{"id":5027,"date":"2025-01-08T21:49:33","date_gmt":"2025-01-08T21:49:33","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/peraltafinancing.com\/entertainment\/books\/unusual-results-by-steve-way\/"},"modified":"2025-01-08T21:49:33","modified_gmt":"2025-01-08T21:49:33","slug":"unusual-results-by-steve-way","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=5027","title":{"rendered":"Unusual Results by Steve Way"},"content":{"rendered":"


\n<\/p>\n

\n

\u00a0Happy New Year Everyone! I wish you a successful and creative
\n2025!<\/span><\/p>\n

As my Blog Day and The New Year approached, far too quickly
\nfor me to think of anything sensible to say as usual, I wondered if I could produce any words of wisdom to impart to
\nspark off the new year and inspire you to even greater artistic achievements.<\/span><\/p>\n

Realising I couldn’t\u2026 I thought instead I\u2019d share one of my
\nstories with you instead.<\/span><\/p>\n

As I\u2019d been born abroad and because my parents weren\u2019t
\ninterested in football, I was ignorant of the \u2018beautiful game\u2019 until I was ten
\nyears old. When I finally came across it, I was entranced. One feature that embraced
\nthe world of football that I loved was the reading of the results on
\nthe telly at around 4.45 on a Saturday. I found the rhythm of the reporter\u2019s
\nvoice comforting in that it was soothingly predictable and yet slightly different each
\nweek, like a narrative poem that was never quite the same. What absorbed me
\nmost were some of the intriguing names of the teams. To a ten-year-old, they
\ndidn\u2019t sound like the logical names of football teams. \u2018Wolverhampton Wanderers\u2019.
\nSurely the last thing you want to do in a football match is just wander about? \u2018Sheffield
\nWednesday\u2019. Why Wednesday? Why not Tuesday or Thursday, or more logically
\nSaturday? I couldn\u2019t understand why Ham should need a geographical appellation,
\nor cooked meat be involved in the first place. It wasn\u2019t until I was an adult
\nthat I learned that the district of East Ham existed to counterbalance West
\nHam. (Though do they have a football team?)<\/span><\/p>\n

The Scottish team names were the most elaborate and gloriously
\ninexplicable though. \u2018Heart of Midlothian\u2019, \u2018Queen of the South\u2019. The former
\nsounds like the title of a traditional ballad, the latter the title of a
\nromantic historical novel. Is a \u2018Partick thistle\u2019 a particular variety of a
\nplant?<\/span><\/p>\n

Anyhow, it was this love of the football results that inspired
\nthis story. I hope you like it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Unusual
\nResults. By Steve Way<\/span><\/u><\/p>\n

The poor queen’s nerves were strained to the limit so much of
\nthe time that some of her courtiers thought they might spring apart with a loud
\ntwang like an overtightened violin string, certainly she was beginning to look
\nmuch older than her young age.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>The delicate
\ngifts Queen Petunia and her husband King Popple received from other kings and
\nqueens were all placed on top of the mantelpiece over the fire in the throne
\nroom. There was only one problem. The mantelpiece was very old and frail. The
\nslightest knock could make it shake in an unpredictable way and one of the valuable
\nornaments they had received from other kingdoms would fall off. Even a loud
\nnoise, like a door banging in the distance, could get the mantelpiece shaking
\nand items falling.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>Unfortunately,
\nbecause the king had eaten some magic jelly the wizard had made, which was
\nsupposed to make him sing better but hadn\u2019t, he was now suffering the
\nunfortunate side effects. The king had become too distracted to order the repair
\nof the mantelpiece or to realise that if one of their pieces of china broke it
\nwould bring some disaster upon the kingdom. This was because all the gifts were
\nimbued with magic and if they were broken the magic would be released in very
\nunpredictable ways. Instead, because of the effect of the unfortunate jelly,
\nthe king just sat on his throne all day making up football results or reading
\nthem out once the Royal Newspaper arrived on Saturday evening.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>You might think
\nthat the queen could quite easily order the mantelpiece to be repaired. She
\ndid. But unfortunately, the king and queen ruled a kingdom where the king and<\/i>
\nthe queen had to give the orders in duplicate. Normally that was a very
\nsensible arrangement because it was less likely that either of them could issue
\na daft order because the other one would disagree with them. Now though it was
\na problem because every time the queen commanded the chamberlain, “I order
\nthe royal carpenters to repair that mantelpiece!” The king would say
\nsomething like, “Swindon Town 5 Manchester United 1,\u201d which although very
\nsensible in its own way was no use to anybody now.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>Every now and
\nthen the queen would try giving the order again, in the desperate hope that the
\nking might say something sensible this time, but it never worked. He just responded
\nwith another football result. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>Once when the
\ncook had accidentally knocked over all the saucepans in the kitchen, which made
\nsuch a racket it shook the whole castle, the queen had had to do a dive halfway
\nacross the throne room, like a goalkeeper, to catch a pottery figure before it
\nsmashed on the floor.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“Well done,
\nyour majesty!” cheered the chamberlain.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“That was
\nclose!” replied the queen, not catching her breath.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“Preston
\nTown 4 Leeds United 0,” said the king.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“When will
\nthe side-effects of this blasted jelly of yours wear off?” the queen asked
\nthe wizard.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“III-don’t-know-your-maaajesty!”
\nthe wizard sang in reply.\u00a0 <\/span>For some
\ncurious reason the jelly, which he\u2019d eaten at the same time as the king, had
\nmade him<\/i> able to sing beautifully.
\nBut now he could only sing and not speak. “III’mmm-wo-working-onnn-it! N-N-No-lu-luck-yeet.”
\n<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“I can’t
\norder the china to be put safely elsewhere because poor Popple wouldn\u2019t order
\nthat as well and I can’t order a reward to be offered to cure the king because
\nhe’d even have to agree to that<\/i> order
\ntoo.” wailed the queen. “I don’t think I could stand it if another
\nthing breaks.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>So far only two
\nvery small and relatively insignificant gifts had fallen off and broken. One
\nhad been a tiny thimble from the rulers of a very tiny kingdom who couldn’t
\nafford anything bigger. It had fallen off when a gust of wind had blown in when
\nthe chamberlain had opened the window to let some fresh air into the tense atmosphere
\nof the throne room. As soon as it smashed, the magic the thimble released
\nturned everyone\u2019s ears purple and a kind of purply wax dripped out of them
\nslowly all day, every day, from then on.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0<\/span>The other gift had been tiny pottery
\nhedgehog which had been a part of a set of hedgehogs that got increasingly
\nbigger, which had been presents from the rulers of the third kingdom on the
\nleft past the nearest mountain, who happened to be hedgehogs. The pottery
\npresent had fallen off when one of the pages who had a cold sneezed. It was
\nsuch a violent sneeze that it had set the mantelpiece rocking and the largest
\nhedgehog had moved and bumped into the next hedgehog and moved it and so on
\ndown the line of neighbouring hedgehog figurines. As soon as the tiny
\nhedgehog’s broken spikes shot off into a hundred different directions, all the
\nchildren under the age of five in the kingdom started thinking they were cows
\nand spent all day mooing and standing about in fields eating plants until their
\nfifth birthday.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“If those
\ntwo tiny ornaments contained enough magic to cause that much damage,\u201d moaned
\nthe queen as she wiped her ears for the twentieth time that morning. “Goodness
\nknows what would happen if one of the larger ornaments got smashed.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>Just then the
\nchamberlain had an idea! <\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“It’s a long
\nshot,\u201d said the queen, after he\u2019d explained it to her. “But it just might work\u2026”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>The queen and the
\nchamberlain made up some imaginary football results as though they were in a
\nnewspaper, hoping that the king would read them out. Luckily, he read out their
\nfictitious results, as if he were reading from Saturday\u2019s newspaper, as well as
\ncontinuing to make up his own results. <\/span><\/p>\n

To begin with they\u2019d used the
\nnames of authentic football teams but gradually they\u2019d introduced a few daft
\nwords into the list, to see if he\u2019d notice, which might mean that their plan
\nwould work.<\/span><\/p>\n

They were relieved and hopeful
\nwhen at one point the king read out these results,<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“Southampton<\/placename> Town<\/placetype><\/place> 3 Sausage Roll 1,<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>Tranmere Rovers 2
\nDirty Socks 6<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>Toilet Roll 4
\nBristol City 1.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>As the king clearly
\nhadn\u2019t noticed the daft words, in the next list they passed him they wrote this
\n\u201cresult\u201d in between the others,<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“Cure King 1
\nReward Given 1.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“I also
\norder a reward to be given for the king to be cured!”\u00a0 <\/span>declared the queen as soon as the king had
\nread out that \u201cresult\u201d and so at last the pages were able to dash off around
\nthe kingdom offering a reward for the curing the king.\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Next the queen and the
\nchamberlain wrote,<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“New Mantelpiece
\n4 The Fireplace 1.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“I also
\norder a new mantelpiece to be made for the fireplace!” commanded the queen
\nas soon as the king had read out this new \u201cresult\u201d and so finally the royal
\ncarpenters were able to start making a new mantelpiece in the royal
\nworkshops.\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Following that success, the queen
\nand the chamberlain wrote,<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“Move China<\/country-region><\/place>\nto Safe Place 2 Protect it from Damage 0″<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“I also
\norder the china to be moved to a safe place while the new mantelpiece is being
\nmade!” ordered the queen. At last, the maids could carefully take the
\nchina gifts off the rickety old mantelpiece and put them in a glass cupboard,
\nsafely out of harm\u2019s way until the new mantelpiece had been completed.<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

~~~<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Two weeks later everything seemed a lot brighter, not only
\nbecause it was now a glorious summer. The queen looked a lot more relaxed and
\nstanding on a gorgeously carved and constructed mantelpiece stood the china
\ngifts, all looking perfectly safe.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“Thank
\ngoodness for that,\u201d said the queen. “Things are so much better now.”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“That’s
\nright your majesty; you look so much better…” replied the chamberlain.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“Carlisle
\nUnited 1 Bolton Wanderers 1,\u201d said the king.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“We do still
\nhave one or two problems though…” the chamberlain pointed out.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“Yes, you’re
\nright,” agreed the queen wiping the purple wax from her ears for the
\nthirtieth time that morning. “Not one person has come forward to even try<\/i> to cure the king and even that won’t
\nsolve the problem of these blasted purple ears… and are the poor children
\nstill mooing?”<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“I’m afraid
\nthey are, your majesty,\u201d replied the chamberlain.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>The chamberlain
\nand the queen couldn’t help looking at the wizard. The poor man had attempted
\nto invent two potions to rid the citizens of the kingdom of their productive
\npurple ears and to cure the children of their mooing. As you would expect, as a
\nsafety precaution this round, he\u2019d initially tried the ear potion out on
\nhimself and the anti-mooing potion out on his four-year-old son. The wizard now
\nhad two enormous ears that looked exactly like dartboards and his son was now
\ntotally convinced that he was a piano and kept telling everyone that he needed
\ntuning.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“Any new
\nideas, wizard?” asked the queen.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>The wizard just
\nstood silently where he was, lost in his own inventive thoughts.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“He can’t
\nhear with those ears, your majesty,\u201d explained the chamberlain.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>The queen wrote
\n“Any new ideas?” on a piece of paper instead, which she passed to the
\nwizard.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“I-I-I-mi-mi-ght-be-onn-t-t-to-somee-thinggg\u201d
\nwrote the wizard. He even had to write as though he was singing.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“Hmmm,\u201d
\nhmmed the queen and the chamberlain. Neither of them very sure whether it was a
\ngood thing if the wizard thought he was onto something or not.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“Aston Villa
\n3 Nottingham Forest 2,\u201d said the king. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>Just then the
\nchamberlain had another brilliant idea. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>Once again, the queen
\nwas guardedly optimistic about the chamberlain\u2019s plan and she and the
\nchamberlain began making up what looked like the sports pages of the newspaper.
\nNot only did the pretend pages include tables of football results, which the
\nkind read eagerly, they also created reports about other sports as well as
\nfootball, such as cricket and tennis, to make their work look more authentic.
\nTheir reports had headlines like, “Wonderful Wilberforce gets ready for
\nWimbledon\u201d and “Amazing Abdul picked for England in the Test”. The
\nking didn’t read the reports – he only read out the football results of course
\n– but it seemed to the queen and the chamberlain as if he scanned the
\nheadlines. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>When they thought
\nhe was ready they handed him another pretend sports page which had just one
\nenormous headline. It boldly declared “FOOTBALL SEASON OVER!”<\/span><\/p>\n

The king gazed at the headline
\nfor a few moments, then looked over to the queen and said, “Thank goodness
\nthat’s finished.” <\/span><\/p>\n

After that he was completely
\nnormal again and couldn’t believe he’d just spent over a month just making up
\nor reading out football scores. In fact, for years afterwards he would still ask
\nmembers of the court if he’d really done so. He thought it was some kind of
\nelaborate joke that everyone had played on him and that one day he’d get
\nsomeone to admit it, which of course he never did.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“Well
\ndone!”\u00a0 <\/span>said the queen to the
\nchamberlain.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>“Yes… well
\ndone… apparently…\u201d said the king to the chamberlain, following on from his
\nwife\u2019s cue, particularly after she\u2019s pointed jabbed him pointedly in the ribs
\nwith her elbow. “Ugh! What’s all this…” continued the king as he
\nwiped some thick purple wax from his ear. While he’d been ill, or confused, or
\nwhatever he was, one of the courtiers had regularly wiped his ears with a cloth
\nfor him.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>The queen and the
\nchamberlain explained the two problems that still faced the people in the
\nkingdom. Just as they’d finished explaining the problems… you’ve guessed
\nit… the chamberlain had yet another<\/i>
\nbrilliant idea. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>It turned out
\nthat the chamberlain\u2019s idea was a way of turning the disadvantages the people
\nof the kingdom were suffering into advantages until the wizard finally invented
\na potion that removed them. The chamberlain suggested that everyone wear
\nspecial earrings shaped like tiny buckets, which collected the purple wax as it
\ndribbled out of peoples\u2019 ears during the day. The wax was then collected to
\nmake candles to light everyone\u2019s houses at night and so the kingdom saved a
\nfortune in electricity. <\/span><\/p>\n

As all the children under five
\nyears old were standing about in fields mooing all day, the chamberlain pointed
\nout that it was impossible for them to get lost, something under-fives are
\nusually really good<\/i> at doing, particularly when in large crowds or shops
\nand especially at the worst and most worrying moments. Also, as they all
\nthought they were cows it was no problem getting the children to eat their
\ngreens, something many children are notoriously resistant to doing, despite all
\nthe incredible benefits. When the children were finally five and stopped
\nthinking they were cows, at least they were safe and very healthy, even though
\nthey couldn’t read.\u00a0 <\/span>Interestingly, it
\nturned out because they’d eaten so healthily in their first five years the
\nchildren learned to read really quickly plus all the children claimed they’d
\nhad great fun being cows all day, outside in the fresh air.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>Eventually the
\nwizard did find an antidote to the purple wax-producing ears and the
\ncow-children and finally he got his normal ears back and his son stopped
\nthinking he was a piano, though he refused to play one ever after.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span>THE END.\u00a0\u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00a0Happy New Year Everyone! I wish you a successful and creative 2025! As my Blog Day and The New Year approached, far too quickly for me to think of anything sensible to say as usual, I wondered if I could produce any words of wisdom to impart to spark off the new year and inspire […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[101],"tags":[4955,4956,4954],"dealstore":[],"offerexpiration":[],"class_list":["post-5027","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-books","tag-results","tag-steve","tag-unusual"],"yoast_head":"\nUnusual Results by Steve Way - Som2ny Network<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=5027\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Unusual Results by Steve Way - Som2ny Network\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"\u00a0Happy New Year Everyone! I wish you a successful and creative 2025! 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