t think I\u2019m exaggerating when I say this is the best album any band has ever released, ever.<\/p>\n Track 10: Alone Again<\/strong><\/p>\n It\u2019s heart-wrenching that there\u2019s only one song after this. They\u2019re really making sure it closes out with a bang, though.<\/p>\n Track 11: Shadowbreaker<\/strong><\/p>\n Good thing you can\u2019t see my eyes welling with tears over how much of a transformative experience listening to this album has been for me. I\u2019m going right back to Track 1 after I finish this review for you freaks.<\/p>\n There you have it. 5\/5, of course. It feels good that I\u2019m finally using my incredible music-reviewing skills to spread the Gospel. Love you, Jesus. <\/p>\n As for the rest of you degenerate fucks, see you next week.<\/p>\n \n The post DISGRUNTLED DAD REVIEWS With DAVE MUSTCOMPLAIN: STRYPER \u2013 THRONE of THORNS<\/a> appeared first on MetalSucks<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Oh, fuck yeah. I\u2019ve been in something of a low place recently, what with my brief foray into Satanism with the new Archgoat a few weeks ago, and my offputtingly enjoyable experience listening to Anthrax during my last review, so I feel like I need a reset. Luckily, my editor over at MetalSucks decided to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7075459,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[236012],"tags":[342,15601,236013,236014,3698,236015,52405,29770],"dealstore":[],"offerexpiration":[],"class_list":["post-7075458","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-disgruntled-dad-reviews","tag-dad","tag-dave","tag-disgruntled","tag-mustcomplain","tag-reviews","tag-stryper","tag-thorns","tag-throne"],"yoast_head":"\n