Maybe those things you did, while you were in that unfulfilling relationship with someone you weren\u2019t in love with who controlled and manipulated you with guilt, weren\u2019t mistakes after all. Maybe you have little or nothing to feel guilty about. Even though you are constantly reminded of it; how much you hurt someone and what a terrible person you are because of what you did; maybe it was a divine intervention trying to shake you loose from a destructive cycle that\u2019s wasting your life away. Maybe it was a Universally orchestrated symphony of change, creating higher vibrational connections, love interests, or just interruptions in the cycle; to get your attention, help you see beyond the cycle, and break free from it. Maybe. Just maybe?<\/p>\n
Maybe those deeply rooted feelings of guilt you have that grew out of the constant criticism, judgment, or other forms of verbal\/emotional abuse in your childhood from a parent are what set you up for feeling this way about yourself and being drawn to someone just like them. Maybe you were attracted to someone like this because it\u2019s so familiar, because you don\u2019t think you deserve anything better, and\/or because you are subconsciously trying to\u00a0ameliorate your feelings of guilt and shame<\/a>\u00a0from childhood by finding someone similar to the abusive parent and creating a different, more positive outcome (which almost never works, simply because the current person is like the parent and treats you the same way \u2014 which reinforces rather than ameliorates the problem). Maybe you couldn\u2019t break free from the cycle, and your partner was working hard to keep you in it, and the Universe threw in a heart-shaped wrench to jar you loose. Maybe. Just maybe?<\/p>\n \u201cThe truth is \u2014 genuine connection is ease. It is peace. When you find it, you will know. You will feel seen, you will feel like you are being mirrored back to yourself, like you are discovering the shadow of your own heart in another human being.<\/p>\n Slowly, through loving the right people, you will come to realize that the human beings who are meant for you in this world will not exhaust you, or hollow you out, or leave you feeling like you are hard to love. Slowly, you will come to realize that you do not have to romanticize the things in this life that hurt. You do not have to run towards the fire. Love does not have to feel like a fight, does not have to feel like battle, does not have to wound.<\/p>\n Slowly, you will learn how to lay down your arms. How to walk away from those who will only ever love you in halves. Slowly, you will learn that you cannot love someone into loving you, or being ready, if they are not. You cannot love someone into their potential. You cannot close their hands around your heart if they are not willing to hold it themselves. You have to let them go. You have to focus on the people in your life who bring you back home to yourself. You have to focus on standing up for that kind of connection, on honoring that calm, because it exists. It exists.<\/p>\n And I hope you learn to trust that, because when you come across it, when you ultimately experience it, it feels as if you are standing at a door you finally have the keys for. You enter it with ease. There is no fumbling through your jacket pocket trying to find the right way in. There is no desperately reaching into your bag trying to uncover the point of access. You are no longer banging your fists against the door, asking to be invited in. You walk through. Soundlessly. Softly. Relief washes over you. You take off your shoes. You hang your coat in the closet. You put on a pot of coffee. You\u2019re home. You\u2019re home.\u201d<\/p>\n Words: Bianca Sparacino\u00a0<\/p>\n In \u201cYou\u2019re Not Responsible for Other People\u2019s Happiness<\/a>,\u201d Dr. Danielle Dowling writes \u201cLove\u2014you cannot be responsible for another person\u2019s happiness.\u00a0<\/strong>In the most obvious sense, it\u2019s just not possible.\u00a0Isn\u2019t that what I\u2019m supposed to do?<\/em>\u00a0you might ask.\u00a0These are the people I love! The best way I know how to love them back is to support them; to help them find their happiness.\u00a0<\/em>Well, sure. Of course!<\/p>\n But there\u2019s a difference between loving and supporting someone, and trying to\u00a0fix<\/em>\u00a0their problems for them and\u00a0make<\/em>\u00a0them happy.\u00a0<\/a> Marisa Mohi, in \u201cYou\u2019re Not Responsible for Their Happiness<\/a>,\u201d\u00a0says \u201cYou\u2019re not responsible for other peoples\u2019 happiness, you can\u2019t fix how other people feel, and there is no universe where you\u2019re responsible for doing that.\u201d She goes on to say that if we think this way, then there was probably a time in our life when we were made to believe we could make others happy if we tried hard enough. But we can\u2019t, it\u2019s impossible, and it\u2019s not our job. \u201cIf it ain\u2019t yours, don\u2019t carry it,\u201d she says.\u00a0<\/p>\n In \u201cYou\u2019re Not Responsible for Other People\u2019s Feelings<\/a>,\u201d Lauren Sapala shares \u201cYou are responsible for your stuff and everyone else is responsible for theirs.\u201d\u00a0She discusses how people pleasing and codependency are red flags waving at our sensibilities to help us see that we\u2019re trying to own what we have no responsibility for or control over.\u201d<\/p>\n According to experts<\/a>, some of the signs of a codependent relationship are:<\/p>\n Tanya Peterson, in How to Stop Taking Responsibility for Others\u2019 Happiness<\/a>,\u201d writes \u201cPeople who are highly sensitive, caring individuals naturally want the people in their lives to be happy, to experience wellbeing. Caring for others is a\u00a0character strength<\/a>. However, it can easily morph into something unhealthy, where rather than wanting to contribute to others\u2019 happiness and wellbeing, we find ourselves being\u00a0people-pleasers<\/a>\u00a0in order to make them happy. Feeling as though we have sole responsibility for others\u2019 happiness causes anxiety.\u201d She says the following is one possible method for reducing or eliminating this anxiety:<\/p>\n Guilt from our childhood or intimate partner relationships greatly increases our chances of feeling responsible for the happiness of others \u2014 especially those closest to us \u2014 and it also increases the likelihood that others will try to control and manipulate us with guilt. They will easily see how guilt-driven we are because of things we\u2019ve done, how much we don\u2019t want to let them down, how we take responsibility for things they did (which gets them off the hook), and how we feel responsible for their happiness. We are not. We are responsible for our own happiness, they are responsible for theirs, and that\u2019s all there is to it.\u00a0<\/p>\n When we\u2019re preoccupied with guilt, and the anxiety it produces, we\u2019re often less aware of what others are doing because we\u2019re so consumed by what we\u2019re trying to do to please them, placate them, or prove ourselves to them. Partners, kids, friends, and coworkers will usually notice this and often take advantage of this vulnerability for their own personal gain. Obviously this is not in our best interest, but it\u2019s not in theirs either.\u00a0<\/p>\n We may miss this altogether, often perceiving their controlling, manipulative, or entitled requests, demands, and\/or criticisms as legitimate because we\u2019re so consumed by guilt, filled with anxiety, and focused on trying to please them that we can\u2019t see the obvious truth of what they\u2019re doing. Or maybe we see it sometimes, but quickly re-characterize it as fair, cute, reasonable, normal for a kid, our fault because of what we did to our partner five years ago, etc. We might do this because of what others tell us or because it\u2019s easier than facing it within ourselves or confronting it with them. I\u2019ve worked with people who have literally been living in extreme anxiety, worry, and fear for decades, driven by their guilt from what some considered mistakes that were continuously amplified by the put-them-in-their-place reminders, when everything they felt guilty about was either completely normal, was just a choice they made that somebody didn\u2019t like, or didn\u2019t happen at all the way it was being represented. They were being manipulated and controlled by narcissistic, psychopathically deviant others who were benefitting from their vulnerability. Most of them were women. They believed it because of their guilt. They couldn\u2019t see the truth because it was hidden behind the clouds (of guilt and denial). Most had constructed elaborate denial systems to make everything seem the way they wanted it to be, which, of course, strengthened the guilt and made it less likely that they would see what was on the other side. Many had social groups who knew nothing of the truth, believed the relationships\/families were healthy or even idyllic; and many had a group of closer friends who were all living the same delusions and collaboratively reinforcing the denial systems. For such people, truth and change are the threats; and most seek the familiar homeostatic balance at the cost of their lives (the balance that maintains everything as per usual without rocking the boat or group delusional system).\u00a0<\/p>\n Some may choose to remain in the destructive cycle, saying \u201cI must need to go through this pain as part of my spiritual journey.\u201d I don\u2019t believe such situations are spiritually necessary for our growth and development. I believe they represent needless suffering. You have already hurt enough. We have all already hurt enough. It is time to purge these clouds of illusion, let the tears fall, and let the light shine through. It is time to speak out, stand up, and begin moving forward. I do not believe it is a valid spiritual perspective to continue making excuses by saying that I must need to go through this, or it wouldn\u2019t be happening. It shouldn\u2019t be happening. It wouldn\u2019t be happening if you stopped it. If someone has already experienced suffering, then it is ameliorative to help them find meaning in the suffering. But if the suffering has not yet occurred, or if continued suffering can be prevented; then we should prevent it.\u00a0<\/p>\n Let\u2019s work together to help prevent needless suffering for those within our worlds! Don\u2019t be afraid to tell someone the truth of what you see, that they deserve so much more, and that you will help them. If they run, avoid, or resist; then you\u2019ve planted the seed that could eventually grow into the vine that sets them free. Or your words of hope, when combined with those of others, might one day shine so brightly that they can be seen, like a guiding star, through the clouds of guilt; or melt the clouds into a watershedding day.\u00a0<\/p>\n When guilt-driven people with kids who are in unfulfilling or abusive relationships cycle back around again to growing clarity, empowerment, and a desire to break free; they are often guilted, by their own mind, partner, extended family, and\/or friends into staying in the relationship for the benefit of the children. The myth is that it is always better for the kids when both parents stay together.<\/p>\n![\"\ud83d\udcf8\"](\"https:\/\/fonts.gstatic.com\/s\/e\/notoemoji\/14.0\/1f4f8\/32.png\"\/)
\u00a0Frida Castelli<\/p>\n<\/figure>\n
You\u2019re Not Responsible for Their Happiness\u00a0<\/h2>\n
One you can (and should!) do. The other you simply cannot.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n\n
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Seeing Beyond Your Guilt To Their Manipulation and Control<\/h2>\n
Should We Stay Together For The Kids?<\/h2>\n