\u201cI\u2019m so sorry darling. I don\u2019t understand why nobody has shown up\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n I did understand. I just didn\u2019t have the heart to explain to my shattered newly 7 year old, sobbing, in our empty living room, decorated full of balloons and banners to celebrate his birthday party. He had invited his whole class. None of them showed up.<\/p>\n You see, my son was \u201cthe naughty boy\u201d<\/em> in the class. The one the other parents told their \u201cgood\u201d<\/em> child to avoid. The one they never invited over for a playdate and made excuses when we invited their child. He was \u201cthe child\u201d<\/em> that so many parents post about, complaining, on social media discussion forums. Asking other parents of \u201cgood children\u201d<\/em> how to navigate splitting their child\u2019s friendship up, because they don\u2019t want \u201cthe naughty child\u201d<\/em> to negatively influence their well-behaved and well-mannered child.<\/p>\n I will tell you now, there is nothing as heartbreaking as seeing your child being shunned by others, especially when the instructions come from other parents. <\/p>\n As the parent to a \u201cnaughty child\u201d<\/em> you see the sideways glance on the school run. You over-hear the quick whisper between two parents at the playground. You notice the slight pause before another child\u2019s parent accepts an invitation to play and the inevitable polite, but unbelievable, excuse when they don\u2019t. You desperaetly try to help your child to make friends, to experience the childhood that others get to enjoy, but you are constantly knocked-back, rebuked, ignored and you know exactly why.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re a parent of a child who\u2019s been labelled \u201cnaughty,\u201d you\u2019ll know these moments intimately. The looks, words and gestures may be small and subtle, but they accumulate like layers of dust, settling heavily on already exhausted shoulders.<\/p>\n Nowhere is this more painful than when your child has ADHD; when the meltdowns aren\u2019t just seen as bad behaviour, but as a reflection of your parenting. When your child\u2019s struggle with self-regulation is viewed as a character flaw rather than a neurological condition. Both parent and child so deeply misunderstood. You are a bad parent to a bad child and they don\u2019t want your failures and your child\u2019s to rub off on their own child. that\u2019s what the message really is beneath the attempts at social niceties.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re a parent of a \u201cwell-behaved child\u201d, the ones whose children sit quietly on the carpet at story time, who don\u2019t scream in the supermarket, who say \u201cplease\u201d and \u201cthank you\u201d without being prompted, who never lash out or swear, this isn\u2019t an accusation. It\u2019s an invitation. An invitation to really understand what it\u2019s like to be a parent to a \u201cnaughty child\u201d, to really understand the child\u2019s behaviour, and to understand who you and your child can help.<\/p>\n You see our child in a ten-minute window on the school playground, or at another child\u2019s birthday party (where the parent has been brave enough to invite them). They may shout too loudly, run around during pass the parcel, struggle with turn-taking and push another child when they won\u2019t let them have a go on a piece of play equipment, have a meltdown over the colour of a balloon, or throw out a swear word when asked to leave. You might wonder why they\u2019re not better behaved. Why we, as parents, don\u2019t seem to be doing more to \u201ccontrol\u201d them. You may think we don\u2019t discipline, that we\u2019re permissive, too gentle \u2013 or maybe too harsh. <\/p>\n What you don\u2019t see is the two hours we spent convincing them to go to school. The panic when they realised the party room was louder than they\u2019d imagined. The internal chaos triggered by another child telling them to \u201cgo away, my mum says I\u2019m not allowed to play with you\u201d<\/em>. The sensory overload, the anxiety, the sheer effort of trying to hold it all together in a world that doesn\u2019t fit the way their brain works.<\/p>\n And what you certainly don\u2019t see is the silent devastation we feel when we catch your eye across the room and recognise the look. Not of curiosity, not of concern, but of judgement. Dismissal. Disapproval. We see you steer your \u201cgood child\u201d<\/em> away from ours and we know why.<\/p>\n It\u2019s not just the looks, or words that we catch as their parent. Your child doesn\u2019t invite ours to their party, we know why. You don\u2019t return the text about a playdate, we know why. You quietly warn your child to \u201cstay away\u201d <\/em>and encourage them to make friends with another, better behaved, child.<\/p>\n We don\u2019t always get told directly, but children talk. One day your child will say to ours, \u201cMy mum say \u2019m not allowed to play with you\u201d<\/em> and then our child learns something they\u2019ll carry with them for a long time: that they are unwanted. That they are, somehow, less<\/em>, or too much. They already know they don\u2019t fit the norms, they already struggle as a square peg in a round hole at school, but now they know, categorically that they don\u2019t fit in what they thought was their friendship group either. Their peers don\u2019t want them. Can you imagine the impact that has on their self-esteem as they grow? Maybe you\u2019ve herad the saying \u201cthe child who doesn\u2019t feel the warmth of the village will eventually burn it down to feel its warmth?\u201d. We don\u2019t want that to happen, we want our children to be included right from the very start.<\/p>\n ADHD isn\u2019t a parenting failure. It\u2019s not a lack of discipline. It\u2019s not a child choosing to be difficult. It\u2019s a neurodevelopmental condition that affects the way the brain processes information and responds to the world. Children with ADHD often struggle with impulse control, emotional regulation and executive functioning. They are not being \u201cnaughty\u201d, they are struggling. <\/p>\n What they need isn\u2019t distance. It\u2019s understanding. What we, as their parents, need isn\u2019t silence. It\u2019s support.<\/p>\n ADHD isn\u2019t catching either. Your child won\u2019t suddenly start to copy our child\u2019s dysregulation if they spend time together. They won\u2019t suddenly become a delinquent because they are friends with our child. You\u2019ve raised them better than that. <\/p>\n You have the power to change the narrative. As the parent of a neurotypical child, you\u2019re in a position of privilege and with that comes responsibility.<\/p>\n You can teach your child that not all children are the same, and that\u2019s a good thing. That some children find it harder to sit still, to wait their turn, to manage their emotions. You can talk to them about ADHD in a gentle, age-appropriate way. Help them see that their classmate isn\u2019t being difficult; they\u2019re finding things difficult.<\/p>\n You can encourage inclusion. Suggest inviting the child who\u2019s always left out. Stay close, support the interaction, help it go well. Your presence and encouragement might just change both children\u2019s day, perhaps even their year or (no I\u2019m not exagerrating) their life.<\/p>\n And if it doesn\u2019t go perfectly? That\u2019s fine. Children don\u2019t learn empathy through perfection. They learn it through guidance, through making mistakes and trying again, through seeing the adults around them model kindness and compassion. Raising allies isn\u2019t easy, but it is so very worth it. You\u2019ll be growing your child\u2019s altruism, acceptance, compassion and respect skills too, it\u2019s a win-win for everyone.<\/p>\n When you offer understanding instead of judgement, you help not just our children, you help us too. You make the world feel a little less lonely. A little less heavy. And when we feel supported, we can be calmer. More patient. More present. And our children feel that. Our children are always watching us. If we respond to difference with fear or avoidance, so will they. If we meet it with compassion, they will too.<\/p>\n Inclusion benefits everyone. Your child learns patience, empathy and resilience. Our child gets the opportunity to practise social skills in a real-world, low-pressure setting. You get to be the kind of parent your child will grow up proud of. And we, the tired, worried, battle-worn parents of a \u201cnaughty child\u201d<\/em> get to breathe a little easier, knowing we\u2019re not alone and knowing that the world will come to love our child, just as we do.<\/p>\n If your child is never the one being excluded, left out, misunderstood, then it\u2019s your child\u2019s turn to be the includer. The helper. The friend.<\/p>\n And if you find yourself feeling unsure of how to do that then just start by saying hello. Start by staying for that awkward playdate. Start by asking how things are going, and meaning it. Small acts of kindness can change the world for one child and their family.<\/p>\n For those of us raising children who are often seen as \u201ctoo much\u201d, too loud, too emotional, too impulsive, a little kindness goes an awfully long way.<\/p>\n My new book RAISING ATTENTION<\/a> is all about the emotional and physical toil of raising children with explosive behaviour (whether they have ADHD, or not). It is a love-letter to all the exhausted parents who want to help their child (and themselves) but are not sure how. It is full of support, no judgement, from a mum who has been in your shoes. It\u2019s out July 3rd. You can get a copy HERE<\/strong><\/a>.<\/p>\nWhat You Don\u2019t See<\/h3>\n
The Impact of Exclusion<\/h3>\n
What ADHD Really Means<\/h3>\n
You Can Make a Difference<\/h3>\n
Support Helps Everyone<\/h3>\n
A Final Word<\/h3>\n
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