![\"Life](\"https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/files\/life-will-not-wait.jpg\")
<\/p>\n(Image<\/a>)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n A nurse who cared for dying patients in the last weeks of their lives recorded the most common regrets among them. The top ones were wishing they didn\u2019t work so hard, wishing they had the courage to express themselves, and wishing they had let themselves be happier.<\/p>\n When death becomes imminent, we often get striking clarity on what\u2019s important and what\u2019s not. Here are the top 5 regrets of the dying, as identified by former palliative nurse Bronnie Ware, and how we can use these insights to improve our life now.<\/p>\n Bronnie says, \u201cThis was the most common regret of all when people realized that their life is almost over [\u2026]. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to the choices they had made or not made.\u201d<\/p>\n Have you ever been told what to do in your life, even though it isn\u2019t what you really want? For example:<\/p>\n I remember when I first told others about my plan to quit my well-paying corporate job and start my personal development business, everyone around me reacted negatively, including my parents and friends. \u201cYou\u2019re going to regret it,\u201d a good friend said. \u201cNO! Starting a business is very risky. Your job pays you so well and you get pension,\u201d my parents said<\/a>. \u201cYou shouldn\u2019t quit your job. It\u2019s the recession now and it\u2019ll be hard to find another job,\u201d my then-colleagues said.<\/p>\n While I understood what they were saying, what I was doing (selling skincare and consumer goods) wasn\u2019t my passion \u2014 helping others to grow is. Even though my job paid very well, it wasn\u2019t what I wanted to do. So I quit my job<\/a> and started Personal Excellence. With no help or support network, I built my blog from zero to over a million pageviews a month, worked with thousands of clients to achieve their goals, and was interviewed regularly on TV, print, and radio for my work. (I detail my journey in my passion series<\/a>.)<\/p>\n While others\u2019 expectations often come from a good place, ultimately your life is yours to live. Don\u2019t pick a certain career because others tell you to do so. Don\u2019t rush into marriage because your friends are getting married. And definitely don\u2019t have kids simply because your parents and in-laws keep asking you to do so<\/a>.<\/p>\n You may be on a different path, and that\u2019s okay. All of us have our unique paths in life<\/a>. Don\u2019t worry about what others are doing, but work on staying true to yourself. What are your goals? Your dreams? Have you been putting them on hold? How can you start working on your goals and needs now, even if in a small way?<\/p>\n I grew up in Singapore where work is equated with the individual \u2014 there is little to no concept of self. Conversations usually start this way, \u201cWhat do you do? What do you work as?\u201d There is a strong national rhetoric that to live is to work, and one should work until they die. Singapore is the most overworked country in the Asia Pacific[1<\/a>]<\/sup>, and in a research by Sleepseeker, it is also the most tired nation in the world.[2<\/a>]<\/sup><\/p>\n So when I started working in my 20s, work naturally became the core of my being. I would work non-stop from day and night, sleep, and then continue this the next day. Whether it was my corporate job (pre-Personal Excellence) or my business, I would do well and excel in it.<\/p>\n While it was fulfilling to see the fruits of my labor, it became clear that some parts of my life don\u2019t improve by simply working hard in my job. For example, Family. Romance. Health. Ignoring them for a long time causes them to decline. Sometimes, there are things that can\u2019t be recovered when gone, for example when you miss your child\u2019s growing up years, or when your loved ones pass away<\/a>.<\/p>\n When you thrive at work, it gives you a sense of accomplishment and even helps you in your financial goals. But as you put more and more time into work, to the point of extremity, there is a point of diminishing returns<\/a> where the work gains don\u2019t fulfill you as much.<\/p>\n Elon Musk is the perfect example of modern-day workaholism. He works 120-hour weeks and is frequently seen as the emblem of American success.[3<\/a>][4<\/a>]<\/sup> But he admits to needing a sleep drug to sleep, suffers from stress-related vomitting and insomnia, and has a turbulent personal life (he is divorced three times; he never talked to his first wife about the death of their first child; his eldest daughter recently disowned him; and he is currently in a custody battle with an ex-partner over the parental rights of their three children).[5<\/a>][6<\/a>][7<\/a>][8<\/a>][9<\/a>]<\/sup><\/p>\n Are these purely the result of overworking? Some clearly are. Would these issues be there if he had spent some time on these life areas outside of work? Chances are they would be at a lesser intensity. Some issues may not even exist.<\/p>\n There are areas of our lives that cannot be fulfilled by simply working<\/strong>. I have created a life wheel tool (below) that lets you assess how you\u2019re currently doing in your life, beyond just work. It reflects the 10 key areas of your life, such as Career, Finance, Family, Health, Contribution, and Self. I use this with my 1-1 coaching clients and it\u2019s extremely helpful to see if their life is off balance.<\/p>\n (Image: Personal Excellence<\/a>)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Here\u2019s a quick exercise for you:<\/p>\n Read: How Are You Faring In Your Life Now? The Life Wheel<\/a><\/p>\n Bronnie says, \u201cMany people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.\u201d<\/p>\n The fear of expressing ourselves often comes from a fear of others\u2019 reactions. Such as the fear of being judged. Fear of being rejected. Fear of being criticized. I understand that because in my culture (I\u2019m Chinese), conformance is quintessential. You\u2019re expected to keep quiet to be accepted, otherwise you\u2019ll be frowned upon, criticized, or an outcast. Yet in doing so, you become a yes-person, you suppress your true self, and you never get heard.<\/p>\n Ultimately ask yourself \u2014 does it matter what others think of you? Because at the end of the day, you can\u2019t please everyone.<\/strong> When you stay silent out of fear of how others would react, you are just suppressing your real self and your wants and needs, out of fear of offending others. But if someone is so easily offended by you, and the relationship is contingent upon you hiding your views, then is this really a relationship you want to have?<\/p>\n Some people may be unhappy or dislike you when you speak your mind. That\u2019s fine. Don\u2019t aim to please everyone \u2014 it\u2019s a terrible goal.<\/strong> Sometimes people\u2019s unhappiness has nothing to do with you \u2014 it\u2019s to do with their own pain in their lives<\/a>.<\/p>\n Choose your battles.<\/a> Speak up on the things that matter to you. For the other things, if they\u2019re not that important, let them go. Start doing that with your friends, family, and colleagues. If there\u2019s something important to you, speak up. If the person cares about you, they will want to hear what you have to say. If they are not receptive, then perhaps it\u2019s a sign that this relationship is not compatible and it\u2019s time to let it go<\/a>.<\/p>\n Similarly, saying no is an important skill as you help others understand your boundaries. While we may want to say yes all the time to make others happy, remember that saying no lets others know your limits. Read: How To Say No To Others<\/a><\/p>\n This regret is interesting because with the patients Bronnie cared for, they grew up in an era when there were no mobile phones or social media, and it was difficult to stay in touch. These days, we have Facebook, Instagram, and Whatsapp, and it\u2019s so easy to keep in touch. You can simply add someone as a friend on Facebook and see their profile updates, or send a SMS or Whatsapp message and start a conversation that way.<\/p>\n Yet staying in touch remains a challenge as we are now overwhelmed as a society. We are overwhelmed by life\u2019s continuous challenges, be it Covid, work pressures, raising young children, caring for older parents, or pressures in the family. And this leaves us with little to no time for our friendships.<\/p>\n Can you identify the friends who are important to you? Friends who have been there for you in life. Friends you have a genuine connection with. Friends you care about. Friends who have been with you through ups and downs.<\/p>\n When you get a moment and a breather, take some time to keep in touch. Maybe send them a message right now. Send a text message to them to check how they are doing or send some good wishes. For example, \u201cHi X, I was just thinking about you. How are you doing?\u201d Just send a message and see what comes out of it. Who knows, maybe he\/she is thinking about you too. \u2665<\/p>\n Bronnie shared this story in her book<\/a> (Top Five Regrets of the Dying<\/em>):<\/p>\n Rosemary was raised in a small town with a family name that meant something. As a young woman, she played her part and married young to a man everyone respected. For the next couple years, she endured physical and mental abuse, and eventually found the strength to escape once and for all. After her divorce, in a desperate hope to protect her family name, she left her hometown and moved to the city.<\/p>\n Rosemary\u2019s need for approval and self-validation drove her success in a male-dominated corporate world. She became an executive in a global corporation, and the first woman to hold such a role in her city. She was a product of her environment \u2014 demanding, controlling, and intimidating. While she loved the power and respect, it didn\u2019t help her when she became ill. She was scared, lonely, and unhappy. After her failed marriage, she never let anyone get too close and never felt she deserved to be happy.<\/p>\n Facing death provided clarity. She regretted being mean to everyone and admitted she didn\u2019t know how to be happy. Slowly, and with Bronnie\u2019s encouragement, she began giving herself permission. Sneaking smiles and quiet laughter, as if they were bad words. She became kinder. She began to like herself more. She even joked about how much of a tyrant she was in the past. She realized that we all deserve to be happy and must choose to be. She forgave herself, finally allowed herself to be happy, and passed on.<\/p>\n \u201cI wish I\u2019d let myself be happier. What a miserable person I have been. I just didn\u2019t think I deserved to be. But I do. I know that now.\u201d \u2014 Rosemary<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n For many of us, happiness may be an elusive pursuit. \u201cI can only be happy if I do X and Y,\u201d we tell ourselves.<\/p>\n It\u2019s not our fault really \u2014 many times these are stories that society tells us, and we are just doing what we are told. In Rosemary\u2019s case, she initially thought that happiness came from being married to a man that everyone respected. When it didn\u2019t happen, she then worked on her career, which resulted in power and respect, but it still didn\u2019t bring her happiness. It was only when she gave herself permission to be happy that she finally became happy and passed on.<\/p>\n What does it mean to be happy? Looking up the Cambridge dictionary[10<\/a>][11<\/a>]<\/sup>, it means feeling pleased or satisfied. Being cheerful. Glad. Delighted. Contented. In many cultures, we\u2019re told that we can only be happy when we do as we\u2019re told. For example, achieving academic success. Getting a well-paying job. Achieving career success. Being materially wealthy. Marrying a respectable person. Marrying someone of the same race (or religion or culture or background). Having kids.<\/a> Having more kids. Having a healthy child. Raising a successful child.<\/p>\n Many of these are tied with the first regret, which are to live up to expectations that others have of us, and the implicit message being we\u2019re not worthy if we don\u2019t achieve them.<\/p>\n Maybe it\u2019s time to release ourselves from these expectations.<\/strong> Achieving academic success, career success, or material wealth doesn\u2019t guarantee happiness. Marrying someone who is wealthy or of a certain status doesn\u2019t guarantee happiness. Having one, two, or many kids, and raising kids dogmaticly in a certain way doesn\u2019t guarantee happiness. Some people slough away to achieve these all through their lives and they\u2019re still unhappy.<\/p>\n Happiness can start now \u2014 if you give yourself the permission to be happy.<\/strong> Release yourself of others\u2019 expectations. Release yourself of your expectations. Find happiness in the little things. Whatever difficulty you may be facing now, there is a way out. Don\u2019t give up. I hope you\u2019ll be able to find a solution soon, and work through whatever you\u2019re facing. And I\u2019ll do my best to support you through my work at PE.<\/p>\n Related posts:<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" (Image) A nurse who cared for dying patients in the last weeks of their lives recorded the most common regrets among them. The top ones were wishing they didn\u2019t work so hard, wishing they had the courage to express themselves, and wishing they had let themselves be happier. When death becomes imminent, we often get […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7064582,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[97561],"tags":[6519,41546,213],"dealstore":[],"offerexpiration":[],"class_list":["post-7064581","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-self-improvement","tag-dying","tag-regrets","tag-top"],"yoast_head":"\nRegret #1: I wish I\u2019d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me<\/h2>\n
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Regret #2: I wish I didn\u2019t work so hard<\/h2>\n
![\"Life](\"https:\/\/personalexcellence.co\/files\/life-wheel.png\")
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Regret #3: I wish I\u2019d had the courage to express my feelings<\/h2>\n
Regret #4: I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends<\/h2>\n
Regret #5: I wish that I had let myself be happier<\/h2>\n
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