\n
It\u2019s been sometime since I\u2019ve struggled with anxiety but it seems to have wheezled its way back into me rather rudely and abruptly and it\u2019s about time it fucked off. As always writing things down really helps for me so if your here then welcome and sorry you have to hear this utter shit but needs must.<\/p>\n
So let\u2019s start on a positive, after many many years of the most horrendous anxiety I finally learnt to drive and passed my test! I really wish I could explain to you the mountain I had to climb to do that but we\u2019d be here all day and I\u2019m sure you\u2019ve all got better things to do! So let\u2019s just say I conquered one of my biggest fears and I WON!!!!<\/p>\n
Anyway with every positive comes a negative and Id spent all summer driving here and there I was really making the most of my new found freedom. Anyway ofcorse sooner or later my driving bubble was going to be popped and it well and truly fucking burst and made me spiral into one of the worst bouts of anxiety I\u2019ve ever had.<\/p>\n
One night in early December I had a really traumatic driving experience and as a fairly new driver it really shook me up to the point I had probably the worst panic attack I\u2019ve ever had which triggered the most horrendous patch of anxiety I think I\u2019ve ever ever had to. <\/p>\n
So when anxiety strikes it strikes me good and proper. I had a really shit few days after the bad driving experience I cried a lot then what followed over the next month or so really stopped me in my tracks. I really wish there was a rhyme or reason for the thoughts I\u2019ve experienced over the last month, i wish they made sence and I wish they\u2019d leave me alone. <\/p>\n
It always starts the same way, small worries, are the kids sick? Is something going to happen to me? And I should dam well know this is the beginning of end but I never see it till it\u2019s to late. Things escalated quickly and my old thoughts start popping back in my head like what if I die, what if the kids die, then before you know it I\u2019m calculating how many years I\u2019ve got left to live and how many years I\u2019ve got left with the kids, if I had another baby now how long would they get with me that sort of shite. Then before you know it things have snowballed so badly it\u2019s not \u201cwhat if\u201d I\u2019m going to die it\u2019s I\u2019m GOING to die and these thoughts plague my mind mostly late at night when I\u2019m lead in bed but during the day to when I\u2019m not busy. <\/p>\n
Christmas comes and goes and I\u2019m alright but not ok. Then the sudden realisation that soon I\u2019m going to visit a friend up north a 3 hour drive away and my brain totally loses its shit and I mean really loses its shit! So much so I\u2019ve worked myself up In such a state about driving up there I\u2019m contemplating writing letters to the kids incase something happens and I don\u2019t make it back, things get worse and I\u2019ve convinced myself I\u2019m going to die on the way. I\u2019m having ideas about writing on my arm in maker pen how much I love the kids so if I\u2019m found someone will beable to tell them. I\u2019m not sleeping for nights waking up in a full blown panic, I feel like I can\u2019t breathe and even started getting chest pains. The day before my big trip I decide I absolutely cannot drive and that\u2019s that. I feel so fucking shit and stupid and I know that thoughts I\u2019m having are so irrational but what can I do? So I take the easy way out and book a train. And instantly I feel the weight of the world has lifted off my shoulders the weeks of worry and bad thoughts just go so I made that trip up north feeling very stupid and very vubrable but I made it safely. <\/p>\n
Thankfully the bad thoughts and anxiety have calmed down, I\u2019m using technics such as a breathing app on my phone and just today I bought an anxiety bear that you cuddle and it \u201cbreathes\u201d and is supposed too calm you. <\/p>\n
I almost feel free now I\u2019ve written all this down. If you\u2019ve made it this far then thanks for reading my ramblings even though it probably doesn\u2019t make sence to any of you, if I\u2019m honest it doesn\u2019t even make sence to me either. <\/p>\n
Z <\/p>\n
Xxx<\/p>\n
<\/div>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It\u2019s been sometime since I\u2019ve struggled with anxiety but it seems to have wheezled its way back into me rather rudely and abruptly and it\u2019s about time it fucked off. As always writing things down really helps for me so if your here then welcome and sorry you have to hear this utter shit but […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":7031695,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[43],"tags":[2222,25325,3644],"dealstore":[],"offerexpiration":[],"class_list":["post-7031694","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-women","tag-anxiety","tag-strikes","tag-word"],"yoast_head":"\n
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