{"id":7035486,"date":"2026-08-09T18:29:32","date_gmt":"2026-08-09T18:29:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/peraltafinancing.com\/uncategorized\/how-i-feel-about-a-diagnosis-of-borderline-personality-disorder\/"},"modified":"2026-08-09T18:29:32","modified_gmt":"2026-08-09T18:29:32","slug":"how-i-feel-about-a-diagnosis-of-borderline-personality-disorder","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=7035486","title":{"rendered":"How I Feel About A Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder"},"content":{"rendered":"


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As you might be aware, May is always the official borderline personality disorder awareness month, which means I do try and make an extra effort to post more to my blog and do my part in raising awareness, and I will continue to do so, but bare with me if I\u2019m not as on it as I might be! But I\u2019m kicking it off today with a bit of a late night ramble from a night where I wasn\u2019t feeling my best and needed to let off some steam and give you guys some truths about living with bpd.\u00a0<\/p>\n

If you\u2019ve just been diagnosed with bpd, or you have bpd and you\u2019re wanting reassurance, this post might not be for you. If you have similar feelings with your bpd then maybe it is, to know someone else is just as frustrated, angry and fed up with it as you are, but if you\u2019re not in that mindset, maybe skip this post. I try my best to be positive here on my blog, but I swore to be honest, I swore to be open and show the reality of a life with mental health issues and a life with bpd tagged to you, and this is the reality of it I\u2019m afraid.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes, I can be rational, and stable, and see the good in life, and be happy, and other times, for what feels like majority of the time, I\u2019m irrational, And I\u2019m unstable, and I don\u2019t see the good in life. It\u2019s easy to say \u201cwell you take the rough with the smooth in life\u201d when you haven\u2019t got a disorder like this, because yes life naturally does have its ups and downs, but when those ups and downs are magnified by a thousand, and the ups feel like the best you\u2019ll ever feel and the lows feel like earth shattering anguish, it\u2019s not so easy to accept. Because the thing is, being bpd doesn\u2019t mean I don\u2019t live the same life as everyone else with good days and bad days, good news and bad news, it means I live that life AS WELL as the ups and downs of the disorder itself. I can have good days, where things go right in the world, I\u2019m on time for work, the suns out, it\u2019s my favourite song on the radio, and yet my brain is feeling the opposite. My brain is not having a good day, my brain doesn\u2019t see the sun shining, or hear my favourite song, my brain sees that I\u2019m alive and feeling the same bad feelings it did before. And then a few minutes or a few hours later, it\u2019s good in my brain again, I recognise the sun on my skin and smile and I go about my day, and try and forget that in a few more hours this can all end and the cycle continues, day in, day out.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I cannot simply just \u201cbe positive\u201d or \u201cembrace bad days\u201d because my negatives and my bad days are not just things I can shrug off, they are things that happen and instantly the person in my head says \u201cwell, should probably just kill our selves really shouldn\u2019t we\u201d. Over anything, I can have a bad day at work and have this thought of \u201cgod I have to work for another 50 years this sucks\u201d and instead of being like well I could change jobs, I could have done this differently at work, tomorrow could be different, my brain says death is an easier way out. And if you\u2019re thinking \u2018well that\u2019s ridiculous to think that\u2019 you\u2019re right! And that\u2019s how it infuriating it is to live with it too – because I know there are things I can change in my life, things I can do to improve my mood and my overall well-being, but do you think the person in my brain cares about ANY of that? The person in my brain wants immediate change and an immediate fix, and to them, that\u2019s suicide. Every time, without fail. Which if you didn\u2019t realise, is fucking exhausting.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes I do feel cheated. I feel like I got the shit stick, the short straw, the joker card. And it\u2019s hard not to when I start to ruminate about life and how\u2019s it\u2019s been in the past, the struggles I\u2019ve had, the relationships I\u2019ve lost, the breakdowns I\u2019ve ensued, the pain I\u2019ve caused my loved ones, and how none of that would have happened without my bpd, and how this will likely continue for a while. But then when I have these thoughts, I\u2019m also consumed with guilt, for those that are wishing to have any life at all, for those with limited time on this earth, for those less fortunate, those who\u2019d swap lives in a heartbeat and would likely think me ungrateful, and rightly so.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>But when I make an attempt on my life, I wish people would know I\u2019m not trying to throw away a life I\u2019ve been given, to throw away everything I\u2019ve done and everything those around me have done for me, I\u2019m simply trying to end the pain that being alive is causing me every single day.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I understand that\u2019s a hard concept to grasp unless you\u2019ve felt it. Many people also don\u2019t understand euthanasia, and feel it\u2019s wrong for us to \u2018play god\u2019 and decide what lives get to end and what is \u201ctoo much to deal with\u201d and what isn\u2019t. But these people have likely never felt the pain that we feel daily, whether that\u2019s physical pain from a visible illness, or the invisible mental torture those with ill mental health feel. In general people do tend to understand pain and suffering more in a physical aspect than they do mental, and it applies to everything from life to death and everything in between. But the same way those who want to be in charge of their own death and suffering because of a physical illness want to be able to do so, those of us suffering with our minds also want to do what we want to stop it too. It\u2019s very hard to compare situations, but on a general basis this is how I like to think about it anyway.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

When I was first diagnosed with bpd, I was relieved, I\u2019d be wanting this official diagnosis for around 3\/4 years, and waited for it to finally be given to me, to validate every feeling I\u2019d had for a long time about my mental health. I felt as though I could finally step into my bpd shoes and start getting better and dealing with it, and if anything, my health was a million miles away from where it is now, at 23. It\u2019s been five years since I\u2019ve been diagnosed, and I\u2019ve gone from bad to good to worse to alright to terrible and everything in between in that time. It\u2019s been exhausting. I\u2019ve lost friendships, I\u2019ve lost relationships, I\u2019ve learned a million and one things about myself, good and bad, I\u2019ve hurt people, and I\u2019ve been hurt. And if anything at the five year mark, I still feel sadness and anguish that I\u2019m one of the million others branded with this disorder. It\u2019s hard not to when you try and look up any sort of research of information about bpd, you\u2019re met with articles on the negatives of bpd, with google question drop downs about \u201ccan people with bpd feel love\u201d and \u201care people with bpd manipulative\u201d if you don\u2019t believe me, go search for it. Over the years the negatives have filtered out and the actual scientific research pages have started appearing at the top more, but the frequently searched for questions about what we are like as people stays the same. And it breaks my heart every single time.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Because I am not my disorder, but there are parts of me that stem from that disorder. I am still human, I can still be good and bad and make choices and do the right or wrong thing like anyone else. Except that when I do good or bad things, it\u2019s usually rationalised with \u201cbecause of bpd\u201d. If I cause an argument or I say something mean, it\u2019s \u201cpart of my bpd to be angry and lash out\u201d, if I am bad to someone or manipulative it\u2019s \u201cbpd manipulation techniques\u201d or if I\u2019m kind and caring it\u2019s \u201cmy bpd that gives me empathy\u201d or if I show an interest in art or animals it\u2019s \u201cbpd interests in creativity and good with animals\u201d. And yet I am still told \u201cyou\u2019re not your diagnosis\u201d, if I\u2019m not, then why is everything I do always related to my diagnosis? Why can\u2019t I say something mean simply because I\u2019m being a dickhead? Or be good at art because I am a creative person? Even in friendships and relationships, if I cause an argument and refuse to listen it can be met with \u201cyou do this all the time\u201d and told it\u2019s something I should get therapy for for my bpd, rather than something I can work on myself and as a couple. It can be easy to feel like a scape goat for relationships breaking down or problems, because I have a disorder infamous for causing issues in relationships and how I communicate and relate with others.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Which in itself is hard to swallow. You\u2019re often told by professionals how your diagnosis doesn\u2019t change who you are, it doesn\u2019t change you as a person, it doesn\u2019t mean you can\u2019t have relationships and feel love, and it doesn\u2019t mean you can\u2019t thrive and live a happy life. Yet why is everything I\u2019ve experienced, the very opposite? Every relationship I\u2019ve had has broken down because of some aspect of my bpd. Whether it\u2019s that I\u2019m too much to cope with, or my wildly unpredictable stability levels, or that I don\u2019t communicate well, or that someone simply doesn\u2019t want to educate themselves on bpd and how they can help me. And I don\u2019t need help or to rely on a loved one, but in a relationship especially one where you are living together or spending a lot of time together, I am going to need support, and I am going to need extra adjustments, just like someone with a physical impairment would do. You wouldn\u2019t turn to someone in a wheelchair and say \u201csorry I\u2019m not going to push you around in your chair because you should be independent and you shouldn\u2019t rely on me because you have an illness\u201d, so why is it acceptable to say to those with a mental illness? And this isn\u2019t just a relationship issue, but something I find issues with in every aspect of my life. I struggle with work and my jobs, because I disclose my disorder and what it means and what that might affect for work, I am often treated differently. Not always in a bad way sure, and sometimes these measures are meant to be supportive ones and just assessing the risks, but it can feel like you\u2019re being watched and observed for it. If I get upset at work I\u2019m asked \u201chave I taken my meds\u201d or \u201cis this the start of an episode\u201d rather than me just having a cry at work like everyone else does.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

All this when you sit and think about it late at night does take its toll. I do feel sad about the life I would have liked to have had, or the life I think I\u2019d have had if I didn\u2019t have bpd and it didn\u2019t affect me in my relationships and work etc. I think about how I do struggle to find work that\u2019s accommodating to someone who needs extra support and a bit of lenience in terms of sick days, and something that fits around my irregular stability patterns and episodes of instability, and I do think about how my relationships are affected by my bpd, not just in terms of how I react to situations or how I feel about certain situations but just in general sometimes, like the fact that some people are ignorant to mental illness and don\u2019t want to date someone with a long term, irregular and erratic illness that means they can lash out, or have days where they don\u2019t get out of bed, or don\u2019t speak, or don\u2019t understand simple things or take things to extremes and feel abandoned or unloved by simple, harmless actions by them. Because if I think about it, would I want that? Would I want to date someone who would need my support and extra reassurance and love? I don\u2019t know.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

This isn\u2019t always romantic relationships either, in friendships I can feel like such a burden. And find myself distancing myself from people, and isolating myself to avoid being abandoned or being hurt. Having bpd means that the slightest things said or done can make me feel abandoned, unloved, and send me spiralling into a deep depression and a very dark place. I\u2019ve attempted suicide after a small argument with people many a time, because I can\u2019t see a way out of feeling this way. Which sometimes is the core of the problem, it\u2019s not that it\u2019s happened, it\u2019s that something small has made me feel so insecure and so much in despair that I think how ridiculous the illness is and simply feel like I can\u2019t do it anymore. I can\u2019t wake up and be sent spiralling by something so ridiculous anymore, it\u2019s exhausting.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I know a lot of people say they wouldn\u2019t change themselves and wouldn\u2019t get rid of their illness if they could, and I have times when my diagnosis was questioned and I have felt upset and like my identity was being questioned, but honestly? I would get rid of bpd in a heartbeat if I could. For everyone. It\u2019s hard, it\u2019s annoying and it\u2019s fucking tiring. And if you also have bpd and got this far through my hissy fit – you are so fucking strong and amazing for dealing with this shit every day.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I promise tomorrow I will try and see the sun shining and see the good in the life I\u2019ve been given. But right now I\u2019m tired, my face is tear stained and all I\u2019ve have the energy left for is to sleep it off.<\/span><\/p>\n

Meg x<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00a0 As you might be aware, May is always the official borderline personality disorder awareness month, which means I do try and make an extra effort to post more to my blog and do my part in raising awareness, and I will continue to do so, but bare with me if I\u2019m not as on […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7035487,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[29396,4547,15899,4293,198434,26988],"dealstore":[],"offerexpiration":[],"class_list":["post-7035486","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-borderline","tag-diagnosis","tag-disorder","tag-feel","tag-how-i-feel-about-a-diagnosis-of-borderline-personality-disorder","tag-personality"],"yoast_head":"\nHow I Feel About A Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder - Som2ny Network<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=7035486\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"How I Feel About A Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder - 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