There\u2019s a saying in spiritual circles- \u201cIf you think you\u2019re enlightened, go home.\u201d No matter how great your childhood was, nothing brings up our core triggers and most regressed behaviors more than being around our family of origin.<\/p>\n I remember helping my mother prepare Thanksgiving one year in my early adulthood. She would make very reasonable requests, like \u201cHey honey, can you peel the sweet potatoes?\u201d And instead of quietly complying, with a smile, like I would have in childhood, some ancient rebel in me would rise up and turn me into a little bitch.<\/p>\n \u201cYou are not the boss of me!\u201d<\/p>\n She\u2019d look at me, stunned, and start peeling the potatoes herself, wondering what had happened to her sweet little girl. it took me years in therapy to understand why I\u2019d behave so immaturely when I was around my mother for the holidays.<\/p>\n One of my Love School students wrote to me lately with this story:<\/p>\n \u201cThere was a year I remember cutting the turkey with a smile on my face while my body quietly tried to disappear. On the outside, I was the good, grateful, gracious one. I labored tirelessly in the kitchen without complaining and served the food I\u2019d prepped. I laughed at the stories I\u2019d heard a thousand times. I passed plates, filled glasses, offered to clean up before anyone could stop me.<\/p>\n I imagine I looked fine from the outside, but on the inside, my chest was tight, my jaw was clamped, and my back ached with the familiar weight of hypervigilance. I was scanning for emotional landmines long before they were stepped on. Who was slurring already? Who felt volatile? Who seemed just a little too quiet? Who might corner me later with invasive questions about my life, my choices, my body, my relationship, my timeline, my \u201cproblems\u201d?<\/p>\n I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror.<\/p>\n You\u2019re doing it again,<\/em>\u00a0I whispered.\u00a0You\u2019re leaving your body in order to stay at the table.<\/em>\u00a0I realized something that day that changed everything for me: The most important seat at any table is the one I occupy inside myself.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n For many of us with trauma histories, Thanksgiving and other winter holidays bring up all our shit. For those with wounded boundaries, we may show up boundaryless- and then in the aftermath, we suffer from an emotional hangover for days or weeks of dissociated dorsal vagal doldrums afterwards. Or we may use walls instead of boundaries, avoiding family gatherings altogether, for fear of the next meltdown, blow up, or intrusion.<\/p>\n But what if you didn\u2019t have to tolerate the intolerable or indulge your avoidant parts? What if this Thanksgiving, you could communicate with your parts and make a conscious choice about what you will and will not tolerate- and construct a plan to take care of your parts instead of forcing them to endure intolerable family behaviors or boycott the holiday altogether?<\/p>\n Let\u2019s say a part of you is scared that Great Aunt Mildred will, yet again, pester and humiliate you about your biological clock and how it\u2019s tick tick ticking. Well, this time, you could approach Meddling Millie ahead of time and let her know that you are unavailable for any mention of childbearing, and if she brings it up while passing the mashed potatoes, you\u2019re going to promptly exit stage left.<\/p>\n Maybe your brother starts slurring his words while the turkey is still raw and then the gloves come off, activating all the times he bullied you when you were too little to protect yourself. Well, now you\u2019re not little, even if some of your parts still feel that way. This time, you might give your brother a choice. If he wants you at the Thanksgiving table, you\u2019re only available to sit down with him if he\u2019s sober. If he is unwilling to make that sacrifice to have you there, well, he\u2019s made his choice- and you have the right to make yours.<\/p>\n If your mother runs the Thanksgiving kitchen like a drill sergeant and you\u2019re not in the mood to be one of her soldiers, you could ask her to make an effort to be less controlling in the kitchen if she wants your help. And if she can\u2019t help herself and the orders start flying, you could just bail on kitchen duty and excuse yourself to read a book for a while.<\/p>\n If you were raised to be a compliant fawner, boundaries like that might sound selfish or controlling to you. But it\u2019s not selfish or controlling to look out for your tender parts; it\u2019s self loving, it\u2019s self caring, it\u2019s being compassionate for the easily activated parts of yourself. Great Aunt Mildred might not like your boundaries if she feels entitled to be intrusive about your private business. Your brother might feel irritated that he has to choose between boozing it up and enjoying the pleasure of your company at Thanksgiving, but as long as you\u2019re giving him a choice, you\u2019re entitled to make your own choice about what\u2019s okay and what\u2019s not okay. And your drill sergeant mother- well, if she wants help in the kitchen, she might have to learn that Nurse Ratchett is not an energy that compels her kids to want to string green beans anywhere near her.<\/p>\n My invitation to you as we approach the Thanksgiving holidays is to get clear with yourself about what\u2019s okay and not okay with you. What are you willing to tolerate, even if you have to grin and bear it a bit- and what is too far over the line for you to engage with? In case you\u2019re not sure what boundaries are acceptable to set, here are some potential Thanksgiving boundaries you have every right to set and enforce.<\/p>\n 1. Time Boundary<\/strong> 2. Politics Boundary<\/strong> 3. Privacy Boundary<\/strong> 4. Sobriety Boundary<\/strong> 5. Emotional Labor Boundary<\/strong> 6. Respect Boundary<\/strong> 7. Role Boundary<\/strong> 8. Caretaking Boundary<\/strong> 9. Body Autonomy Boundary<\/strong> 10. Communication Style Boundary<\/strong> 11. Schedule Boundary<\/strong> 12. Performance Boundary<\/strong> 13. Safety Boundary<\/strong> 14. Self-Regulation Boundary<\/strong> 15. Unsolicited Advice Boundary<\/strong> If you\u2019re new to setting boundaries around holiday times, your loved ones might bristle a bit. Don\u2019t worry. That\u2019s normal. It may take some adjustment to get used to the new, healthier you. It\u2019s also normal to be messy when you\u2019re experimenting with boundary setting for the first time. You won\u2019t always be smooth or get the right balance of gentle and fierce. Give yourself a break if it\u2019s a bumpy ride. You\u2019ll get better at it with practice, just like any new skill.<\/p>\n Over time, the rewards will be worth it. You won\u2019t have to tolerate tolerate tolerate leave. Or suck it up suck it up suck it up blow up. Or suffer the emotional hangover after showing up boundaryless. And you won\u2019t have to avoid family gatherings altogether- unless going no contact is the only way to stay safe, which may be your only option if people absolutely refuse to respect your clearly stated boundaries.<\/p>\n It helps to remind people that setting boundaries is an act of love, a way to protect the relationship, to stay in connection safely. It\u2019s not intended to be controlling, even though it might feel that way to others who feel entitled to have zero limits. You can\u2019t expect people to read your mind. Setting boundaries ensures that someone doesn\u2019t have to guess at what you will or won\u2019t tolerate.<\/p>\n Boundaries are also a great discernment tool. They help you assess whether someone is safe enough to keep close- or whether they\u2019re really not going to be safe, no matter how healthy you are with expressing what\u2019s okay and not okay.<\/p>\n They\u2019re also a way to prove to your own parts that you\u2019ve got their back, that they don\u2019t have to be anxious about the unpredictable and unexpected, because\u00a0you have a plan<\/em>\u2013 and your own exit strategy, in case that\u2019s what\u2019s needed to be the ideal parent your parts need from you.<\/p>\n Good luck with Thanksgiving boundary setting! And please know, dear reader, how grateful I am that you care about what I write. And to those who have subscribed to read my newsletters, THANK YOU! I thank my lucky stars every day that I get to make a living as a writer, which I can only do because of YOU.<\/p>\n If what I write is helpful to you, please consider passing this along to anyone else you think might benefit from reading it. And if you\u2019d like a deeper dive into relational recovery skills like boundary setting, please considering joining LOVE SCHOOL, which meets twice a month and is full of loving, curious, open-hearted people who are investing in improving all kinds of relationships, not just romantic ones, but family connections, friendships, and peer to peer IFS support.<\/p>\n Learn more and join LOVE SCHOOL here.<\/a><\/p>\n Happy Thanksgiving to you!<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/lissarankin.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/11\/thanksgiving.webp\")
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\u201cI\u2019m able to come for a few hours, and then I\u2019ll be heading home.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not having political conversations today. Please contain yourself if you feel compelled to try to influence my political stance.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThere are certain parts of my life that are not open for family discussion. I\u2019m unavailable for interrogations about my personal life. I will not answer any questions about my dating life \/ body \/ job \/ fertility \/ health right now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not okay with being around heavy drinking or drug use. You\u2019re free to do as you wish, but I want you to know that if that happens, I\u2019ll be stepping away.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m working in therapy to reduce the emotional labor I tend to take on unwittingly when I\u2019m around family. I\u2019m happy to be with you all, but I\u2019m not available to mediate conflict or emotionally bolster others at this gathering.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf voices get raised or there\u2019s disrespect happening, I will remove myself.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not taking on my usual role as peacemaker\/ organizer\/ therapist today. I\u2019m happy to listen to updates about how everyone is doing, but I won\u2019t play family counselor today.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI understand that some people might not like my boundaries, but I\u2019m not responsible for other people\u2019s emotional comfort or reactions to my choices.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m working on reclaiming my bodily autonomy, so please understand that I don\u2019t want hugs or other physical contact without being asked first.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI will not respond to passive-aggressive comments or guilt-tripping. If you have a beef with me, please confront me respectfully and directly.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you expect something from me, please ask me directly and give me plenty of time to make up my mind. I won\u2019t change my plans at the last minute out of guilt or pressure.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not going to fake \u201cnice family\u201d today. I unavailable for pretending everything is okay when it isn\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI will not be in the same space as my unremorseful, unrepentant perpetrator. If Uncle Joe shows up for Thanksgiving, I\u2019ll be leaving.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease don\u2019t take it personally if I step outside periodically to take breaks, excuse myself to a quiet room, or leave if I feel overwhelmed.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201dI know you care about me, but please don\u2019t give me advice about how you think I should live my life unless I ask.\u201d<\/p>\n