\n<\/p>\n
Note: this post was originally published in March, 2021. When I got the police involved, they asked me to remove it, as his defence could argue this had prejudiced the jury. I am re-publishing it now the case is over, in case it helps someone else.<\/em><\/p>\n He is naked and on top of me, and I am saying, no, you\u2019re not wearing a condom, you need to stop.<\/em><\/p>\n He doesn\u2019t stop.<\/p>\n I keep asking him to stop.<\/p>\n He whispers in my ear: It\u2019s ok, I won\u2019t come inside of you.<\/em><\/p>\n As if my only concern right now is getting pregnant.<\/p>\n I lay there thinking, is this rape? Am I being raped?<\/em><\/p>\n I don\u2019t struggle. I don\u2019t shout. I am terrified if I do this, he will do something that makes it unequivocally rape.<\/p>\n This is not \u201crape\u201d as it is depicted in mainstream media. It started out as consensual. We were having fun. It\u2019s the kind of rape where many people \u2013 many women \u2013 <\/em>would say it wasn\u2019t rape. They might say it was my own fault for being alone in the house with this man \u2013 even though he has been my boyfriend for a few months now.\u00a0<\/p>\n It\u2019s questionable whether your average person on the street \u2013 perhaps even my friends \u2013 would even call this sexual assault. After all, I was naked and in bed with him. He wasn\u2019t violent. Perhaps if I had struggled or shouted he would have stopped and apologised. Perhaps that makes it my own fault. Perhaps I am creating drama where there is none.<\/p>\n Eventually, he stops\u2026 long enough to put on a condom before starting again. By this point I am very much not<\/em> in the mood \u2013 and it hurts. I tell him it is hurting; he doesn\u2019t stop.\u00a0<\/p>\n At first I think, if I don\u2019t move he will realise I\u2019m not enjoying it, and he will stop. He doesn\u2019t stop.<\/p>\n Then I think, if I pretend I\u2019m really enjoying it, that will excite him and he will come, and then he will stop. He doesn\u2019t stop.<\/p>\n Eventually, at a loss, I fake an orgasm.\u00a0<\/p>\n Several minutes later, he stops.\u00a0<\/p>\n I feel sore and bruised, mentally as well as physically. I get up to take a shower, and despite the water being stone cold, I scrub my entire body twice. I don\u2019t want any trace of this experience left on me.<\/p>\n Later, fully clothed and pretending everything is normal (apart from my slight trembling, which I cannot stop and he puts down to my not having eaten much today). He hugs me and I think perhaps I should tell him: When I say stop, you need to stop.<\/em> I don\u2019t. Chicken.\u00a0<\/p>\n We have a nice chat. He kisses me goodbye, promising to call me.\u00a0<\/p>\n That night, I feel cold and shaky and exhausted \u2013 but I do not sleep. I lay in bed Googling things like \u201cwas I raped\u201d and \u201chow to get over being raped.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n The next day, he calls me 3 times but I cannot bear to answer; I don\u2019t know what to say. I don\u2019t want to talk to anyone. I avoid chatting to friends and sit around, staring into space a lot. I replay the scenario in my head, thinking of what I could or should have done differently. I think about what I should say to him. For hours at a time, all I can think is: I was raped. That was rape. Perhaps I should talk to someone. Perhaps I should tell someone. Perhaps I am wrong and it wasn\u2019t rape. I need someone to decide for me whether it was or it wasn\u2019t.<\/em><\/p>\n The problem, you see, is that this was not the first time it had happened.<\/p>\n So if this one was rape, the other times were rape too, right?<\/p>\n Every single time I have gone to bed with this man, he put his penis inside of me without protection. The difference this time was that I was not in a position where I could physically move myself away. Before, I had clearly said no, removed myself, repeated myself where necessary. This time, I was stuck until he decided I could move.<\/p>\n Eventually, with the support of a friend \u2013 the one person I can bear to tell about this \u2013 I text him to say I can\u2019t see him any more. He asks what is wrong and I tell him: What happened yesterday was not cool\u2026 I asked you to stop several times.<\/em> His response is that if I don\u2019t want to see him any more that\u2019s ok and he wishes me well. This infuriates me and I ask, Is that all you have to say? What you did yesterday is considered to be rape. You assaulted me.<\/em> He says sorry. It seems insincere.\u00a0<\/p>\n Until this point, I had convinced myself that he was not aware of how this had played out from my point of view. Surely if I told him how I felt \u2013 if I used the R<\/em> word \u2013 he would be mortified at his actions. He would fall at my feet, begging my forgiveness. The fact that he does not do this is perhaps worse than the act itself. He doesn\u2019t care how I feel, or what he did. While I am left here, tying myself up in knots about how a man who said he loved me could disregard my boundaries and feelings in this way, he gets to drop it and walk away, no harm done.<\/p>\n Of course, there is no point in reporting something like this to the police. It\u2019s my word against his; there is no evidence. And I\u2019m not interested in punishing him. Plus: to this day I have only ever told that one friend. I remain convinced that upon reading this, many friends and acquaintances will either say it wasn\u2019t rape\/assault, or say it was my own stupid fault.<\/p>\n Then again, whenever the subject of rape and sexual assault is raised, I find that every single woman who is part of the conversation has her own story to tell. Some are more horrifying to listen to than others; some are more recent than others \u2013 but every woman has a story of a man (or men) who ploughed down her boundaries in the pursuit of his own pleasure and enjoyment.\u00a0<\/p>\n Perhaps the answer then is for women to share their stories. Not with the aim of \u201couting\u201d men who have harmed them, but in the hope of showing others that they are not alone. According to Rape Crisis<\/a>, 1 in 5 women have experienced some form of sexual assault since the age of 16 \u2013 but that figure includes only the women who have talked about it. I often think that either I talk to a lot of very unfortunate people, or the real figure is in fact a lot higher. Only 15% of people who experience sexual violence report it to the police \u2013 and conviction rates are frankly laughable. My own local constabulary had a 0.5% conviction rate in the most recently reported 6-month period.<\/p>\n There is often this idea we have about rape and sexual assault, that it happens in dark alleys after midnight, to drunk women wearing too-short skirts; perhaps is perpetrated by a scary, hooded stranger carrying a knife. The fact is that 90%\u00a0 of those who are raped know their attacker. It\u2019s their boyfriend; their friend; their colleague at the staff party.\u00a0 And the next day, they often have to get up and walk back into that same room, that same situation where they were violated and pretend they are ok.\u00a0Pretend it didn\u2019t happen. <\/p>\n We put aside our feelings, bury our shame and our anger because perhaps we were a bit too drunk, or our skirt was a bit too short. Perhaps we led them on. Perhaps we should have known better than to be alone in a room with that person. Perhaps they didn\u2019t hear us saying no, asking them to stop. Perhaps they didn\u2019t realise what they were doing, the damage they were causing. But what if they did, and they just don\u2019t care?<\/p>\n If you have been affected by rape\/sexual assault, please speak to someone. Rape Crisis<\/a> is a good place to start<\/em>, or this NHS site<\/a> has some information too.<\/em><\/p>\nAccording to Rape Crisis<\/a>, rape is \u201cpenetration with a penis of the vagina, anus or mouth of another person without their consent.\u201d<\/h3>\n