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<\/a><\/div>\n\nI became a man. Before that I was a little boy.<\/i><\/p>\n
\u2014 Adam Ant (Stuart Leslie Goddard)<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
Observed each year on November 19, International Men\u2019s Day<\/a> (IMD) celebrates the positive value men bring to the world, their families and communities, and raises awareness of men\u2019s health and well-being. The theme for 2025 is \u201cCelebrating Men and Boys.\u201d I was unsure how to approach the topic until my friend and fellow blogger Aimee Wilson suggested I think back to when I was a boy. What did I imagine my life would be like when I grew up? What did I want to be? <\/p>\n
For the purpose of this blog post I\u2019ll define \u201cwhen I was a boy\u201d as the period of my life up to and including 1979. I turned eighteen that March but I was far less mature than my age might suggest. I knew little of the world beyond my immediate family, school, and the local environment of West Derby on the outskirts of Liverpool. It was a pivotal year for me. My father died in April. I took my A-level exams in June, passed them all, and left for university in September. Before the year was out I\u2019d fallen in love and made friends who would shape my life for many years to come. <\/p>\n
What Did I Want to Be?<\/h3>\n
Eighteen is the earliest I can remember thinking seriously about my future. Before that, if you\u2019d asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I\u2019d probably have answered train driver or cowboy. You can blame Casey Jones<\/a> and the Cannonball Express for the former, my father\u2019s love of Westerns for the latter. Pushed for a third career choice, I might have said secret agent. I spent a lot of time watching TV shows such as Joe 90<\/a>, The Man From U.N.C.L.E.<\/a>, and The Champions<\/a>, the last heavily influenced by my youthful appreciation of Alexandra Bastedo in her role as Nemesis agent Sharron Macready. <\/p>\n
Nicknames<\/h3>\n
Before moving on, I\u2019ll touch on the subject of nicknames. That might seem off topic, but nicknames express how we\u2019re thought of by others, and how we think of ourselves. I wore glasses from the age of eleven, so it was natural to find myself referred to as Joe 90 for a while, referencing the show\u2019s eponymous hero, schoolboy Joe McClaine<\/a>, who becomes a World Intelligence Network agent. I didn\u2019t mind the epithet. As others have noted, the series\u2019 bespectacled protagonist \u201cboosted the self-confidence of young viewers who wore glasses. […] The name \u2018Joe 90\u2019 has become a popular term of endearment for both children and adults who wear glasses similar to Joe\u2019s.\u201d It beat Specky Four Eyes or Goggles. <\/p>\n
My only other childhood nickname was Nitram (my name in reverse) which was used by two of my classmates in secondary school. I never knew why. The pair were inseparable and \u2014 it\u2019s fair to say \u2014 odd. They conversed in a secret language of their own devising, although it occurs to me that it might have been nonsense and they only pretended to be saying anything meaningful to each other. Their calling me Nitram was innocuous enough, although I recall an incident when one of them sliced through the strap of my army surplus backpack with a Stanley knife as he walked past my desk. Decades later I learned that the nickname has darker connotations. The 2021 movie Nitram<\/a> tells the disturbing story of Martin Bryant (mocked as Nitram as a child) and his involvement in the 1996 Port Arthur massacre. Bryant killed thirty-five people and wounded twenty-three more in the deadliest massacre by a single person in modern Australian history. <\/p>\n
I was known simply as Martin through university and adult life until one day in 2011 when my new friend Fran asked, \u201cDoes anyone call you Marty?\u201d In that moment a new nickname \u2014 and a new me \u2014 was born. These days I\u2019ll answer to most things as long as it\u2019s not too rude. Nitram is off the cards, however. <\/p>\n
Things I Didn\u2019t Want to Be<\/h3>\n
Something I definitely didn\u2019t<\/i> want to be when I grew up was a professional footballer. I was useless at team sports but nursed a futile desire to fit in. Hence my nominal support for my local football (soccer) team and subscription to such magazines as Shoot<\/i> and Goal<\/i>. I cringe at the photograph of me standing awkwardly in my Liverpool FC strip in the garden of my family home. (ChatGPT: \u201cYou appear to be a young child in this photo, likely around seven to nine years old.\u201d) It evokes the smell of Dubbin and the loathed ritual of cleaning my mud-encrusted boots from the previous week\u2019s PE lesson in preparation for the next. <\/p>\n
Then as now, my life was defined more by things I didn\u2019t want than things I desired or hoped for. I had no idea what kind of career I wanted. My father was distribution manager at Distillers Company Ltd (DCL). That didn\u2019t appeal to me, although I have one very clear memory of visiting his office and playing on the huge (as they seemed to me at the time) mechanical typewriters. A foreshadowing, perhaps, of my much later employment in the IT Services industry. Dad\u2019s brother, my Uncle Jack, was an architect. That did appeal to me and fit in with my favourite school subject, Technical Drawing. I dropped TD, though, when I chose my A-level subjects and never seriously pursued architecture as a career. I have a near pathological aversion to regret, but it\u2019s interesting to wonder how things might have gone had I chosen differently. <\/p>\n
The Next Most Obvious Step<\/h3>\n
The first time I gave any serious thought to my future was when I applied to university. There was no pressure to do so \u2014 I was the first in my family to go to university and very few of my classmates chose to remain in education beyond the age of eighteen \u2014 but to me it seemed the obvious next step. I\u2019ve done that throughout my life. Taken the next most obvious step, the path of least resistance, without considering if it was what I wanted or where it might lead. <\/p>\n
Having decided to go to university, I chose my degree subject on a whim. I attended a careers evening at school with no idea of what or where I wanted to study. I came away having decided I\u2019d study pharmacy, on the sole basis that it matched the subjects I was studying at A-level: chemistry, pure and applied mathematics, and physics. The fact that a degree in pharmacy led naturally to a career in pharmaceutical general practice, hospital pharmacy, or industry was a plus, but I wasn\u2019t planning for a career as a pharmacist. I simply didn\u2019t look that far ahead. <\/p>\n
As for the university itself all I knew was it wouldn\u2019t be Liverpool. I chose Bradford because it was the only university offering pharmacy as a four year sandwich course. I had no idea if that was a good or a bad thing, but it helped me make up my mind. These days I seriously wonder how real the illusion of free will is. <\/p>\n
\u201cWhere Do You See Yourself?\u201d<\/h3>\n
Career path aside, how did I feel about my future life when I was in my teens? How did I see myself as a man in years to come? The simplest answer is, I didn\u2019t think about it. The jaded interview question \u201cWhere do you see yourself in five years\u2019 time?\u201d still terrifies and confuses me. How can anyone see themself in the future? It hasn\u2019t happened yet. I gave no thought to where I might end up living. Apart from a six month university placement I never returned to Liverpool and rarely looked back. I\u2019ve always lived in or on the outskirts of major cities \u2014 Liverpool, Bradford, London, Newcastle \u2014 but where I live has never seemed all that important. Relatedly, perhaps, I had no desire to travel, even in my teens and twenties when many seem keen to travel as far and as frequently as possible. <\/p>\n
Love and Longing<\/h3>\n
How about relationships? What did I imagine for myself romantically, emotionally, sexually? I once accidentally ticked the \u201cgay\/homosexual\u201d box on an application form and decided not to bother correcting it but I\u2019ve never had cause to question my sexuality (straight\/heterosexual) or gender. I remember thinking that one day I\u2019d be married with a family. It was an assumption as much as a desire. Getting married and having children was what adults did, at least in my very limited experience. I had one spinster aunt but all my other aunts and uncles were married or widowed. Two of my older cousins were married by the time I left home. Another wanted to be a nun. <\/p>\n
I began university with negligible experience of women or what it meant to be in any kind of relationship. I\u2019d never had a girlfriend and had no female friends. I can thank the single-sex secondary education system for that, although I don\u2019t remember having girls as friends at junior school either. Throughout my teens I carried a torch for one of my junior school classmates but nothing came of it. (It was more of a candle, really. One of those novelty birthday candles that refuses to be blown out and has to be forcibly snuffed between finger and thumb or dropped into a glass of water.) My first slow dances were on the final night of a youth club week away in Wales when I was sixteen or seventeen. I remember being entranced by Siobhan, a girl my age who I played backgammon with on a writing weekend organised by schools in the region. I wrote a poem for her which she never saw. <\/p>\n
\nThe brush of femininity
and the way you catch back
your hair makes mockery
of the dice\u2019s favour, <\/p>\nand who would wrench victory from so delicate a grasp?<\/p>\n
\u2014 from \u201cStrategem\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
I had a major crush on my human biology teacher in Sixth Form. Helen had a significant impact on me, both work-wise and creatively. I achieved a grade A in my Human Biology AS level exams and passed Biology O level after teaching myself the entire syllabus during the summer holidays. As \u201cEleanor\u201d she inspired some of my best early poetry. My first celebrity crush was Irish singer and 1970 Eurovision Song Contest winner Dana. (Rosemary Brown, who later served as a Member of the European Parliament.) It\u2019s no coincidence that Dana and Helen were very similar in appearance. Dana\u2019s 1976 album Love Songs & Fairytales<\/a> was one of the first LPs I ever owned. The music and album art still move me, especially her cover of the 10cc classic \u201cI\u2019m Not in Love.\u201d When Helen departed the school on maternity leave my focus switched to another of the teachers. I was just wise enough to recognise that the affection I felt towards these women spoke to deeper needs. <\/p>\n
\nIt may be that I do require someone to cherish,
someone in whom I may find inspiration and mature.
However, she is no mere substitute for
her, though indeed my loss has shown her dearer.
These new emotions may be less aesthetic, but they are no
less real for that.
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Full fealty is lost, but still I offer tribute:
now to a deeper woman.<\/p>\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0Treat me then gently, perilous in your dark beauty:
that which Eleanor inspired you may command.
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0And would I lose my heart, I gave it gladly.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\nThe fantasy novels of J.\u00a0R.\u00a0R. Tolkien influenced me greatly through my teenage years. Arwen (developed far more in the later movies than in the books), Galadriel, and \u00c9owyn present as strong independent women, but it was Tom Bombadil\u2019s wife Goldberry that my heart responded to most ardently. <\/p>\n
\nIn a chair, at the far side of the room facing the outer door, sat a woman. Her long yellow hair rippled down her shoulders; her gown was green, green as young reeds, shot with silver like beads of dew; and her belt was of gold, shaped like a chain of flag-lilies set with the pale-blue eyes of forget-me-nots. About her feel in wide vessels of green and brown earthenware, white water-lilies were floating, so that she seemed to be enthroned in the midst of a pool.<\/p>\n
\u2014 J.\u00a0R.\u00a0R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring<\/i>, \u201cIn the House of Tom Bombadil\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
There\u2019s an echo of Goldberry in another of <\/p>\n
my poems. <\/p>\n
\nby a brook stands my lady, hair flowing
free, dark memories washed away by sleeping:
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0her dreams the the colour of tall trees in autumn,
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0tall trees weeping.<\/p>\n\u2014 from \u201clo, the lady walks in my heart\u2019s garden\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
My feelings owed a good deal to the medieval concept of courtly love<\/a> (French: amour courtois) which emphasized chivalrous adoration from afar. The opening lines of a poem written during my first year at university make this connection explicit. <\/p>\n
\nPoetry was easy when
I called the tune<\/p>\nl\u2019amour courtois, ma belle H\u00e9l\u00e8ne \u2026<\/p>\n
Now \u2018Eleanor\u2019 respells her name
and wraps thus mystery
in different garb.<\/p>\n\u2014 from \u201cPoetry was easy when\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
That poem marked a watershed. My earlier romantic devotion lay behind me. I was looking ahead to the (slightly) more realistic prospect of finding love amongst my contemporaries. As another line in the poem declares, \u201cfaded denim for the lady.\u201d <\/p>\n
My Role as a Man<\/h3>\n
Three years ago I explored what being a man means to me<\/a>. I\u2019ve also written about men who inspire me<\/a> and some of the qualities and men I admire<\/a>. Those were all written from my perspective as a man in his sixties. What did I know about such things when I was in my teens? My father\u2019s chronic arthritis meant he wasn\u2019t active or sporty but he was the financial provider for the family and very much the head of the household. In Being a Man<\/a> I mentioned the second husband of one of my older cousins. I didn\u2019t know him well but his devotion to my cousin and her daughters from her first marriage served as a role model to me in later years. <\/p>\n
Tolkien\u2019s works immersed me in Middle-earth, a world populated by such heroes as Aragorn, Boromir, Faramir, and \u00c9omer. All were courageous warriors, men of action \u2014 and notably single. Aragorn\u2019s love for Arwen is a backstory in the books and there\u2019s an air of dynastic necessity in the joining of Mannish and Elven lines. The hobbits Bilbo, Frodo, Samwise, Merry, and Pippin are likewise all single, until Sam marries Rosie at the end of the story. The unspoken but nonetheless potent message was that, for men at least, life is lived best by the unwed. Marriage, if it happens at all, is for afterwards, once the adventures are over, the foes vanquished, the prophesies fulfilled, and the dreams realised. <\/p>\n
Only much later, in a short story written in 2003, did I realise that the true hero of Tolkien\u2019s world was not Aragorn, Boromir, Faramir, or Frodo, but Sam. In the following excerpt from \u201cAnd Men Myrtles\u201d the lead character William (Bill) Stokes finally understands the nature of his role supporting his wife through her battle with cancer, and finds healing for the pain and guilt he\u2019s carried since her death.<\/p>\n
\nAnd it came to him, hard and sudden. If the second acorn \u2014 this tiny oak tree in the plastic carrier at his feet \u2014 was the gift of the Lady then he was Samwise Gamgee. Not warrior but steadfast companion, whose hands were not those of a healer but gardener of a line of gardeners.<\/p>\n
In that moment he saw himself through Joan\u2019s eyes. She didn\u2019t see \u2014 hadn\u2019t seen \u2014 him as a failure, hadn\u2019t hated him for failing to make the disease go away. They had been married twenty-seven years and he had been what she needed him to be. Faithful friend, truest companion on the longest road. He was her Sam.<\/p>\n
Not Aragorn, damn his eyes. Sam. The hands of a gardener.<\/i><\/p>\n
Bill Stokes, grower of things. He knew at last what the last tree was for.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
It remains one of my favourite short stories. Fiction has allowed me to explore such themes as devotion, service, obsession, sexual desire, reward and retribution, hatred and violence. Bill Stokes is deeply flawed and many of his flaws are my own. But he\u2019s not without awareness and finds hope before the end. <\/p>\n
\nLast of all she would look at him with those velvet eyes and that smile, expecting him to be there. And he would say nothing because there would be nothing to say, but fall into step behind her as they followed the party down the gravel path to gather at Tolkien\u2019s grave. There, at the head of the tidy plot, small still but proudly the little oak would open its leaves as William reached out his hand and found hers. She would look enquiring up at him until understanding dawned in those ageless eyes. That was how it would be. But before then he had a lot to do.<\/p>\n
Stepping from the kerb, he did not see the car until it was too late.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
Like Bill, the boy some called Joe 90 still has a lot to do. Unlike Bill (spoiler alert) I hope the man he became will have time to do so. I\u2019ve shared my thoughts elsewhere on turning sixty-four<\/a>. I\u2019ve drafted my obituary<\/a> and intend to write a eulogy for this life which \u2014 hopefully \u2014 is far from complete. In the meantime, I\u2019m grateful to Aimee for suggesting this blog post. It\u2019s given me a lot to think about and surfaced some warm \u2014 and some less than warm \u2014 memories. Thank you. <\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
Photos by my father Norman William Baker (left), University of Bradford Student Union Card (centre), and Martin Baker (right).<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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Before that I was a little boy. \u2014 Adam Ant (Stuart Leslie Goddard) Observed each year on November 19, International Men\u2019s Day (IMD) celebrates the positive value men bring to the world, their families and communities, and raises awareness of men\u2019s health and well-being. The theme for 2025 is \u201cCelebrating Men […]","og_url":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=313038","og_site_name":"Som2ny Network","article_published_time":"2025-11-23T06:20:34+00:00","og_image":[{"width":1200,"height":453,"url":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/11\/1000022897.jpg","type":"image\/jpeg"}],"author":"admin","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"admin","Est. reading time":"15 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"Article","@id":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=313038#article","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=313038"},"author":{"name":"admin","@id":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/#\/schema\/person\/b85e3c3dc0e1daea076524dc8810c371"},"headline":"Celebrating the Boy I Was and the Man I Would Become","datePublished":"2025-11-23T06:20:34+00:00","mainEntityOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=313038"},"wordCount":3025,"commentCount":0,"publisher":{"@id":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/#organization"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=313038#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/11\/1000022897.jpg","keywords":["boy","Celebrating","Man"],"articleSection":["#IMD","boy","Boyhood","International Men's Day","Men","Men's Health","Men's mental health"],"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"CommentAction","name":"Comment","target":["https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=313038#respond"]}]},{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=313038","url":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=313038","name":"Celebrating the Boy I Was and the Man I Would Become - 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