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Raising kids can be hard.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n We\u2019re all just trying our best to keep our little ones healthy and reasonably happy. And while raising kind, independent, resilient kids is an undeniably worthy goal, the intentionally that requires can feel like\u2026 a lot.<\/em><\/p>\n And it\u2019s not just that we\u2019re overscheduled and overtired and overwhelmed, either.<\/em><\/p>\n It\u2019s this: The complexities of parenting are often compounded by the patterns set by our parents. And by their parents. And their parents. For better and worse, parenting is often a generational endeavor.<\/em><\/p>\n For some of us, that\u2019s great news. We have the opportunity to pass on a line of excellent parenting skills and strategies that will serve our kids and their families for generations. For others\u2013most of us\u2013there are things we\u2019d rather not pass on to our littles.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n The good news is that we have the power to break negative generational cycles in our own families. Let\u2019s talk about how.\u00a0<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n Our families of origin\u2013the families that we grew up with\u2013impact us a lot throughout our lives. Especially in childhood. As our brains are developing we look to our families, most often our caregivers, to provide guidance on healthy behaviors, boundaries, and relationships.\u00a0<\/p>\n Sometimes we get what we need to become adaptive adults, rolling with life\u2019s punches in healthy ways. Other times, the example set for us leads us down a path of dysfunction in some way. For instance:\u00a0<\/p>\n When Jenny cried as a kid, her parents sent her to her room. As an adult, she has a hard time sharing her emotions with other people.<\/p>\n Ania grew up in a very loud household, where communication was almost exclusively done by yelling, screaming, blaming, and shaming.<\/a> She can\u2019t seem to keep her cool, even in the most seemingly benign situations.<\/p>\n Janelle experienced abuse and neglect as a child. As a parent, she\u2019s raising her kids in a safe and supportive home. But sometimes she just doesn\u2019t know what to do because she never had a stellar example growing up.<\/p>\n Some of these parenting cycles can be so negative and pervasive they\u2019re considered intergenerational trauma.<\/a> These things can be even harder and more complex to address in our daily lives.<\/p>\n Needless to say, it\u2019s important to break these unhealthy generational cycles for our own kids. That\u2019s because a healthy and nurturing home environment is one of the biggest predictors of healthy, nurturing adults!\u00a0<\/a><\/p>\n When we think about negative generational parenting cycles, we often get stuck on what we\u2019re doing wrong. Then the cycle of shame and guilt begins.\u00a0<\/p>\n So, as you explore this process, please hear this: You\u2019re doing the best you can with what you have right now. The cycles you\u2019ve adapted from your parents don\u2019t make you a bad parent or person. They make you human.\u00a0<\/p>\n And, every day is a new chance to challenge these cycles. You\u2019re doing great. (Promise.)<\/p>\n This is hard work.<\/em> Perhaps the hardest work you\u2019ll do in your entire life. Breaking habits and patterns\u2013especially those ingrained in childhood\u2013is a life-long process. Be patient with yourself. Focus on progress, not perfection. You can do this!<\/em><\/p>\n The first step in breaking generational parenting cycles is to notice and name what they are! To start, try listing your core values as a parent. There are lots of value clarification exercises online to help this process.\u00a0<\/p>\n Then, make a list of all the parenting habits or cycles you have that do and don\u2019t align with those values. This will help you identify what cycles you\u2019d like to keep and what you can work on letting go of.\u00a0 While we\u2019d love for our relatives to welcome our choice to change these cycles with congratulations and open arms, that\u2019s not always the case. And while it\u2019s often still possible to maintain these relationships as you address unhealthy parenting cycles, you may need to be extra-attentive to your boundaries<\/a> to maintain your and your family\u2019s mental and physical safety.<\/p>\n External support might look like going to therapy. As we address our parents\u2019 \u201cfailings,\u201d we often go through a grieving process. We might begin to mourn the losses of a less-than-ideal childhood. This is a natural process that often benefits from the support of a trained professional.\u00a0<\/p>\n Therapy can also promote self-awareness, self-compassion, and self-forgiveness. And by attending to yourself in this way, you\u2019re modeling excellent self-care for your kiddos! (Which may be a generational cycle you\u2019re trying to promote! It\u2019s a win-win!) If your circumstances allow it, send your kid off to daycare or preschool. Experts say that sending a kid to preschool can help buffer the consequences of a high-stress environment. It can also give you some time away to catch your breath.<\/p>\n Most generational parenting cycles revolve around discipline. And while there\u2019s no singular \u201cright way\u201d to parent, there are certainly practices that are more harmful than others. (If you\u2019re reading this, it\u2019s likely you experienced an out-of-proportion punishment or two.)<\/p>\n When appropriate discipline isn\u2019t modeled for us, we may have a low tolerance for high-stress moments. Things like temper tantrums can be overwhelming and triggering. Then, we discipline hard because that\u2019s the only thing we were exposed to as kids.<\/p>\n So take a tough look at your discipline practices. Are they really what you\u2019d like them to be? Or are they just what you\u2019ve always known? Have a chat with your partner and review these things together. No shame or judgment; just self-reflection!<\/p>\n It\u2019s never too late. Kids are resilient. Their brains change and adapt easily. Especially when we effectively repair<\/a>. Keep in mind that every tough moment is a new opportunity to chip away at a generational parenting cycle.<\/p>\n Remember, this process is tough (to say the least). If you find yourself burning out, you\u2019re not alone. And there\u2019s help available!What are Generational Parenting Cycles?<\/h2>\n
A Quick Pep Talk<\/h2>\n
7 Ways to Break Unhealthy Parenting Cycles<\/h2>\n
#1 Honor the process.<\/em><\/strong><\/h3>\n
#2 Try a value-based approach.<\/em><\/strong><\/h3>\n
This process could take several weeks. Slowly developing awareness over time is a necessary, admittedly frustrating, part of the process. When things feel hard, keep going. You\u2019re moving in the right direction.<\/p>\n#3 Set excellent boundaries.<\/em><\/strong><\/h3>\n
#4 Seek external support.<\/em><\/strong><\/h3>\n
External support might also look like taking a parenting class or two. Sometimes, we need a total reset. Or, we may not have gotten the information in the first place. (Motherhood doesn\u2019t always come naturally,<\/a> you know.) Taking parenting classes to unlearn how you were raised and discover the ways you want to take care of your kids can help to close some of these generational cycles.<\/p>\n#5 Get some kid-free time.<\/em><\/strong><\/h3>\n
#6 Explore your discipline practices.<\/em><\/strong><\/h3>\n
#7 Always try again.<\/em><\/strong><\/h3>\n
You\u2019ve got this!<\/h2>\n
Check out my course Overcoming Parental Burnout<\/a>, an online resource to help you go from exhausted to supported.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n