When I was 14, my best friend would greet me with a hug every time I saw her. Did I mention our lockers were right next to each other? That might sound excessive, especially if you relate to <\/span>Instagram videos<\/span><\/a> like the one captioned: \u201cwhen the huggy friend tries to give the un-huggy friend a hug.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n Unlike the video, my friend and I fell into the \u201chuggy\u201d category and easily picked up on each other\u2019s bids. Coined by psychologists Julie and John Gottman in their <\/span>well-known research on relationships<\/span><\/a>, \u201can emotional bid is when one person makes a gesture to another person that communicates an attempt to connect,\u201d Charlynn Ruan, a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder of <\/span>Thrive Psychology Group<\/span><\/a>, told HuffPost.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Dejan Marjanovic via Getty Images<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div> \u201cThough the Gottmans studied romantic relationships, bids are part of every relationship,\u201d she told HuffPost. \u201cA child might say, \u2018Look at me, mum!\u2019 A dog might drop a ball at your feet. A friend might send you a text or meme. These are all bids.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n If your <\/span>friendships aren\u2019t as close<\/span><\/a> as you\u2019d like them to be, paying attention to bids can help you feel more connected. Read on for expert advice on how to recognise and respond to bids.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cBids can be verbal and direct or nonverbal and indirect,\u201d New York City licensed mental health counsellor <\/span>Tracy Vadakumchery<\/span><\/a>, also known as <\/span>The Bad Indian Therapist<\/span><\/a>, told HuffPost. Examples of nonverbal bids include smiling, sighing, frowning, and pointing to an object. She explained that people with social anxiety may use nonverbal gestures due to a fear of rejection, for example, making eye contact before looking away. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n But, even when bids involve direct, verbal communication, they can be misinterpreted. \u201cAn example is <\/span>small talk<\/span><\/a>, which isn\u2019t necessarily about polite social behaviour,\u201d Vadakumchery said. \u201cSometimes, it\u2019s a way to test the waters and see if you\u2019re <\/span>a safe person<\/span><\/a> to connect with.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n Similarly, a friend might test the waters by mentioning a hardship they\u2019re facing during a lighthearted conversation. \u201cIt might be a bid for you to notice them and ask if they\u2019re OK,\u201d Ruan said. Alternatively, a friend might post about their struggles on social media in hopes that you\u2019ll respond. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n Another sign of an emotional bid is sharing something personal or talking about your feelings, said <\/span>Sabrina Romanoff<\/span><\/a>, a licensed clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University. A friend might ask about your day, send a screenshot of a text exchange, or invite you to go for a walk. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cEssentially, it\u2019s a way to bond by creating a shared experience,\u201d she said. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n Giving and receiving bids are integral to building <\/span>strong and lasting friendships<\/span><\/a>. At the same time, \u201cBids are easy to miss, especially when we\u2019re busy, stressed, or caught up in our own lives,\u201d Romanoff said. We might be looking at our phone instead of listening or expecting a friend to respond to a text immediately because that\u2019s our communication style.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n As it turns out, how a person receives a bid can greatly influence the <\/span>success of the relationship<\/span><\/a>. The Gottmans described three responses to bids: \u201cturning away\u201d (missing or ignoring a bid), \u201cturning toward\u201d (acknowledging and engaging), or \u201cturning against\u201d (rejecting, minimizing, or dismissing). <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cIf the bid were missed, met with anger, or ignored, the relationship was more likely to break down over time,\u201d Ruan said. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n Unfortunately, due to misinformation on social media, sometimes people mistake bids for \u201c<\/span>trauma dumping<\/span><\/a>,\u201d Vadakumchery said. This is when someone unloads traumatic or intense experiences onto the listener, typically without their consent. Bids, on the other hand, require vulnerability and help to establish deeper connections. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n In any friendship, it\u2019s natural to go through periods marked by emotional or physical distance. If your <\/span>friend just became a new parent<\/span><\/a>, you might withdraw from the friendship, believing you can\u2019t relate to each other anymore. \u201cDuring those seasons, it is extra important to feed that relationship a consistent diet of bids by sending funny memes, texting regularly, or planning a coffee date,\u201d Ruan said. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n kelvinjay via Getty Images<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div> Bids come in many forms, from funny stories to TV show recommendations for you to watch and debrief together. \u201cPaying attention to how your friend shows their love can be helpful,\u201d Romanoff said. \u201cThere\u2019s no one-size-fits-all, and we are best served by asking what they prefer and delivering it.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n When you notice a friend making a bid, make sure to respond. If they send you a meme, instead of a <\/span>one-word reply<\/span><\/a> or an emoji, try texting them, \u201cThat\u2019s so funny! It reminds me of the time we went to that concert.\u201d Likewise, if they try to make plans with you, show enthusiasm and commit to a date. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n Another way to respond to bids is to ask your friend thoughtful questions. Think of something they mentioned previously and ask for an update. \u201cWhenever we give a friend a bid or turn toward their bid, it builds trust, connection and a sense of value in the relationship,\u201d Ruan added. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n If a friend who\u2019s usually responsive suddenly seems quiet or distant, this might be their way of sending a bid. \u201cSometimes, the people we feel connected to carry a lot of other people\u2019s burdens, so when they go through a hard time, they withdraw because they don\u2019t think they are valuable in relationships when they have nothing to give,\u201d Ruan said. It\u2019s possible they need your support and don\u2019t know how to ask for it. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n Her advice is to say, \u201cI love you no matter what mood you are in. You don\u2019t have to show up \u2018happy\u2019 for me to want to be with you. You do so much for others. I feel honored when you let me support you because I know that\u2019s hard for you sometimes.\u201d<\/span> All three experts agreed that missing a bid is usually unintentional. Still, there are more constructive responses than writing off a friendship or assuming they don\u2019t care about you. If you\u2019re <\/span>feeling ignored<\/span><\/a>, Romanoff suggested saying, \u201cI\u2019d love for you to slow down and really listen to my story.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n Likewise, Vadakumchery\u2019s advice was to approach your friend with curiosity, rather than judgment: \u201cHey, I\u2019ve really missed you. I was hoping you were feeling the same. I felt hurt when you didn\u2019t respond. Can you tell me what\u2019s going on?\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n Missing one or two bids may be an isolated occurrence. However, if it happens repeatedly, you might need to be more direct. Instead of waiting for them to pick up on your bid, try saying, \u201cI miss you, let\u2019s plan a call. What is a good time for you?\u201d Ruan said.<\/span> As for the huggy-unhuggy friend scenario, keep in mind that people have different <\/span>comfort levels regarding touch<\/span><\/a>. <\/span>If you\u2019re the huggy friend, try saying, \u201cI\u2019m a hugger. Let me know if that\u2019s OK. I won\u2019t be offended if you prefer not to hug.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n And if you\u2019re the not-so-huggy friend, don\u2019t be shy about telling your friend. Ruan recommended saying: \u201cI didn\u2019t grow up in a hugging house, so if I seem stiff when you hug me, it isn\u2019t about you. I\u2019m just not used to it.\u201d <\/span>Conversations like these can be very healing because they encourage people to find new ways to connect. <\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n![\""Emotional](\"https:\/\/img.huffingtonpost.com\/asset\/6920a914170000319e9c671a.jpeg?cache=emqGy8JpWD&ops=scalefit_720_noupscale&format=webp)
<\/picture><\/div>\nHow to tell if a friend is making a bid.<\/strong><\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
Bids are important, but sometimes overlooked.<\/strong><\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
![\"Knowing](\"https:\/\/img.huffingtonpost.com\/asset\/6924c46d1700006fcf9c6ac4.jpeg?cache=LXlszEUY9a&ops=scalefit_720_noupscale&format=webp)
<\/picture><\/div>\nRespond to that bid! <\/strong><\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\nWhen a friend misses your bid…<\/strong><\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
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