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Many people\u2014especially those who identify as neurodivergent or highly cognitive\u2014live beautifully in their heads. Thinking, analyzing, and problem-solving are no doubt great strengths. They help us adapt, succeed, and make sense of a complex world.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n And yet, many people come to me in my capacity as an <\/span>AEDP psychotherapist<\/span><\/u><\/a>\u2014an experiential therapy specializing in emotions and attachment\u2014saying: “I don\u2019t feel much” or, \u201cI know I should feel something\u2026 but I don\u2019t.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n This is what we often call <\/span><\/span>numbness<\/span><\/span><\/strong>. Sometimes numbness overlaps with a difficulty in identifying and describing emotions, called <\/span><\/span>alexithymia<\/span><\/span><\/strong>.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n But I want to start by reframing this completely.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n <\/p>\n Numbness is not a failure. It\u2019s a brilliant adaptation.\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n <\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n The Change Triangle<\/span><\/u><\/span><\/a> is a map of our emotional state. This tool is crucial for so many reasons, mostly because it helps us identify our emotions and use them to feel better when we are distressed. On the Change Triangle, numbness typically lives on the <\/span><\/span>defense<\/span><\/span><\/strong>\u00a0corner. A defense is defined as anything that protects us from emotional pain or discomfort. <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n When core emotions (like sadness, anger, fear, joy) feel too overwhelming, the nervous system protects us by dampening sensation. So, instead of feeling too much, we feel very little.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n Underneath numbness, we often find:<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n Inhibitory emotions<\/span><\/span><\/strong>: anxiety, shame, guilt<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n And beneath those, we find our <\/span><\/span>core emotions<\/span><\/span><\/strong>\u00a0waiting patiently to be felt. The core emotions are anger, sadness, fear, disgust, joy, and excitement. <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/div>\n Numbness is what happens when the system says:\u00a0<\/span><\/span>\u201cThis is too much. Let\u2019s shut it down\u2014for now.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n For many neurodivergent individuals, thinking isn\u2019t just a preference\u2014it\u2019s a <\/span><\/span>regulation strategy<\/span><\/span><\/strong>.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n When emotions feel confusing, intense, or inaccessible, the mind steps in:<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n to organize<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n to predict<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n to create distance<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/div>\n Thinking becomes a <\/span><\/span>safe home base<\/span><\/span><\/em>.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n The problem isn\u2019t thinking.\u00a0I personally love thinking and I enjoy most of my thoughts. The problem is when staying in our head, thinking, is the <\/span><\/span>only<\/span><\/span><\/strong>\u00a0place we can go. It’s when we feel jammed in our heads, disconnected from our emotions, that we need the Change Triangle tool for emotional health.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n You cannot think your way into feeling. But\u2014you <\/span><\/span>can<\/span><\/span><\/em>\u00a0think your way <\/span><\/span>toward<\/span><\/span><\/strong>\u00a0feeling with a <\/span><\/span>basic education in emotions<\/span><\/u><\/span><\/a> and how they work in the mind and body. I wanted nothing to do with my emotions until I actually learned about the science of emotions. And because that was life-changing for me and my mental health, I started sharing it with anyone who was interested. That’s how I came to write books about emotions. <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n Once you get some knowledge about emotions, you can continue with some gentle exercises like below. <\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n 1. Start with the body\u2014not emotions<\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n If you feel nothing emotionally, don\u2019t ask, <\/span><\/span>\u201cWhat do I feel?\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/em>\u00a0Instead ask: <\/span><\/span>\u201cWhat do I notice in my body?\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n Even numbness has a physical signature:<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n heaviness<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n blankness<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n fog<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n pressure<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n absence<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/div>\n The goal is not to change it\u2014just to <\/span><\/span>\n\n\n\n\nThe Change Triangle and Numbness<\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n<\/p>\n
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\nWhy Thinking Takes Over<\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n<\/p>\n
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\n\nA Compassionate Truth<\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n<\/p>\n
\n\nGentle Practices to Work with Numbness<\/span><\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/h3>\n<\/p>\n
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