\n<\/p>\n
Today is my 40th birthday.<\/p>\n
When I turned 30 a decade ago, I wrote an article sharing life lessons to survive your 20s<\/a> and crowd-sourced advice on how to excel in your 30s<\/a>. And apparently you guys loved it.<\/p>\n So, here\u2019s more of the good stuff: 40 life lessons I now know at 40 that I wish I knew at 20.<\/p>\n Dig in.<\/p>\n If you treat yourself poorly, then you will also unconsciously seek out and tolerate others who treat you poorly.<\/p>\n If you treat yourself with dignity and respect, then you will only tolerate others who treat you with dignity and respect.<\/p>\n Get right with yourself, get right with the world.<\/p>\n Respect is earned, not given.<\/p>\n The only rejection is not asking. The only mistake is not risking anything<\/a>.<\/p>\n Success<\/a> and failure are fuzzy concepts that only exist in your mind before you do something. Not after.<\/p>\n After the fact, everything will be a mixture of both. The only real failure<\/a> is doing nothing.<\/p>\n No single thing will solve all your problems. No goal<\/a>, no achievement, no relationship.<\/p>\n No one will ever fix you. You will always feel mildly inadequate and somewhat dissatisfied with your life.<\/p>\n Nothing is wrong with you for feeling this way.<\/p>\n On the contrary, it might be the most normal thing about you.<\/p>\n If you want a healthy and fit partner, then be healthy and fit yourself. If you want a loyal and trustworthy partner, then be loyal and trustworthy yourself.<\/p>\n To put it another way, would you date you?<\/p>\n If not, then that\u2019s a fucking problem.<\/p>\n I\u2019m talking about health, wealth<\/a>, knowledge, confidence, relationships.<\/p>\n These things will frustrate you when you\u2019re young because they are slow.<\/p>\n But if you start building them from a young age and you don\u2019t stop, by the time you\u2019re in your 30s and 40s you will have an incredible life.<\/p>\n These things start out extremely fun, but then have intense diminishing returns.<\/p>\n When you\u2019re young, these things distract you and occupy a lot of your time and attention. I\u2019m talking about social media<\/a>, casual sex<\/a>, drugs and alcohol<\/a>, video games, gambling, vacations, and blowjobs.<\/p>\n The first time is incredible. The second time is almost as good. But then it\u2019s all downhill from there.<\/p>\n Be sure to experience all of these things for a little bit, but then quickly move on.<\/p>\n Well, except the blowjobs. Don\u2019t move on from the blowjobs.<\/p>\n Our world is overflowing with stimulation<\/a> and opportunity.<\/p>\n If you aren\u2019t struggling to turn down options, then you haven\u2019t correctly prioritized what matters to you.<\/p>\n Most people assume that if you take responsibility<\/a> for all the pain in your life, then you will just feel worse about it.<\/p>\n But the opposite is actually true. The more responsibility you take, the more you empower yourself to actually do something about that pain.<\/p>\n That\u2019s because\u2026<\/p>\n When you blame someone else for your problems, you\u2019re giving them power over you. You\u2019re allowing them to define and dictate your happiness<\/a> and well-being.<\/p>\n This is fucking stupid, so don\u2019t do it.<\/p>\n It\u2019s not worth it.<\/p>\n A rich man doesn\u2019t feel the need to show people he\u2019s rich.<\/p>\n A smart man doesn\u2019t feel the need to tell people he\u2019s smart.<\/p>\n A confident person<\/a> doesn\u2019t have to show people he\u2019s confident. He just is.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t say it. Be it.<\/p>\n If you want to feel motivated<\/a> to do something, take the smallest action<\/a> towards doing it.<\/p>\n Then let the momentum carry you forward.<\/p>\n You don\u2019t wait until you have a perfect relationship to commit to a person.<\/p>\n You commit to the person in order to create the perfect relationship.<\/p>\n You don\u2019t wait until you find something<\/a> you love doing.<\/p>\n You learn to do something well, and the process of developing competency and agency then causes you to become passionate about it.<\/p>\n The house you buy is the house you repair. The dream job<\/a> you take is the job you stress over.<\/p>\n Everything comes with an inherent sacrifice. Whatever makes us feel good will inevitably also make us feel bad.<\/p>\n Nuff said.<\/p>\n You don\u2019t work out to lose a few pounds or earn that hamburger or an ice cream. With this mindset, you will lose motivation quickly<\/a> and quit.<\/p>\n Instead, view exercise as an investment. For every unit of energy you put in, you will receive multiple units of energy back.<\/p>\n The catch is that these units of energy you get back will be spread out over weeks, months, and years.<\/p>\n This is why exercising hardcore occasionally is far inferior to exercising a little bit every day.<\/p>\n Most people are good. And while you might get hurt or embarrassed sometimes, the alternative is just way worse.<\/p>\n Warren Buffett has money problems. A homeless guy has money problems.<\/p>\n Buffett\u2019s money problems are way more desirable than the homeless guy\u2019s. But problems don\u2019t just disappear, they get exchanged and upgraded for better problems as you grow and evolve.<\/p>\n The solution to today\u2019s problem will be the seed of tomorrow\u2019s.<\/p>\n Set your expectations accordingly.<\/p>\n On the contrary, growth is usually painful<\/a> to some degree.<\/p>\n That\u2019s because growth requires loss\u2014a loss of your old values<\/a>, your old behaviors, your old loves<\/a>, your old identity.<\/p>\n Change always has a component of grief to it, so be sure to let yourself grieve<\/a>.<\/p>\n Statistically speaking, a normal person is physically unhealthy, emotionally anxious and depressed<\/a>, socially lonely<\/a>, and financially in debt.<\/p>\n So yeah, fuck being normal.<\/p>\n We are defined by what we give up, what we sacrifice, and what we reject.<\/p>\n If you sacrifice nothing and reject nothing, then you have no identity. You are merely a reflection of the preferences and demands of the people around you.<\/p>\n In other words, if you don\u2019t decide who you are, other people will decide for you.<\/p>\n Your identity is a self-constructed mental prison, confining you to a life of desperately seeking and finding things to validate whatever you\u2019ve chosen to become.<\/p>\n Define yourself as loosely and ambiguously<\/a> as possible. You will feel less defensive towards the world and be willing to change when it\u2019s necessary.<\/p>\n You have no fucking idea what they\u2019ve been through.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t make assumptions about yourself either. Chances are you have no idea what you\u2019re talking about<\/a>.<\/p>\n The last person we\u2019re objective about is ourselves.<\/p>\n Whatever you\u2019re insecure about, chances are 99% of people around you haven\u2019t even noticed it.<\/p>\n This is because everybody else is too busy thinking about themselves.<\/p>\n This may strike you as a little bit depressing, but it\u2019s actually liberating. It means that you are judged far less than you think.<\/p>\n There\u2019s a word for someone who feels a need to succeed in everything: a fucking narcissist<\/a>.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t be a narcissist. Embrace your flaws. Embrace failure.<\/p>\n This will grant you the freedom to do what needs to be done, even if it\u2019s unpopular.<\/p>\n Part of the price of having impact is some hate. And usually that hate is proportional to the impact.<\/p>\n Look, I know I sound like your mom right now, but trust me, in 20 years you\u2019re going to be thanking me.<\/p>\n Any overnight success is secretly the result of quietly working in obscurity for years, if not decades.<\/p>\n You\u2019re also choosing a confidant, counselor, career advisor, therapist<\/a>, investor, teacher, travel buddy, roommate, best friend<\/a>, business partner.<\/p>\n And no, I\u2019m not saying you should make your partner be all these things.<\/p>\n I\u2019m saying whether you want to or not, your partner is going to become all of these things. That\u2019s what a relationship is.<\/p>\n So choose fucking wisely.<\/p>\n Love doesn\u2019t fix relationship problems. It doesn\u2019t make trust issues go away.<\/p>\n The truth is, love can harm as much as it heals. It\u2019s an amplifier. It makes a good relationship<\/a> better and a bad relationship<\/a> much worse.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t get me wrong, love is great. Love is beautiful when it works.<\/p>\n But to make a healthy relationship, by itself love is not enough<\/a>.<\/p>\n Every good relationship is built off the back of years of trust<\/a>.<\/p>\n Every failed relationship fails because of broken trust.<\/p>\n Therefore, honesty and integrity are the backbones of a life of healthy relationships and therefore happiness<\/a>.<\/p>\n Dishonesty and a lack of integrity might be a shortcut to some short-term gains, but you\u2019re completely fucking yourself in the long run, so fucking stop it.<\/p>\n Speaking of which\u2026<\/p>\n Newsflash: you\u2019re<\/em> the fucking problem.<\/p>\n Every emotion<\/a> can be used constructively or destructively.<\/p>\n1. Your relationship with others is a direct reflection of your relationship with yourself<\/h3>\n
2. The only way to feel better about yourself is to do things worth feeling good about<\/h3>\n
3. The only failure is not trying<\/h3>\n
4. No one is coming to save you<\/h3>\n
5. Be the partner you want to have<\/h3>\n
6. The most valuable things in life compound over a long period of time<\/h3>\n
7. The most sexy and exciting things in life are the opposite<\/h3>\n
8. If you\u2019re not turning down things that excite you, then you\u2019re not focused enough on what matters<\/h3>\n
9. Taking responsibility for all of your problems alleviates more suffering than it creates<\/h3>\n
10. You give power to who you blame<\/h3>\n
11. If you have to tell someone you\u2019re that, then you\u2019re not<\/em> that<\/h3>\n
12. Motivation is not the cause of action, but the effect<\/h3>\n
13. Love is not the cause of commitment, but the effect<\/h3>\n
14. Passion is not the cause of good work, but the effect<\/h3>\n
15. The person you marry is the person you fight with<\/h3>\n
16. A happy life is not a life without stress. It\u2019s a life of meaningful stress<\/h3>\n
17. Don\u2019t view exercise as an exchange for something<\/h3>\n
18. Trust people<\/h3>\n
19. There\u2019s no such thing as a life without problems<\/h3>\n
20. Growth is rarely accompanied by joy and celebration<\/h3>\n
21. Fuck being normal<\/h3>\n
22. If you can\u2019t say no, then your yeses mean nothing<\/h3>\n
23. Be careful how you define yourself<\/h3>\n
24. Don\u2019t make assumptions about people<\/h3>\n
25. No one thinks about you as much as you think about yourself<\/h3>\n
26. Confidence does not come from an expectation of success. It comes from a comfort with failure<\/h3>\n
27. Develop a willingness to be disliked<\/h3>\n
28. You cannot be a life-changing presence to some people without also being a complete fucking joke to others<\/h3>\n
29. Floss and wear sunscreen every day<\/h3>\n
30. Extraordinary results come from repeating ordinary actions over an inordinate amount of time<\/h3>\n
31. Choosing a partner is not about romance<\/h3>\n
32. Don\u2019t overestimate romantic love<\/h3>\n
33. Trust is the currency of all relationships<\/h3>\n
34. If all of your relationships have the same problem\u2026<\/h3>\n
35. There\u2019s no such thing as a bad emotion, only a bad response to an emotion<\/h3>\n