\n<\/p>\n
At this point, tens of thousands of words have been spilled about the Cornell 7<\/a>, the group of seven fraternity brothers at Cornell University accused of drugging and sexually assaulting a 20-year-old student over the course of seven hours in 2024. There\u2019s outrage at the legal system<\/a> that failed Jane Doe; there\u2019s disgust with the power structures<\/a> that allow some families and some men to face limited consequences<\/a> for their actions; there\u2019s a rallying cry to ban frats<\/a> on campuses.\u00a0<\/p>\n And then, there are all of the moms out there, at a loss for how to raise boys who don\u2019t hurt women<\/a>\u2014and don\u2019t stand by quietly when other people hurt women. Tomika Anderson wrote in Essence<\/a> this week: \u201c I want to raise a son who understands that his responsibility to another human being doesn\u2019t end with, I didn\u2019t do it.\u201d<\/p>\n Because it defies reason, right? How are we raising young men who, en masse, are comfortable referring to a drugged and incapacitated woman as sexually available in the crudest terms possible? Men who use phrases like, \u201cshop still open?\u201d to find out if they too can participate in her alleged gang rape? How is it possible that not one single student in the seemingly fraternity-wide group chat titled \u201cChi Phi Actives\u201d<\/a>\u00a0 alerted the authorities when that<\/em> text went out?\u00a0<\/p>\n It\u2019s actually not that surprising; in fact, it\u2019s the probable outcome of the systems that we have collectively built. The small gains we might have made over the years, in accountability for sexual violence<\/a>, some movement toward gender equity<\/a>, and in bodily autonomy<\/a>, are slipping away. And they\u2019re being replaced by casual violence, sexism, and normalized cruelty\u2014all rewarded by algorithms that value reaction<\/em><\/a> above all else.\u00a0<\/p>\n That idea of normalizing cruelty is what guts me \u2014 as a woman, as a human, as a parent.\u00a0<\/p>\n Because it\u2019s hard to imagine that those seven frat boys at Cornell came to their casual cruelty through a lack of choice and opportunity. They were at one of the best schools in the country\u2014they had all the choices in the world and all of the opportunities ahead of them.\u00a0<\/p>\n What\u2019s alleged in Jane Doe\u2019s lawsuit could only have taken place if the men she named had a casual disregard for her life, body, and autonomy. If they didn\u2019t see her as equally human. If perhaps, they didn\u2019t see her at all. We\u2019ve heard so many times that rape isn\u2019t about sex. It\u2019s about power.<\/a> These men allegedly exercised their power over a drugged and incapacitated 20-year-old. Eventually, two of them, by Doe\u2019s account, intervened to \u201cshut it down<\/a>.\u201d But not before seven alleged assaults. Not a single boy in the group chat was willing to give up whatever modicum of power and status he had within the group to speak up before the assaults happened, or call the police, or to remind the rest of the group of this woman\u2019s humanity. Let alone to help her leave the house.\u00a0<\/p>\n The internet is ablaze with women shouting for justice, for accountability, and for change. And for raising boys who know and do better. How do we ensure our boys don\u2019t morph from sweet, kind, good boys into monsters \u2014 without our clocking it?<\/p>\n My own son is fortunate enough to attend an elementary school where the educators and administrators spend a lot<\/em> of time thinking about how we educate young boys \u2014 both so we don\u2019t leave them behind, and so we celebrate and elevate what is special about them. What\u2019s interesting to me is that the divide between boys and girls becomes so clear during these years. Speaking in generalizations, boys wiggle and have difficulties with impulse control<\/a>. Girls activate the communication centers of their brains much earlier<\/a> on and clearly and easily raise their hands, do \u201cwhole-body listening,\u201d and verbalize their thoughts and ideas.\u00a0<\/p>\n From the perspective of my 1st grader, who has traditionally gravitated towards close friendships with girls, \u201cgirls are better at everything.\u201d And I can see that he feels his own sense of inequity in this. Things are often easier for girls<\/a>. Their brains develop differently. And sometimes, they are even unkind about it, and his sensitive soul explodes with the injustice of it all.\u00a0<\/p>\n But it\u2019s my job \u2014 perhaps my main job, after keeping him safe and fed and sheltered \u2014 to start to bring context to his feelings. I can\u2019t allow this feeling of competitiveness or inequity to shape his view of how men and women should treat each other. I can\u2019t let it plant the seeds of resentment toward girls and women. In the closed bubble of elementary school, perhaps girls have an unfair advantage. But out in the world writ large, the decks are stacked against us.\u00a0<\/p>\n I\u2019m starting to have some of these conversations with him now \u2014 not sharing the deepest depths of darkness out there, but using his obsession with Hamilton<\/em> or his interest in Greek mythology to point out the power structures limiting Angelica Schuyler or Penelope or Eurydice from living life on their own terms. (Shout out to the Greeking Out<\/a> podcast from National Geographic\u2014their \u201coracle\u201d interjects with asides observing sexism, racism, and other problematic behaviors in the most kid-friendly way.)<\/p>\n But even more urgently, I see now that I have to talk to him about cruelty. We are making our way through the second Harry Potte<\/em>r book at present, and there are some teachable moments in there. The word \u201cmudblood,\u201d the treatment of Dobby the house elf, and Draco Malfoy\u2019s reflections of his dad\u2019s biases have been particularly fertile ground for discussion.\u00a0<\/p>\n But just as we talk about inclusion \u2014 \u201cIf someone says you can play but your friend can\u2019t, you have to just say \u2018that\u2019s not cool,\u2019 and find something else to play. Because we take care of our friends and are kind to everyone\u201d \u2014 we also have to start talking about cruelty. What it might look like, why it might be confusing to spot when others disguise in a veneer of casual fun, and how to tell others to stop \u2014 or at least walk away and find a trusted adult who can intervene.\u00a0<\/p>\n This last part is essential, because group dynamic peer pressure<\/a> is particularly powerful in boys, and it\u2019s not enough to raise kids who know what the right choice is and can make it for themselves.\u00a0<\/p>\n We need our kids to be active participants in this world who speak their minds when they see others<\/em> doing something wrong<\/a>, even when the consequence might be ridicule and social isolation.\u00a0<\/p>\n Before I had kids, I would have assumed that if you inculcate your kids with a clear idea of right and wrong, and a strong sense of their own values, nothing like this could happen. But now I\u2019m not so sure. I know for a fact that it\u2019s not good enough to just lead by example. Don\u2019t get me wrong: That part is important. But we also have to have hard conversations, and be honest about this world and its realities so our kids don\u2019t come face to face with hard things unarmed with anything more than a Pollyannaish sense of good and evil.\u00a0<\/p>\n Our culture<\/a>, our political leaders<\/a>, and our media<\/a> are filled with ideas about casual racism, sexism, bigotry, and cruelty. The internet is vast and full of rabbit holes waiting to radicalize our boys<\/a>, if we aren\u2019t vigilant. And the power of a persuasive group of peers to a kid with a partially developed prefrontal cortex<\/a> and a desire to fit in is unfathomably strong. So, I have to arm my kid with something even stronger than that.\u00a0<\/p>\nWe live in a world that normalizes cruelty<\/h2>\n
We must raise boys who don\u2019t resent women\u00a0<\/h2>\n
We must raise boys who push back against cruelty, even when it\u2019s hard<\/h2>\n