If you\u2019ve made it this far in the story, you know I live in Toronto. Switching from the past to the present, because I\u2019ve been in Delhi the past 3 months and Instagram friends are curious if I\u2019ve moved back. Short answer \u2013 I haven\u2019t.\u00a0<\/p>\n
In October 2022, I returned home to Delhi to be with my family. I had a rocky start in Canada (If you\u2019re new here, my Moving to Canada series<\/a> has the entire back story, where I continue to share my experience and tell personal stories).\u00a0<\/p>\n My big, inspirational takeaway from 2022 is that \u201ckeep calm and carry on\u201d can be garbage advice. Specially if that\u2019s the advice you\u2019re giving yourself in order to keep moving when you don\u2019t feel okay.<\/p>\n Everything I had suppressed caught up with me this year when I was living alone in my very beloved apartment. I\u2019ve learnt that our body absorbs everything we\u2019re feeling. Grief and stress are the two that show up in the most visible of ways \u2013 through sleep deprivation, messed up eating habits, body aches, weight gain or loss. But what I didn\u2019t see coming was a plethora of other physical manifestations of illnesses \u2013 stuff that I don\u2019t yet feel comfortable sharing (I\u2019ll get there eventually).\u00a0<\/p>\n I had created a life I loved, in a neighbourhood I loved (you must\u2019ve heard this one at some point and I\u2019m pretty sure I am at least partially responsible for the rent increase in liberty village) but somehow it wasn\u2019t making me happy. I couldn\u2019t figure out why, because on paper everything was GREAT. So when I continued feeling unhappy and lost, I couldn\u2019t figure out why I felt that way. I kept feeling guilty about it because I SHOULD have been happy. I SHOULD have been living my best life. Maybe I was living it already, but my best life wasn\u2019t making me happy either (except the Backstreet Boys concert I went to last year \u2013 that made me v happy).\u00a0<\/p>\n This year was a culmination of everything I had worked for, for years. I had kept pushing when I was too emotionally drained to go on \u2013 because I felt I had something to prove. To whom? I have no idea.<\/p>\n The lovely life I was living was amazing on paper. I could do everything I wanted, afford to travel as much as my heart desired and pursue all my hobbies\/interests\/passions. But I did none of that. My personality changed, I went from being an over-energetic extrovert to an always-tired introvert. I don\u2019t make that statement lightly \u2013 I was always tired. I woke up tired and by lunch I had lost the will to do anything at all \u2013 finally by dinner, I was opening up boxes of frozen food and popping them in the oven. Sometimes forgetting to take them out at all and falling asleep with the oven still running. If you\u2019re curious, the food didn\u2019t catch fire but I found it completely charred the next morning. The science behind that fails me.\u00a0<\/p>\n I started forgetting entire conversations. I didn\u2019t text people back. I struggled to speak to people on the phone \u2013 including my parents. I made to-do lists all day and scratched nothing off. Routines went for a toss, closely followed by my health, enthusiasm and willingness to be around people. I slept SO MUCH and other days not at all. I didn\u2019t want to dress up or wear good clothes. I suddenly stopped being in front of a camera, stopped dancing, stopped leaving my apartment (sometimes for weeks).\u00a0<\/p>\n What was crazy though, was that I was totally okay around my close friends and family \u2013 I was my usual self, completely happy. Dancing, being stupid, being funny and \u2013 as is typical of me when I\u2019m happy \u2013 I was also loud, sarcastic and generally causing harmless trouble (some will disagree about the harmless part). It was the most bizarre thing \u2013 because I was happy sometimes, sad mostly and had NOT ONE REASON to be unhappy. And yet, I was miserable. I was really getting irritated with myself at that point. I had tried everything \u2013 candles, flowers, home decor, painting, reading, relaxation techniques.\u00a0 Even the Calm app, of which I am a big fan btw (please sponsor me). And yes, the small things I did every day made a huge difference to my day. My Nespresso machine (please sponsor me), the fresh flowers that I bought from a local flower shop nearby (grocery store flowers had the opposite effect), the cocktail and board game nights with my friends and my everlasting Mala candles (sponsors.. you get the drift by now). In these moments I was perfectly okay. I would do this strange thing where, when people were over I was suddenly so full of energy that I would start folding my laundry, cleaning my house and doing all those tasks that I had put off for days.\u00a0<\/p>\n This is called atypical depression, I recently learnt. Where I was oversleeping, tired, deeply unhappy, unable to focus on anything \u2013 but totally fine when I\u2019m around my close circle. Before this was diagnosed, I had struggled. Because not knowing what\u2019s going on with you is a terrifying feeling. It feels like this is how life will go on and this is what adulthood feels like. How underwhelming, I thought.\u00a0<\/p>\n Part of me felt like something needed medical attention, so I sought therapy. I quickly realized the problem went deeper than CBT. After months of struggling to figure out \u201cwhat was wrong with me\u201d I was finally able to get the right help. That too came after months of trying meditation, journaling, yoga and every possible self care exercise you can think of.\u00a0<\/p>\n I saw many doctors. Someone said it\u2019s stress, another said it\u2019s anxiety, yet another said it\u2019s grief, and one said it\u2019s trauma. That\u2019s when I lost faith in the Canadian medical system \u2013 because they all met me so briefly and were so willing to put me on random medication, that no one bothered to really get to the root of the problem.\u00a0<\/p>\n Until I finally came home and started seeing my current doctor, who after meeting me several times, diagnosed me with inflammation in the brain and atypical depression.<\/p>\n Coming home turned out to be the best decision for me. I now know that the root cause is inflammation. Inflammation in the brain and body, that I am already genetically predisposed to \u2013 but that often gets triggered due to \u201cstressors\u201d such as the loss of loved ones, in my case (or related issues). This has further caused physical illnesses, burnout and exhaustion.<\/p>\n I am still figuring out what my next steps should be \u2013 whether I should be here or in Canada, but have been advised to remain in India a little while longer. But as these things unfolded, I learnt a very important lesson.\u00a0<\/p>\n We are so \u201cby the book\u201d sometimes about our approach to life. I would have stayed in Canada and continued to suffer. Because I thought I had chosen to move, so going back home would be like moving backward in life. But boy, did life teach me otherwise.\u00a0 My best life lessons have also come from Bollywood, and we know SRK is never wrong \u2013 so as he puts it in Dear Zindagi, we sometimes choose the tougher option thinking we NEED to go through it or we SHOULD go through it, because that\u2019s the only way to reach our goals. But we can also take the easier option.\u00a0<\/p>\n For me that option was coming home and realizing I didn\u2019t care about proving anything to anyone if it was going to cost me my happiness. Taking a break from work to focus on health, even as early as at 30 years of age, is not \u201cunthinkable\u201d to me anymore.\u00a0<\/p>\n <\/p>\n I miss my friends and my apartment in Toronto. But I also know it\u2019s okay to regroup at any point and do the unconventional thing, because it\u2019s not \u201cbacktracking\u201d if it\u2019s helping you move forward. <\/p>\n If you\u2019ve made it this far in the story, you know I live in Toronto. Switching from the past to the present, because I\u2019ve been in Delhi the past 3 months and Instagram friends are curious if I\u2019ve moved back. Short answer \u2013 I haven\u2019t.\u00a0 In October 2022, I returned home to Delhi to be […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":317572,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[146621,146622,97442,122106,146623,122107,122110,100371],"tags":[383,50654],"dealstore":[],"offerexpiration":[],"class_list":["post-317571","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-canada-relocation","category-canada-relocation-story","category-latest","category-moving-to-canada","category-moving-to-canada-experience","category-moving-to-canada-from-india","category-moving-to-canada-tips","category-slider","tag-present","tag-stumbling"],"yoast_head":"\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.stumblingarounddelhi.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/73B072CB-753D-4795-B816-758E7FD0398B-169x300.jpg\")
<\/a><\/figure>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.stumblingarounddelhi.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/Screenshot-2023-01-13-at-8.46.05-PM-234x300.png\")
<\/a><\/figure>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.stumblingarounddelhi.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/Screenshot-2023-01-13-at-8.46.45-PM-225x300.png\")
<\/a><\/figure>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.stumblingarounddelhi.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/Screenshot-2023-01-13-at-8.46.15-PM-227x300.png\")
<\/a><\/figure>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.stumblingarounddelhi.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/IMG_7691-230x300.jpg\")
<\/a><\/figure>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.stumblingarounddelhi.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/Screenshot-2023-01-13-at-8.46.25-PM-223x300.png\")
<\/a><\/figure>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.stumblingarounddelhi.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/Screenshot-2023-01-13-at-8.46.35-PM-225x300.png\")
<\/a><\/figure>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/www.stumblingarounddelhi.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/Screenshot-2023-01-13-at-8.46.54-PM-242x300.png\")
<\/a><\/figure>\n<\/figure>\n