I love one-on-one Internal Family Systems (IFS) parts work. I am forever indebted to my IFS therapist Nancy Morgan and to IFS founder Dick Schwartz, who I\u2019ve been blessed to do some one-on-one work with from time to time. I highly recommend seeing an IFS therapist if you can access and afford one, and it\u2019s always the safest way to do IFS inner work.<\/span><\/p>\n But to be honest, the IFS intervention that has impacted my healing the most is my daily IFS peer-to-peer parts processing with Emma Harper. While peer support is not the same thing as therapy, peer support is accessible, free of charge, and something you can do every day if you find a committed partner.<\/span><\/p>\n Emma and I do it nearly every day on WhatsApp voice message, since I\u2019m in California, she\u2019s in England, and we\u2019re both busy entrepreneurs who don\u2019t have much time to hop on the phone. Having an empathic mirror, a listening presence, a co-regulating peer support partner who can respond to my parts when they get activated, confused, or polarized has been transformational beyond description. That said, I\u2019ll try to describe it.<\/span><\/p>\n Every day, when I wake up, I do a parts check in as my daily meditation. I \u201cgo inside,\u201d which means closing my eyes, often in the bathtub, and invite any parts that want my attention to let me know how they\u2019re doing, what they need from me, who\u2019s upset or confused or anxious, who might be using my body to get my attention, and so forth. After checking in, I get on WhatsApp and leave a voice message for Emma, reporting on what I discovered in my inner world.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n I\u2019m leading a training (with special guest Emma) on how to do this kind of peer to peer parts processing as safely and effectively as possible on Zoom November 1 & 2.<\/span><\/p>\n You can learn more and register here.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n What\u2019s this like? What are we actually doing? Our back and forth might look like the following sample WhatsApp message exchange. (I\u2019m summarizing issues we\u2019ve parts processed around but these are not Emma\u2019s own words. I\u2019d share a transcript of our actual parts processing, but in reality, we blend with parts more, we share details about our to do lists as catch up, and we meander much more than this script demonstrates. But for brevity, and just so you\u2019ll get the gist, here\u2019s a mock up of real issues Emma and I are struggling with and have done parts processing on. We just don\u2019t want you to think we\u2019re always this perfect in our parts processing!)<\/span><\/p>\n LISSA:<\/b> Hey love. My parts are in a tizzy today about Jeff\u2019s job situation. He\u2019s interviewing for three positions in three different parts of California \u2014 one in Santa Rosa, one in Palm Springs, and one in San Jose- and my homebody parts are freaking out. They just want to stay here in Sonoma County, after uprooting from seventeen years in Muir Beach.\u00a0 There\u2019s one part that\u2019s trying so hard to be flexible and supportive. She\u2019s saying, \u201cHe left Harvard and Boston to be with you, Lissa, so now it\u2019s your turn to be accommodating.\u201d She wants to be the good partner, the easygoing one, the woman who says, \u201cWherever you go, I\u2019ll go.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n But another part \u2013 she\u2019s really angry. I moved to Sonoma County because he said this is where he wanted to settle, but now he\u2019s getting seduced by more money elsewhere. This part has had her whole life disrupted this year- with Mira leaving her an empty nest, having to leave Muir Beach, losing her community, and she just wants to be able to put down roots and rebuild. Jeff led her to believe she could invest in staying in West Sonoma County, and she was on board for that. But now he\u2019s waffling. She\u2019s tired, and she feels like her longing for stability and home never gets taken seriously. I can feel her standing with her arms crossed, like she\u2019s been through this before. And then under her, there\u2019s a younger part who\u2019s scared that if I express what I want, Jeff will feel trapped or controlled and pull away. She\u2019s like, \u201cDon\u2019t rock the boat \u2014 him staying close depends on you being accommodating.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n So\u2026 yeah. That\u2019s what\u2019s here today. My system feels tense and protective.<\/span><\/p>\n EMMA:<\/b> Hi sweetheart. I know how hard it\u2019s been for you to leave Muir Beach, where we were so embedded- embedded in the nature of the place, in the community of your neighbors, in your love of the ocean, mountain, and redwoods. And that part has felt so displaced, and she\u2019s trying to find the next place to settle. That makes so much sense that you feel this tug between wanting to be supportive and giving Jeff the freedom to make the best choice for his next career move after he moved to California to be with you- and wanting to honor your own rootedness. It\u2019s such a sacred tension.<\/span><\/p>\n When you said that your younger part is scared you\u2019ll lose love if you assert what you want, I felt one of my own parts react and tears came up. Because it\u2019s so understandable, and I can relate. That part learned that love meant adjusting and suppressing her own needs, and that it wasn\u2019t safe to have needs. And of course your angry part would step in to protect her \u2014 she\u2019s like, \u201cNot again. I\u2019m not going to vanish myself for love.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n I just want to mirror back how much wisdom I feel in both of those parts. The easygoing one wants connection and wants to support Jeff\u2019s agency, the angry one wants dignity and wants your embedded parts needs to get met- and they\u2019re both fighting for belonging in their own ways.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n LISSA: <\/b>Thank you Emma. I got teary too with that little one who thinks I have to give in to what\u2019s best for Jeff. I did a campfire meditation on this and found about eight more parts. I\u201dll text you the parts map I drew. I found one part that was actually excited that he might take a job that would give us more financial stability, which surprised the part of me that really doesn\u2019t want him to sell out for money. And I found a part that called herself \u201csubmissive third wife\u201d that thought I just needed to be more submissive and less controlling and just try out being a kept woman for a change, who does yoga and has healthy meals on the table when Jeff gets home. And then my feminist parts were horrified about this. And my integrity police part, that polices my integrity but also Jeff\u2019s and other people\u2019s, came roaring in to assert herself, because one of the institutions has a history of tolerating sexual harassment of residents, which activates many parts from my twenties when I was the victim of relentless sexual harassment.<\/span><\/p>\n EMMA: <\/b>Wow, there\u2019s a lot going on in your system. That makes so much sense that you\u2019ve have all that activity. It\u2019s a big deal, a new job, another potential relocation. And yes, of course you\u2019re going to have a lot of polarized parts around integrity, corrupt systems that tolerate discrimination, and your career revolving around being a woman who stands up for the rights of the marginalized, especially women in medicine.<\/span><\/p>\n Let me share a bit about what\u2019s coming up for me today, because my parts are really activated too. My athlete parts are panicked, honestly. Since my foot injury and the surgery to fix my cut tendon, and now that the boot is off, the doctors and physical therapists are giving me next steps, and I think I had denial parts that just couldn\u2019t look ahead beyond the next right step. And now I\u2019m getting really frightened that my big toe won\u2019t lift normally. There\u2019s one part that\u2019s devastated (crying). She\u2019s afraid this could end my triathlete life, and that activates a disordered eating part that is afraid that if I can\u2019t exercise all the time, I might get fat and out of shape and then Matt won\u2019t love me anymore.\u00a0 Another part is angry at whoever left that piece of metal or glass in the lake, the thing that cut my foot. And a part angry at life, at God, like \u201cReally? After all I\u2019ve been through, when the wedding was finally over, and we\u2019ve finally moved into our new house, and it was finally time to relax and have fun. Like\u2026really? And beneath them, there\u2019s this younger one who\u2019s terrified of being limited, of being dependent on others, of being needy, of having to rely on others to take care of me. She equates movement with freedom, and not just movement, beautiful athletic prowess. She\u2019s terrified of losing her identity.<\/span><\/p>\n And the fact that Matt went ahead and ran his Ironman, while all this was going on, and my appeasing part told him to go, even though I couldn\u2019t get out of bed and needed other people to even feed me or help me bathe. I feel like that part sold me out, when a younger, legitimately needy part just wanted him to stay home and comfort her and prove that he\u2019d be willing to give up Ironman for her. And now the appeasing part has backed off and other parts just feel hurt and betrayed, not just by Matt, but by the appeasing part that silenced my neediness.<\/span><\/p>\n And then there\u2019s a spiritual part that keeps trying to reframe it, saying, \u201cMaybe this is a soul lesson in receiving, vulnerability, and surrender.\u201d But honestly, the other parts just want to scream.<\/span><\/p>\n LISSA: <\/b>Oh sweetheart\u2026 my heart just broke open hearing all that. I can feel so much tenderness for that devastated part, and also the one who\u2019s angry \u2014 angry at life, at God, at the lake, at the timing of it all. It makes so much sense. That part that just wants to scream- I get it. I think she\u2019s the voice of the unfairness. Like, \u201cCan I not get one season of joy without another loss? I\u2019ve worked so hard to enjoy the fruits of years worth of labor that got me here, and really? Now this? It is really supremely unfair, and I think that part has a really good point. It\u2019s not fair. You and Matt should be celebrating and going on long beautiful hikes in the Peak District for your anniversary right now, rather than going to rehab for your foot. I\u2019m so sorry it\u2019s so hard.<\/span><\/p>\n And I really feel for the one who\u2019s terrified about her toe, the one that equates movement and athleticism with freedom and beauty. She\u2019s so young, so alive, so embodied \u2013 and that\u2019s been such a core part of your identity for the entire time I\u2019ve known you- and long before that. And now she feels trapped and paralyzed and stuck. Of course she\u2019s terrified. And of course that would activate the eating disorder part, who learned that control over the body meant safety and love. Those two feel like they\u2019ve been linked for a long time, as if your worth and belonging were tied to your physical freedom, your beauty, your athletic power, your strength and form.<\/span><\/p>\n And then the part that told Matt to go \u2014 wow, I know that one too. The appeasing one who\u2019s terrified to need too much or worried that he\u2019ll love you less or resent you for asking him to miss this milestone he\u2019s worked so hard to reach. I imagine she thinks she\u2019s protecting you from rejection. But she also silences your truer need for care and closeness, for actually depending on your husband. And now the part who wanted to be comforted feels abandoned, both by Matt and by that appeasing manager. It\u2019s such an exquisitely painful bind.<\/span><\/p>\n When you said that your spiritual part keeps trying to make meaning, I totally do that too. My meaning-making mystic jumps in to say, \u201cThis is all divine curriculum,\u201d or \u201cJeff\u2019s situation is just trying to teach you to surrender more and control less.\u201d And yes, sometimes that\u2019s true- but other times, my spiritual bypassing or meaning making parts are just trying to see hard things with rose colored glasses, because otherwise, I\u2019d just collapse. I think your spiritual part is trying to protect you from falling into despair, but it sounds like the system just needs permission right now to grieve, rage, feel the unfairness of it all, and not make any sense of it.<\/span><\/p>\n But I\u2019m so proud of how much Self energy you\u2019ve been able to muster during all this. You\u2019ve been amazingly brave and optimistic but also real and in touch with so many understandable feelings. I trust you. I trust your Self. You\u2019ve got this.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n EMMA:<\/b> Thank you, love. That landed so deeply. Especially what you said about the appeasing part thinking she was protecting me from rejection or Matt\u2019s resentment later on. That\u2019s exactly it. I can feel her now with a little more compassion. She\u2019s so exhausted from keeping the peace, and she honestly believed letting Matt go was the loving thing to do.<\/span><\/p>\n And yes, the little one underneath her, the one who wanted to be held, I\u2019m holding her right now. She\u2019s still crying. She\u2019s saying, \u201cWhy does no one ever choose me? Why do I get left all by myself so other people can be selfish and do what they want for themselves?\u201d It\u2019s the same wound I\u2019ve had since childhood, when I was sick or injured and my mom would be caught up in her own life and barely notice that I needed her. I learned to self-soothe through performance, through excellence, through academia, through being the best. So of course, the loss of physical excellence feels like an existential threat to this part.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Your reflection about the meaning-making mystic really helped too. I can feel that part softening, realizing she doesn\u2019t have to rush to spiritualize this. Maybe she can just sit beside the devastation without fixing it and let me in Self handle this. (Cries more). It\u2019s just too much right now. (Silence.) I\u2019ve got her now. Thanks for giving me this space to feel her.<\/span><\/p>\n I also feel a lot of resonance between your integrity police and my injured athlete. Both of them are fierce protectors of our core values \u2014 integrity for you, vitality and strength for me \u2014 and both are terrified of being forced into compromise. There\u2019s something about both of us trying to hold onto what feels like our truest essence when life throws big change at us.<\/span><\/p>\n LISSA: <\/b>Yes, exactly. That landed in my body when you said \u201cour truest essence.\u201d It\u2019s like both of our systems are wrestling with what it means to stay true to ourselves when external circumstances threaten to pull us off center.\u00a0 My integrity police and your athlete part both carry a purity impulse \u2014 they want to preserve something sacred. My integrity police says, \u201cDon\u2019t sell out. Don\u2019t compromise your values.\u201d Yours says, \u201cDon\u2019t lose your vitality. Don\u2019t disappear from yourself.\u201d And both are terrified that if they relax, we\u2019ll betray who we really are.\u00a0 I feel like both of us are being asked to expand Self-energy wide enough to include both purity and flexibility. To hold the truth that we can stay in integrity and aliveness even when the form changes.<\/span><\/p>\n And as I say that, I can feel my angry part exhale a little. Like she\u2019s realizing she doesn\u2019t have to fight so hard to be seen.\u00a0 I can see her and love Jeff at the same time. Maybe you don\u2019t have to fight your body either \u2014 maybe there\u2019s a new kind of movement trying to be born through you, one that isn\u2019t about speed or endurance but about intimacy with your own limits. We\u2019re both going to have to do that as we get older. I\u2019m older than you, so I\u2019m already realizing my own limits, and it\u2019s so scary to start experiencing losses that we might not get back. It\u2019s so much easier just to indulge optimistic parts and hope everything will just return to normal. I really do hope that\u2019s what happens and there\u2019s no residual injury once you recover, sweetheart.<\/span><\/p>\n EMMA:<\/b>\u00a0 Mmm\u2026 yes. That brought tears again. \u201cIntimacy with your own limits.\u201d That feels like the medicine I can actually receive right now. Not bypassing, but befriending.\u00a0 And I love what you said about expanding to hold both purity and flexibility. It\u2019s like the work we\u2019re both doing is learning to stay faithful to our essence while letting go of the form we thought it had to take- and the rigidity around it. I can feel my system settling as we talk \u2014 like the parts are realizing they\u2019re not alone in this tug-of-war. Thank you for witnessing me, Lissa. I can feel your Self holding mine.<\/span><\/p>\n It\u2019s Not Therapy, But It Does Help Us Heal<\/span><\/p>\n Peer to peer parts processing is not the same thing as therapy. We don\u2019t give each other therapeutic advice. We\u2019re not facilitating unburdening each other\u2019s exiles. But we it does help us unblend from our parts, get empathy, mirroring and validation, and support our own self help IFS practices. If you\u2019re interested in learning how to do this safely and effectively, Emma and I invite you to join us this weekend on Zoom for a training on how to learn this, as well as opportunities to practice peer supporting others.<\/span><\/p>\n Join us for the Peer To Peer Parts Processing training here.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/lissarankin.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/10\/sm_0_3.jpg\")
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