How to handle common money fights before they ruin your relationship<\/h2>\n
by Nicole Dieker<\/a><\/p>\n October 28, 2023\u00a0\u00a0|\u00a0\u00a0 Money<\/a> <\/span><\/p>\n If you and your partner fight about money, you\u2019re not alone. And if most of your money squabbles are about financial management issues<\/a> like how much to spend and how much to save, you\u2019re right in line with the majority of married couples.<\/p>\n That said, there\u2019s no reason to let money fights ruin your relationship. Each of the five most common money issues couples face has an easy and practical solution, and addressing these problems while they\u2019re small can help you prevent them from getting so large that they overwhelm your partnership.<\/p>\n That\u2019s why we asked two financial relationship experts to help us solve some of the biggest arguments about money facing couples today \u2014 and we hope their advice will help you as well.<\/p>\n<\/section>\n If you and your partner don\u2019t share the same financial goals<\/a>, you\u2019re likely to have a few money-related arguments, which means you\u2019re also more likely to have the same argument over and over again.<\/p>\n \u201cOne partner may wish to save for a comfortable retirement,\u201d says Amy Colton, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA\u00ae) and family law mediator who founded Your Divorce Made Simple<\/a>, \u201cwhile the other might prioritize immediate expenses or lifestyle upgrades, leading to disagreement.\u201d<\/p>\n Even when two people share a financial goal \u2014 such as building generational wealth<\/a> \u2014 they may disagree on how to achieve it.<\/p>\n \u201cOne partner might want the illusion of wealth, the luxury car or purse, or the fancy vacations plastered on social networking,\u201d says Michele Paiva, a licensed therapist specializing in financial therapy who offers advice and solutions at The Finance Therapist<\/a>. \u201cThe other might enjoy a quieter wealth, where they are saving for the future, a home, or retirement. These goals will almost always clash.\u201d<\/p>\n Colton and Paiva agree that couples can solve these issues by communicating honestly about their financial goals\u00a0 and their financial values.<\/p>\n \u201cExplore goals with a heart-to-heart conversation or series of talks,\u201d Paiva says. \u201cRevisit this at least annually or every six months. Values and goals can evolve and change; always make sure you are growing together, not apart, and your assets are growing in the right direction. Make sure these conversations end in compromise, not a win-lose mindset.\u201d<\/p>\n If you\u2019re having trouble finding a solution that works for both of you, it might be time to get the professionals involved. \u201cCouples can work with a financial advisor<\/a> to create a mutually agreed-upon plan that balances both partners\u2019 goals and priorities,\u201d says Colton.<\/p>\n<\/section>\n You might also like<\/p>\n Life insurance is a financial safety net for your partner, your kids, your life…<\/p>\n Read more<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n Even if you and your partner are on the same page with your financial goals, you may disagree on how to manage \u2014 and pay off \u2014 your outstanding debt.<\/p>\n \u201cWe all know that debt causes stress,\u201d Paiva says. \u201cBut did you know that most debt causes ongoing crises that can result in chronic trauma or health challenges<\/a>?\u201d<\/p>\n Since debt can affect your mental health as well as your financial health, it\u2019s important to resolve the metaconflicts around debt accumulation and debt repayment as quickly as possible.<\/p>\n \u201cDebt isn\u2019t just about paying off old bills,\u201d Paiva explains. \u201cThe resentment of lost money and feeling stressed with your partner can fester and surface in many ways\u2014and releasing this negativity can increase financial intimacy and strengthen the bonds of the relationship.\u201d<\/p>\n Colton agrees\u2014and suggests that couples work together to solve their debt problem, even if the majority of the debt was brought into the relationship by a single person. \u201cOpenly discuss each person\u2019s debts and develop a systematic debt repayment plan<\/a>,\u201d she says. \u201cBe supportive and understand that the debt affects both partners equally. Avoid blame, and focus on the solution.\u201d<\/p>\n If one partner earns significantly more than the other, they may assume that they have more say over how their shared money is spent. Or they may prefer to keep their money for themselves, allowing themselves privileges and discretionary purchases that are not available to the other person in the relationship.<\/p>\n Both of these so-called solutions are likely to lead to conflict.<\/p>\n \u201cA significant income disparity between partners can lead to power imbalances or feelings of inadequacy or dependency,\u201d says Colton. \u201cEnsure that both partners have an equal say in financial decisions regardless of income disparity.\u201d<\/p>\n If you and your spouse prefer to keep your finances separate<\/a>, the best practice is to contribute proportionally to a shared account. \u201cConsider joint accounts for household expenses while maintaining separate accounts for personal spending,\u201d Colton advises.<\/p>\n That said, you shouldn\u2019t find yourself in a situation where one half of your partnership can buy whatever they want and the other half has to count every penny. If only one of you can afford recreational purchases \u2014 or if only one of you can cover personal expenses like haircuts and new clothing \u2014 you may need to re-think the amount of money each of you is contributing to the shared account.<\/p>\n Spouses should feel like they\u2019re able to live the same lifestyle, after all. And they should also feel like they have the freedom to make the occasional impulse buy<\/a> without consulting the other.<\/p>\n<\/section>\n You might also like<\/p>\n You budget online. You invest online. Why not apply for your life insurance online?<\/p>\n Read more<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n Partners who share a bank account may quickly discover that they have very different spending habits. \u201cExcessive spending or extreme frugality can both cause friction,\u201d Colton explains.<\/p>\n Paiva agrees. \u201cEach partner has to look at their spending as a cognitive bias.\u201d Saving is not necessarily more correct than splurging, especially if the frugal partner wants to prevent the household from enjoying experiences like vacations<\/a> or celebrations<\/a>. That said, spending money to excess can cause problems with monthly bills, and spending too much today can make it harder to meet the goals of tomorrow.<\/p>\n That\u2019s why Colton and Paiva suggest building a household budget<\/a> that allows both partners to set aside money for essential spending, discretionary spending and long-term savings goals. \u201cEstablish a budget that allocates funds for both savings and discretionary spending,\u201d Colton advises. \u201cAllow each partner some financial autonomy within the agreed-upon budget to prevent feelings of restriction or control.\u201d<\/p>\n Once you and your partner understand where you want your money to go, you\u2019re more likely to take the steps you need to get there. \u201cThe budget is a boundary, not a punishment,\u201d says Paiva. It\u2019s also a great way to stop disagreements about overspending or underspending.<\/p>\n The last major financial issue to affect married couples is financial infidelity<\/a>. When one partner deliberately ignores the household budget, takes on extra debt or makes secret purchases that only benefit themselves, the other partner can easily feel betrayed \u2014 and angry.<\/p>\n \u201cKeeping financial secrets, like hidden debts or purchases, can lead to a breakdown in trust,\u201d says Colton.<\/p>\n This breakdown becomes even more complicated when the hidden spending is related to a larger issue like addiction or gambling. \u201cSome types of financial infidelity require help from a mental health professional<\/a>,\u201d Paiva says. \u201cPeople may spend because they feel ashamed, or because they are working through trauma.\u201d<\/p>\n Partners may also resort to financial infidelity when they feel overly controlled in the household. \u201cSecret spending is often related to quiet resentment,\u201d Paiva explains. If you and your partner are dealing with this kind of relationship issue, solving your problem may require sustained honest conversation\u2014from a place of love, not a place of blame\u2014and a willingness to change.<\/p>\n \u201cThe key to resolving financial disputes lies in open communication, empathy, and compromise,\u201d Colton told us. \u201cRegularly review finances together and honestly disclose all financial information. Consider using financial apps<\/a> that allow both partners to easily monitor accounts and expenses.\u201d<\/p>\n The more you and your partner work together, the less likely you are to grow apart \u2014 and the better you\u2019ll get at solving common money problems and sharing a stronger financial future.<\/p>\n<\/section>\n Haven Life is a customer-centric life insurance agency that\u2019s backed and wholly owned by Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance Company (MassMutual). We believe navigating decisions about life insurance, your personal finances and overall wellness can be refreshingly simple.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Haven Life is a customer centric life insurance agency that\u2019s backed and wholly owned by Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance Company (MassMutual). We believe navigating decisions about life insurance, your personal finances and overall wellness can be refreshingly simple.<\/p>\n Our content is created for educational purposes only. Haven Life does not endorse the companies, products, services or strategies discussed here, but we hope they can make your life a little less hard if they are a fit for your situation.<\/p>\n Haven Life is not authorized to give tax, legal or investment advice. This material is not intended to provide, and should not be relied on for tax, legal, or investment advice. Individuals are encouraged to seed advice from their own tax or legal counsel.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n ![\"Interracial](\"https:\/\/blog.havenlife.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/10\/common-money-squabbles-for-couples.png.webp)
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Financial goals<\/h2>\n
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\n<\/picture>\n<\/a><\/div>\nDebt management<\/h2>\n
Earning discrepancies<\/h2>\n
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\n<\/picture>\n<\/a><\/div>\nSpending habits<\/h2>\n
Financial infidelity<\/h2>\n
Our editorial policy<\/h3>\n
Our editorial policy<\/h3>\n