\u201cIs this it?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Not that your life is bad. You got some of the good stuff. Not all of it, but a decent amount. Job. Relationships. But why the heck does everything still feel a little bit\u2026 empty<\/em>?<\/p>\n For something resembling an answer, we need to back up a bit\u2026<\/p>\n In 1979, a cranky academic named Christopher Lasch wrote a book titled \u201cThe Culture of Narcissism<\/a>.\u201d This incisive jeremiad of cultural criticism not only won a National Book Award but also became such a bestseller that Lasch ended up in People<\/em> magazine next to Olivia Newton-John. Jimmy Carter even invited Lasch to the White House to discuss the book. Their conversation helped inform the famous \u201cmalaise\u201d speech\u2026<\/p>\n And then everybody immediately forgot everything Lasch had to say and went full throttle toward exactly what he was warning us about.<\/p>\n Yeah, the title was \u201cThe Culture of Narcissism<\/a>\u201d and you think you know what the book is about. You\u2019re wrong.<\/p>\n Lasch\u2019s narcissism isn\u2019t the kind where somebody is totally in love with themselves. Lasch meant the old-school Kernberg and Kohut definition, where the person isn\u2019t so much arrogant as empty. An ego that might appear grandiose but is actually fragile. Feeling no connection to the past or the future, it lacks meaning and constantly seeks affirmation in status and image.<\/p>\n Lasch saw that in the second half of the twentieth century The Self was finally free from all the old scripts and obligations of the past. And a lot of that freedom was good. But some of it wasn\u2019t.<\/p>\n Disconnected from community and institutions and without stable meaning to bolster who they were, the individual started to see themselves as the protagonist in a film. Identity became an image you have to exhaustively manage for an imagined audience.<\/p>\n Yes, back in 1979, when going viral was something you caught off a toilet seat, Christopher Lasch saw our current situation. Not just you. Everybody. It isn\u2019t just \u201ckids these days.\u201d Every generation thinks the next generation invented stupidity, because memory is merciful and old people lie.<\/p>\n Lasch admitted he didn\u2019t have easy answers for how to find meaning in this new world. But extrapolating from his book, we can glean a few ideas on what\u2019s missing and what we need to do.<\/p>\n This time we\u2019ll be drawing on Christopher Lasch\u2019s \u201cThe Culture of Narcissism: American Life in an Age of Diminishing Expectations<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n Let\u2019s get to it\u2026<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n You no longer need to live your whole life in the town where you were born, marry your high school sweetheart, or spend thirty years making gaskets because Aunt Marge knew a guy at the gasket factory. We have nearly limitless options today.<\/p>\n But our reflex has become to leave every option open. Why settle? There\u2019s always something better around the corner\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n This is a dangerous attitude because to avoid making a bad choice, we often never make one at all. And then we wonder why we\u2019re always waiting for our lives to really begin.<\/p>\n Life doesn\u2019t become meaningful by avoiding definition and structure. We fear if we make a choice, we\u2019ll be disappointed. But we cannot live every possible life. This isn\u2019t the MCU Multiverse, bubba.<\/p>\n Endless options sound great, but the research<\/a> shows we\u2019re happier when we choose and commit. Finding some things that matter and letting them define us.<\/p>\n So pick a thing. It can be a person, a role, a hobby, even a location. It doesn\u2019t need to be the best one, in fact, that line of thinking is the whole problem here. Pick a thing and commit to it in a way you cannot easily reverse.<\/p>\n Yes, it might disappoint you. It might define you. Sound scary? Here\u2019s something scarier: the opposite of being defined is being undefined. That\u2019s the difference between something and nothing. And being connected to nothing is why so much of life doesn\u2019t feel real anymore.<\/p>\n (To learn how accepting constraints can make your life so much better, click here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n Now some people are going to say they don\u2019t feel totally<\/em> empty. They have a job. A partner.<\/p>\n But Lasch says that\u2019s not enough\u2026<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n The old world could definitely be oppressive. But in the process of freeing ourselves, a lot of the things that supported meaning got bulldozed. So for many of us, the entire weight of life got dumped into two buckets: Job and Relationships. And now we\u2019re scratching our heads wondering why the floor is buckling.<\/p>\n You can\u2019t just have \u201ca job\u201d these days. It\u2019s not acceptable to do some work and go home clutching money. Don\u2019t be disgusting. You must have A Calling<\/em>.<\/p>\n And your romantic partner? It\u2019s not enough for them to be supportive and willing to endure your noises. Are you insane? They need to be a lover, best friend, in-house therapist, co-parent, soulmate, and nine other things. (If this were a job description, there\u2019d immediately be an investigation by the Department of Labor.)<\/p>\n Lasch writes that \u201cwe demand too much of life, too little of ourselves.\u201d We have outsized expectations and these two areas of life can\u2019t handle that much stress. We need a more diversified portfolio. More areas to bear the weight, more connections to draw meaning from.<\/p>\n You know what happens when you stop expecting your spouse to be everything and you get more of your emotional needs met by friends? No, not divorce. Far from it.<\/p>\n Marriage researcher Eli Finkel<\/a> reports that, over time, relationship satisfaction declines for most couples. But not for those who spread their social needs around. They don\u2019t experience the dip. And they\u2019re less likely to break up.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t expect your job to be everything. And definitely don\u2019t expect your partner to be everything. Let them be wonderful and imperfect.<\/p>\n (To learn how to have a happy marriage, click here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n But where do so many of your real problems come from? It\u2019s that voice in your head. (No, not my voice. I\u2019m just in your head for the duration of this post.) I\u2019m talking about that other<\/em> voice\u2026<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Lasch argued that as society became more individualistic, we dismantled a lot of the external structures that pushed us around. Yay! Freedom!<\/em><\/p>\n Eh, not so fast\u2026<\/p>\n The external judges were nasty but at least they were out there<\/em>. Getting rid of them didn\u2019t silence the voice in our own heads. It made it louder. And that little jerk knows all your sensitive spots and works nights. And since it isn\u2019t connected to any outside standard it generates new rules faster than you can violate them. It\u2019s mental Calvinball.<\/p>\n But what should we replace it with? Gratitude and self-compassion.<\/p>\n Gratitude focuses attention outward<\/em>. And it\u2019s a natural remedy for Lasch\u2019s narcissism because it admits that not everything good came from you and not all of it was earned. Studies<\/a> show people who count their blessings are happier and more optimistic.<\/p>\n And then there\u2019s self-compassion<\/a>. Basically, it provides the benefits of self-esteem without the pressure to be better than others. Self-esteem says, \u201cI\u2019m awesome!\u201d And then you\u2019re stuck on an endless treadmill of proving that true until you collapse. By contrast, self-compassion says, \u201cI\u2019m still worth treating decently even when I\u2019m not awesome.\u201d This is important because you are frequently not awesome.<\/p>\n So, a few times a week, write down three things you\u2019re grateful for. Just writing \u201cFriends\u201d won\u2019t cut it. Be specific: \u201cNick called when I was spiraling.\u201d<\/p>\n And next time you screw up, talk to yourself the way you\u2019d talk to a friend who was down. Yeah, on the surface this sounds a little silly and embarrassing, like admitting you still own a fax machine, but it\u2019s the better path. If beating yourself up actually helped, you\u2019d be perfect by now.<\/p>\n (To learn how to be happier without really trying, click here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n Lasch said we\u2019re focused on image and status. How do we get out of the loop of comparing ourselves to others?<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Open your phone and boom, there they are: the better people<\/em>. Somebody you remember as a semi-sentient bong from college just started their second hedge fund. Right on cue, the Life Scoreboard appears. And you, my friend, are not topping the charts.<\/p>\n Yeah, yeah, social media is the devil, but Lasch was clocking this phenomenon before Mark Zuckerberg was born. So what\u2019s the underlying issue?<\/p>\n When we don\u2019t have an internal compass for what \u201ca good life\u201d means, we default to \u201cbetter than them.\u201d Better than somebody. Anybody. Please, just let there be one obvious loser doing worse than me so I can feel better about myself.<\/em> Back in 1979 Lasch said people increasingly \u201cwish to be not so much esteemed as admired\u2026 envied rather than respected.\u201d<\/p>\n Because actually achieving success? It\u2019s really<\/em> inconvenient. Takes a lot of work. But the appearance<\/em> of success? Ah, there you go. So much easier.<\/p>\n But that\u2019s why it feels empty. You\u2019re not invested in the work or really proud of the achievement. It\u2019s all image and scoreboard.<\/p>\n Pick standards you respect even when nobody applauds. Then let those commitments hold you accountable.<\/p>\n Next? Lose yourself in the pursuit of that standard. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a guy who has stymied more spell-checkers than any other person in human history, developed the concept of \u201cflow.\u201d It\u2019s when you\u2019re so absorbed in something you stop thinking about yourself and just mind-meld with the activity. It\u2019s one of the things that make us happiest.<\/p>\n Instead of making you feel good because you\u2019re impressive, it makes you feel good because you stop asking yourself, \u201cAm I impressive right now?\u201d In fact, your self-consciousness just shuts up. Which is wonderful because you\u2019ve needed a break from yourself for a while.<\/p>\n (To learn more about flow and how it can make you happy, click here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n And the final thing you need to do?<\/p>\n You need to not make it all about you<\/span> anymore\u2026<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n If your life is only about you, right now, then aging is just a long downward slide.<\/p>\n Where do all the attention and accolades go? To those young\u2019uns. They inherit this world and they\u2019ll take over while listening to music you hate. And some of them will actually improve the world, which is the truly unforgivable part.<\/p>\n When the younger people around you are thriving, you can see that as someone stealing your spot\u2026 or you can see it as something you helped make possible. Up to you.<\/p>\n You don\u2019t get to be the protagonist in the movie forever. You become the mentor or you become the villain. I think you can guess which one is better.<\/p>\n In the social science literature, being a mentor has the fancy name of \u201cgenerativity.\u201d You don\u2019t have to be a parent to do it. Children are certainly one method, and they are a very loud method that\u2019s frequently sticky. But you can also be the Obi-Wan or the Morpheus to any younger person trying to find their way.<\/p>\n![\"how-to-be-strategic\"](\"https:\/\/bakadesuyo.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/09\/lasch-3.jpg\" "\\"how-to-be-strategic\\"")
Now and then, we all have those nights. It\u2019s a little too late and your brain starts asking way too many questions, auditing your life at the time when it\u2019s least generous. Until finally it lands on The Question:<\/p>\nDon\u2019t Keep All Your Options Open. Commit.<\/h2>\n
Your Job And Partner Cannot Be Everything<\/h2>\n
Ditch Your Inner Critic<\/h2>\n
Anchor Your Worth In The Work<\/h2>\n
Invest In Somebody Who Comes After You<\/h2>\n