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Though closeness is an important part of a great relationship, the cofounder and COO of Fresh Starts Registry<\/a>, Genevieve Dreizen, says that privacy is key, too.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cAs a person who spends a great deal of time helping people navigate life transitions and emotional crossroads, I always remind people that privacy is not a threat to intimacy,\u201d the etiquette expert said. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n In fact, she calls it a \u201cnecessary ingredient\u201d for a healthy partnership. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n Perhaps that\u2019s why Redditor u\/taliv_03<\/a> said she feels so \u201cdisgusted\u201d after learning that her partner had been rifling through her diary. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n Writing to the forum r\/TwoHotTakes<\/a>, the original poster (OP) said that she first<\/a> suspected him of reading her journal about a month ago, when his jokes about her changed. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n Here, we asked Dreizen to weigh in on the tricky situation. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n The poster, a 27-year-old woman, said that her partner (a 29-year-old man) had been together for a little over a year when she noticed the change.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Throughout that period, she had a paper diary that her boyfriend knew about. It is a \u201cnon-negotiable\u201d for her, she says; her partner had previously \u201cteased me [about it] once in a sweet way, calling it my \u2018brain compost bin.\u2019\u201d <\/p>\n<\/div>\n About a month ago, though, she started noticing something strange about her partner\u2019s jokes. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cWe were with friends, and he made a joke about how I [research] symptoms for my cat more than for myself… It stung because that exact line was in my journal the night before, word for word,\u201d OP wrote. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cA week later, he told this story to my sister about how I still feel guilty for breaking a snow globe when I was five. I have never told that story out loud, only wrote it down after a therapy session.\u201d <\/p>\n<\/div>\n Two nights ago, she said she walked in to see her diary open on a coffee table in front of her. He claimed he had moved it to save it from the cat, she said.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n After he mentioned yet another private musing, though, she raised her suspicions with him, \u201cand he got defensive, said I should not write things down if I don\u2019t want them to be \u2018found art\u2019, and that I was overreacting because \u2018partners should not have secrets.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Since then, OP writes, she has felt \u201cdisgusted and stupid, like my safe place just got ripped open for someone else\u2019s stand-up routine.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cAt the same time, I keep wondering if I am making this bigger than it is. Is reading a partner\u2019s journal and then using their thoughts as jokes a hard deal breaker, or something you can actually rebuild trust from?\u201d she ended.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Speaking to HuffPost UK, Dreizen explained: \u201cWhen a partner reads your diary, they aren\u2019t just crossing a line of etiquette; they are trespassing on the internal space where you tell the truth to yourself. That space is sacred.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cA diary is not a shared document, not a negotiation, not a relationship ledger.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n And when someone snoops in your diary, \u201cYou\u2019re dealing with a breach of trust that destabilises the foundation of emotional safety in the relationship.\u201d <\/p>\n<\/div>\n It turns a private space into an arena where you suddenly have to worry about leaving yourself open to teasing and jokes, the expert added. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cThat kind of emotional exposure can make you question your reality, tiptoe around your own inner world, or feel ashamed of feelings you were never meant to defend.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cThe injury is not just about the reading \u2013 it\u2019s about the casualness with which your boundaries were dismissed, the entitlement to your inner life, and the refusal to take accountability afterwards.\u201d <\/p>\n<\/div>\n For her part, Dreizen said, \u201cThe first step is acknowledging that this isn\u2019t a difference in opinion about privacy. This is a boundary violation. The partner\u2019s belief that \u2018partners shouldn\u2019t have secrets\u2019 is a misconception wrapped in control.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n She said that in this case, repair is only possible once OP\u2019s partner has proven that he understands that he\u2019s wrong and why and has taken concrete steps to change. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n Dreizen asked the poster, should she wish to give her partner another try, to say something like, \u201cI\u2019m open to moving forward, but only if you take responsibility without minimising and commit to respecting my boundaries. What steps are you willing to take to make that happen?\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\nOP\u2019s partner began joking about details only shared in her journal <\/strong><\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is a boundary violation\u201d <\/strong><\/h2>\n<\/p>\n