By Warren Wong<\/p>\n
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We don\u2019t get to choose our parents. Out of the millions of possibilities, we\u2019re stuck with the ones we have. And that can be frustrating or a blessing, depending on how you look at it. There was a big part of me that hated the feelings associated with being misunderstood by my parents. It was as if the people that were supposed to know me best weren\u2019t privy to the mix bag of emotions that ravaged my teens and 20s.<\/span><\/p>\n Growing up<\/a> I couldn\u2019t exactly describe my relationship with my parents as carefree. There was an expectation that I fulfilled my role as a child and they did theirs as the parents. However, I couldn\u2019t exactly say I knew what my role was as a child, nor could I, as a young age. So, I looked towards my parents as an example.<\/span><\/p>\n As a child I looked towards my parents for everything. They were my world. They fed me, told me where to be, and disciplined me when I got out of hand. I can\u2019t help but feel that I fulfilled my part in this basic relationship, and they did theirs.<\/span><\/p>\n Yet, I felt that there was more to it. But, as I looked towards my parents for everything they quickly became my role model. Monkey see, monkey do.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Parents have such an immense power in a child\u2019s world. And it may be stating the obvious, but I think a healthy reminder is good. Children watch everything you do and fail to do, and they imitate that, whether that\u2019s good or bad. If you\u2019re a healthy family, those habits tend to rub onto the children. If there is an unhealthy relationship with emotions and how they are handled, your children will also pick that up.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I felt that acutely in my childhood, and it was only more obvious as I grew older after doing a lot of self work and healing. I would be the first to admit that my relationship with my parents isn\u2019t perfect and never will be. It has gone through ups and downs over the years, but I feel happy with where I am at today. All that to say, I realize my parents are imperfect beings with their own baggage.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I went through a phase where I blamed my parents for everything wrong in my life. I was so trapped in my own world that I failed to see anything outside of it. One thing I didn\u2019t realize was that my parents were doing this for the first time. They didn\u2019t have the necessary experience to do all the right things, nor could they.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n They were doing the best they could with what they knew. It was that realization that helped me get past some of my own misgivings and began my healing journey. I think a lot of times when we blame others for the things going wrong in our lives we rob ourselves of the ability to heal.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n By being honest with myself, I finally started building the tools I needed to deal with my unresolved traumas. I call them the sins of the parents, but in reality everyone has them, and if we decide to become parents ourselves, we bring that baggage into our next relationship, the one with our children.<\/span><\/p>\n If only we could all be perfect. We\u2019re healthy, physically and emotionally, have a war chest of tools to deal with past traumas, and navigate tricky relationship challenges. But, life isn\u2019t perfect like that. We have commitments, people, and chores all vying for our time and energy.<\/span><\/p>\n As children, there\u2019s not a lot of say in how our parents parent us. We aren\u2019t adults yet, and we don\u2019t have a ton of agency. But, that doesn\u2019t mean we\u2019re helpless. As we experience and understand the world and parents better with age and experience, we realize they\u2019re imperfect humans, just like us.<\/span><\/p>\n As adult children that is where our agency comes in. We get to choose how to respond. Do we forgive the sins of our parents or do we hold a grudge? This was the turning point in my relationship journey with my parents. I realized that I could blame my parents for the rest of my life or I could empathize and label them as the imperfect humans they were. The latter empowered me to take control of my life<\/a>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n There is often a mismatch in parent child relationships. Whether that\u2019s parent\u2019s expecting their children to be able to regulate their own emotions or unrealistic educational success. I believe many parents have a misguided notion that one\u2019s children should be better off in all ways than the parents, in all aspects. Whether that manifests in more gifts under the Christmas tree than they had growing up or grooming their children to manifest their own unfulfilled aspirations.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n As a child, I hope parents and would-be parents realize that their children have their own wants and dreams, which often don\u2019t align with theirs at all. Parents, who are a product of their own lived experiences often project onto their children their own insecurities and traumas, which are often disguised as, \u201cI just want what\u2019s best for you.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I don\u2019t think parents intentionally harm their children. They often have these lofty dreams for them. However, they fail to stop and ask if that\u2019s what they want. No pressure, no gimmicks, just a healthy conversation with their children on their fears, passions, and dreams. I\u2019d reckon that\u2019s pretty rare.<\/span><\/p>\n A lot of parents fall into this trap of expecting their children to have it together at such a young age. It\u2019s like they forgot how they were at that age. They too, were young, dumb, and reckless, yet, just because they\u2019re the parents now, they expect their children to act a certain way when they themselves had to learn it with experience.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I\u2019m not advocating for parents to allow their children to do anything their hearts desire. But, I\u2019m asking for empathy and to open their eyes to the fact that children need to make their own mistakes and sometimes life lessons must be learned the hard way, as you probably already know. Parents can\u2019t protect their children from all the bad things in the world, so the next best thing is to prepare them to face it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Perhaps it\u2019s the letter I\u2019d love to have written for my parents or just a general public service announcement, but this is what I would say.<\/span><\/p>\n I know there is a deep well of love in your hearts for my brother and I, and we\u2019ll forever be those little babies upon first return from the hospital. But, somewhere between the years that have gone by and our own lived experiences we\u2019re full grown adults now. We have our own experiences, gone through our fair share of heart breaks, and still figuring out this thing called life, as are you.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n As much as you want to protect and shelter us from the world, you can\u2019t because you will not be here forever. We need to develop our own calluses and thick skin for ourselves. Prepare us for the world, but don\u2019t force your own desires and experiences onto us. Give us the tools to face the world, but let us choose for ourselves.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Think of your parents. What did they do that drove you crazy? What did you wish they understood being their child? What would you do differently, now that you\u2019re a parent? Empathy and awareness not only makes us better parents, but better human beings.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n As a long time child, I\u2019m still learning the ins and outs of this job. There\u2019s no frequently asked questions section, nor a manual on how to deal with parents. You\u2019re just expected to show up and know how things work. Well, it\u2019s not that simple.<\/span><\/p>\n Parents are a tricky bunch, they\u2019re usually first timers who are bumbling through the \u201cHow to Raise a Child\u201d manual as well. They\u2019re also expected to just figure it out and know how to deal with the twists and turns in a never ending saga of raising successful, well-adjusted children to adulthood.<\/span><\/p>\n Far too many parents were never ready to be parents at all, but whoever is? To a certain degree, none of us will come out of \u201cchildhood\u201d unscathed without a few neuroses or a certain degree of trauma as souvenirs.<\/span><\/p>\nThe Role Model<\/span><\/h2>\n
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<\/p>\nThe Sins of the Parents<\/span><\/h2>\n
Parents to Child<\/span><\/h2>\n
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<\/p>\nA Message to Parents<\/span><\/h2>\n
A Message to the Children\u00a0<\/span><\/h2>\n
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