Man, it\u2019s tough to keep those connections intact once they\u2019re out of the house. It seems to get harder the older and more independent they become, especially if they live far away. Is it just the phase we\u2019re in, maybe? <\/p>\n
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After we become grandparents, will they reach out so often we start screening their calls?<\/a> I sure hope we have that problem someday. Because right now, I miss my grown kids. I\u2019m always on the lookout for excuses to contact them.<\/p>\n About eight months ago, I decided to try something new with my grown sons, 26 and 21. Without any preface or explanation, I started posing philosophical(ish) questions in a group text.<\/p>\n It was an experiment at first, to see if and how they\u2019d respond. My ulterior motive was just to hear from them more frequently, but the result was so much more than that. Their responses have given me a peek into how they reason, how their worldviews are evolving, and how their thinking overlaps and differs from each other. <\/p>\n Turns out, both my kids are \u201clow-key terrified of AI\u201d and both are really into Stoicism. They have substantially different spiritual perspectives and their politics are starting to shift in different directions, yet they have similar principles about dating and marriage.<\/p>\n While our group texts went pretty deep at times, some weeks the chat was so funny I had mascara running down my cheeks at work. The conversations took a dark turn here and there, too, which is to be expected from two young men with a cynical sense of humor and an irreverent streak they inherited from their Gen X parents. But more often than I expected, my kids\u2019 responses were genuinely thoughtful. At times, they were so heartwarming they made all those old parenthood worries about screwing them up seem like such a foolish waste of energy.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s a list of 27 actual questions from our weekly group text. Some were more provocative than others, but many of the seemingly banal questions sparked interesting discussions.<\/p>\n Admittedly, a few questions were based on my efforts to guide them toward a certain conclusion, while some I simply asked for shock value. Gotta keep \u2018em on their toes. One or two are questions the boys threw out for debate.<\/p>\n The starred ones are those that elicited the most vibrant responses, in case you want to borrow from this list. Before you dive in with your own philosophical group chat, here are a few recommendations.<\/em><\/p>\n Before sending the first question, I set myself some ground rules. Here are the ones that have worked well, along with a few I\u2019ve learned along the way.<\/p>\n It\u2019s not about excluding anyone, but creating a safe zone for my kids to freely wrestle with ideas in the gray area. I want them to feel like they can express whatever opinions they want, even ones that are controversial or that aren\u2019t fully fleshed out. It\u2019s easier to do this when the only audience member is wearing mom goggles.\u00a0<\/p>\n Before I send the weekly question, I sometimes have to steel myself for the possible responses, knowing they might shock or even dishearten me. And I have to remind myself that it\u2019s okay. Nothing is set in stone. I thought about the world much differently in my 20s than I do now.\u00a0<\/p>\n If it\u2019s a fun, heated debate, then I\u2019ll get on my soapbox and defend my position. But if someone expresses an opinion that I fundamentally disagree with and the tone is not playful, then keeping my mouth shut (thumbs still) is often best. Also\u2026<\/p>\n \u201cHmmm,\u201d and \u201cInteresting,\u201d and \u201cAh, I think I see what you mean,\u201d are some of my faves. They don\u2019t shut down the discussion or stifle input. But they also don\u2019t convey that I agree with something I think is totally misguided. I also like, \u201cI can tell you\u2019ve thought about this a lot,\u201d or \u201cSeems you feel strongly about this one.\u201d<\/p>\n My children are adults now. They have life experiences different from mine and, contrary to stereotype, haven\u2019t arrived at all of their positions through TikTok. They often have very valid, well-researched viewpoints. <\/p>\n When I\u2019m able to replace a rebuttal with genuine curiosity, asking open-ended follow-up questions, it bridges the philosophical gap between us. When I\u2019m able to pull it off, staying curious usually eases my concerns too. It\u2019s nice to see the wheels turning as they think it through a little further or when they make a compelling point that opens my eyes.<\/p>\n This is not the time, even when I know I\u2019m being baited. Example: My sons insist on putting the dollar sign after the number (100$) just to irk me. They know better\u2014one was a finance major for goodness\u2019 sake. If I start correcting this or the occasional misuse of a word, however, it\u2019ll change the tone and derail the chat. So I remind myself: no proofreading notes allowed.\u00a0<\/p>\n They don\u2019t always respond immediately. That doesn\u2019t mean they\u2019re not interested. When we were all on vacation together a few months ago, both sons told me they really enjoy the weekly questions but sometimes it takes a while to respond. They\u2019re either busy or genuinely mulling over their responses. One of my sons even said the questions have been a hit in the lunchroom at work. Sometimes he delays his response until after he\u2019s debated the topic with his coworkers.<\/p>\n Eight months in, I can\u2019t say whether this qualifies as meaningful philosophical debate or just an elaborate scheme to get my sons to text me more often. Either way, it\u2019s working. Give it a try with your grown kids. If nothing else, it\u2019ll show them you\u2019re ready and willing to connect whenever they are.<\/p>\n More Great Reading:<\/strong><\/p>\n We Spoke to Our College Son Once a Week and This Happened<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\nThe philosophical group chat<\/h2>\n
Actual questions posed, so far<\/h2>\n
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A few tips for keeping ideas flowing<\/h2>\n
Start just between us\u2014me and the kids<\/h3>\n
Be ready for anything<\/h3>\n
It\u2019s not a lecture, but an exchange<\/h3>\n
Vague reactions are okay<\/h3>\n
Stay curious with follow-up questions.<\/h3>\n
Don\u2019t correct their mistakes<\/h3>\n
Wait<\/h3>\n
Give it a try<\/h2>\n