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In July 2011 I wrote a post entitled, \u201cTen things not to say to a depressed person.\u201d<\/a> It was the first piece on this blog to attract a large audience and I own much of my blogging success to that post and its companion piece, \u201cTen supportive things I\u2019m glad somebody said to me.\u201d<\/a><\/p>\n I\u2019ve decided the time is right for a similar piece on dealing with suicidal people (although I\u2019m definitely not expecting the same number of readers for this post!). Suicidal thoughts have been a problem for me since around Christmas and the wide variety of responses I\u2019ve received to my blogs and tweets, along with training to be a Mental Health Instructor<\/a>, have given me cause to think about how people respond to individuals they know to be suicidal. A common response is feeling that they must throw some logic at the problem. What people don\u2019t realise is that not only does suicidality work to a logic of its own, many attempts to reason the person out of their thoughts aren\u2019t actually as logical as the would-be helper thinks. Another view is that the suicidal person needs a jolt, a shock to the system. Still others offer platitudes and \u201cpositive thinking\u201d. All of these approaches have flaws, and here\u2019s my guide to why.<\/p>\n 1)\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>But you have so much to live for!<\/strong> Well, but you see that\u2019s your judgment, not mine. Each of us gets to decide whether we have quality of life, because no one can ever really walk in our shoes and experience our unique suffering. History is littered with amazingly talented but mentally unwell people, from Virginia Woolf to Vincent van Gogh, who took their own lives despite phenomenal achievements. Think that\u2019s because they lived in the days before psychiatry and medication? Think again. Only last year official National Treasure and President of Mind Stephen Fry disclosed that despite being an incredibly successful writer and broadcaster, he had recently attempted to take his own life. Where you see success, I may see an unending bleakness. Where you see reason, I see a person who won\u2019t acknowledge my pain. And if you won\u2019t acknowledge my pain, how can you be on my side?<\/p>\n 2)\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>You are so young, you have your whole life ahead of you. <\/strong>Let\u2019s unpick the logic of this one. Suppose you were in acute physical pain. Suppose you\u2019d been in this pain since adolescence, maybe even childhood. Suppose you\u2019d been told there was no cure for your pain, that medicines provided respite for some but might or might not work for you \u2013 there was no way of telling. If someone pointed out that you were only twenty-five, would you think, \u201cGoody! I might have another sixty years of this!\u201d? Of course not. You\u2019d most likely be scared by the prospect of living on in pain, a pain you were already struggling to cope with. Pointing out how many decades of suffering could expect would hardly improve your attitude to your situation.<\/p>\n 3)\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>I hope you\u2019re not planning on doing anything stupid. <\/strong>I unfollowed someone on Twitter just recently for saying this to me. If you feel trapped and desperate and believe nobody can offer you a solution, wanting to remove yourself from the equation actually feels fairly sensible. Sure, some suicides are impulsive (especially if alcohol is involved) but actually it\u2019s often something people have often thought long and hard about. Many take all the steps they can to minimise the impact on their loved ones, putting financial and practical affairs in order before they do the deed. When you tell me my careful plan is \u201csomething stupid\u201d, you\u2019re dismissing its importance \u2013 a fast track to alienating me. In fact, it makes me feel like you think I <\/em>must be stupid. If you\u2019re worried, say so, but don\u2019t dismiss it as stupidity. What\u2019s wrong with saying, \u201cI\u2019ve seen\/heard you mention suicide, and I\u2019m concerned about you. Are you safe? Is there anything I can do to help?\u201d<\/p>\n 4)\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. <\/strong>This perennial internet favourite is, like many positive thinking soundbites, both trite and inaccurate. Yes, some people have single episodes of mental illnesses and go on make a full recovery. And yes, for those with more severe and enduring illnesses there will probably be periods when we are relatively well and we do want to live. But bipolar disorder is not a temporary problem. Schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder are not temporary problems. Borderline personality is not a temporary problem. There are, as yet, no cures and for many of us, the fluctuation is part of the problem. It\u2019s hard to stay motivated, to stick with medication regimens and self-management plans, to work on applying our learning from therapy (should we be lucky enough to be offered it) knowing that on one unidentified day in the future, we are going to relapse. Maybe it won\u2019t be such a bad episode; maybe it will be horrendous and we\u2019ll end up in hospital. We have no way of knowing, and little control over our situations. So excuse me if, 29 years into my condition, my problems don\u2019t seem that temporary.<\/p>\n 5)\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>Think of the damage you would do to your nearest and dearest. <\/strong>You know what? I do very little but.<\/em> Suicidal people are well aware that if they carry out their plans, somebody\u2019s going to get hurt. For many that could be a spouse, parents or children. It might be friends who would miss them terribly. Professionals can be devastated to lose a client to suicide. There is no way to make a clean, painless break. Knowing this makes us feel awful, selfish, a terrible, terrible person. And what does feeling like a terrible, terrible person do to someone who already acutely depressed? It makes them feel still worse. Getting them to dwell on the harm they might cause is counterproductive. You think you\u2019re giving them a wake up call? You might actually be increasing<\/em> the risk they carry out their plan.<\/p>\n 6)\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>You need to stop dwelling on your problems.<\/strong> Leaving aside how all consuming it feels to be suicidal, severe and enduring illnesses are genuinely life-threatening. Each year about 5550 people in the UK die by suicide and worldwide this figure is around one million (World Health Organisation). A 2013 study<\/a> found that people with my condition, bipolar disorder, were 20-30 times more likely to die by suicide than the general population. This is massive and ignoring it isn\u2019t going to go away. I\u2019m sorry if it makes you uncomfortable but the severity of my condition is a fact. Suppose I had cancer? Suppose I had a heart condition? Would worrying about that be considered navel-gazing? Would a friend find a preoccupation with a physical illness morbid or boring? If you\u2019re worried I have too narrow focus help me find other things to think about, but be constructive, not critical. Take me out, Write me an email. Send me a card. Lend me a book. Give me a gym pass.<\/p>\n 7)\u00a0\u00a0 <\/strong>You\u2019re just looking for attention.<\/strong> Yes. Yes, I am. And my question to you is: since when has it inappropriate or unacceptable for someone in acute pain to want\/need attention? If I were in physical pain you\u2019d urge me to pay attention to the signals I was receiving; why should emotional pain be different? Sometimes I want attention because I\u2019m scared. I\u2019m scared that I might carry out my plans, I\u2019m scared of the intensity of the pain, and I\u2019m scared that nobody will understand me. I crave reassurance and the kind of attention that might help me stop feeling so awful. Often that\u2019s going to look like NHS intervention but when professionals ask me, \u201cWhat would be helpful here, Charlotte?\u201d I often have no idea, then I get scared they\u2019ll withdraw their help. So yes, I want supportive attention that says, I am here. I am here for you and I\u2019m not going away. But not\u2026.<\/strong><\/p>\n