{"id":7069218,"date":"2026-09-28T16:16:00","date_gmt":"2026-09-28T16:16:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/peraltafinancing.com\/uncategorized\/on-building-more-durable-relationships\/"},"modified":"2026-09-28T16:16:00","modified_gmt":"2026-09-28T16:16:00","slug":"on-building-more-durable-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=7069218","title":{"rendered":"On Building More Durable Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"


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Some of my coach\u00ading and con\u00adsult\u00ading work is in uni\u00adver\u00adsi\u00adty set\u00adtings. Not long ago I heard a pro\u00adfes\u00adsor at a fac\u00adul\u00adty meet\u00ading voice con\u00adcern about his stu\u00addents. He\u2019s some\u00adone who gen\u00aduine\u00adly cares about his stu\u00addents as matur\u00ading human beings who face pres\u00adsur\u00adized aca\u00add\u00ade\u00adm\u00adic and social environments.<\/p>\n

\u201c<\/span>You don\u2019t want to demor\u00adal\u00adize them,\u201d he said to his col\u00adleagues. \u201cYou want to sup\u00adport them but some of them don\u2019t real\u00adize that we\u2019re also here to eval\u00adu\u00adate their work, as well. Espe\u00adcial\u00adly for some of my Ph.D stu\u00addents, I have to be care\u00adful not to crit\u00adi\u00adcize lest they go into a doom loop and become less pro\u00adduc\u00adtive. I\u2019ve seen stu\u00addents get feed\u00adback from me and turn their work around. But I\u2019ve also seen stu\u00addents who I\u2019m con\u00advinced ulti\u00admate\u00adly suc\u00adceed\u00aded only by my say\u00ading noth\u00ading at\u00a0all.\u201d<\/p>\n

He chalked the dif\u00adfer\u00adence up to the lev\u00adel of self-knowl\u00adedge of the stu\u00addent. There were those who knew their work was\u00adn\u2019t what it need\u00aded to be and actu\u00adal\u00adly wel\u00adcomed feed\u00adback that helped them and there were those who did\u00adn\u2019t seem to know their work had prob\u00adlems and either sim\u00adply did\u00adn\u2019t want the feed\u00adback or could\u00adn\u2019t han\u00addle it and would\u00a0crash.<\/p>\n

All of which has remind\u00aded me of Car\u00adol Dweck\u00ad\u2019s artic\u00adu\u00adla\u00adtion of fixed vs. growth mind\u00adsets<\/a>: the impor\u00adtance of being okay with mis\u00adtakes, with not know\u00ading what to do or how to pro\u00adceed yet<\/em>, with hav\u00ading faith in our capac\u00adi\u00adties to grow and learn, and with the under\u00adstand\u00ading that per\u00adfec\u00adtion is an unre\u00adal\u00adis\u00adtic, soul-killing stan\u00addard. These prob\u00adlems with the fixed mind\u00adset can be traced to a key under\u00admin\u00ading belief \u2014 that intel\u00adli\u00adgence is a fixed thing. You have enough of it or you don\u2019t. And if you don\u2019t, you are in trouble.<\/p>\n

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\n\"_DKO2603\"<\/a>\n<\/div>\n<\/figure>\n

The idea of dura\u00adbil\u00adi\u00adty in rela\u00adtion\u00adships<\/em> may have a sim\u00adi\u00adlar aspect. We may believe our con\u00adnec\u00adtions with oth\u00aders are frag\u00adile and fixed and we need to be very care\u00adful with them, or that they are evolv\u00ading, can take some ups and downs and raw moments because that\u2019s how we learn about each oth\u00ader and deep\u00aden our relationships.<\/p>\n

In the late 1980\u2019s I came across an ear\u00adly edi\u00adtion of The Coach<\/strong> by Steven Stow\u00adell and Matt M. Strace\u00advich<\/a>. It was the first book I read that sug\u00adgest\u00aded work\u00adplace rela\u00adtion\u00adships ought to be \u201cdurable,\u201d mean\u00ading we ought to be able to share tough per\u00adfor\u00admance or con\u00adduct feed\u00adback with\u00adout that inevitably lead\u00ading to some\u00adone leav\u00ading or get\u00adting fired. This was long before our cur\u00adrent lay\u00aders of social dis\u00adcord, learn\u00ading trends like \u201cresilience,\u201d or advo\u00adca\u00adcy for trau\u00adma-informed lead\u00aders and teams. To me, through all these pass\u00ading stages, durable<\/em> has remained a most pow\u00ader\u00adful word \u2014 a growth mind\u00adset applied to our capac\u00adi\u00adty to build<\/em> relationships.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m think\u00ading of the pro\u00adfes\u00adsor and his reluc\u00adtance to offer feed\u00adback at all to some of his stu\u00addents while also know\u00ading this is not<\/em> opti\u00admal in terms of his charge as an advi\u00adsor. It seems to me he did\u00adn\u2019t have con\u00adfi\u00addence or did\u00adn\u2019t see his role as build\u00ading rela\u00adtion\u00adships as much as tech\u00adni\u00adcal and ana\u00adlyt\u00adi\u00adcal learning.\u00a0<\/p>\n

To be fair, that\u2019s not easy work at times and where dif\u00adfi\u00adcult feed\u00adback is con\u00adcerned, we tend to focus how to be per\u00adfect in our deliv\u00adery of tough news rather than build\u00ading a rela\u00adtion\u00adship that\u2019s a durable con\u00adtain\u00ader for that news. For exam\u00adple, we place pres\u00adsure on those offer\u00ading feed\u00adback to be per\u00adfect\u00adly<\/em>:<\/p>\n