On the guilt of being the parent to a child with explosive behaviour<\/p>\n
The following is an extract from my new book:\u00a0RAISING ATTENTION<\/a><\/strong>\u00a0all about the guilt, shame, embarrassment, self-doubt, anxiety and regret that all parents face in their darkest and most exhausting moments. For those raising children with explosive behaviour however this self-blame, questioning and guilt takes on a whole other level. In the book I share several stories of my worst moments (and how I dug myself out of them), but I thought you would maybe appreciate reading a little snippet now.<\/p>\n If this extract speaks to you (whether your child has ADHD, they are not neurodivergent but you struggle with some of their big behaviours, or you work with children) you can get a copy in the UK\u00a0HERE<\/a><\/strong>\u00a0and elsewhere in the world (with free shipping)\u00a0HERE<\/a><\/strong>.<\/p>\n It was all my fault. I was a terrible mother.<\/strong><\/p>\n Perhaps it was the time I left him to cry because I was too exhausted to pick him up again. Or perhaps it was the time I shouted at him as a toddler when he went to pull the cat\u2019s tail. Maybe it was because I gave him formula milk or jarred baby food and didn\u2019t feed him 100 per cent home-prepared, completely organic food, like I did his brother. Maybe it was because I had had an epidural during labour. Maybe it was because my labour was induced. Maybe I didn\u2019t read to him enough or play with him enough. Maybe I didn\u2019t cuddle him enough because I was busy running around after his toddler brother. Maybe I wasn\u2019t strict enough. Maybe I was too strict.<\/p>\n It was my fault. It had to be.<\/p>\n Everybody says that children are poorly behaved because of lax parenting and here was the result of mine . . .<\/p>\n Maybe you identify with some of these thoughts? I\u2019m pretty certain you\u2019ve had similar.<\/p>\n When you\u2019re the parent of a child with ADHD or undiagnosed explosive behaviour, you spend a lot of time searching for answers, reasons, causes and failures. You\u2019re constantly looking for things you did wrong, or things that you didn\u2019t do that you should have done. Once you accept that it\u2019s not your child\u2019s fault, it\u2019s natural that your thoughts turn to yourself as the next suspect.<\/p>\n The irony is that you\u2019re reading this now. If you were really a bad parent, you wouldn\u2019t be doing that, would you?<\/p>\n But it probably doesn\u2019t matter what I say, because you\u2019ve likely been so tough on yourself that you\u2019ve started to believe your own self-doubts and attacks. The entirety of this chapter is in this book for one reason: to help you realise that it\u2019s not your fault. It never was. And now, it\u2019s time finally to stop blaming yourself.<\/p>\n Why do we apportion blame to ourselves so much as parents? I think, in part, it\u2019s a sign of good parenting \u2013 the fact that you want to learn and improve and think critically about your actions. The intense blame, however, takes this introspection a step too far. I also think it stems from society and the way that parents of children with explosive behaviour are treated.<\/p>\n There is so much stigma in our society around children with explosive behaviour. Far too many people think that ADHD doesn\u2019t really exist and is just an excuse for \u2018bad behaviour\u2019 and many, particularly those from older generations, believe that dysregulated behaviour in children is a direct reflection of parenting ability.<\/p>\n One research study looking at mothers of four to ten-year-olds with disruptive behaviour found that almost 40 per cent of them felt stigmatised by others, mostly family members, schools and their social network. To be honest, I\u2019m surprised this number is so low, I would have placed it far nearer to 100 per cent.<\/p>\n When we feel that others are judging us and our parenting abilities, we tend to internalise these beliefs and start to believe their words. This stigmatisation is commonly linked to mothers isolating themselves from other adults, which only compounds their fears and worries, as they are left to ruminate on them alone.<\/p>\n For me, one of the hardest parts of being a mother to \u2018that child\u2019 was the whispers and sideways glances at the school gate. It would be nice to think I was being paranoid, but some of the other parents chose to speak at full volume, with no attempt to disguise their views. I\u2019m sure you know the sorts of passive-aggressive parents I mean \u2013 those who would be sickly sweet to your face, but if there were any remaining doubt about their feelings towards your family, the lack of party invitations for your child cemented their view. They do not want their child anywhere near yours.<\/p>\n In these painful and lonely moments, I defy any parent to not blame themselves and consider that everything is their fault. Now and again, I see the mothers who whispered about my child and me in the school playground and I have to fight an urge to go up to them and tell them that my child finally received a diagnosis and that their words hurt us both unimaginably. I also take a sort of twisted pleasure in learning that my child is in a much better place now, career- and life- wise, than theirs. But in my more rational moments, I con sole myself with the knowledge that they were speaking from a place of ignorance and privilege, and it was never really about us<\/p>\n What if you have done things wrong though?<\/strong><\/p>\n We all have. I haven\u2019t written this book to make you feel bad or judge you. I\u2019ve written it to support you and let you know that you\u2019re not the only one feeling like you do. While I\u2019ve no doubt that you are a good parent, I also suspect you have done many things that could be construed as \u2018wrong\u2019 from a parenting perspective. I also suspect you\u2019ve done things that wouldn\u2019t be considered \u2018gentle parenting\u2019. All this is OK. You see, I\u2019ve done plenty of things that wouldn\u2019t be considered \u2018good parenting\u2019 or \u2018gentle parenting\u2019, too.<\/p>\n Perhaps you\u2019ve found this book because you want a different way to try with your child. Perhaps you\u2019ve tried all the punish ments and the yelling, the reward charts and the bribery. Or perhaps you\u2019ve tried removing all boundaries and allowing your child to take all the control in your family. Maybe, as happened with me, somebody in a position of authority \u2013 say, a doctor or teacher \u2013 has told you that you are the problem and that you need to change your parenting. Or perhaps you haven\u2019t tried anything at all because everything is so overwhelming you don\u2019t know where to start. Whatever you have or haven\u2019t done before reading this book, you must understand that you could only do your best with the information and support you had at the time.<\/p>\n All that matters is you\u2019re here now and you\u2019re willing and ready to change (or perhaps you just want some reassurance that you are already doing the best thing for your child \u2013 that\u2019s OK, too). Maybe what you did in the past wasn\u2019t great for your child, or for you, but it wasn\u2019t the cause of their behaviour, or ADHD. We\u2019ve all done things we\u2019re not proud of as parents (me included, and I\u2019ll tell you a little about my own shameful experiences in the next chapter), but to move on, we need to drop the self- blame.<\/p>\n What can you do if you struggle to drop it? Especially in those times when you feel hopeless and exhausted? Well, that\u2019s what the next chapter is all about. But before we end this chapter, I just want to reinforce the idea, that it\u2019s not your child\u2019s fault and it\u2019s not your fault. If there is fault anywhere, it belongs to our society and those in control of it, for creating a world for neurotypical children and then blaming parents of neurodivergent children when they don\u2019t fit in.<\/p>\n want to read more?<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0RAISING ATTENTION\u00a0<\/a><\/strong>is out now!<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n
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