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Jada is struggling. She hasn\u2019t been eating, sleeping, or working like she used to. She wonders if it\u2019s related to her stress as a parent. But, she brushes it off since her kids are 4- and 8-years old.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cSurely, I should be over the postpartum period by now,\u201d she assumes.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n She keeps her mental health struggles to herself, even though she feels anxious and depressed most days. She wants to talk to her partner about this, but she doesn\u2019t know where to start the conversation.<\/em><\/p>\n Talking about mental health can be really, really hard. <\/strong>Even when we want to address it with the people with whom we feel most comfortable and safe.\u00a0<\/p>\n That could be for a lot of reasons:\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n We didn\u2019t have a model of how to talk about it growing up.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n We\u2019re scared they\u2019ll see us differently.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n We don\u2019t like to admit we\u2019re struggling with anything.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n Often we avoid the conversation because we feel ashamed.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Guilt and shame are two different feelings that can exist simultaneously.<\/p>\n Healthy guilt <\/strong>is a feeling of psychological discomfort after we do something objectively wrong, even if we didn\u2019t mean to. It\u2019s a motivator to move closer to our goals by identifying when we need to pivot our actions and go in another direction.<\/p>\n Unhealthy guilt <\/strong>is the feeling we get when we\u2019ve done something that goes against our own subjective\u2013often unrealistically high\u2013standards.\u00a0 This feeling is shame. <\/strong>It implies there\u2019s something wrong with us, like we\u2019re somehow defective and totally disconnected from our ideal selves.\u00a0<\/p>\n And when shame becomes a pervasive part of our self-talk, we start to believe we\u2019re not worthy of love and belonging. We start to feel powerless, hopeless, and helpless.\u00a0<\/p>\n When it comes to our mental health, shame is actually the #1 reason to have a conversation with those closest to us!<\/strong><\/p>\n Social science research<\/strong><\/a> <\/strong>shows that vulnerability\u2013just being open and having these tough conversations\u2013has a positive impact on feelings of shame.\u00a0<\/p>\n Isolation is shame\u2019s best friend. So, when we share our shame with others, we start to feel less alone. And that social connection helps us feel more able to tackle our own struggles. We feel like someone has our back, which makes us more willing to take the plunge and take care of ourselves in meaningful ways.\u00a0<\/p>\n These conversations can also lead to practical support. By telling others what we need, we\u2019re giving them the opportunity to help in whatever way is most impactful for us.\u00a0<\/p>\n For example, your partner may think that distracting the kids with fun activities so you can clean the house is helpful. But what you really need may be the opposite. You may need your partner to clean while you connect with the kids. But without opening the conversation and telling them, they won\u2019t know. So, you don\u2019t get the support you need.<\/p>\n In any tough situation, it\u2019s important to set \u201crules of engagement.\u201d These are the guidelines on which you can lean to support a healthy and effective conversation. Try these rules to get you started. Then, have a conversation with your partner about what else you might add to this list!<\/p>\n When talking about your mental health, you deserve the other person\u2019s full, undivided attention. But nobody wants to have a deep, meaningful conversation when they\u2019re stressed or in the middle of an important activity. Similarly, diving deep into a personal topic in the middle of the grocery store probably isn\u2019t the best idea. So instead, pick a quiet, relaxed space and be sure you both have the time and energy available. And if you\u2019re unsure if the time is right, just ask!<\/p>\n We\u2019re pretty glued to our phones, tablets, TVs, and laptops. But, again, you deserve 100% of your partner\u2019s attention in these conversations.\u00a0<\/p>\n If they\u2019re having a hard time ditching the devices, try starting the conversation with\u2026<\/p>\n Hey, we haven\u2019t caught up in a while. There are some things I want to tell you. And it would feel nice to give each other our full attention. Could we pause the TV for 15 minutes?<\/em><\/p>\n It\u2019s never you and your partner against each other. It should always be you and your partner against the problem. Taking a step back and problem solving together will lead to the best outcomes.\u00a0<\/p>\n Using \u201cI Statements\u201d can really help. Talk about your experience and feelings rather than pointing out any wrongdoing in your partner.<\/strong> This will help to minimize defensiveness and keep everyone in a problem-solving frame of mind.<\/p>\n Are you wanting solutions to the problems you\u2019re presenting? Or do you just need someone to listen? Both are totally acceptable. Sometimes, we just need someone to hear us. And that\u2019s OK!\u00a0<\/p>\n But, often, the other person will jump into problem-solving mode. If you\u2019re not looking for solutions and just need an ear to listen, start the conversation with\u2026<\/p>\n I\u2019m not looking for solutions. I just really need someone to hear me first. Can you listen to me while I talk about what I\u2019m going through? I think that would really help.<\/em><\/p>\n If you have specific requests, make them. Let your partner in on how they can best support you. If you\u2019re not sure where to start, share this post with them: 5 Ways to Support Your Partner with a PMAD<\/strong><\/a>.<\/strong><\/p>\n Inviting your partner into a conversation can start things off on the right foot. It gives them the opportunity to decline the conversation in a moment that\u2019s not a good time for them\u2014which helps you reschedule the talk for a time they can give you their undivided attention.<\/p>\n 1. I need to talk about something that feels hard. Is now an OK time?<\/em><\/p>\n 2. I walk to talk with you about something that feels really vulnerable. Is it OK to talk now?\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n 3. I have a concern about X. It\u2019s been on my mind for a couple days that I should share this with you. Are you game for that?<\/em><\/p>\n By expressing appreciation for your partner\u2019s willingness to take the time to talk with you, you put you and your partner on the same side against the problem. Not against each other.\u00a0<\/p>\n 4. I appreciate your willingness to talk about hard things with me.<\/em><\/p>\n 5. Thanks for doing this. I feel cared for when you make me a priority.<\/em><\/p>\n 6. I know listening instead of problem-solving can be frustrating. Thank you for giving me what I need.<\/em><\/p>\n 7. I know we have a lot going on, so thanks for sitting down with me.<\/em><\/p>\n 8. I\u2019m feeling X. I\u2019m not sure what to ask for, but I don\u2019t want to be alone in this feeling right now.<\/em><\/p>\n 9. I\u2019ve been struggling with my feelings lately.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n 10. I\u2019m not feeling like myself. Can you listen to what I\u2019m going through?<\/em><\/p>\n 11. I\u2019ve been feeling X. Can you remind me what I mean to you? It would really help me right now.<\/em><\/p>\n 12. I\u2019m struggling with my mental health and what I\u2019ve been trying isn\u2019t working. Can we think of a better plan together?<\/em><\/p>\n 13. I\u2019m having a hard time taking care of myself. I need extra support around [task]. Can you help me?<\/em><\/p>\n 14. I\u2019m in a bad place but I\u2019m not ready to talk about it. Can we do something together to distract me for a bit. Then will you ask me about it later so I don\u2019t keep avoiding my feelings?<\/em><\/p>\n When preparing for these conversations, it can be helpful to anticipate how the other person might respond to you. Because sometimes, you might not get the response you need.\u00a0<\/p>\n Remember that their reaction isn\u2019t a reflection of you.<\/p>\n Your partner may just not know (yet) how to respond appropriately! You can point them toward helpful resources, or you may need to take a step back from the conversation and try again later. All of this is totally OK.\u00a0<\/p>\n Take your time and do what\u2019s best for you.<\/p>\n Being vulnerable is hard. But you\u2019re worth it. (Even if your brain says otherwise. Promise.)<\/p>\n \u201cNavigating Touchy Topics\u201d gives you 46 scripts for tough conversations with your partner that prioritize connection over conflict. Download it for free.<\/a><\/p>\n Brown, B. (2013, January 14). shame v. guilt. Bren\u00e9 Brown. https:\/\/brenebrown.com\/blog\/2013\/01\/14\/shame-v-guilt\/<\/a>\u00a0<\/p>\n Miceli, M., & Castelfranchi, C. (2018). Reconsidering the Differences Between Shame and Guilt. Europe’s journal of psychology, 14(3), 710\u2013733. https:\/\/doi.org\/10.5964\/ejop.v14i3.1564<\/a>\u00a0<\/p>\n National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine. (n.d.). Guilt vs. shame [Infographic]. Nicabm.com. https:\/\/www.nicabm.com\/guilt-vs-shame\/<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n
Guilt and Shame 101<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Imagine your house is a total disaster. You think to yourself, \u201cI\u2019m doing something wrong by not keeping my house clean.\u201d Instead of serving as a motivating force, this unhealthy guilt often leads to self-punishment and criticism. Suddenly, \u201cI\u2019m doing something bad,\u201d becomes, \u201cI am bad.\u201d<\/p>\nThe Importance of \u201cThe Conversation\u201d<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Rules of Engagement<\/strong><\/h2>\n
#1 Pay attention to time and place.<\/strong><\/h3>\n
#2 Avoid distractions.<\/strong><\/h3>\n
#3 It\u2019s you and your partner against the problem.<\/strong><\/h3>\n
#4 Be clear in your expectations.<\/strong><\/h3>\n
#5 Ask for help when you\u2019re ready.<\/strong><\/h3>\n
14 Prompts to Talk About Mental Health<\/em><\/strong><\/h2>\n
Invitations<\/strong><\/h3>\n
Starters<\/strong><\/h3>\n
Sharing Your Feelings<\/strong><\/h3>\n
Asking for Help<\/strong><\/h3>\n
Setting Boundaries<\/strong><\/h2>\n
You can do this.<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Want more scripts?<\/strong><\/h3>\n
Sources and Further Reading<\/strong><\/h3>\n