\n<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen trauma is a factor in someone\u2019s past, how would you recommend sharing that with partners\/metamours?\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n Last year, on the Wild & Sublime<\/em> live Chicago show, I got this audience question during the Q&A portion. Time ran out before the panel and I were able to answer it, so I\u2019ll address it here.<\/p>\n If you\u2019ve experienced significant trauma in your past, there may come a point when telling intimate partners and perhaps those in your polycule, such as metamours (your partner\u2019s other partners in polyamory speak), can benefit you. Sharing with partners may build emotional intimacy and trust and perhaps even deepen the quality of your erotic life. Remember, though, you\u2019re in charge of determining how much to share, when to share and with whom.<\/p>\n How you share your trauma history depends on a few factors. First, is your trauma just coming to light? If you\u2019re still in a raw place, consider taking it slowly when talking about it with folks other than a mental health practitioner. Your insights are probably still coalescing.\u00a0<\/p>\n Or if you have already metabolized trauma, understand your triggers and know how your relationships get impacted, you can share what that looks like. Do you pull away or get overly close? (How you show up in relationships is\u00a0 popularly known as your attachment style, and you can read more in books like PolySecure<\/em> by Jessica Fern or Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find \u2014 and Keep \u2014 Love<\/em> by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.)<\/p>\n When we go to share deep information with others, we\u2019ll have more success if we set the stage.\u00a0<\/p>\n Sometimes \u201cwhen we share something, we have not necessarily shared what we\u2019re looking for,\u201d said Chicago somatic therapist Meggie Twible, whose client list includes those who are polyamorous. \u201cThen the other person hears what we have shared and goes into their own kind way of responding that\u2019s usually well-intentioned and might not be what we actually need. So I\u2019ll ask my clients, what kind of support are you looking for right now? For some people that\u2019s a new consideration, like, oh, what are the options?\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cOftentimes when conversations have taken a turn that wasn\u2019t anticipated,\u201d Twible said, \u201cit\u2019s because there\u2019s been a misalignment of what\u2019s being sought out and what\u2019s being offered. Making it more explicit can be helpful. You could say, \u2018Hey, there\u2019s something I want to share with you, and I\u2019m actually just looking for you to listen to me. I don\u2019t need you to respond much,\u2019 or \u2018I\u2019m hoping you might be able to offer some empathy or some reflective listening. Do you have capacity for that?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n If we\u2019ve had trauma, we might not know how to share in ways that support us. Oversharing might feel like leaning into vulnerability, but in the past if you\u2019ve found yourself telling new partners everything about your story in the first weeks of a relationship and come away feeling unsettled rather than empowered, that\u2019s a sign to slow down to build some guardrails.<\/p>\n \u201cIf you\u2019re noticing an urge to disclose or to share something, do a simple check-in of like, what am I hoping to get out of this?\u201d Twible said. \u201cThat doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s a wrong impulse. Maybe it\u2019s necessary, but create a little space for yourself to slow down to question, \u2018Is this urge part of a pattern for me, and is that a pattern I want to choose to continue right in this moment, or is it something I\u2019m actually wanting to experiment with doing differently?\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n Frame the story first. <\/strong>You don\u2019t have to give nitty-gritty details when sharing initially. A basic overview is fine. Something like, \u201cI had a rough upbringing and I\u2019m working through it. That\u2019s all I want to say right now. I might share more later.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n The next piece is your partner or friend\u2019s response.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s really important to offer just a little bit, and then see: Are there more questions asked?\u201d Twible said. \u201cDoes your body feel relaxed and present as you\u2019re receiving a response or as you\u2019re sharing? If you\u2019re not really here while you\u2019re sharing your story, then that ends up being another trauma reenactment too.\u201d<\/p>\n How people react to your sharing is critical to building trust both in the relationship and with yourself. There can be as many reactions as there are people. Remember their responses are about them<\/em>, not you<\/em>.<\/p>\n Ways partners might respond and how you can move forward:<\/p>\n Indifference, minimizing, or switching subjects <\/em><\/strong>\u2014 <\/em>Does your new partner have trouble paying attention while you\u2019re telling them your experience? Do they downplay the information or change the subject quickly? As I said, this is about their comfortability and emotional capacity, not so much about your disclosure. Based on your initial share, do you think they can be there for you if you tell them more later?<\/p>\n Listening, but then sharing their own experience immediately <\/em><\/strong>\u2014 <\/em>People can signal the desire to connect by divulging their own story in response. Do you feel seen by your partner sharing a common issue? Or is it displacing you and making it about them? Of course, this can be a matter of degrees. Check in with yourself and talk about it with others after to get a better read.<\/p>\n Listening, allowing you to finish, offering support <\/em><\/strong>\u2014 Ideally, you want to be heard. You can gauge the quality of listening by whether the person asks a few questions to clarify things for themselves, like what exactly might trigger you or what might be helpful to support you.<\/p>\n Since the questioner asked about metamours, I\u2019ll assume they\u2019re in a kitchen table polyamory (KTP) arrangement, where partners and partners of partners are in a close-knit polycule, socializing together regularly and maybe communicating easily about emotionally intimate topics.<\/p>\n It\u2019s probably not in your best interest to broach the topic over a polycule dinner. You run the risk of having your experience objectified and treated superficially, no matter how much folks care. Groups in social situations typically don\u2019t have the ability to go deep and hold space for people needing support.\u00a0<\/p>\n But if your polycule does have regular group check-ins devised to create support, sharing might work for you. You can follow the suggestion above about simply giving an overview of your situation to gauge responses.<\/p>\n Or you can chat individually with your metamours, deciding on a case-by-case basis. But first ask yourself about your motivation. Are you doing it to get support? Build intimacy and bonds? Or some other reason, like using your story to change dynamics if you\u2019ve felt undervalued in the relationships?\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cWhat are you hoping disclosure will offer you or will do to the metamour or your relationship with your partner?\u201d Twible said. \u201cMy other thought is, isn\u2019t this a hinge issue?\u201d (The hinge is the person at the center of a relationship \u2014 a V dynamic \u2014 who dates two or more partners not romantically involved with each other.) \u201cMeaning, is there something that\u2019s happening in the hinge, like in the way that your partner navigates holding these two that\u2019s feeling not quite right for you, and is it really actually another conversation or something that\u2019s needed with your partner, rather than your metamour?\u201d<\/p>\n If you\u2019re feeling an urgency to share, as mentioned above, don\u2019t pressure yourself. There can be a lot to sift through, and we can get support to do so. Trauma can live in deeper parts of ourselves, and we don\u2019t have to talk about it with people until we\u2019re ready to.<\/p>\n Karen just dropped a Wild & Sublime podcast review of <\/em>Sex Diaries, edited by Alyssa Shelasky, an anonymous collection of weekly diaries chronicling people\u2019s sex lives and focusing on nonmonogamy. <\/em>Listen here.\u00a0<\/em><\/a><\/p>\nHow Well Do You Know Your Trauma?\u00a0<\/strong><\/h3>\n
How to Build Emotional Intimacy After You\u2019ve Had Trauma<\/strong><\/h3>\n
How to Share About Trauma in New Relationships<\/strong><\/h3>\n
Share Your Trauma Story in Stages\u00a0<\/strong><\/h3>\n
How to Gauge a Partner\u2019s Reaction\u00a0<\/strong><\/h3>\n
Talking to Others About Your Trauma History<\/strong><\/h3>\n
Telling Metamours<\/strong><\/h3>\n