Thank you for joining me on this journey to emotional intelligence. Everyone should invest in emotional intelligence fluency. I believe that the higher our collective EQ \u2013 regardless of your gender or other identities \u2013 the more courageous we can be as a society.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n I peaked in Kindergarten. 1989 marked the apex of my popularity and influence. Everyone wanted to hang out with me \u2013 the spunky, curly-haired girl who ever-so-slightly resembled Shirly Temple, an idol unrivaled in the 1900s. The tables weren\u2019t big enough to accommodate the tens of kids who wanted to sit with me at lunch.<\/p>\n Then it all came crashing down in first grade when I got glasses and broke my arm in the same week. Oh how the mighty will fall.<\/p>\n You see, popularity in elementary school is largely determined by your biology and the choices of your parents. The scaffolding of social hierarchy is being built, but isn\u2019t yet dependent on interpersonal and\/or social skills. As a seven year old, glasses resulted in a huge downgrade in social status. Not being able to play Four Square with the broken arm was another hit. Having zero emotional intelligence (EQ) wasn\u2019t relevant yet to climbing the social ladder, for me or anyone, but it would be soon. If only I had known then how much EQ \u2013 and my lack thereof \u2013 would impact nearly every part of my life.<\/p>\n With no social prospects to speak of, I turned to books. I read everything written by Madeline L\u2019Engle, then moved on to Lurlene McDaniel. You remember those sad books about kids who get cancer with titles like Six Months to Live<\/em> and Last Dance<\/em> and She Died Too Young<\/em>? I devoured them.<\/p>\n As you might imagine, being sad all the time only made me more unlikeable. As a relative outcast, I didn\u2019t develop the emotional tools you need to navigate social situations. While I was reading, my peers were building skills to help them navigate a lifetime of interpersonal interactions.\u00a0<\/p>\n Seventh grade was especially brutal. My dad, trying to cheer me up, said that if I was good<\/em>, it wouldn\u2019t matter if people liked me. I think he may have even said, \u201cbe so good that they can\u2019t ignore you.\u201d He wasn\u2019t talking about moral goodness of course, he was talking about working hard, saying that I could earn respect based on the quality of my work. And that statement \u2013 probably said when he, himself, was feeling tired and underappreciated \u2013 stuck with me.<\/p>\n Being good<\/em> became my primary goal in life.\u00a0<\/p>\n By high school, I\u2019d achieved Teacher\u2019s Pet status in nearly every class. I followed rules, turned in work early, and did extra credit. I was also the Drum Major of the marching band. For the uninitiated, that means you stand on a podium and conduct during practice and performances. Savvy Drum Majors can be effective and<\/em> well-liked. Being a not-so-savvy Drum Major did not help me drum up any new friendships.\u00a0<\/p>\n But I loved it. Every part of it. I even learned to love the way being in a leadership role set me apart from other kids, physically and socially\/emotionally. I chose to see that distance as a sign of respect. (Dear reader, it was a sign of something, but respect was not it.)\u00a0<\/p>\n Fast forward a few years post-college: I\u2019d been getting by just fine on the be so good they can\u2019t ignore you<\/em> mantra and life was good. Or so I thought.<\/p>\n Then I started a new job at a leading food website. My responsibilities included inventory management for international clients, which required coordinating with peers on internal teams. And let me tell you \u2013 I was managing those workflows like a boss<\/em>. Repeating the patterns from my youth, I followed the rules, turned in work early, and volunteered for \u2018extra credit\u2019. If a conversation wasn\u2019t directly related to the project at hand, I wasn\u2019t interested. I wanted to check the boxes and move forward to the next thing. I wasn\u2019t rude \u2013 I was assertive and direct.<\/p>\n But these actions were costing me, a reality to which I was completely unaware. I had spent so many years teaching myself not to care about what other people thought that I became blind to how my actions might impact others. I just had no idea of the damage I was doing.<\/p>\n About 9-months into the new job, my boss sat me down for a conversation. With great compassion, she said to me, \u201cKristina, if you want to be successful here, or anywhere, you need to be nicer to people.\u201d<\/p>\n I\u2019ll admit, my first thought was not a nice one. Be nicer to people?<\/em> I am nice<\/em>! Isn\u2019t it <\/em>nice to work with someone who\u2019s good at their job and gets stuff done?<\/em><\/p>\n No. The answer to that question is no.<\/p>\n Or at least, it\u2019s a nuanced no, as I would come to learn through a journey that spanned years, multiple jobs, and two therapists.\u00a0<\/p>\n I did the work. Through therapy, I grew my emotional intelligence from basically zero. My starting point \u2013 and I\u2019m embarrassed to admit this \u2013 was a \u201cchart of faces\u201d where I learned to identify and name my own feelings. (If you have friends who joke about \u201cbeing dead on the inside\u201d, maybe check in on them. There might be some hidden truth to that narrative.)<\/p>\n Next, I learned to tune into the feelings of others. For example: did you know that every space has an emotional temperature based on the feelings of the people in the room? I didn\u2019t! Tuning into this emotional undercurrent, and understanding it, felt like learning a whole new language.<\/p>\n And unlocking a new level in my life.<\/p>\n In the office, I focused on listening, being flexible, and connecting with colleagues on a personal level. I learned to start emails with polite platitudes about the weather or the weekend or a workout. I leaned into the small talk at the beginning of meetings, embracing ice breaker questions and suggesting new ones. Even though it can feel forced and silly, making time for these small connections builds a foundation of trust and collaboration by recognizing our shared humanity.<\/p>\n I also learned to call attention to birthdays, work anniversaries, or significant dates for colleagues and friends. I began adding these dates to my calendar \u2013 talk about a hack that\u2019s changed my life. Collectively, I take these actions in an effort to open doors, build trust, and create points of connection.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n Colleagues noticed right away. Or rather, I perceived that I was being perceived differently, if that makes sense.\u00a0<\/p>\n Then I came clean. As someone who shares about her life (overshares? Have you read<\/em> this blog before?!), I opted to tell folks that I was working on showing more empathy. Through those vulnerable conversations we were able to repair past transgressions. I also asked for trust that I do have empathy even though I\u2019m not always great at showing it. In being transparent about my goals, growing my emotional intelligence became a group project. I had previously been mortally opposed to group projects, but I was newly grateful to have additional support and people to keep me in check.\u00a0<\/p>\n My boss gave me an incredible gift. I could have taken her advice defensively, but I chose to embrace it. She modeled how to deliver difficult feedback by catering her message to me. She kept it short, kind, truthful, and rooted in my values. Knowing I would care more about the outcome than my ego, she made it about the work getting done.\u00a0<\/p>\n You\u2019re telling me that my behaviour isn\u2019t working for the project? Okay, let me do it differently.<\/em><\/p>\n I\u2019ve carried this ethos with me for the last 20 years. One of the professional skills I\u2019m most proud of is my ability to take, and act on, feedback from colleagues. Feedback is always a gift, and I strive to give and receive it in that spirit. Her feedback propelled me to where I am today<\/a>, and I\u2019m so grateful to pay that gift forward.\u00a0<\/p>\n For this post, I wanted to focus on how growing my EQ helped me as a person, but I\u2019d be remiss if I didn\u2019t acknowledge the gender stereotypes inherent in the suggestion that I be nicer to people<\/em>.\u00a0<\/p>\n Women are expected to be both good and<\/em> nice, whereas men don\u2019t have to be nice, or even, often, any good. As published in Fortune<\/em><\/a>,<\/em> a recent analysis by Textio, a management software company, <\/em>found that \u201conly 2% of high-performing men receive negative [personality-based] feedback in performance reviews compared to 76% of high-performing women.\u201d Women disproportionately receive personality-based feedback from managers of all genders. I could write a book about my experiences with gender inequalities (many people have \u2013 this one is exceptional<\/a>). I\u2019m sure you could too. For today, let\u2019s agree this is a problem and we\u2019re all going to work on it.\u00a0<\/p>\n Everyone should invest in emotional intelligence fluency. I believe that the higher our collective EQ \u2013 regardless of your gender or other identities \u2013 the more courageous we can be as a society.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Gaining better EQ fluency will always be a work in progress. Today, I still want to be good <\/em>at my work. And I know that the path to doing the best, dare I say goodest,<\/em> work is through building successful relationships. The route may feel<\/em> less direct, but by focusing on people first and outcomes second, you discover better solutions while gaining professional\/personal capital to propel the next project forward.<\/p>\n This new EQ-first approach has impacted every part of my life for the better: with colleagues, mentors, friends, and family. Personally, my friendships with other women in particular have become rich wells of depth, support, and kindness. I\u2019m so profoundly grateful to finally have gained the respect I always wanted and, most significantly, the friendships I was always too afraid to admit that I needed.\u00a0<\/p>\n I\u2019m not yet maxing out the seating capacity in the lunchroom, but we\u2019re getting close. One seat at a time.<\/p>\n p.s. I look forward to a lifetime of leaning into developing EQ skills. Do you have any recommendations or stories you want to share? Add them in the comments!<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Thank you for joining me on this journey to emotional intelligence. Everyone should invest in emotional intelligence fluency. I believe that the higher our collective EQ \u2013 regardless of your gender or other identities \u2013 the more courageous we can be as a society.\u00a0 I peaked in Kindergarten. 1989 marked the apex of my popularity […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":318722,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11760],"tags":[1416,4771],"dealstore":[],"offerexpiration":[],"class_list":["post-318721","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-adventure","tag-good","tag-isnt"],"yoast_head":"\n
\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/occasionallyepic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/07\/IMG_4665-cropped-1024x683.jpg\")
She Died Too Young<\/em><\/h2>\n
Be So Good They Can\u2019t Ignore You<\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/occasionallyepic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/07\/Kristina-Ciari-High-School-Drum-Major-e1752523943965.png\")
The Awakening<\/h2>\n
Emotional Intelligence Leveling Up<\/h2>\n
![\"\"](\"https:\/\/occasionallyepic.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/07\/IMG_3514-1024x522.jpg\")
Showing the Work<\/h2>\n
Feedback is a Gift<\/h2>\n
The Gender Paradox<\/h2>\n
An EQ-First Approach<\/h2>\n
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\nEmotional Intelligence Tips?<\/h2>\n