\n
Dear Democrats in Maine:<\/p>\n
Look, we can\u2019t sugar coat things. You guys have a problem right now, and I want to help you fix it. With Graham Planter out of the Senate race now, y\u2019all need to find someone on the double quick to take his spot challenging Susan Collins.<\/p>\n
Allow me to throw my name into the ring for consideration.<\/p>\n
Now I do have some drawbacks for the spot. For one, I don\u2019t live in Maine. Second, the one thing I really care about in Maine are lobster rolls. I do love me some lobster rolls.<\/p>\nHowever, I do have several qualifications that make me a very good pick for your next Senator.<\/p>\n
For one, I don\u2019t have any Nazi-related tattoos. Do I have tattoos? Yes I do. None of them are Nazi imagery or even Nazi-adjacent, however. Not a single one are in the range of anything German or World War 2 related, so you\u2019re good on there.<\/p>\n
Second, I have never sexted a woman in my life. I believe in privacy and keeping pictures of my dick off the internet. So I just don\u2019t engage in that sort of behavior. It\u2019s not befitting someone who\u2019s working to become a public servant, you know?<\/p>\n
For that matter I\u2019ve never once been accused of sexual assault by any woman I\u2019ve slept with. I know that\u2019s gotta count for something, right? Every sexual encounter I\u2019ve ever had has been completely consensual. And they\u2019ve all been with one woman at a time, too\u2014I have no history of threesomes or drunken orgies.<\/p>\n
You could almost say I\u2019m boring! And there\u2019s nothing wrong with that!<\/p>\n
Also I\u2019m happily married with two kids. I work in the private sector, so I know what it\u2019s like to run a business.<\/p>\n
Now I know you guys want someone to say all the right things, so here goes: Black lives matter, trans rights are human rights, free Palestine, and Donald Trump sucks donkey dicks for Putin. There. That covered everything, right? If not send me ten thousand bucks in an envelope and include what position I\u2019m supposed to hold today. You\u2019ll find out I learn fast!<\/p>\n
Yes, it might sting that I\u2019m a Tennessee boy who really doesn\u2019t give a shit about Maine\u2019s politics. And I think Susan Collins is pretty milquetoast as far as Republicans go\u2014she votes with Democrats a hell of a lot more than most folks think she should.<\/p>\n
But let\u2019s be realistic: Beggars can\u2019t be choosers, and right now beating Susan Collins is more important than finding someone who ticks all the right ideological boxes.<\/p>\n
And I\u2019ve never sexually assaulted anyone, I don\u2019t have a Kick account, and I\u2019ve never entertained the thought of getting a Nazi tattoo.<\/p>\n
So here\u2019s my proposal: You guys give me ten million bucks and all the lobster rolls I can eat. I will do the absolute bare minimum and repeat all the talking points you guys give me. I\u2019ll vote how you want and I\u2019ll even tell Donald Trump and Susan Collins to go fuck themselves on command.<\/p>\n
I know that\u2019s not what you really want, but at least I\u2019m not Mr. Nazi McRapeypants, you know?<\/p>\n
Think it over.<\/p>\n
Your Pal,
\u2014CLS<\/p>\n
\n
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Dear Democrats in Maine: Look, we can\u2019t sugar coat things. You guys have a problem right now, and I want to help you fix it. With Graham Planter out of the Senate race now, y\u2019all need to find someone on the double quick to take his spot challenging Susan Collins. Allow me to throw my […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":354832,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[13394,2607,34878,38234],"dealstore":[],"offerexpiration":[],"class_list":["post-357756","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","tag-democrats","tag-letter","tag-maine","tag-seaton"],"yoast_head":"\n
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