And you get it. Boom. You feel fantastic. Your brain does a little victory lap around the inside of your skull.<\/p>\n But the feeling doesn\u2019t last. The magic gradually fades away.<\/p>\n So what do you do then? \u201cWell, uh, I must have wanted the wrong thing! A different thing will do the trick. A better thing.\u201d<\/em> A different job, car, relationship, country. And once you get this thing, oh, this one\u2019s gonna do it. So the cycle begins again\u2026<\/p>\n You\u2019ve done this countless times. So have I. Doesn\u2019t work. What\u2019s the deal?<\/p>\n We like to think that if we get what we want, we\u2019ll be happy. I mean, it\u2019s obvious, right? That\u2019s why you want it.<\/em><\/p>\n Wrong. Because, often, you didn\u2019t pick the things you want. They\u2019re not your desires. You caught them just like you catch a cold, a yawn or your mom\u2019s tone of voice coming out of your mouth in a squabble you told yourself you\u2019d handle better.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s silly. I decide what I want. I have preferences.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n You independently decided to appreciate quarter-zip sweaters and Pilates in the same fiscal quarter that all your friends did? What an amazing coincidence. Alert the statistics department.<\/p>\n And this is the reason we need to have a little talk about Ren\u00e9 Girard. No, he didn\u2019t study psychology. He made his name in literature, the place where humans reveal themselves by pretending to be fictional.<\/p>\n He read Proust, Cervantes, Stendahl, Dostoevsky, all those dusty classics about European folks having feelings in carriages. And in those books, he saw the same wiring under the floorboards every time: people wanted the stuff everybody else wanted. They all copied each other relentlessly and were so very sure that what they wanted was totally original.<\/p>\n And eventually science realized the lit professor was on to something: yeah, your desires are often a group project.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t mean to sound judgy. Some stuff other people want is worth wanting. And some people are definitely worth mimicking. Thing is, if wanting is contagious, we might wanna be aware of what we\u2019re catching.<\/p>\n We spend a lot of time worrying we won\u2019t get what we desire. But that\u2019s not the worst outcome. The worst outcome is spending your whole life chasing (and maybe even getting) something you never really wanted in the first place.<\/p>\n Ren\u00e9 Girard is the author of \u201cDeceit, Desire, and the Novel<\/a>\u201d and \u201cThings Hidden Since the Foundation of the World.<\/a>\u201d We\u2019ll also get some help from Luke Burgis\u2019 \u201cWanting: The Power of Mimetic Desire in Everyday Life.<\/a>\u201d<\/p>\n Let\u2019s get to it\u2026<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Girard has this concept he calls The Romantic Lie. You experience it as saying, \u201cI\u2019ve always appreciated vintage ceramics.\u201d<\/em> (Oh c\u2019mon. You only started caring about them twenty-four seconds after seeing one in an Instagram reel.)<\/p>\n His other big idea was The Novelistic Truth. Simply put: our desires are usually borrowed.<\/p>\n Vintage ceramics may be great and totally worth wanting, but the excitement you feel? That came from somebody else. To be clear, this whole process usually happens unconsciously. Imitated desire doesn\u2019t show up like, \u201cHi, I\u2019ve been installed here by that popular co-worker.\u201d No, it makes you say, \u201cThis is who I am.\u201d<\/p>\n Why do we do this? Psychologist Leon Festinger<\/a> realized that humans don\u2019t have an objective way to know how they\u2019re doing. Nobody gets an Adulthood Report Card that says:<\/p>\n With no objective metric, we look to others to learn what defines success\u2026<\/p>\n And now you understand why happiness often seems so slippery.<\/p>\n We\u2019re social creatures. It\u2019s through other people that we learn to work, love, play and eat non-poisonous fruit. The problem is unconscious imitation<\/em>. When we unknowingly mimic others and lead ourselves astray. So what should we do?<\/p>\n Think about something you want. Ask: \u201cWho taught me this is worth wanting?\u201d<\/em> Don\u2019t ask, \u201cWhy do I want this?\u201d That turns on the rationalization machine in your brain. You\u2019ll tell yourself you want that beach body because of \u201chealth\u201d (and somehow health requires people being impressed when you come out of the pool).<\/p>\n Maybe a friend\u2019s marriage made you want a loving relationship. Maybe a professor at school made you want to study business. That\u2019s fine.<\/p>\n Now ask the second question. The uglier<\/em> question: \u201cWhose achievements irritate me?\u201d<\/em> Yeah, this one\u2019s not as fun. Because the people we envy have a bigger say in what we desire than we\u2019d like to admit.<\/p>\n (To learn ancient wisdom\u2019s 5 secrets to a good life, click here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n This is a powerful exercise, but Girard\u2019s rabbit hole goes much deeper\u2026<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n We think we\u2019re just hustling after things<\/em>, but Girard says, nope, we\u2019re usually chasing people<\/em>. (Not literally. Please don\u2019t chase people. There are laws.)<\/p>\n We don\u2019t actually want the career as much as we want to feel successful like the person we saw with it. Girard calls these people \u201cmodels.\u201d<\/p>\n And that\u2019s why we often feel let down when we get something we want. Getting the car gets you a car. It doesn\u2019t turn you into the person in the Super Bowl ad who seems to have solved all their problems by driving through the mountains at dawn. No item sold on Amazon has the ability to perform a life transplant.<\/p>\n So look at the thing you\u2019re lusting after and ask, \u201cWhat do I believe this thing will do for me?\u201d<\/em> If your response is \u201cmake me work more efficiently\u201d or \u201cmake me more comfortable,\u201d that\u2019s great.<\/p>\n The problem is if the answer is \u201cmake me somebody everybody respects\u201d or \u201cmake me feel okay about myself\u201d because then you\u2019re outside the realm of what consumer goods can deliver.<\/p>\n (To learn the 5 secrets to overcoming burnout, click here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n Many people think our problems are caused by imitating celebrities. Maybe sometimes, but they\u2019re not the people you really need to worry about\u2026<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Unconscious imitation gets really unhealthy when it turns into rivalry, and you\u2019re not going to experience rivalry with someone you only see on a screen.<\/p>\n So where do those pulsing envious desires come from? The answer is\u2026<\/p>\n Greg.<\/p>\n You have a Greg at the office. A Greg in the neighborhood. A Greg who was cool in college and keeps popping up on social media. Your peers. The person who makes your inner voice say, \u201cHold on a second\u2026 They\u2019re pretty much me! So why the heck do they have the glowing spouse and the chill disposition of somebody who actually knows where their passport is?\u201d<\/p>\n Rivalry pops up when it\u2019s someone close enough to you that the voice in your head says, \u201cThat would\u2019ve been you if you hadn\u2019t screwed everything up.\u201d<\/p>\n Researchers Boyce, Brown and Moore did a study<\/a> to figure out what makes people feel good about their lives. Wasn\u2019t money; it was rank. You can quadruple your income and still feel lousy if all your peers quintuple how much they make.<\/p>\n So ask yourself, \u201cWho is my scoreboard? How do I feel after I see them?\u201d<\/em> If you see their post announcing a promotion and it makes you want to work harder, great.<\/p>\n But if you start imagining French-revolution-style beheadings, get some distance. Mute their posts. And if you can\u2019t avoid them, emotionally demote them. Don\u2019t let them become Curator-General of Your Desires. They don\u2019t get to decide what your life means.<\/p>\n (To learn how to get unstuck, click here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n Obviously, you can\u2019t avoid everyone. But if you\u2019re up for it, there\u2019s a better way\u2026<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n The problem is that people we envy often become the models for who we want to be. Instead of merely wanting the stuff they have, we start wanting the things they want.<\/p>\n And this is where life can get incredibly stupid.<\/p>\n Girard referred to the phenomenon as \u201cmimetic doubles\u201d: the closer the rivals get, the more similar they become. You\u2019ve seen other people do this, locked in an arms race that\u2019s ridiculous to everyone but the two participants. And you don\u2019t want to go there.<\/p>\n You become possessed by someone you hate. Not possessed like in the horror movies with jerky movements and speaking in Latin. It\u2019s more of a suburban demon that just keeps whispering, \u201cWhy aren\u2019t you doing better than them?\u201d<\/p>\n Once you need someone to lose, they own you. They decide; you follow. And even if you win, the prize at the bottom of the cereal box is you turning into them. Never allow rivalry to transform you into a tribute act to someone you hate.<\/p>\n Look, I\u2019d love to just say, \u201cStop being envious.\u201d But that\u2019s advice for imaginary people who never look at social media while tired. Research<\/a> shows comparing ourselves to others is automatic and we have to consciously work to overcome it.<\/p>\n But there\u2019s a better solution: learn something from your envy. Envy sucks but it sure as heck isn\u2019t random. Envy points at stuff and says, \u201cThis matters a LOT to you.\u201d<\/p>\n But instead of getting hung up on how undeserving your rival is, ask the constructive question: \u201cWhat can I learn from this if I stop needing them to lose?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Your rival didn\u2019t steal your dream life. But if you keep letting them decide what matters, well, they won\u2019t need to.<\/p>\n Learn from them. Yes, I know they\u2019re a jerk. But something they\u2019re doing is important to you. So what are they doing well? And how can you develop that skill? Are they better at making friends? Better at completing things on time?<\/p>\n Learn the skill and drop the drama. Because if your success requires them to fail, you\u2019re still bound to them.<\/p>\n (To learn how to handle conflict like history\u2019s master strategist, click here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n You can go a long way toward freeing yourself from unconscious desire. But you\u2019re not going to stop wanting. So how do we do it better?<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Luke Burgis makes the distinction between thin desires and thick ones. Thin desires are status-soaked and unstable. They demand an audience. The new job title. The fancy jacket.<\/p>\n Thick desires go deeper. Being a good friend. Getting better at a hobby. Unfortunately, thick desires don\u2019t photograph quite as well as thin ones. You\u2019re not going to get 1000 likes on five years of gradually turning yourself into a kinder human being. But thick desires have value when nobody\u2019s watching.<\/p>\n Making status the most important thing in your life doesn\u2019t go well. Psychologist Tim Kasser<\/a> found that people who structure their lives around money and fame aren\u2019t as happy as people focused on relationships and personal growth.<\/p>\n Thin desires are \u201cpositional goods.\u201d They have value because of where they rank you relative to others. But that makes them inherently rivalrous. They lose value if other people get them.<\/p>\n I hate to bring math into this because math has harmed many of us personally, but it\u2019s relevant. Everybody cannot be number one. If someone is the richest or hottest, everyone else isn\u2019t. What\u2019s the chance you\u2019ll be (and stay) number one? And what will it cost you? So pursue thick desires. They\u2019re not zero-sum.<\/p>\n Now let\u2019s not turn this into purity theater. Most things aren\u2019t just thin or just thick. They\u2019re a mix and that\u2019s fine. The point is to be aware of the proportion. How much of what you\u2019re wanting is about living a life that you\u2019d enjoy independent of everything else? Annnnnd how much of it comes from that little voice asking, \u201cBut is everybody going to be impressed?\u201d<\/p>\n The litmus test is asking yourself, \u201cWould I still want it if nobody ever knew I got it?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n (To learn the counterintuitive way to get better at anything, click here<\/a>.)<\/p>\n You\u2019ve abandoned the rivalries and picked thick desires. One final step\u2026<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n We\u2019re still going to look to others to know what\u2019s important. The question is who you look to.<\/p>\n![\"how-to-live-a-good-life\"](\"https:\/\/bakadesuyo.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/get-what-you-really-want.jpg\" "\\"how-to-live-a-good-life\\"")
There\u2019s something you want. And you think to yourself, \u201cOnce I get it, everything\u2019s gonna change!\u201d<\/p>\nFigure Out Who\u2019s Picking Your Desires<\/h2>\n
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You\u2019re Actually Chasing A Person<\/h2>\n
Focus On Your Peers<\/h2>\n
Turn Envy Into Apprenticeship<\/h2>\n
Want Better<\/h2>\n
Pick Better Heroes<\/h2>\n