\t\t\t<\/p>\n
That\u2019s what happens when you lose your mum to cancer when you\u2019re 20, and your dad to fibrosis when you\u2019re 29. I\u2019ve spent a full decade dealing with grief<\/a>\u00a0<\/strong><\/span>\u2013 and although writing has often been my catharsis, I\u2019ve also found a lot of solace in reading other people\u2019s words.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re new to grieving, it might feel strange to actively seek out the same pain on hundreds of pages. But grief is a collective experience. Every person on the planet will go through it at some point. And one of the biggest lessons I\u2019ve learned about grieving is that we\u2019re honestly not alone in the process, however isolating it might feel.<\/p>\n In fact, it can be a huge help to see your own grief and loss mirrored in that of others; of the hundreds (probably thousands!) of authors who\u2019ve channelled their pain into stories. Sharing what they\u2019ve been through and what they\u2019ve learned about grief becomes a motivation to help others. To help you.<\/p>\n At one point in the bestselling memoir When<\/em> Breath Becomes Air,<\/em> terminally ill author Paul Kalanithi begins to read all the literature he can find about mortality, \u201csearching for a vocabulary with which to make sense of death, to find a way to begin defining (himself) again.\u201d<\/p>\n I\u2019d say this is just as valid as those of us coping with grief. We\u2019re looking for a grief language; one that sadly we don\u2019t have much access to until we\u2019re already thrown headlong into the process.<\/p>\n These books are all true-to-life experiences which feel as real on the page as they must have felt at the time. I hope you find them helpful in the same way that I have \u2013 and in case you\u2019re concerned about being triggered into grief thoughts by any of these books, I\u2019ve added a \u2018grief trigger\u2019 warning for each of them.<\/p>\n NB:<\/strong> I\u2019ve linked each book to their Amazon listings in the UK and US. If you\u2019re not an Amazon fan, all these books can also be found on a Bookshop.org list here.<\/a><\/strong><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n The acclaimed American writer Joan Didion suffered two tragedies in in 2003: first her daughter Quintana Roo fell into a coma, then her husband John suffered a fatal heart attack just a few days later while Quintana was still in hospital. The Year of Magical Thinking\u00a0<\/em>follows the year after John\u2019s sudden death as Joan attempts to reconcile her \u2018magical thinking\u2019 (i.e. all the ritualistic behaviours and thoughts which she imagined could feasibly bring John back) with what has actually happened.<\/p>\n The book is a confession of Joan\u2019s most secret thoughts, and she writes in a precise, seemingly un-emotional style which does jar with some readers. But as someone who\u2019s also experienced intense grief, I see her lack of sentimentality as a coping strategy. Joan\u2019s trauma is simply too big to acknowledge \u2013 so this this book nudges repeatedly at the edges of the trauma instead. It\u2019s just as much a portrait of Joan herself as it is about grief.<\/p>\n The Year of Magical Thinking<\/em> is often regarded as a classic grief memoir and I honestly can\u2019t recommend it highly enough. I actually read this between the deaths of my parents and now feel a strong urge to re-read it with the new clarity of my dad\u2019s death in mind.<\/p>\n Grief triggers:<\/strong> It\u2019s intensely personal, but because the language is quite factual and detached, it\u2019s possible to read this without being particularly triggered. There are no detailed descriptions of death either.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n On the surface, this book isn\u2019t about grief. When we\u2019re introduced to Helen, the protagonist, she\u2019s just lost her father \u2013 but the plot quickly moves to her decision to train a goshawk, as Helen also explains her lifelong love for birds of prey and falconry. But as the book progresses, we realise that this training process is actually a way for her to cope with her father\u2019s sudden death.<\/p>\n A surprising element of grief is its primal quality, something I\u2019ve often felt keenly. Helen\u2019s interpretation of the natural world mirrors her internal pain and anger in a way that\u2019s bizarrely beautiful and almost cathartic for the reader. This book is nothing like the rest on this list, and I\u2019d urge you to read it.<\/p>\n Grief triggers:<\/strong> H Is For Hawk<\/em> is one of the least directly triggering books on this list, but it does occasionally delve into some self-imposed isolation behaviour in the latter half. As beautiful and evocative as Helen\u2019s language is, it might also be a little intense for recent grievers.<\/p>\n I first discovered Tre Miller Rodriguez years ago, when she was blogging about her husband Alberto\u2019s sudden death. I remember feeling awed by her casual references to Alberto\u2019s ashes; to the mundanity of death admin; to the impracticality of scattering Alberto\u2019s ashes in a downwind. More than anything, I loved that she could make a story that focused so pivotally around death into something funny<\/span>.<\/p>\n Reading Splitting the Difference<\/em> felt like I was sitting in a coffee shop with Tre, having a conversation \u2013 and I love her for that. In fact, it\u2019s also a book very much about love: I felt strongly that I knew how amazing Alberto had been because of how much she missed him. And I imagine that\u2019s the exact legacy Tre wanted him to have on her readers.<\/p>\n Grief triggers:<\/strong> apart from a brief description of Alberto\u2019s death, the book\u2019s content takes place in the months and years afterward. Just be warned that ashes are described in detail a few times.<\/p>\n In The Iceberg, <\/em>Marion Coutts details an eighteen month period with her art critic husband Tom Lubbock, as he\u2019s diagnosed with a brain tumour and eventually passes away. Tom\u2019s tumour greatly affected his speech and language skills and so it\u2019s extremely apt that Marion uses stunningly poetic prose throughout the book \u2013 more so because the staccato rhythm directly reflects how surreal and disjointed I felt while both my parents were dying.<\/p>\n Marion doesn\u2019t shy away from the grit and pain of watching a loved one slip away from her, and I loved this book for how honest and brave it is.<\/p>\n Grief triggers:<\/strong> as the entire book focuses on her husband\u2019s decline, it\u2019s safe to say that The Iceberg<\/em> is graphic, detailed and pretty unflinching in its references to approaching death. I\u2019d suggest avoiding this if you\u2019re in the first year or so of grieving \u2013 or at least read a preview on Amazon and\/or flick through the pages at a bookshop before committing.<\/p>\n C.S. Lewis knew his wife Joy was dying when they married. After her death in 1960, he wrote a short collection of meditations on life, death, faith, grief, love, and everything in between.<\/p>\n A commenter on Goodreads noted that these essays almost read like \u2018an old-fashioned live blog\u2019, and perhaps that\u2019s why the oldest book on this list is also one of the most commonly suggested grief reads. A Grief Observed\u00a0<\/em>is a timeless classic because every grieving person can see themselves in his personal, vulnerable and loving words.<\/p>\n Grief<\/strong> triggers<\/strong>:\u00a0A Grief Observed<\/em> is a painful and raw book for those who\u2019ve recently lost someone. If you\u2019re affected by poetry\/poetic language (an emotional trigger for some) then this might be too much for you.<\/p>\n Can a book about near-death experiences help with your grief process? This collection of essays about Maggie\u2019s life \u2013 and her brushes with death \u2013 explores how trauma affects us in both our thinking and behaviour.<\/p>\n As a rather anxious person,<\/strong><\/a> <\/span>I found this book to be a thought-provoking read. On the one hand, reminders of my mortality freak me out somewhat \u2013 but on the other,\u00a0I Am, I Am, I Am\u00a0<\/em>essentially kickstarted my desire to live a full and impassioned life precisely because of that thought of mortality. (I also adore Maggie\u2019s style of writing, so I\u2019m a little biased!)<\/p>\n Grief level:<\/strong> I Am, I Am, I Am <\/em>is probably the safest of all books mentioned here as it doesn\u2019t theoretically involve any deaths. However, some of the scenarios might be somewhat triggering \u2013 her essay subjects include stalking, near-drowning and allergic reactions.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n When Cathy\u2019s brother died after eight years in a coma, she realised how much grief had shaped her life. So she decided to write about her experiences of grief, as well as how she managed to find joy in the world again. Although Cathy has also written a memoir about the story of her brother (which I\u2019ve mentioned later in this article), A Manual For Heartache<\/em> is the book to help others deal with their grief.<\/p>\n It\u2019s a heartfelt and personal guide to the grieving process which is very easy to read \u2013 I think I got through it in a few hours. It\u2019s probably worth having a physical copy too, as it\u2019s a good book to flick through and turn down the page corners.<\/p>\n Grief triggers<\/strong>: definitely tame, soft and gentle enough to read in the first weeks after a bereavement. It\u2019s also a good gift for someone you know who\u2019s grieving.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Grief is the Thing with Feathers<\/em>\u00a0tells the story of a recently widowed father, his two young sons, and \u2018Crow\u2019, who is the embodiment of their grief. The text is sparse, poetic, piecemeal: it\u2019s a quick read in theory, but it stays with you long after you\u2019ve closed the book.<\/p>\n I read this in one breathless evening at an Airbnb in Berlin but already know I need to buy my own copy. It\u2019s haunting and lyrical and it gets under your skin. Most importantly, it concisely captures many of the turbulent emotions felt while grieving.<\/p>\n Grief triggers<\/strong>: It\u2019s probably not something to read in the first few months of grief, as some of the imagery the book conjures up can be very evocative.<\/p>\n NB:<\/strong> This is one of the only fiction books on this list, so if I write a fiction version of this article I\u2019ll move it over there!<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Paul Kalanithi\u2019s memoir about facing stage 4 lung cancer as a young neurosurgeon quickly became a global bestseller. The book moves through Paul\u2019s early career, diagnosis, developing illness and death \u2013 and also includes a touching epilogue written by his wife.<\/p>\n Despite the subject being so acutely sad, I was somewhat surprised that I read this so quickly during a few hours in a coffee shop. The vaguely clinical and academic prose probably helps remove too much of an emotional connection with his story, but of course it\u2019s heartbreaking nonetheless, not least that he died before the book was published. That said, Paul\u2019s meditations on what it means to \u201cface mortality and try to understand what made life worth living\u201d are beautifully realised.<\/p>\n Grief triggers:<\/strong> There\u2019s lots of medical vocabulary, and the first half of the book is all about trauma surgery so those descriptive passages could be explicitly triggering. There\u2019s also references to organ\/body donors, which could be difficult if you have experience of this with a loved one. In fact, When Breath Becomes Air<\/em>\u00a0was pretty triggering for me as one of my grief-related anxieties is thoughts about my own mortality and eventual death, which Paul discusses a lot.<\/p>\n When Clover is a teenager, her mother falls from her horse and suffers permanent brain damage. Although she lives for many years afterwards, Clover\u2019s life is fundamentally affected by the accident \u2013 she faces a form of \u2018living loss\u2019 which follows every decision she makes.<\/p>\n The Wild Other<\/em> is beautifully complex and combines travel narrative with Clover\u2019s fierce determination to live as fully as she possibly can. I know too well how much of a shadow grief and loss can cast over your life, so I found Clover\u2019s memoir particularly inspiring.<\/p>\n Grief triggers:<\/strong> Spiralling behaviour resulting from grief is a strong element to this book. Clover\u2019s mother spends much of her later life in nursing homes so this language can also be triggering.<\/p>\n Shannon, a marine biologist, was celebrating her recent engagement with her Australian fianc\u00e9 Sean in Thailand when he was stung on the leg by a box jellyfish. He died moments later \u2013 and the resulting trauma took her travelling around the world as she attempted to heal from the pain of her loss while memories of Sean abounded.<\/p>\n Shannon\u2019s memoir is an unflinching glimpse into the sudden loss of a partner, but I also found Shannon\u2019s emotional relationship with the ocean and its contents to be particularly interesting.\u00a0Getting to grips with \u2018the enemy\u2019 \u2013 in Shannon\u2019s case, both the species of jellyfish which killed Sean, and with the ocean in general \u2013 is an issue many grieving people have to contend with. I was rooting for Shannon to surmount her fear with an eventual return to the water, and knew from personal experience what a challenge this must have been for her.<\/p>\n Grief level:<\/strong> This book isn\u2019t a great idea for the recently bereaved, as Shannon describes her emotional responses to Sean death in a lot of detail. If you\u2019ve lost someone in a sudden accident, it might be best to avoid this book for a while too.<\/p>\n When Cathy was a teenager, her younger brother Matty was hit by a car and left in a permanent vegetative state (PVS). Over the next eight years, she and her parents faced the daily struggle of coping with Matty\u2019s condition and their own emotional responses. To lose a family member is horrific enough, but also watching them suffer for years is such a vulnerable way to live.<\/p>\n This story could easily be written as an incredibly depressing one, but Cathy\u2019s light turn of phrase and loving, positive undertone throughout makes this a much easier read than you\u2019d expect. I imagine she wrote this a substantial amount of time afterwards, as it feels like she\u2019s healed from the raw intensity. The Last Act of Love<\/em>\u00a0is a wonderful example of how to come to terms with grief and eventually embrace the ways in which it affects your life.<\/p>\n Grief level:<\/strong> If you\u2019ve cared for a loved one in a coma or with PVS then this book might be triggering \u2013 some of the carer-like vocabulary reminded me of my dad\u2019s last few months, which I found quite difficult at times.<\/p>\n Flora\u2019s parents died when she was in her twenties. After a decade of getting to grips with her own grief she wrote The Adult Orphan Club, <\/em>a part memoir and part guide which takes the reader through the journey of grief.<\/p>\n The book combines practical advice with Flora\u2019s lived experiences about what to do before, during, and after the death of someone you love \u2013 along with all the emotional, mental and even physical overwhelm which kicks in too.<\/p>\n (Spoiler: this is my book! You can read more about why I wrote The Adult Orphan Club\u00a0<\/em>here.<\/a><\/span><\/strong>)<\/span><\/p>\n Grief level:<\/strong> If you\u2019ve lost one or both parents then this book will particularly resonate with you. There are no graphic descriptions of death, and it\u2019s written in a practical style that allows a certain amount of distancing if you\u2019re feeling emotional.<\/p>\n I plan to update this article whenever I read anything relevant \u2013 and I might write a similar list of grief fiction too. So if you have suggestions (for both non-fiction and fiction), please leave them in the comments and I\u2019ll check them out!<\/p>\n Again, all these books are available via Bookshop.org<\/a><\/span><\/strong> as well as the Amazon links I\u2019ve provided in each review.<\/p>\n![\"Hiding](\"https:\/\/live.staticflickr.com\/7433\/27512445683_70d589cb23_b.jpg\"\/)
Pin me for later!<\/em><\/h4>\n
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So to make that search a little easier, here are some of the best books I\u2019ve found to help me through grief.<\/h4>\n
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\u2018The Year of Magical Thinking\u2019 by Joan Didion<\/h2>\n
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Buy in the UK<\/strong><\/a> ||\u00a0Buy in the US<\/strong><\/a><\/span><\/h5>\n
\u2018H is for Hawk\u2019 by Helen Macdonald<\/h2>\n
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Buy in the UK<\/strong><\/a> ||\u00a0Buy in the US<\/a><\/strong><\/span><\/h5>\n
\u2018Splitting the Difference: A Heart-Shaped Memoir\u2019 by Tre Miller Rodriguez<\/h2>\n
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Buy in the UK<\/strong><\/a><\/span>\u00a0||\u00a0Buy in the US<\/strong><\/a><\/span><\/h5>\n
\u2018The Iceberg\u2019 by Marion Coutts<\/h2>\n
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Buy in the UK<\/strong><\/a><\/span> ||<\/span> Buy in the US<\/strong><\/a><\/span><\/h5>\n
\u2018A Grief Observed\u2019 by C.S. Lewis<\/h2>\n
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Buy in the UK<\/strong><\/a> || Buy in the US<\/strong><\/a><\/span><\/h5>\n
\u2018I Am, I Am, I Am\u2019 by Maggie O\u2019Farrell<\/h2>\n
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Buy in the UK<\/strong><\/a> ||\u00a0Buy in the US<\/strong><\/a><\/span><\/h5>\n
\u2018A Manual For Heartache\u2019 by Cathy Rentzenbrink<\/h2>\n
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Buy in the UK<\/strong><\/a> || Buy in the US<\/strong><\/a><\/span><\/h5>\n
\u2018Grief is the Thing with Feathers\u2019 by Max Porter<\/h2>\n
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Buy in the UK<\/strong><\/a> || Buy in the US<\/strong><\/a><\/span><\/h5>\n
\u2018When Breath Becomes Air\u2019 by Paul Kalanithi<\/h2>\n
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Buy in the UK<\/strong><\/a> || Buy in the US<\/strong><\/a><\/span><\/h5>\n
\u2018The Wild Other\u2019 by Clover Stroud<\/h2>\n
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Buy in the UK<\/strong><\/a> || Buy in the US<\/a><\/strong><\/span><\/h5>\n
\u2018Travelling with Ghosts\u2019 by Shannon Leone Fowler<\/h2>\n
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Buy in the UK<\/strong><\/a> ||\u00a0Buy in the US<\/strong><\/a><\/span><\/h5>\n
\u2018The Last Act of Love\u2019 by Cathy Rentzenbrink<\/h2>\n
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Buy in the UK<\/a> ||\u00a0Buy in the US<\/a><\/span><\/strong><\/h5>\n
\u2018The Adult Orphan Club\u2019 by Flora Baker<\/h2>\n
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Buy in the UK<\/a> || Buy in the US<\/a><\/span><\/h5>\n
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Grief books still on my to-read list:<\/h3>\n
Please pin this article if you enjoyed it!<\/h4>\n