{"id":7027418,"date":"2026-08-04T21:06:09","date_gmt":"2026-08-04T21:06:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/peraltafinancing.com\/uncategorized\/what-your-wine-says-about-you-wine-humor\/"},"modified":"2026-08-04T21:06:09","modified_gmt":"2026-08-04T21:06:09","slug":"what-your-wine-says-about-you-wine-humor","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=7027418","title":{"rendered":"What Your Wine Says About You (Wine Humor)"},"content":{"rendered":"


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Backstory: My friend Jamie Hunter Ross tagged my social media with a (cute & outdated) poster called \u201cWhat Your Wine Says About You\u201d with a dozen wines, and jokes like: Cab(ernet) \u201cCab\u201d is the only wine type you can confidently\u00a0pronounce. \u00a0See below:\u00a0<\/i>
\"\"<\/a>\u00a0 \u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n

Well, that made me think, if someone made a modern version of this for the wine intelligentsia: \u00a0the Sommeliers, the wine writers, the wine collectors, and the wine snobs, if you will. <\/em><\/p>\n

Well\u2026 Voil\u00e0!\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

Here\u2019s JvB\u2019s \u2018<\/i>Wine Snob<\/b> version\u2019 of <\/i><\/h2>\n

What Your Wine Says About You:<\/i><\/strong><\/h2>\n

\u2028Pinot Grigio:<\/strong> it\u2019s the least offensive wine you\u2019ve ever tasted.<\/p>\n

California Oaked Chardonnay:<\/strong> Stop annoying your mother, dear. Now, go run & play!<\/p>\n

California Chardonnay with a couple of ice cubes:<\/strong> it\u2019s 100 degrees in the shade.<\/p>\n

Puligny-Montrachet:<\/strong> Evidently, you have too damn much money.<\/p>\n

Roman\u00e9e-Conti Grand Cru:<\/strong> You have so much damn money, you want to set it on fire.<\/p>\n

NV Champagne:<\/strong> You\u2019re bubbly and fun, dammit.<\/p>\n

Vintage Champagne:<\/strong> Watch me saber this and hurt someone.<\/p>\n

California \u2028Cabernet Sauvignon<\/strong>: Because big fruit bombs are your thing.<\/p>\n

Screaming Eagle:<\/strong> You made all your money in finance and want to urinate on someone\u2019s shoes.<\/p>\n

Merlot:<\/strong> You can actually pronounce it, but never saw the movie \u201cSideways\u201d.<\/p>\n

Pinot Noir:<\/strong> You are even more snobby than you think.<\/p>\n

5th Growth Bordeaux:<\/strong> You can speak French but have to work for a living.<\/p>\n

\u20281st Growth Bordeaux:<\/strong> You can speak French AND waste your children\u2019s inheritance.<\/p>\n

Riesling:<\/strong> You like fast cars, Oompah bands, veal schnitzel, and wine with a little petrol in it.<\/p>\n

Ros\u00e9:<\/strong> You\u2019re just here to day drink.<\/p>\n

Brut Ros\u00e9 Champagne:<\/strong> You just want to feel pretty and day drink, on someone else\u2019s dime.
Gew\u00fcrztraminer:<\/strong> You used to be fun and loud and now you\u2019re kind of dry and quiet.<\/p>\n

Moscato:<\/strong> You like cherry coke and cookies for breakfast.<\/p>\n

Chenin Blanc:<\/strong>\u00a0You like popular trends but are actually kind of bland.<\/p>\n

Semillon:<\/strong> You have family money but no sense of fashion.<\/p>\n

Sauternes: <\/strong>You like\u00a0foie gras, lobster with truffle butter, and\u00a0Kobe beef, in that order.\u00a0
Old Vine Zinfandel:<\/strong> You like aged steaks and aged vines, but younger partners.<\/p>\n

Sangiovese:<\/strong> You like fast cars and fast women, but don\u2019t drive so well.<\/p>\n

Barolo:<\/strong> You drive a Mercedes Benz AGT GT63 Coup with a gorgeous partner in a perfectly tailored suit who can shift you into 9th gear with their eyes from the passenger seat.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Brunello:<\/strong> You\u2019re an old soul, served with a side of pasta.<\/p>\n

Dolcetto:<\/strong> You are old school, all the way.<\/p>\n

Primotivo:<\/strong> You live in the fast lane and don\u2019t mind a few broken bones\u2026 yours or theirs.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Prosecco:<\/strong> You just wanted to have a good time and now you\u2019re crying.<\/p>\n

Cava:<\/strong> You, apathetic: \u201cLet them eat cake, the infidels.\u201d<\/p>\n

French Sauvignon Blanc:<\/strong> You love your citrus bright & refreshing, with a little bit of cat pee.<\/p>\n

Australian Sauvignon Blanc:<\/strong> You prefer grass to cat pee, with shrimp on the barbie, mate.<\/p>\n

New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc:<\/strong> You do the M\u0101ori Haka (War Dance) with your pinky finger extended.<\/p>\n

Pinotage:<\/strong> You like to eat what you hunt and kill.<\/p>\n

Kekfrancos:<\/strong> You like your music loud, your meat bloody, and your partners a little dumb.<\/p>\n

Cabernet Franc:<\/strong> You\u2019re a nonconformist and won\u2019t be told what to do, dammit!<\/p>\n

Vin Jaune:<\/strong> You like old things that taste of sherry and oxidation, like your grandparents.<\/p>\n

Cru Beaujolais:<\/strong> You like things that are fresh, bright, and not too expensive.<\/p>\n

\u2028Beaujolais Nouveau:<\/strong> You want to get drunk cheaply & appear classier than you are.<\/p>\n

\u2028Blue Wine:<\/strong> You go to raves and pretend you\u2019re an alien.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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Pinot Bianco:<\/strong> You: \u201cHey, C\u2019mere, beautiful!\u201d<\/p>\n

Pinot Nero:<\/strong> You: \u201cGet outta here you, whassamatta you?\u201d<\/p>\n

Nebbiolo:<\/strong> You have the looks of Isabella Rossellini, can cook like Lidia Bastianich, but you\u2019re always broke.<\/p>\n

Montepulciano:<\/strong> You cook like Mario Batali, but you look like him, too.<\/p>\n

Chianti:<\/strong> You like pasta bolognese, The Godfather, and a pencil-thin mustache.<\/p>\n

Chianto Classico:<\/strong> You are a landlord, a loan broker, and a politician, at the same time.<\/p>\n

Lambrusco:<\/strong> Your drunk uncle mixed up the grapes for prosecco AGAIN!<\/p>\n

Rioja Blanca:<\/strong> You enjoy being a homemaker, but please, Get OUT of my kitchen!<\/p>\n

Rioja Crianza:<\/strong> You walk quietly but carry a big stick.<\/p>\n

Rioja Reserva:<\/strong>\u00a0You have a lovely spouse, children, and home, with a lovely Middle-Aged Crisis.<\/p>\n

Rioja Gran Reserva:<\/strong> You own a condo on Ibiza and a small but nice boat.
Tempranillo:<\/strong> You vacation in Cancun to rest, but return sunburned with Montezuma\u2019s revenge.<\/p>\n

Garnacha:<\/strong> You feel like a Ferrari but people look at you like you\u2019re a Fiat.<\/p>\n

Gr\u00fcner Veltliner:<\/strong> You like skiing in the alps, and yodeling after sex.<\/p>\n

Syrah:<\/strong> You still fantasize about the foreign exchange student you never bedded.<\/p>\n

Petite Sirah:<\/strong> You slept with your ex\u2019s younger sibling for revenge<\/p>\n

Shiraz:<\/strong> You like going on safari, sport fishing, and the red light district.<\/p>\n

Malbec:<\/strong> You want more than a mouthful, but sometimes dribble down your shirt.<\/p>\n

White Zinfandel:<\/strong> You don\u2019t like wine, and you don\u2019t intend to change your mind, or pretend to drink it, either.\n<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

I hope you got some good laughs from this!<\/p>\n

Please feel free to share, leave a comment and tell me your favorite below!<\/p>\n

\u00e0 votre sant\u00e9!<\/strong><\/h2>\n

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