It\u2019s with a deep sense of pride that I announce my candidacy. Yes, that\u2019s right. I\u2019m running for President of the United States.<\/p>\n
Now I know what you\u2019re thinking\u2026<\/p>\n
How could anyone possibly do it better? We\u2019re already living in the golden age.<\/p>\n
Fair point.<\/p>\n
But let me ask you a question\u2026<\/p>\n
Shouldn\u2019t we always strive for more? Or would you rather just rest on our (wildly impressive) laurels? Me, I believe in progress. And after carefully studying our society, it\u2019s safe to say:<\/p>\n
I know exactly<\/em> what America wants.<\/p>\n
Can I deliver this alone? Of course not. We\u2019re all just flesh-and-blood individuals. But together we can be so much more. Please allow me a moment to humbly offer some new ideas. And if you share my dreams of a brighter future for our nation? Then maybe you\u2019ll grant me the honor of your vote. Without further ado\u2026<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s my five-point plan to make America kick ass again.<\/p>\n
(pronounced MAKAA \u2013 say it loudly at the end, like a bird squawking) \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n
1 \u2013 Heal the bickering<\/strong><\/p>\n
Does anyone enjoy our election season anymore? All the arguments. Endless noise. Going on and on for months at a time. Both sides agree \u2013 it\u2019s exhausting.<\/p>\n
Well\u2026<\/p>\n
If elected, I\u2019ll finally <\/em>put an end to this excruciating process. No more months of bickering. That\u2019s right. You\u2019ll be able to sleep soundly in peace and quiet. Knowing our constant fighting will be over. Because now we\u2019ll have only one BIG fight that decides our elections. An extravaganza. Yes, you guessed correctly. I\u2019m talking about a cagematch in Madison Square Garden. Winner takes all.<\/p>\n
Two humans, one cage.<\/p>\n
The victor gets the presidency. The loser surrenders. And gets deported, of course. It\u2019s a can\u2019t miss pay-per-view event. Limited tickets available on the White House website. \u00a0<\/p>\n
2 \u2013 Field experts, shmeild experts<\/strong><\/p>\n
Recently, I put a great deal of thought into this question \u2013 what is an expert? Is it even a real thing? Facts and \u201cknowledge\u201d get debated as much as opinions. There\u2019s really only one thing we can agree on\u2026<\/p>\n
That our leaders always seem to be inept.<\/p>\n
Aren\u2019t you exhausted? I know I am. Why must we choose between two bad options? It\u2019s almost like we\u2019re being run by the worst of our society. Well, my government will be very<\/em> different. With the best of us appointed to run America. That\u2019s right\u2026<\/p>\n
I\u2019m talking about celebrities.<\/p>\n
You\u2019re nodding your head furiously, right? Bingo. Who needs \u201cknowledge\u201d when you can have starpower? And we\u2019re already off to a great start. After meeting with Tiger Woods over the weekend, he\u2019s in negotiations for a role on my staff. I told him go ahead and pick any job. But, to me, Director Of Transportation feels like a great fit. It\u2019s such a bland position. We need a superstar behind the wheel of it. <\/p>\n
Fingers crossed.<\/p>\n
Like me, you\u2019ve always dreamed of seeing A-listers in charge of our government. We know them. We trust them. Obviously, the rich and famous are well-suited to be public servants. Stars, they\u2019re just like us. For months, I tried to think of a good Director Of Intelligence. Then boom, a bolt of lightning. It came to me. We\u2019re all thinking the same name, right? Because who doesn\u2019t love Britney Spears? In retrospect, our smartest decisions always turn out to be the most obvious. This entire country wants to see her succeed. So, why not show our trust\u2026<\/p>\n
By handing her the keys to our nation\u2019s security.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet me spread my wings and I will fly.\u201d<\/em> -Susan Boyle, American Idol<\/p>\n
3 \u2013 No new taxes<\/strong><\/p>\n
The dreaded \u201cT-word.\u201d Gross. Yes, taxes suck. Objectively. It\u2019s not exactly a controversial take. But what if I told you I was planning to lower them? Oh, right. Everyone says that. So\u2026<\/p>\n
Why don\u2019t I just go ahead and ELIMINATE all of your taxes?<\/p>\n
You can go ahead and save the date for my parade. I mean, who needs taxes anyway? Not this guy. And not my America. Sure, you\u2019ll end up paying a bit more than you do now. But I\u2019m officially changing the name to \u201ccitizens are awesome\u201d donations.<\/p>\n
Way nicer ring to it than \u201ctaxes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Doesn\u2019t it feel great to be complimented? You are an awesome citizen. And we sure do appreciate your financial contributions. Keep on keepin\u2019 on. By that I mean please work a bit harder because we need more of your money.<\/p>\n
But never forget\u2026<\/p>\n
We think you\u2019re awesome.<\/p>\n
4 \u2013 Fix the news confusion<\/strong><\/p>\n
Are you fed up with all the misinformation each day? People trying to trick you. Messing with your beautiful mind. It\u2019s like living in a spider web of confusion. How can someone know what\u2019s fake anymore? Or if anything is still real? Just no way to tell. Your mind stays restless. On high alert. <\/p>\n
Until now, that is.<\/p>\n
From this day forward, ALL news will be fake. It\u2019s the first thing I\u2019m signing into law. You no longer need to bang your head against the nearest wall to figure out what\u2019s true. <\/p>\n
Because nothing will be.<\/p>\n
Breathe a giant sigh of relief. Exhale. Your daily confusion is gone. Everything <\/em>you read or watch will be total baloney. A big, steaming pile of poppycock. \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
Except for what I tell you.<\/p>\n
Which is always 100% true. <\/p>\n
You\u2019re living in the era of TMB. So, just do the T. And I\u2019ll be the M.<\/p>\n
Trust me bro. \u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n
5 \u2013 Put an end to wars<\/strong><\/p>\n
What\u2019s up with all the fighting? Missiles and bombs everywhere. Day after day. Can\u2019t we all just get along? Yes we can, Rodney. <\/p>\n
Yes. We can. <\/p>\n
Wouldn\u2019t you love to live in peace? I sure would. And our answer is crystal clear\u2026<\/p>\n
We must blow up all the other countries.<\/p>\n
How did all of our past administrations drop the ball on this? They totally fumbled the rock. We\u2019ve finally solved our constant fighting. Thanks to a perfect solution. With no other nations, how can there be wars? Quick, hand me a microphone to drop. At long last, you\u2019ll have peace. And, in my second term, maybe we\u2019ll blow up the immigrants too.<\/p>\n
(Oh, actually, there won\u2019t be any left)<\/em><\/p>\n
Best. Prez. Ever.<\/p>\n
Small fyi\u2026you\u2019re all needed in the military for this last war. I call it Project Elimination<\/span>. Might only take a few months to wipe out these other pesky countries. I know what you\u2019re thinking. And you\u2019re right. Some of you probably won\u2019t make it out alive. But, hey, thanks for your service. <\/p>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.milenerd.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/03\/sweet.jpg\")
<\/a><\/figure>\n<\/p><\/div>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"