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If somebody is working on themselves and changing for the better, it\u2019s unnecessary to keep bringing up their past. People can change and grow. You know that\u2019s true. But have you given yourself<\/strong> a fair chance to change and grow, too?<\/p>\n Have you loosened your grip on what\u2019s behind you, so you can step forward?<\/p>\n If you\u2019re shaking your head, you aren\u2019t alone. At times we all fall victim to our attachments. We simply don\u2019t realize how often we block our own present blessings by holding on to everything so tightly.<\/p>\n Thus, it\u2019s time for a quick true story about life and letting go\u2026<\/p>\n She rarely makes eye contact. Instead, she looks down at the ground. Because the ground is safer. Because unlike people, it expects nothing in return. She doesn\u2019t have to feel ashamed about her past. The ground just accepts her for who she is right now.<\/p>\n As she sits at the bar next to me, she stares down at her vodka tonic, and then the ground, and then her vodka tonic. \u201cMost people don\u2019t get me,\u201d she says. \u201cThey ask me questions like, \u2018What\u2019s your problem?\u2019 or \u2018Were you beaten as a child?\u2019 But I never respond. Because I don\u2019t feel like explaining myself. And I don\u2019t think they really care anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n Just then, a young man sits down at the bar on the opposite side of her. He\u2019s a little drunk and says, \u201cYou\u2019re pretty. May I buy you a drink?\u201d She stays silent and looks back down at the ground. After an awkward moment, he accepts the rejection, gets up, and walks away.<\/p>\n \u201cWould you prefer that I leave too?\u201d I ask. \u201cNo,\u201d she says without glancing upward. \u201cBut I could use some fresh air. You don\u2019t have to come, but you can if you want to.\u201d I follow her outside and we sit on a street curb in front of the bar.<\/p>\n \u201cBrrr\u2026 it\u2019s a really chilly night!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cTell me about it,\u201d she says while maintaining her usual downward gaze. The warm vapor from her breath cuts through the cold air and bounces off of the ground in front of her. \u201cSo why are you out here with me? I mean, wouldn\u2019t you rather be inside in the warmth, talking to normal people about normal things?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m out here because I want to be. Because I\u2019m not normal. And look, I can see my breath, and we\u2019re in San Diego. That\u2019s not normal either. Oh, and you\u2019re wearing old Airwalk sneakers, and so am I \u2014 which may have been normal in 1994, but not anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n She glances up at me and smirks, this time exhaling her breath upward into the moonlight. \u201cI see you\u2019re wearing a ring. You\u2019re married, right?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah,\u201d I reply. \u201cMy wife, Angel, is just getting off work now and heading here to meet me for dinner.\u201d<\/p>\n She nods her head and then looks back at the ground. \u201cWell, you\u2019re off the market\u2026 and safe, I guess. So can I tell you a story?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m listening.\u201d<\/p>\n As she speaks, her emotional gaze shifts from the ground, to my eyes, to the moonlit sky, to the ground, and back to my eyes again. This rotation continues in a loop for the duration of her story. And every time her eyes meet mine she holds them there for a few seconds longer than she did on the previous rotation.<\/p>\n I don\u2019t interject once. I listen to every word. And I assimilate the raw emotion present in the tone of her voice and in the depth of her eyes.<\/p>\n When she finishes, she says, \u201cWell, now you know my story. You think I\u2019m a freak, don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cPlace your right hand on your chest,\u201d I tell her. She does. \u201cDo you feel something?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n \u201cYeah, I feel my heartbeat.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cNow close your eyes, place both your hands on your face, and move them around slowly.\u201d She does. \u201cWhat do you feel now?\u201d I ask.<\/p>\n \u201cWell, I feel my eyes, my nose, my mouth\u2026 I feel my face.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s right,\u201d I reply. \u201cBut unlike you, stories don\u2019t have heartbeats, and they don\u2019t have faces. Because stories are not alive \u2014 they\u2019re not people. They\u2019re just stories.\u201d<\/p>\n She stares into my eyes for a prolonged moment, smiles sincerely and says, \u201cJust stories we live through.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYeah\u2026 And stories we learn from.\u201d<\/p>\n The woman from the story above became one of our very first students when Angel and I opened the doors to the original version of the Getting Back to Happy<\/em> course a decade ago, and she\u2019s now a friend of ours too. She has learned and applied many remarkable lessons over the years that ultimately allowed her to let go of her difficult past \u2014 her story \u2014 and move forward with her life. And last night I sat down with her over a cup of tea and had an in-depth, soul-centered conversation about what she has learned over the years. I\u2019m sharing her story and lessons with you today, with permission, because I know we all struggle in similar ways\u2026<\/p>\n Here are four hard, actionable lessons we discussed:<\/p>\n In the present moment we all have some kind of pain: anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, regret, etc.<\/p>\n Notice this pain within yourself, watch it closely, and see that it\u2019s caused by whatever story you have in your head about what happened in the past (either in the recent past or in the distant past). Your mind might insist that the pain you feel is caused by what happened (not by the story in your head about it), but what happened in the past is NOT happening right now. It\u2019s over. It has passed. But the pain is still happening right now because of the story you\u2019ve been subconsciously telling yourself<\/a> about that past incident.<\/p>\n Note that \u201cstory\u201d does not mean \u201cfake story.\u201d It also does not mean \u201ctrue story.\u201d The word \u201cstory\u201d in the context of your self-evaluation doesn\u2019t have to imply true or false, positive or negative, or any other kind of forceful judgment call. It\u2019s simply a process that\u2019s happening inside your head:<\/p>\n So just notice what story you have, without judging it, and without judging yourself. It\u2019s natural to have a story; we all have stories. See yours for what it is. And see that it\u2019s causing you pain. Then take a deep breath, and another\u2026<\/p>\n Inner peace begins the moment you take these deep breaths and choose not to allow the past to dominate your present thoughts and emotions. (Note:<\/strong> Angel and I discuss this process in more detail in the \u201cHappiness\u201d chapter of \u201c1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently\u201d<\/a> and throughout the guided journal, \u201cThe Good Morning Journal: Powerful Prompts & Reflections to Start Every Day\u201d<\/a>.)<\/em><\/p>\n All of the things from our past that we desperately try to hold on to, as if they\u2019re real, solid, everlasting fixtures in our lives, aren\u2019t really there. Or if they are there in some form, they\u2019re changing, fluid, impermanent, or simply imagined storylines in our minds.<\/p>\n Life gets a lot easier to deal with the moment we understand this.<\/p>\n Imagine you\u2019re blindfolded and treading water in the center of a large swimming pool, and you\u2019re struggling desperately to grab the edge of the pool that you think is nearby, but really it\u2019s not\u2014it\u2019s far away. Trying to grab that imaginary edge is stressing you out, and tiring you out, as you splash around aimlessly trying to holding on to something that isn\u2019t there.<\/p>\n Now imagine you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there\u2019s nothing nearby to hold on to. Just water around you. You can continue to struggle with grabbing at something that doesn\u2019t exist\u2026 or you can accept that there\u2019s only water around you, and relax, and float.<\/p>\n Today I challenge you to ask yourself:<\/p>\n Then imagine the thing you\u2019re trying to hold on to doesn\u2019t really exist. Envision yourself letting go\u2026 and just floating.<\/p>\n How might that change your life from this moment forward?<\/p>\n When we\u2019re still working through a painful experience from the past, it\u2019s easy to feel like we\u2019re going through it alone \u2014 like no one else could possibly understand how we feel. In a way, we subconsciously place ourselves at the center of the universe, and see everything that happened exclusively from the viewpoint of how it affects us personally, without regard for anyone else. But as we grow through our pain and gradually broaden our horizons,<\/a> we begin to see that our self-centered thinking is only fueling our misery. And we realize that shifting our focus onto others for a while can help.<\/p>\n It\u2019s one of life\u2019s great paradoxes: when we serve others, we end up benefiting as much if not more than those we serve. So whenever you feel pain from the past trying to suck you back in, shift your focus from your circumstances to the circumstances of those near and far.<\/p>\n The simplest way of doing this at any given moment?<\/p>\n Practice letting your breath be an anchor for global healing. Breathe in whatever painful feeling you\u2019re feeling, and breathe out relief from that pain for everyone in the world who is suffering alongside you. For example:<\/p>\n Do this for a minute or two as often as you need to, imagining all the pain of those near and far coming in with each breath, and then a feeling of compassion and reconciliation radiating out to all of those who are in pain as you breathe out. Instead of running from your past and the pain it caused you, you\u2019re embracing it\u2026 you\u2019re letting yourself absorb it. And you\u2019re thinking of others as well, which gets you out of that miserable, self-centered mindset trap.<\/p>\n Even when your past \u2014 your story \u2014 tries to pull you back in, you can consciously do your best to focus on your present blessings. What do you see in your life right now? Be thankful for the good parts.<\/a> For your health, your family, your friends, or your home. Many people don\u2019t have these things.<\/p>\n Remind yourself that the richest human is rarely the one who has the most, but the one who needs less. Wealth is a daily mindset. Want less and appreciate more today. Easier said than done of course, but with practice gratitude does get easier. And as you practice, you transform your past struggles into present moments of freedom.<\/p>\n Ultimately, on the average day, happiness is letting go of what you assume your life is supposed to be like right now and sincerely appreciating it for everything that it is. So at the end of this day, before you close your eyes, be at peace with where you\u2019ve been and grateful for what you have right now. Life has goodness.<\/p>\n Again, the lessons above take practice to fully grasp in real time. So just do your best to bring awareness to this gradually \u2014 to practice \u2014 so you can let go one day at a time.<\/strong> Keep reminding yourself\u2026<\/p>\nWhen Our Old Stories Hold Us Back<\/h2>\n
Hard Lessons We Slowly Learn by Letting Go<\/h2>\n
1. You can have a heartbreaking story from the past without letting it dominate your present life.<\/h3>\n
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2. A big part of letting go is simply realizing there\u2019s nothing to hold on to in the first place.<\/h3>\n
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3. The subtle pain you continue to feel can be healed through compassion for those suffering alongside you.<\/h3>\n
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4. There is always, always, always something to be grateful for.<\/h3>\n
Now it\u2019s your turn\u2026<\/h3>\n