I was talking to a full-time mother the other day, and she was pissed. Her full-time working husband was heading out on yet another business trip. It was his third week-long trip that month, and she was over it. Their two kids missed their father, and she didn\u2019t think all the travel was truly necessary, even if it was for work.<\/p>\n
After all, we all went through COVID, and everything worked out just fine with video conferencing. She felt he was choosing to travel more than he needed to, mainly for the fun of it and to get a break from the kids. <\/p>\n
That conversation got me thinking about the tension that builds in households where one parent stays home and the other goes to work. I feel it too. Every time I debate attending a conference versus preserving a precious weekend with my wife and children, the internal pull is real. With my two kids now in school full-time, the weekends matter even more. So I haven\u2019t gone to a conference yet.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n Given I’m a man, I’m going to write this post from a father’s perspective. But it is just as relevant for mothers too.<\/p>\n Men are trained from a young age to provide. Even if nobody acknowledges the work, we continue showing up. We feed, protect, teach, drive, fix, support, and problem solve through every stage of our children\u2019s lives.<\/p>\n Being a father requires intrinsic motivation<\/a>. You cannot expect, let alone crave recognition for a job well done, because nobody cares<\/em>. Nobody asked you to be a father, and society doesn’t do a good job in appreciating a man’s efforts when it comes to the family.<\/p>\n Gus Fring, from Breaking Bad<\/em>, sums up one version of what it takes to be a man today. Is it any wonder why so many men opt out of marriage and fatherhood?<\/p>\n Being a full-time parent can be so demanding that some parents actually crave the structure of work just to get a break from parenthood<\/a>. There\u2019s no off switch with full-time parenting. One distracted moment can lead to disaster.<\/p>\n So after years of pickups, drop-offs, cooking meals, teaching skills, and spending weekends away from friends, how do you let go of the guilt when you finally take a break? How do you give yourself permission to leave your family behind for a little personal leisure?<\/p>\n You start by comparing yourself to other parents, and follow a new framework I’ve created, in true American nerd fashion<\/a>.<\/p>\n When you become a stay-at-home father, you lose touch with the rhythms of normal working dads. Once your children enter school and you start meeting other parents, the contrast becomes obvious.<\/p>\n Most fathers are working full time. Supposedly, the average dad spends\u00a0just 60 to 80 minutes a day<\/a>\u00a0with their children. I know, it’s hard to believe, but that’s what the data says.<\/p>\n In contrast, a stay-at-home fathers spends anywhere from\u00a08 to 24 hours a day<\/strong>, depending on the age of the children and the occupation of their partner.<\/p>\n Do the math:<\/p>\n If you spend 12 hours a day caring for your child during the first three years, while the above-average dad spends about two, you’re putting in six times more daily time. In terms of total hours invested, those three years equal roughly\u00a018 years<\/strong>\u00a0of parenting time for the average dad.<\/p>\n In other words:<\/p>\n You are not falling behind by taking a break. You are still years ahead.<\/strong><\/p>\n Give yourself permission to rest. You have earned it.<\/p>\n Now that you know the general amount of time the average dad (or mom) spends with their children a day, it’s time to get granular. Just like how real estate is local, father time also depends by region. And you want to compare your efforts to your immediate peers.<\/p>\n Therefore, you must ask as many dads (or moms) you know about their work hours and travel schedules to understand how you compare. Here are some examples that I came across.<\/p>\n If I was still working in finance, I would probably travel to Asia two-to-four times a year for 14 \u2013 28 days. I’d probably also travel domestically for five days a month to see clients for a total of 74 \u2013 88 days away for work<\/strong>. Wow, that’s a lot if I wanted to give everything to my job and climb to the highest ranks.<\/p>\n After having children, I’d have to imagine I would limit my Asia trips to just twice a year for 20 days max. Then, maybe I’d send my junior colleague to see clients every other month to cut down my total domestic travel to 30 days. Although 50 days away from family a year still sounds like a lot, it seems much more reasonable than 74 \u2013 88 days away!<\/p>\n Once you understand how much other parents travel for work, both from the top down and bottom up, you can start building \u201ccredits\u201d for every trip you skip and every day you stay home.<\/p>\n This year, for example, there was a dad trip to another state. It ran from Thursday through Sunday, and my wife was totally fine with me going. But I skipped it. We had a parent\u2013teacher conference on Friday from 10 a.m. to 1:20 p.m., and I wanted to meet all eight teachers we had scheduled.<\/p>\n I also wanted to use the weekend to teach my kids tennis through Daddy Day Camp<\/a>. Public court access in San Francisco is tough, so Friday afternoon after the conferences was prime time to get out there.<\/p>\n By skipping that four-day trip, I built enough \u201ccredit\u201d to take a more meaningful six-day trip to Honolulu to surprise my father for his 80th birthday<\/a>. I still felt guilty leaving my family, but far less than if I had gone on the dad\u2019s boondoggle. I also put in extra time with the kids during those four days, even while feeling a bit sick, which helped reduce the guilt later. The more effort I put in upfront, the lighter the guilt became.<\/p>\n No matter how much your partner insists it\u2019s fine to take a weekend boondoggle with the guys or a business trip to New York for steak dinners and late night partying, some resentment will inevitably build. That is just human nature because solo-parenting is hard work!<\/p>\n Now let\u2019s build an actual formula so you can take action to feel great about more personal time away from the family. Use my formula as a baseline, and then adjust it to your individual family situation. <\/p>\n Include work trips, conferences, and boondoggles.<\/p>\n This becomes your guilt-free allowance to travel as a stay-at-home parent or take a break from parenting. For example, if you find the average working dad spends 30 days a year away for work, then you can take 15 days guilt free to do whatever the heck you want.<\/p>\n Why half? Because full-time working parents are providing financially. Travel is often part of their job, even though we all know workers no longer have to travel to build relationships or close deals after 2-3 years of Zoom meetings during COVID.<\/p>\n If you are not the main financial provider, you don’t get to travel and have the same number of days the average working parent gets. Half the average is a fair split.<\/p>\n A FIRE parent<\/a> is someone who retires earlier than normal so they can be a full-time parent\u00a0while still serving as the main financial provider<\/em>. This is different from a full-time parent who steps away from their career entirely while their partner continues working. <\/p>\n If you are both the main financial provider\u00a0and<\/em>\u00a0the stay-at-home parent, then it\u2019s only fair that you get to take as many breaks or trips as the\u00a0average number of trips\u00a0taken by the five parents you surveyed.<\/p>\n If you happen to know five stay-at-home dads, you can also divide by one instead of two as well. Their averages will generally be lower, but also more aligned with your lifestyle reality.<\/p>\n That said, I still don\u2019t believe a FIRE dad should take\u00a0more<\/em>\u00a0days off than the average stay-at-home dad, even though he\u2019s also the financial provider. Part of the FIRE mindset is maintaining high standards and outperforming the average in both dimensions.<\/p>\n If you reached financial independence so you could spend more time with your children, understand that your lifestyle is rare. FIRE is already rare, but FIRE parenting<\/a> is even more so given how much it costs to raise a family nowadays.<\/p>\n The discipline it takes to become financially independent<\/a> is not easy. The discipline to then spend the next 18 years raising your children full-time is even rarer.<\/p>\n However, if you never take a break, resentment eventually builds. You may start comparing your arrangement to households with a more balanced setup. Without finding a better balance, a marriage can easily break apartment.<\/p>\n You cannot sustain full-time parenthood long term without caring for yourself.<\/p>\n If you work full time and still travel for weeks or months each year, you have an incredibly supportive partner at home. Appreciate them. Solo-parenting for weeks on end is not easy. <\/p>\n If you are a full-time parent or FIRE parent who feels guilty<\/a> even thinking about taking a weekend away, remember this:<\/p>\n You have already spent more time with your children than many working parents will spend in a lifetime.<\/strong><\/p>\n Your presence, consistency, and sacrifice are already changing the trajectory of your children’s lives.<\/p>\n But none of it matters if you burn out.<\/p>\n A rested parent is a better parent. A resentful parent is a dangerous one.<\/p>\n Give yourself permission to step away. You deserve the rest. You deserve the freedom. And you deserve the same grace you give to everyone else.<\/p>\n If you’re a stay-at-home parent, how do you overcome the guilt of taking time for yourself? Do you think my formula is fair? If not, how would you adjust it? And for the working parents out there, how many days a year do you travel for work?<\/em><\/p>\n As stay-at-home parents, we carry the invisible load. We show up every day, even when we\u2019re exhausted. But the truth is, none of us can be present 24\/7. Whether you\u2019re traveling, working, or finally taking that long-overdue break, having the right life insurance means your family is protected no matter what.<\/p>\n That\u2019s where\u00a0Policygenius<\/a><\/strong>\u00a0comes in. It\u2019s my preferred life-insurance marketplace because it does all the comparison shopping for you, quickly, clearly, and at the lowest prices available. In minutes, you can compare top insurers side-by-side and get the coverage your family deserves.<\/p>\n If you\u2019ve spent years putting your family first, make sure you protect them with the same intention. Once my wife and I got matching 20-year term life insurance policies through Policygenius, we breathed a huge sigh of relief. They were affordable and enabled us to better focus on being present for our children. <\/p>\n Check your life-insurance rates today with Policygenius<\/a><\/strong>. Your future self, and your family, will thank you.<\/p>\n Listen and subscribe to The Financial Samurai podcast on\u00a0Apple<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0or\u00a0Spotify<\/strong><\/a>. I interview experts in their respective fields and discuss some of the most interesting topics on this site. Your shares, ratings, and reviews are appreciated.<\/p>\n To expedite your journey to financial freedom, join over 60,000 others and subscribe to the\u00a0free Financial Samurai newsletter<\/a><\/strong>. You can also get my posts in your e-mail inbox as soon as they come out by\u00a0signing up here<\/a><\/strong>. Everything is written based on firsthand experience and expertise.<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I was talking to a full-time mother the other day, and she was pissed. Her full-time working husband was heading out on yet another business trip. It was his third week-long trip that month, and she was over it. Their two kids missed their father, and she didn\u2019t think all the travel was truly necessary, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":317674,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[93],"tags":[30747,11506,15671,37891,542],"dealstore":[],"offerexpiration":[],"class_list":["post-317673","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-finance","tag-guilt","tag-overcome","tag-parent","tag-stayathome","tag-travel"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Challenge of Being a Stay-at-Home Father<\/h2>\n
![\"Gus](\"https:\/\/i2.wp.com\/financialsamurai.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/11\/breaking-bad.jpeg\")
<\/a>Step One: Compare Yourself to the Average Dad<\/strong> (Or Mom)<\/h2>\n
![\"Average](\"https:\/\/i2.wp.com\/financialsamurai.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/06\/average-time-spent-with-kids.jpeg\")
<\/figure>\nStep Two: Ask Other Dads (Or Moms) About Their Travel Schedules<\/strong><\/h2>\n
\n
My Estimated Annual Travel Schedule If I Was Still Working<\/h2>\n
Step Three: Build Travel or Time-Off Credits<\/strong><\/h2>\n
A Simple Formula That Helps You Take Time Away Without Guilt<\/strong><\/h2>\n
1. Ask five working dads (or moms) how many days they spend away from their family each year.<\/h3>\n
2. Calculate the average.<\/h3>\n
3. Divide that number by two.<\/h3>\n
When to Use a Divisor of One (Equal Travel) \u2013 When You Are a FIRE Parent<\/strong><\/h3>\n
Being a FIRE Dad Is Not Normal<\/h2>\n
\n
![\"Percentage](\"https:\/\/www.financialsamurai.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/11\/SR_2023.08.02_stay-at-home_1.png.webp\")
<\/a><\/figure>\nThere Is No Prize for Being a Martyr<\/h2>\n
Take Care Of Your Family, Even When You’re Not There <\/h2>\n
Subscribe To Financial Samurai\u00a0<\/h2>\n