After my divorce from the father of my now 18-year old daughter, I hoped to find a relationship with someone who was willing to go the distance with me. I\u2019d met people who claimed to be up for personal or spiritual growth, but when the rubber met the road and we entered the real birth canal of transformation, they\u2019d bail. And I\u2019d understand. I really would. Because facing both your glory and your shadow in the mirror of another person is no joke.<\/span><\/p>\n When you allow yourself to be truly seen and known at the deepest levels of intimacy, it can feel terrifying, especially for those for whom intimacy is both our greatest longing and our biggest fear.<\/span><\/p>\n Every person I tried to get involved with had their singular road block, the one traumatized area they just weren\u2019t going to touch. And because those areas wound up impacting me, I\u2019d inevitably get too intrusive, trying to bust down walls without adequate consent, which never goes well and really isn\u2019t fair. I\u2019d feel so lonely, bumping up against those walls, but until my current partnership, there was only cursory interest in going to therapy alongside me, to work through those walls- together.<\/span><\/p>\n My current partner has a superpower. Since his fiance in college died in a car crash and he went to therapy to process his grief, he\u2019s been a relentless seeker, more devoted to the truth than to avoidance of pain. That seeking led him to attend Princeton seminary and then medical school, landing him at Cambridge Hospital as the chief psychiatry resident under the pioneering leadership of Judy Herman, the author of <\/span>Trauma & Recovery.<\/span><\/a> He got led astray by some New Age wanderings under the guidance of some questionable gurus but found his way back to the field of traumatology and his own healing path.<\/span><\/p>\n When we first met at a trauma conference we were both keynoting 5 \u00bd years ago, our first vulnerable conversation laid the foundation for the commitment to healing through relationship we now have. We started couples therapy before we ever became lovers, so we\u2019ve had good support from some of the best relationship experts on the planet. But it has not been a cakewalk.<\/span><\/p>\n Our commitment has been, first and foremost, that we are allies in each other\u2019s healing- without any agenda other than that. Our commitment is to healing through relationship, caring for each other\u2019s wellbeing without throwing our own parts under the bus, rewiring neural pathways and breaking old patterns, whether the romantic partnership works out or not. Because of my partner\u2019s severe trauma history (with an ACE score of 8 and nearly every developmental trauma one can have), the dance of intimacy has been painful.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I liken it to climbing Mt. Everest. For the first two years of our relationship, I felt like I was standing in Kathmandu, looking up at the great mountain, marveling at how tall it is, but also very aware of how risky and hard it would be to try to climb it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I\u2019d be saying, \u201cWe\u2019re gonna need gear. We\u2019ll need a sherpa. We\u2019re gonna have to start training. We might not make it. We could die.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n My partner was minimizing the climb. \u201cWhat a cute little hill! That\u2019ll be fun to run up and take pictures!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n We\u2019d make it a few hundred feet up the mountain, and then I felt like my partner kept pushing me down the hill. Three steps forward, two steps back. It took us the first three years to even make it to base camp on the mountain of genuine intimacy.\u00a0 Our commitment has been tested- through trust breaches and sloppy boundaries and testing each other in ways that have been hurtful to us both. I can have a sailor\u2019s mouth when my consent is overridden and the words \u201cMother Fucker\u201d have been used by me a few too many times.<\/span><\/p>\n But paradoxically, it\u2019s also been incredibly rewarding. For the first time, I finally have a partner who initially resists hurdles, but doesn\u2019t stop climbing. Every time we hit one of those hurdles, I have a part that\u2019s afraid he\u2019ll do what the others have done- quit.<\/span><\/p>\n And then he surprises me and sometimes even carries me a few yards up the mountain, when I\u2019m too weary to keep climbing myself.<\/span><\/p>\n Things have gotten easier lately. He says it\u2019s because he\u2019s finally starting to trust me, after 5 \u00bd years of knowing me and seeing how I treat him- and others. The paranoia that casts me as the villain any time I try to get close to him seems to be easing off, replaced with something sweet and young and tender-hearted. I used to be able to set my watch by the rapidity with which my partner would throw a decoy to trip me up within 24 hours of something really good happening.<\/span><\/p>\n But lately, it\u2019s not exactly smooth sailing, but we seem to be capable of really enjoying each other for extended periods of time, without me getting falsely accused of all kinds of nefarious motives.<\/span><\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/lissarankin.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/12\/Pursuing-a-Healing-Relationship.jpg\")
<\/a><\/p>\n