{"id":7038976,"date":"2026-08-16T07:26:22","date_gmt":"2026-08-16T07:26:22","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/peraltafinancing.com\/uncategorized\/the-missing-step-in-let-them-tending-to-your-emotions\/"},"modified":"2026-08-16T07:26:22","modified_gmt":"2026-08-16T07:26:22","slug":"the-missing-step-in-let-them-tending-to-your-emotions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=7038976","title":{"rendered":"The Missing Step in &#8220;Let Them&#8221;- Tending to Your Emotions"},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <br \/>\n<\/p>\n<div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-y74ns1426\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>I walked into a bookstore the other day and saw that the book <\/span><em style=\"font-style:italic\"><span>Let Them<\/span><\/em><span> is still a bestseller nearly two years after publication. This concept based on ideas of acceptance and <\/span><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/detaching-with-love\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" class=\"PEY94 _4dQlf\" data-hook=\"web-link\"><u style=\"text-decoration:underline\"><span>detachment<\/span><\/u><\/a><span> struck a chord for millions of people. This two-word phrase has become a mantra for navigating everything from disagreements to relationship breakdowns.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<div class=\"Hv2-a\" id=\"viewer-iqrn51648\" tabindex=\"-1\">\n<div class=\"Uec0- _1v4p2\">\n<figure class=\"tP5MZ\" data-hook=\"figure-IMAGE\">\n<div data-hook=\"image-viewer\" class=\"_0qhZJ\">\n<div class=\"_3dU8l UW6V9 TGs-p\" style=\"--dim-height:1196;--dim-width:956;--ricos-image-default-border-color:unset\" data-hook=\"image-viewer-iqrn51648\">\n<div class=\"QnKE0\">\n<div style=\"position:absolute;top:0;left:0;right:0;bottom:0\" id=\"iqrn51648\" class=\"_9idv-\"><wow-image id=\"b99787_5106e19c522c431aa55f75636a1131cb~mv2.webp\" class=\"undefined _9LC36\" data-image-info=\"{&quot;containerId&quot;:&quot;iqrn51648&quot;,&quot;alignType&quot;:&quot;center&quot;,&quot;displayMode&quot;:&quot;fill&quot;,&quot;isLQIP&quot;:true,&quot;isSEOBot&quot;:false,&quot;lqipTransition&quot;:&quot;blur&quot;,&quot;encoding&quot;:&quot;AVIF&quot;,&quot;imageData&quot;:{&quot;width&quot;:956,&quot;height&quot;:1196,&quot;uri&quot;:&quot;b99787_5106e19c522c431aa55f75636a1131cb~mv2.webp&quot;,&quot;name&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;displayMode&quot;:&quot;fill&quot;}}\" data-motion-part=\"BG_IMG iqrn51648\" data-bg-effect-name=\"\" data-has-ssr-src=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/true\" data-animate-blur=\"\" data-is-responsive=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/true\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/static.wixstatic.com\/media\/b99787_5106e19c522c431aa55f75636a1131cb~mv2.webp\/v1\/fill\/w_143,h_179,al_c,q_80,usm_0.66_1.00_0.01,blur_2,enc_avif,quality_auto\/b99787_5106e19c522c431aa55f75636a1131cb~mv2.webp\" alt=\"To Let Them, we need an emotions education.\" style=\"width:100%;height:100%;object-fit:cover;object-position:50% 50%;max-width:100%;position:absolute;left:0;top:0\" data-pin-url=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/the-missing-step-in-let\" data-pin-media=\"https:\/\/static.wixstatic.com\/media\/b99787_5106e19c522c431aa55f75636a1131cb~mv2.webp\/v1\/fill\/w_956,h_1196,al_c,q_85\/b99787_5106e19c522c431aa55f75636a1131cb~mv2.webp\" draggable=\"false\"\/><\/wow-image><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p><button class=\"dwtMs\" type=\"button\" data-hook=\"image-expand-button\" aria-label=\"Expand image\"><svg xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" viewbox=\"0 0 19 19\" class=\"_3-nMI\"><path d=\"M15.071 8.371V4.585l-4.355 4.356a.2.2 0 0 1-.283 0l-.374-.374a.2.2 0 0 1 0-.283l4.356-4.355h-3.786a.2.2 0 0 1-.2-.2V3.2c0-.11.09-.2.2-.2H16v5.371a.2.2 0 0 1-.2.2h-.529a.2.2 0 0 1-.2-.2zm-6.5 6.9v.529a.2.2 0 0 1-.2.2H3v-5.371c0-.11.09-.2.2-.2h.529c.11 0 .2.09.2.2v3.786l4.355-4.356a.2.2 0 0 1 .283 0l.374.374a.2.2 0 0 1 0 .283L4.585 15.07h3.786c.11 0 .2.09.2.2z\" fill=\"#000\" fill-rule=\"nonzero\"\/><\/svg><\/button><\/div>\n<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p><h3 class=\"V6rEi Idh0Q _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-imnfj1658\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span aria-hidden=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/true\" id=\"examples-of-let-them-uses-imnfj165\"\/><span class=\"KvCkS\"><span>Examples of &#8220;Let Them&#8221; Uses<\/span><\/span><\/h3>\n<\/p>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-p775u2926\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>If someone doesn&#8217;t invite you to their 50th birthday? Let them.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-6l1re334\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>If your adult child makes choices you don&#8217;t agree with? Let them.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-gomdr337\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>If a friend ghosts you and pulls away? Let them.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-4hf39340\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>\u201cLet them\u201d is like <\/span><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/detaching-with-love\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" class=\"PEY94 _4dQlf\" data-hook=\"web-link\"><u style=\"text-decoration:underline\"><span>detaching with love<\/span><\/u><\/a><span>. It\u2019s taking your hands off the steering wheel of someone else\u2019s life. The genius of &#8220;let them&#8221; is that it helps us notice something many of us do without realizing it: We try to control other people to feel better ourselves. The moment we recognize this tendency, we gain an opportunity to respond differently.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-dg8fl343\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>But this is just the first step.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-zg727346\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><strong style=\"font-weight:700\"><span>Knowing we should &#8220;let them&#8221; doesn&#8217;t necessarily make it easier to let go of our desire for people to change. If it were that easy, there would be far fewer controlling relationships, fewer codependent patterns, and far less emotional suffering.<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-9l7lw349\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>So, in these circumstances, why is \u201clet them\u201d so hard? As an AEDP psychotherapist, I\u2019d like to share a clinical example that you may relate to\u2013even if you\u2019re not in psychotherapy.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p><h3 class=\"V6rEi Idh0Q _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-2dby7352\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span aria-hidden=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/true\" id=\"sarahs-story-2dby7352\"\/><span class=\"KvCkS\"><span>Sarah&#8217;s Story<\/span><\/span><\/h3>\n<\/p>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-8qn733348\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>This story highlights the complexities of recognizing painful emotions and the brilliant ways we avoid them. How we respond to our complex emotional lives plays a significant role in our ability to find wisdom in the \u201clet them\u201d mindset.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-5ybuf355\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>Consider Sarah, a woman in her 50s whose daughter just graduated from high school. To celebrate her milestone, Sarah\u2019s daughter left for a weeklong camping trip with her best friends. It\u2019s the first time Sarah has let her daughter really \u201cadult\u201d and leave home without supervision.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-jyo6x358\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>Feeling a tad anxious, Sarah texts her daughter and says, \u201cRemember to be careful. And did you take the bug spray and food I bought for you?\u201d But she doesn&#8217;t hear back from her.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-qvyrz361\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>Her mind starts spinning.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-1bxeb364\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>\u201cWhy isn&#8217;t she responding?\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-3o94o367\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>\u201cIs she upset with me?\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-349jt370\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>\u201cIs this what it\u2019s going to be like when she goes to college?\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-j8xx9373\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>Sarah knows the &#8220;let them&#8221; philosophy. She tells herself, &#8220;She&#8217;s doing her own thing. Let her live her life.&#8221;<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-t0kp5376\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>Despite her best efforts, however, she keeps checking her phone. Her compulsion is reminiscent of waiting by her landline for her crush to call during high school. When Sarah\u2019s daughter doesn\u2019t text back after 2 minutes, she fervently drafts a text, \u201cLet me know if you\u2019re still alive!\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-ovr7h490\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>Thankfully, she recognizes her own histrionics and doesn\u2019t push send.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-x9wzu493\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>What&#8217;s happening? From the outside, it looks like Sarah is an overprotective parent with a control problem. But beneath her urge for control lies something deeper.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-pazta496\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>The need to control others or a situation is a \u201c<\/span><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/2015\/12\/17\/he-curses-out-strangers-she-picks-fights-to-avoid-sex-with-her-husband-whats-your-goto-de\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" class=\"PEY94 _4dQlf\" data-hook=\"web-link\"><u style=\"text-decoration:underline\"><span>defense mechanism<\/span><\/u><\/a><span>.\u201d Many of us associate \u201cdefense mechanisms\u201d with Freud, discarding them as outdated psychobabble that holds no relevance today.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-sjauf499\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>Defenses, however, are not nonsense. They are the brilliant ways we protect ourselves from our underlying \u201ccore emotions\u201d &#8212; that we fear or believe we cannot bear or shouldn&#8217;t even have. Here is a list of <\/span><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/common-ways-to-avoid-emotions\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" class=\"PEY94 _4dQlf\" data-hook=\"web-link\"><u style=\"text-decoration:underline\"><span>common defenses<\/span><\/u><\/a><span>.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-bi72b502\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/www.penguinrandomhouse.com\/books\/537514\/its-not-always-depression-by-hilary-jacobs-hendel-lcsw\/\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" class=\"PEY94 _4dQlf\" data-hook=\"web-link\"><u style=\"text-decoration:underline\"><span>Core emotions<\/span><\/u><\/a><span>  are body-based programs that evolved for survival and so humans could thrive, just like thirst and hunger. What most people still haven\u2019t learned is that these emotions are present in all of us and they are not under conscious control.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-64ivv505\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>Core emotions prompt us to take actions that benefit us. A good example is fear. If a bear crossed your path, you\u2019d immediately start running. Fear is the program that prompts the body to run.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-77d9t508\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>When our core emotions are not validated, starting in childhood, we learn to <\/span><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/2015\/06\/30\/its-not-always-depression-sometimes-its-shame\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" class=\"PEY94 _4dQlf\" data-hook=\"web-link\"><u style=\"text-decoration:underline\"><span>bury or suppress<\/span><\/u><\/a><span> them. And this was what was happening for Sarah.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-q8qmp511\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>Underlying Sarah\u2019s deep need to control her daughter was fear: fear of being forgotten, fear of losing connection, and fear of abandonment.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-e1dgt4928\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>There was also <\/span><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/2017\/06\/09\/being-with-sadness\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" class=\"PEY94 _4dQlf\" data-hook=\"web-link\"><u style=\"text-decoration:underline\"><span>sadness<\/span><\/u><\/a><span>: sadness about her impending empty nest and her daughter needing her less.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-1q66a5076\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>And let\u2019s not forget about <\/span><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/two-kinds-of-anger\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" class=\"PEY94 _4dQlf\" data-hook=\"web-link\"><u style=\"text-decoration:underline\"><span>anger<\/span><\/u><\/a><span>. Part of Sarah resented how much she had sacrificed and how little appreciation she received in return. In one of her unsent text drafts, Sarah said, \u201cYou\u2019re so ungrateful! You won\u2019t answer me. I feel so disrespected!\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-bo8ej5227\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>Sarah\u2019s core emotions were not created by the present moment alone. They were amplified by her <\/span><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/rupture-repair-part-1-infancy\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" class=\"PEY94 _4dQlf\" data-hook=\"web-link\"><u style=\"text-decoration:underline\"><span>earlier attachment <\/span><\/u><\/a><span>experiences.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-oxhvq514\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>Sarah grew up feeling unseen, unimportant, and <\/span><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/2015\/06\/30\/its-not-always-depression-sometimes-its-shame\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" class=\"PEY94 _4dQlf\" data-hook=\"web-link\"><u style=\"text-decoration:underline\"><span>emotionally alone<\/span><\/u><\/a><span>. Whenever she felt sad, angry, or afraid, her parents accused her of being \u201coverly sensitive.\u201d Whenever she cried, her father called her a \u201cdrama queen\u201d or a \u201ccrybaby.\u201d These shaming words left Sarah feeling alone. Yet as a child, she relied on her parents for her care and survival. And so Sarah did what we all do when we\u2019re left alone with our emotions: she learned to bury them and manage them with protective defenses.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-zt075611\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>Even though Sarah loves the \u201clet them\u201d theory, the problem isn\u2019t that she hasn\u2019t learned the right cognitive strategy; Sarah\u2019s nervous system was sounding an alarm.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-w40z3614\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>In my work as an AEDP psychotherapist, I teach a tool called <\/span><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/www.penguinrandomhouse.com\/books\/537514\/its-not-always-depression-by-hilary-jacobs-hendel-lcsw\/\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" class=\"PEY94 _4dQlf\" data-hook=\"web-link\"><u style=\"text-decoration:underline\"><span>the Change Triangle<\/span><\/u><\/a><span>, which maps how emotions operate in the mind and body.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-657xs617\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>The Change Triangle is emotions 101. It\u2019s the basic emotions education we all need, but few of us get. (You can print out a copy <\/span><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/print-the-change-triangle\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" class=\"PEY94 _4dQlf\" data-hook=\"web-link\"><u style=\"text-decoration:underline\"><span>here<\/span><\/u><\/a><span>.)<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<div class=\"Hv2-a\" id=\"viewer-rs6yc5347\" tabindex=\"-1\">\n<div class=\"aEc6z _1v4p2\">\n<figure class=\"tP5MZ\" data-hook=\"figure-IMAGE\">\n<div data-hook=\"image-viewer\" class=\"_0qhZJ\">\n<div class=\"_3dU8l UW6V9 TGs-p\" style=\"--dim-height:540;--dim-width:720;--ricos-image-default-border-color:unset\" data-hook=\"image-viewer-rs6yc5347\">\n<div class=\"QnKE0\">\n<div style=\"position:absolute;top:0;left:0;right:0;bottom:0\" id=\"rs6yc5347\" class=\"_9idv-\"><wow-image id=\"b99787_ab5658cc34934c1882f265ed9c12b296~mv2.jpg\" class=\"undefined _9LC36\" data-image-info=\"{&quot;containerId&quot;:&quot;rs6yc5347&quot;,&quot;alignType&quot;:&quot;center&quot;,&quot;displayMode&quot;:&quot;fill&quot;,&quot;isLQIP&quot;:true,&quot;isSEOBot&quot;:false,&quot;lqipTransition&quot;:&quot;blur&quot;,&quot;encoding&quot;:&quot;AVIF&quot;,&quot;imageData&quot;:{&quot;width&quot;:720,&quot;height&quot;:540,&quot;uri&quot;:&quot;b99787_ab5658cc34934c1882f265ed9c12b296~mv2.jpg&quot;,&quot;name&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;displayMode&quot;:&quot;fill&quot;}}\" data-motion-part=\"BG_IMG rs6yc5347\" data-bg-effect-name=\"\" data-has-ssr-src=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/true\" data-animate-blur=\"\" data-is-responsive=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/true\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/static.wixstatic.com\/media\/b99787_ab5658cc34934c1882f265ed9c12b296~mv2.jpg\/v1\/fill\/w_130,h_97,al_c,q_80,usm_0.66_1.00_0.01,blur_2,enc_avif,quality_auto\/b99787_ab5658cc34934c1882f265ed9c12b296~mv2.jpg\" alt=\"The Change Triangle Tool for Emotional Health is the basic emotions education we all need to meet the challenges of life.\" style=\"width:100%;height:100%;object-fit:cover;object-position:50% 50%;max-width:100%;position:absolute;left:0;top:0\" data-pin-url=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/the-missing-step-in-let\" data-pin-media=\"https:\/\/static.wixstatic.com\/media\/b99787_ab5658cc34934c1882f265ed9c12b296~mv2.jpg\/v1\/fill\/w_720,h_540,al_c,q_85\/b99787_ab5658cc34934c1882f265ed9c12b296~mv2.jpg\" draggable=\"false\"\/><\/wow-image><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p><button class=\"dwtMs\" type=\"button\" data-hook=\"image-expand-button\" aria-label=\"Expand image\"><svg xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" viewbox=\"0 0 19 19\" class=\"_3-nMI\"><path d=\"M15.071 8.371V4.585l-4.355 4.356a.2.2 0 0 1-.283 0l-.374-.374a.2.2 0 0 1 0-.283l4.356-4.355h-3.786a.2.2 0 0 1-.2-.2V3.2c0-.11.09-.2.2-.2H16v5.371a.2.2 0 0 1-.2.2h-.529a.2.2 0 0 1-.2-.2zm-6.5 6.9v.529a.2.2 0 0 1-.2.2H3v-5.371c0-.11.09-.2.2-.2h.529c.11 0 .2.09.2.2v3.786l4.355-4.356a.2.2 0 0 1 .283 0l.374.374a.2.2 0 0 1 0 .283L4.585 15.07h3.786c.11 0 .2.09.2.2z\" fill=\"#000\" fill-rule=\"nonzero\"\/><\/svg><\/button><\/div>\n<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-3ikiz142\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>At the bottom of the triangle are our core emotions\u2014fear, sadness, anger, joy, excitement, and disgust. Above them on the right are inhibitory emotions such as anxiety, shame, and guilt. At the top left are defenses: the automatic strategies we use to avoid emotional discomfort. Examples include overthinking, worrying, people-pleasing, criticizing, controlling, and obsessing. (Not to mention addiction and depression.)<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-nhn5x997\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>These defenses are not character flaws. They are attempts to manage emotional pain. When Sarah struggled to \u201clet\u201d her daughter have her freedom, she was caught in a defense.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p><h3 class=\"V6rEi Idh0Q _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-8puym219\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span aria-hidden=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/true\" id=\"tending-to-emotions-with-the-change-triangle-as-the-guide-8puym219\"\/><span class=\"KvCkS\"><span>Tending to Emotions with the Change Triangle as the Guide<\/span><\/span><\/h3>\n<\/p>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-hw2c61000\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>The goal when working the Change Triangle is to get to our core emotions and then move through them, back to a regulated state<\/span><u style=\"text-decoration:underline\"><span>.<\/span><\/u><span> As Sarah slowed down, she noticed tightness in her chest, a lump in her throat, and a sinking feeling in her stomach. Instead of trying to outsmart her distress, she began to acknowledge her emotions. \u201cOf course, I&#8217;m sad.\u201d My daughter is leaving soon for college, she reminded herself.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-yycqq1003\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>\u201cOf course, I&#8217;m scared.\u201d I fear losing our deep connection, and my daughter\u2019s silence highlights this fear.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-io6j81006\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>\u201cOf course, I\u2019m angry.\u201d My daughter didn\u2019t respond, and her silence felt like an attack, a dagger to my heart.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<div class=\"Hv2-a\" id=\"viewer-8dj9w7649\" tabindex=\"-1\">\n<div class=\"uYNgY eBLY0\">\n<figure class=\"tP5MZ\" data-hook=\"figure-IMAGE\">\n<div data-hook=\"image-viewer\" class=\"_0qhZJ\">\n<div class=\"_3dU8l UW6V9 TGs-p\" style=\"--dim-height:540;--dim-width:720;--ricos-image-default-border-color:unset\" data-hook=\"image-viewer-8dj9w7649\">\n<div class=\"QnKE0\">\n<div style=\"position:absolute;top:0;left:0;right:0;bottom:0\" id=\"8dj9w7649\" class=\"_9idv-\"><wow-image id=\"b99787_f6598eac03be481bb50c0383baa531af~mv2.jpg\" class=\"undefined _9LC36\" data-image-info=\"{&quot;containerId&quot;:&quot;8dj9w7649&quot;,&quot;alignType&quot;:&quot;center&quot;,&quot;displayMode&quot;:&quot;fill&quot;,&quot;isLQIP&quot;:true,&quot;isSEOBot&quot;:false,&quot;lqipTransition&quot;:&quot;blur&quot;,&quot;encoding&quot;:&quot;AVIF&quot;,&quot;imageData&quot;:{&quot;width&quot;:720,&quot;height&quot;:540,&quot;uri&quot;:&quot;b99787_f6598eac03be481bb50c0383baa531af~mv2.jpg&quot;,&quot;name&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;displayMode&quot;:&quot;fill&quot;}}\" data-motion-part=\"BG_IMG 8dj9w7649\" data-bg-effect-name=\"\" data-has-ssr-src=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/true\" data-animate-blur=\"\" data-is-responsive=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/true\"><img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/static.wixstatic.com\/media\/b99787_f6598eac03be481bb50c0383baa531af~mv2.jpg\/v1\/fill\/w_130,h_97,al_c,q_80,usm_0.66_1.00_0.01,blur_2,enc_avif,quality_auto\/b99787_f6598eac03be481bb50c0383baa531af~mv2.jpg\" alt=\"Sarah's Change Triangle and how it helped her &quot;Let Them.&quot;\" style=\"width:100%;height:100%;object-fit:cover;object-position:50% 50%;max-width:100%;position:absolute;left:0;top:0\" data-pin-url=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/the-missing-step-in-let\" data-pin-media=\"https:\/\/static.wixstatic.com\/media\/b99787_f6598eac03be481bb50c0383baa531af~mv2.jpg\/v1\/fill\/w_720,h_540,al_c,q_85\/b99787_f6598eac03be481bb50c0383baa531af~mv2.jpg\" draggable=\"false\"\/><\/wow-image><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p><button class=\"dwtMs\" type=\"button\" data-hook=\"image-expand-button\" aria-label=\"Expand image\"><svg xmlns=\"http:\/\/www.w3.org\/2000\/svg\" viewbox=\"0 0 19 19\" class=\"_3-nMI\"><path d=\"M15.071 8.371V4.585l-4.355 4.356a.2.2 0 0 1-.283 0l-.374-.374a.2.2 0 0 1 0-.283l4.356-4.355h-3.786a.2.2 0 0 1-.2-.2V3.2c0-.11.09-.2.2-.2H16v5.371a.2.2 0 0 1-.2.2h-.529a.2.2 0 0 1-.2-.2zm-6.5 6.9v.529a.2.2 0 0 1-.2.2H3v-5.371c0-.11.09-.2.2-.2h.529c.11 0 .2.09.2.2v3.786l4.355-4.356a.2.2 0 0 1 .283 0l.374.374a.2.2 0 0 1 0 .283L4.585 15.07h3.786c.11 0 .2.09.2.2z\" fill=\"#000\" fill-rule=\"nonzero\"\/><\/svg><\/button><\/div>\n<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-igj8t1009\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>When emotions are named, validated, and experienced in the body, something remarkable happens. The nervous system begins to settle. The emotional energy moves through rather than remaining stuck.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-tqqjq1012\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>Only then does &#8220;let them&#8221; become more than a slogan. It becomes a possible choice.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-axffs1015\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>The phrase &#8220;let them&#8221; helps us identify our <\/span><a target=\"_blank\" href=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/2017\/08\/05\/is-this-a-george-costanza-moment\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\" class=\"PEY94 _4dQlf\" data-hook=\"web-link\"><u style=\"text-decoration:underline\"><span>impulse<\/span><\/u><\/a><span> to control. This is brilliant. Emotional freedom, however, requires another step. To stop the impulse to control others, we must feel and process the emotions our defenses try to protect us from. In other words, before we can truly \u201clet them,\u201d we need to tend to the emotions that exist deep within us.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-t8clj1018\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>Sarah realized that her daughter\u2019s need for independence was not a rejection. It was a healthy and normal part of becoming an adult. Sarah\u2019s ability to fully see her daughter deepened their relationship. Their conversations became more authentic, enjoyable, and loving.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-s6h9v1021\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><span>&#8220;Let them&#8221; is a powerful beginning. An education in emotions helps us complete the journey. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<div data-breakout=\"normal\">\n<p class=\"n58GL wgYGg _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-jrg4m10688\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span class=\"HWr-d\"><em style=\"font-style:italic\"><span>Details and names have been changed for patient privacy.<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<p><h3 class=\"V6rEi Idh0Q _3ea47 EsZzH\" dir=\"auto\" id=\"viewer-6c7418841\" tabindex=\"-1\"><span aria-hidden=\"https:\/\/www.hilaryjacobshendel.com\/post\/true\" id=\"further-reading-6c741884\"\/><span class=\"KvCkS\"><strong style=\"font-weight:700\"><u style=\"text-decoration:underline\"><span>Further Reading<\/span><\/u><\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>I walked into a bookstore the other day and saw that the book Let Them is still a bestseller nearly two years after publication. This concept based on ideas of acceptance and detachment struck a chord for millions of people. This two-word phrase has become a mantra for navigating everything from disagreements to relationship breakdowns. [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7038977,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[124045,134966,133811,98236,201517],"tags":[6403,4565,2172,46312],"dealstore":[],"offerexpiration":[],"class_list":["post-7038976","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-awareness","category-conflict","category-connection","category-relationships","category-substance-abuse","tag-emotions","tag-missing","tag-step","tag-tending"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>The Missing Step in &quot;Let Them&quot;- Tending to Your Emotions - Som2ny Network<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=7038976\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Missing Step in &quot;Let Them&quot;- Tending to Your Emotions - Som2ny Network\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"I walked into a bookstore the other day and saw that the book Let Them is still a bestseller nearly two years after publication. 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[&hellip;]\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=7038976\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Som2ny Network\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2026-08-16T07:26:22+00:00\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:image\" content=\"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/b99787_60ea72f9ee3345118f291c766afa9993mv2-1024x736.png\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:width\" content=\"1024\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:height\" content=\"736\" \/>\n\t<meta property=\"og:image:type\" content=\"image\/png\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"7 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=7038976#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=7038976\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"admin\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/#\/schema\/person\/b85e3c3dc0e1daea076524dc8810c371\"},\"headline\":\"The Missing Step in &#8220;Let Them&#8221;- Tending to Your Emotions\",\"datePublished\":\"2026-08-16T07:26:22+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=7038976\"},\"wordCount\":1346,\"commentCount\":0,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/#organization\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=7038976#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/b99787_60ea72f9ee3345118f291c766afa9993mv2.png\",\"keywords\":[\"Emotions\",\"Missing\",\"Step\",\"Tending\"],\"articleSection\":[\"Awareness\",\"Conflict\",\"connection\",\"Relationships\",\"substance abuse\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=7038976#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=7038976\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=7038976\",\"name\":\"The Missing Step in \\\"Let Them\\\"- Tending to Your Emotions - 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This concept based on ideas of acceptance and detachment struck a chord for millions of people. This two-word phrase has become a mantra for navigating everything from disagreements to relationship breakdowns. 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