\n\t\tWednesday, September 10, 2025
– by Dave Jaffe<\/p>\n
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Hiking as exercise combines all the benefits of walking with the potential for sudden violent lonely death.<\/p>\n
For those with a love of the outdoors\u2014sometimes referred to as \u201cNature\u201d\u2014hiking can fill one with a sense of awe and freedom. For non hikers, it\u2019s more a sense of floating aimlessly in space, tragically untethered to the mothership, oxygen reserves depleted.<\/p>\n
So, hiking? Not a fan. I\u2019m put off by all exercise that demands that I invest in \u201cgear\u201d. These include biking, weight lifting, kayaking, canoeing, skiing, and most strenuous activities ending in \u201cing\u201d that don\u2019t conclude with \u201cbarbeque.\u201d Oh, and all sports.<\/p>\n
But especially hiking.<\/p>\n
According to the website of the recreational equipment, member-owned co-op R.E.I., (text abbreviation for \u201cBe Right Back!\u201d<\/em>) a proper hike requires carrying 10 essentials items of gear and clothing all hikers need on the trail. These include \u201citems for navigation, sun protection, insulation, illumination, first aid, fire, repairs, nutrition, hydration and emergency shelter.\u201d<\/p>\n All of these are needed because even the most accomplished hiker can find themselves floating aimlessly in space, tragically untethered to the mothership, oxygen reserves depleted.<\/p>\n Look, I warned you! Stick with walking the neighborhood which only requires a dog and poop bags.<\/p>\n Of utmost importance for hiking, as with all sweat-related activities, is to purchase a top-quality athletic shoe. For convenience, these usually are sold in pairs. The experienced hiker will consider numerous factors when choosing shoes: terrain, weather conditions, breathability, water resistance, rattlesnake strikes, werewolf attacks, and affordability. Basically, hiking shoes come in two varieties: those you cannot afford and ones you regret buying.<\/p>\n But the most intriguing and off-putting hiking gear are trekking poles, also referred to as hiking poles, walking poles, trekking staffs, and . . . well, you know, just \u201csticks\u201d. Resembling ski poles and often constructed of lightweight materials, trekking poles provide walkers greater stability, load support, and reduced fatigue. My nephew Zack, an avid all-terrain hiker, advises that poles help share the workload with your arms and core, while Larry, another hiker and my best friend since childhood, admits that he uses poles for his bad knees and, at least once, to kill a werewolf. He remains out on bond while authorities continue to investigate that claim.<\/p>\n I had no intention of hiking ever, and often checked my bucket list to make sure no prankster had added it. So, while on a vacation to North Carolina, I was taken off guard when my wife suggested a hike in the Blue Ridge Mountains.<\/p>\n Denise always has been a serious walker known for wearing out our dogs who flop down after a \u201cstroll\u201d whimpering, \u201cJeez! Enough already!\u201d Had I suspected that someday she might convert to hiking, I would have married her overweight, lazy coworker. (Not you, Cora! You\u2019re lovely inside and out!)<\/p>\n Married near 50 years, Denise knows exactly how to play, then reel me in.<\/p>\n DENISE: \u201cWe never get to the mountains. And it\u2019s an easy hike. We\u2019re only a half mile from the trailhead.\u201d<\/p>\n DAVE: \u201cWhat the Hell\u2019s a trailhead? It sounds sharp, maybe jagged!\u201d<\/p>\n DENISE: \u201cIt\u2019s like a baby hike. We won\u2019t need poles or any gear.\u201d<\/p>\n DAVE: \u201cIt\u2019s a MOUNTAIN!! I read the brochure! What about the elevation? Oxygen depletion? Floating untethered?\u201d<\/p>\n DENISE: \u201cDave, what are you really<\/em> worried about?\u201d<\/p>\n DAVE: \u201c. . . You know.\u201d<\/p>\n DENISE: \u201cRattlesnakes? Werewolves?\u201d<\/p>\n DAVE: \u201cSweating!\u201d<\/p>\n DENISE: \u201cDave, the view at the summit is spectacular!\u201d<\/p>\n DAVE: \u201cSummit? That\u2019s not like a trailhead, is it?\u201d<\/p>\n DENISE: \u201cAnd there\u2019s a gift shop.\u201d<\/p>\n DAVE: \u201c. . . You think they sell mugs?\u201d<\/p>\n DENISE: \u201cYes! Probably with funny slogans!\u201d<\/p>\n DAVE: \u201cI\u2019m in!\u201d<\/p>\n To be fair, I wouldn\u2019t describe the ascent as perilous since I could take a break every 50 yards to read the next trail brochure conveniently located in boxes beside the water fountains. However, there was much sweat! Also, I had many questions about the uniquely mountainous terrain.<\/p>\n DAVE: \u201cAre you tired? Cuz\u2019 I\u2019m really tired! Is this all<\/em> gonna be uphill? When we finish at the. . . I don\u2019t know, the summit? The trail face?. . . how far are we from the parking lot? I\u2019m so hungry! Do you have any mints in your purse? Even just the wrapper? I know<\/em> you do! You\u2019re hoarding, aren\u2019t you? AREN\u2019T YOU?\u201d<\/p>\n Days later\u2014OK, 45 minutes\u2014we reached the trail-summit-head-face. I stood on the highest point breathing the oxygen-thin air and marveling at the view of what I\u2019m told was a valley, now obscured by fog. Above me, the rich expanse of even more fog left me humbled in the face of Nature\u2019s casual disinterest.<\/p>\n But I had conquered the mountain! As had, 10 minutes later, a sweet little yorkie named Zelda who, judging by her rhinestone collar, was particularly rugged. She was followed by two youngsters, the grandchildren of Henry, a light-hearted 84-year-old electrical contractor from Iowa. Where it\u2019s really, really<\/em> flat.<\/p>\n No one was sweaty, tired, hungry or, as near as I could tell, hoarding mints. However, 84-year-old Henry was<\/em> using a walking staff. So technically, I won.<\/p>\n And<\/em> I bought a mug!<\/p>\n ###<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/sleepingbetweengiants.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/Return-from-Moab-revised-final.jpg\")
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