{"id":299341,"date":"2025-06-17T20:02:45","date_gmt":"2025-06-17T20:02:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/peraltafinancing.com\/uncategorized\/discipline-isnt-working-3-common-reasons-and-what-to-do-instead\/"},"modified":"2025-06-17T20:02:45","modified_gmt":"2025-06-17T20:02:45","slug":"discipline-isnt-working-3-common-reasons-and-what-to-do-instead","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=299341","title":{"rendered":"Discipline Isn&#8217;t Working &#8211; 3 Common Reasons and What To Do Instead"},"content":{"rendered":"<p> <br \/>\n<\/p>\n<div>\n<div class=\"post-image\">\n     <a href=\"https:\/\/www.janetlansbury.com\/2025\/06\/discipline-isnt-working-3-common-reasons-and-what-to-do-instead\/\" title=\"Discipline Isn\u2019t Working \u2013 3 Common Reasons and What To Do Instead\"><br \/>\n        <img width=\"500\" height=\"500\" src=\"https:\/\/d3tkwokssgv28o.cloudfront.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/02162206\/74-500x500.png\" class=\"attachment-top-slider size-top-slider wp-post-image\" alt=\"\" decoding=\"async\" fetchpriority=\"high\" srcset=\"https:\/\/d3tkwokssgv28o.cloudfront.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/02162206\/74-500x500.png 500w, https:\/\/d3tkwokssgv28o.cloudfront.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/02162206\/74-300x300.png 300w, https:\/\/d3tkwokssgv28o.cloudfront.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/02162206\/74-1024x1024.png 1024w, https:\/\/d3tkwokssgv28o.cloudfront.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/02162206\/74-150x150.png 150w, https:\/\/d3tkwokssgv28o.cloudfront.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/02162206\/74-768x768.png 768w, https:\/\/d3tkwokssgv28o.cloudfront.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/02162206\/74-234x234.png 234w, https:\/\/d3tkwokssgv28o.cloudfront.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/02162206\/74-200x200.png 200w, https:\/\/d3tkwokssgv28o.cloudfront.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/02162206\/74-120x120.png 120w, https:\/\/d3tkwokssgv28o.cloudfront.net\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/05\/02162206\/74.png 1080w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 500px) 100vw, 500px\"\/> <\/a>\n<\/div>\n<p>Effective discipline can be confusing! It can feel like we\u2019re working so hard to be caring, empathetic, and patient with our kids\u2014and not lose our temper\u2014yet still, the challenging behaviors keep happening. And then when we try to set boundaries, our child has a meltdown that seems to last forever. What are we doing wrong? In this episode of \u201cUnruffled\u201d Janet explores three common reasons our attempts at respectful discipline can end up being ineffective. She suggests nuanced adjustments that can make all the difference. Her recommendations will not only help to simplify our approach (for the win!) but also help our kids to feel safe, seen, and supported, deepening our parent-child bonds.<\/p>\n<p><iframe style=\"width: 100%; max-width: 660px; overflow: hidden; border-radius: 10px; background: transparent;\" src=\"https:\/\/embed.podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/id1030050704?i=1000709067528&amp;itsct=podcast_box_player&amp;itscg=30200&amp;ls=1&amp;theme=light\" height=\"175px\" frameborder=\"0\" sandbox=\"allow-forms allow-popups allow-same-origin allow-scripts allow-top-navigation-by-user-activation\"><\/iframe><\/p>\n<p><b>Transcript of \u201cDiscipline Isn\u2019t Working \u2013 3 Common Reasons and What To Do Instead\u201d<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Unruffled<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Today I\u2019m going to be talking about three common reasons that discipline doesn\u2019t work as we hope it will, meaning our responses to our child\u2019s behavior, the way we\u2019re handling it. Why does this keep happening? Why is the behavior maybe getting more pronounced? Why does this feel messy and unclear to me? What\u2019s going on?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I call these common reasons because we\u2019ll all fall into these kinds of responses, at one time or another at least. And besides these being about responses to behaviors, these are also reasons that have to do with feelings, like I\u2019m always talking about here. And that\u2019s because feelings, on some level, drive our behaviors. There are things that we do on automatic, where we\u2019re not thinking about it or feeling like we even want to do that, but we\u2019re just doing them, especially as we get older. But when it comes to children, the behaviors they have, especially the ones that we don\u2019t like so much, are driven by feelings and stress, right? Because that\u2019s how they get dysregulated and lose control. Their system gets overwhelmed.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I was thinking about this today: there\u2019s been such a change in the attitudes about feelings since I first started writing online in 2009. Back then, there was this sense\u2014not so much with the professionals, but parent-to-parent, which was the way blogs were then, they were mostly parents writing about their ideas and their suggestions for each other. And there was this real sense of shaming in the idea that someone\u2019s child was having meltdowns or as a baby was crying, that this meant that the parent was doing something wrong. They weren\u2019t breastfeeding enough, they weren\u2019t carrying their child enough, they weren\u2019t giving them enough connection.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So this evolution has been huge to where we are now, where it seems like everybody\u2019s talking about feelings and how important they are and how to let your child express them. And what often happens when there\u2019s a big evolution like this is that the pendulum swings a little too far in the opposite direction. And I feel like that\u2019s what\u2019s happening now, because it feels like there\u2019s such a focus on feelings that our role seems unclear. It feels like we should be doing so much around this, that it\u2019s so important.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But it\u2019s also life. I think it\u2019s Mooji that said, \u201cFeelings are just visitors. Let them come and go.\u201d And that kind of attitude is really, really healthy for us to have and for us to be teaching our children through our responses. <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Yeah, this one doesn\u2019t feel good and this one feels great and it\u2019s all normal.<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> It\u2019s not something I\u2019m responsible for making better. It\u2019s not something where I\u2019m worried about you and I\u2019ve got to wait until you get all the way through it and stop everything in my life. It\u2019s this really normal, healthy part of life. So I feel like that\u2019s getting lost in some of the ultra-focus that\u2019s being given to feelings. Which is for the most part, very, very positive, but can give that kind of impression like, <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ahh, this is such a big deal!<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I guess, of course, there are still circles where there\u2019s this disallowing of feelings and rejecting a child for them. <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You get what you get and you don\u2019t throw a fit<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, all of that. I guess there\u2019s even books about that for children, to teach them that this is just something that you control and you don\u2019t let happen. Well, I don\u2019t think I\u2019m getting those kinds of parents because they\u2019re probably not interested in what I\u2019m sharing here, which is really trying to look at the long term as far as our relationship with our children. Do we want to be somebody that they feel comfortable sharing with, that they don\u2019t feel judged for? Or, <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Just put that one away! I don\u2019t want you to feel that around me.<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> That\u2019s not the kind of relationship of communication that most of us want with our children and that trust and that closeness where they\u2019re going to confide in us. So while that kind of behavior-control stuff maybe seems helpful when kids are younger, it does not build the bond with us and the emotional help that we want our children to have.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Anyway, I just want to acknowledge that that\u2019s still out there, but it seems like a lot of us, or the people in my circles at least, are going maybe too far the opposite way and getting all cluttered about what\u2019s going on with how we\u2019re supposed to react to feelings and what we\u2019re supposed to do.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Here\u2019s the first of the three common reasons that discipline isn\u2019t working: <\/span><b>We react to the symptoms rather than addressing what\u2019s behind them.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> We\u2019re seeing all this behavior in our face. And because our child in so many ways seems so reasonable, it\u2019s hard to realize that this is absolutely not reasonable behavior, this is kooky behavior. And it\u2019s about our child feeling out of control.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I had an exchange with a parent around this on, I think it was Instagram, and I just want to share some of it here:<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Hi, Janet-<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I love your workbooks and podcast, it got us through a really hard 2.5 to 3.5 stretch. But alas, our four-year-old is driving the house insane. We do have a six-month-old baby, which she was doing okay with, but our beloved dog got sick and had to be put down at the end of March. This was combined with both grandparents being hospitalized, who live with us and she adores. So I know the reasoning, but it has been unbearable. My wife and I have been very ruffled lately, and all your teachings have gone out the window. We also got a nine-month-old dog unexpectedly, which adds to the stress.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">She is yelling constantly, defiant, doesn\u2019t listen at all, screams at the dog, the baby, strangers, the grandparents, etc. She\u2019s been rough with the baby (bit her once), physical with the dog, and is back to hitting and newly biting us. She is super smart, borderline gifted, and manipulative. Bedtime now takes two-plus hours, with screaming and yelling and running out of her room. When asked about her behavior, she says she doesn\u2019t know why. Lately I\u2019ve been trying to reintroduce your techniques, with some success. Tonight after going full exorcist demon mode at 9:00 p.m., she admitted in bed that she is sad every day because of the dog dying and misses her.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I really miss my sweet girl and I used to do so well with her. Now I\u2019m yelling at her and I don\u2019t know what to do. I feel so lost daily and like a failure as a parent. She\u2019s so out of control. Please help. She\u2019s a model citizen at pre-K, with no behavior problems.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This family is going through so much and it would be bizarre if the parents were just feeling fine and comfortable and their children were feeling just fine and comfortable. None of them are. And our children are especially affected by us, even more than by these outside factors. Their main influence in terms of how comfortable they are and how settled they feel and how well they\u2019re able to exert self-control is all based on us. Life happens and everything is going on right there, I feel for this family. If this wasn\u2019t all happening like this, I would be really, really surprised.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I wasn\u2019t able to say this to this parent because it was just a quick message exchange and I wanted to cut to the chase. But just to even see that as normal can help us. <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Well, this is totally expected. We don\u2019t love what\u2019s going on, but it\u2019s totally expected.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">What I said back to him, though, was:<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Thanks for your kind words. I feel like you nailed it right here: \u201cShe is so out of control.\u201d Yes, she\u2019s going through something, feels totally out of control, and I\u2019m certain she doesn\u2019t want to be behaving this way and angering her parents. It can help us to think about how we would help someone we cared about who was in this terribly uncomfortable position, not meaning the things she says and does. We wouldn\u2019t take the person\u2019s behavior reasonably. We\u2019d just try to help them out and minimize any damage they unwittingly do. It doesn\u2019t matter how intelligent she is. In fact, intelligent types are usually even more sensitive to losing control.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Let her yell but keep her protected from the dog, the baby, as much as possible. Can the baby be in a playpen or some other protected space? And can the dog be outside if you\u2019re not there to calmly intervene with the helplessly out of control behavior of your daughter? That\u2019s what will help this to pass, because she\u2019ll feel safer when you realize that she can\u2019t do any better than this and you respond to her from that place of understanding.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The thing that I love about this, the thing that\u2019s so interesting to me, and I know I\u2019ve said it before, is that we know, right? There\u2019s a part of us as parents that knows exactly what\u2019s going on, and yet we still get caught up in kind of taking it personally. Because here\u2019s this really bright girl and she\u2019s doing all this to us. \u201cCut it out!\u201d we just want to say, right?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So please don\u2019t anyone blame yourself for doing that because that\u2019s just a human, adult reaction that we would have to a child\u2019s behavior. <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Cut it out, you get what you get, just stop.<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> But that\u2019s where we can get stuck, because we\u2019re not seeing what\u2019s beyond the behavior and we\u2019re not seeing the feelings that are going on that are driving this. Which are, <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I feel all over the place and I can\u2019t function!<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> And I\u2019m sure these parents are feeling some level of that too, even without their daughter behaving like this. And that is also <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">why<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> she\u2019s behaving like this, if that makes sense. So taking care of ourselves and then perceiving this as, <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You know what? It\u2019s going to be wild right now. We just have to help her through.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And the interesting thing about what he said about the long two-plus hours it takes to go to bed, when children have that at bedtime, it\u2019s often because they haven\u2019t had enough chance just to vent it throughout the day, whenever it\u2019s come up through our boundaries. <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We\u2019re not going to let you near the baby right now because you\u2019re too out of control<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, or whatever we want to say about that. And then she screams. Whatever we\u2019re having a boundary with, she reacts. And right there, she\u2019s moving it through, moving it through, getting these feelings out of her system. Shared safely, because we\u2019re trying to see this as our dear, little, out of control girl. So we\u2019re going to be less likely to yell, we still might yell, but less likely to yell. And if we do yell, \u201cOh sorry, I\u2019m having a really hard time. I know you\u2019re doing the best you can.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Then she can share it safely and it won\u2019t build all the way up until bedtime, where now she\u2019s got more feelings to vent and it\u2019s ending up taking so long to go to bed. That\u2019s one of the most common reasons that bedtime gets delayed or that children are having all these emotions around bedtime, like he says she\u2019s having. The buildup throughout the day lands them there, and that doesn\u2019t work for us. So we don\u2019t want that to happen as much as possible. If we could remind ourselves, <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">it\u2019s really good that she\u2019s yelling about all these insignificant things<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, or <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">it\u2019s good that I set that boundary even though it made her upset<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. Because that was a reasonable boundary and her sharing how upset she is is a positive thing.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The second reason that we get caught up with behaviors and discipline isn\u2019t working, and this is closely linked to the last one: <\/span><b>We say no to the behaviors, but we don\u2019t allow for another way for our child to share their feelings.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> I don\u2019t have a particular note about this right now, but I get many, many questions from parents where they\u2019re doing this very typical, normal thing where we\u2019re just saying, <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Nope, I can\u2019t let you. Stop. Don\u2019t do any of these things.<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> But we\u2019re not allowing any way for our child to share the feelings driving that behavior another way.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And this isn\u2019t a complicated thing where we have to figure out what they\u2019re exactly feeling and all that. Not at all. All we need to do is what\u2019s right in front of us. Just seeing, just taking a moment, \u201cCan\u2019t let you do that. I\u2019m going to stop you. You want to keep doing that. You\u2019re really having a hard time stopping yourself.\u201d Just that little mini-reflection right there, where we\u2019re seeing our child and they see us seeing them, has a calming effect. And helps them to realize, <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">My behaviors are not cool. They\u2019re not okay, and my parents are not going to let me do them. But it\u2019s okay to feel like I want to do this. They\u2019re not getting mad at me around that. They\u2019re not telling me you can\u2019t do this behavior and you should never feel like you want to do that behavior.<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> We don\u2019t mean to give kids that message, but that\u2019s the one that they often get when we get very focused on the symptoms. We\u2019re just dealing with symptoms, symptoms, symptoms, and nothing we\u2019re doing is helping with the cause of the behavior. So these are just reminders for us.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The third common reason discipline isn\u2019t working: <\/span><b>We feel responsible in some way or sad for our child or too uncomfortable for our child to have these feelings.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> So we want to make them better, instead of just setting the boundary and welcoming our child\u2019s full force of whatever feelings they have. This is my job. And yeah, you can share with me how much you don\u2019t like my choice, how much you disagree. And when you\u2019re doing that, I\u2019m trying to remember as a parent that you\u2019re actually sharing feelings that probably don\u2019t have that much to do with this specific boundary, that are more generalized or more on a theme. Like, you\u2019ve got a six-month-old baby sibling and your parents are really wound up about all these things going on. And you\u2019re not responding well, that\u2019s throwing them off even more.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It\u2019s not about what I was demanding in that moment or what I thought I needed. It\u2019s about these bigger things. But as a parent, we\u2019re still in that other mode where we\u2019re seeing the symptoms, maybe forgetting they\u2019re not coming from a place of reason in our child, so we second-guess ourselves or we doubt ourselves. <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Oh gosh, maybe I don\u2019t have a right to go to the bathroom by myself or say no to this, or I shouldn\u2019t have. Oh, it hurts her. She needs to do this and that, and I feel bad. And now she\u2019s having this strong reaction. I\u2019ve got to be delicate around that and try to kind of placate her a little bit, calm her down.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The parent that I consulted with in the last episode, called \u201c<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/podcasts.apple.com\/us\/podcast\/struggling-with-a-strong-willed-toddlers-tantrums\/id1030050704?i=1000708190203\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Struggling with a Strong-Willed Toddler\u2019s Tantrums<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">,\u201d this is what we were talking about, that she thought her job was to teach her child self-regulation on top of everything else. On top of setting a boundary and allowing you to have your feelings, I also have to teach you to control your feelings or calm you down. No, that cannot be our job. And thank you to all the parents who wrote to me and said that that message really hit home from that last podcast. I recommend listening to it if you\u2019re interested, because I get to talk with the parent in person, so we got to have a back and forth.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Again, that\u2019s this whole pendulum swinging so far in this direction that now we have so many jobs as parents and it\u2019s not clear. And we\u2019ve got to help them name the feelings and go through them, and hopefully they won\u2019t feel as strongly next time. It\u2019s unproductive, it\u2019s unhelpful, and it makes it feel like discipline isn\u2019t working. Because our child is getting this message that it\u2019s not completely safe when they go to those dark places or go to those uncomfortable places in themselves. That we don\u2019t think it\u2019s completely safe, that we feel like this is kind of an event. This is something you need help with, this is something I\u2019ve got to invest energy into. It\u2019s not just what happens with young children, which is that their feelings go up and down all over the place, and that\u2019s how it\u2019s supposed to be. The younger the child, the more this will happen. And the more that\u2019s going on in our household, the more this will happen.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">It\u2019s tricky, right? Because as parents, we do tend to see, especially when we\u2019re in a stressful time and it feels like everything\u2019s black and white, that either we\u2019re being gentle and so kind, or we\u2019re being rejecting and you get what you get and get over it and you shouldn\u2019t be doing that. But there\u2019s this wonderful middle place that is so helpful to children, that encourages all the things we want to encourage our child to share with us instead of worry about how we\u2019re feeling about their feelings. Even if we\u2019re a little bit uncomfortable, that comes off to our child, unfortunately. They\u2019re so tuned in, right?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So I just want to circle back to this dad on Instagram because he gave a little follow-up. He said:<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Thank you. I\u2019ve been trying to just sit with her and let the storm ride over me the last few days, and she seems to be responding better.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I wrote back:<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Great, and you don\u2019t even have to sit with her every time. Definitely don\u2019t need to make an event out of every explosion, or any explosion. All that\u2019s needed is acceptance and as much understanding as you can muster that she\u2019s feeling it and going through it.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">That\u2019s me trying to quickly explain that sweet spot that we all can find in ourselves. We definitely have it, but we need to practice it. We need to taste it and then we need to practice it. And it can become pretty comfortable. We\u2019re never going to be entirely comfortable when our child is upset and when we\u2019ve been the cause of that, of course. But it starts to become a familiar place and it feels right. And it works, because our child\u2019s upsets are shorter, the difficult behaviors lessen. We see the safety it gives our child when we\u2019re accepting, but we\u2019re not seeing this as a big deal.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Here\u2019s a note about that:<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Dear Janet,<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I have read your book and followed your podcast with great interest. Your work has been a meaningful part of my parenting journey. In a recent episode, you shared stories from parents who had applied your methodology with their children and experienced peaceful, harmonious outcomes. While I appreciate hearing those success stories, I felt the need to share that my reality as a mother of a six- and four-year-old has been very different.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Since their birth, I have genuinely tried to embody the respectful, attuned approach you teach, yet parenting has remained extremely challenging. For instance, just today my son created a cardboard sword and wanted to bring it with him to his grandparents\u2019. We gently told him the sword would wait for him at home. He became upset and refused to leave. I sat down with him, acknowledged his feelings, expressed curiosity about his creation, and suggested we find a special place for it to wait. Despite this, he remained angry and immobile for 15 minutes, unwilling to budge.<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Hearing the recent episode felt surprisingly discouraging. Not because I don\u2019t believe in the method, but because I\u2019m applying it wholeheartedly and still not seeing the kind of ease and harmony described. I think the podcast could benefit from acknowledging that even with committed, aligned efforts, outcomes can be messy, prolonged, and emotionally intense. Without this balance, it can leave parents who are sincerely doing the work feeling like they\u2019re somehow failing, simply because their experiences don\u2019t mirror those in the examples shared.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This parent was so kind. And I just have to say, this made me feel terrible. I mean, this is obviously the <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">opposite<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> of what I\u2019m trying to do, to be discouraging, to make people feel like it\u2019s not typical to have messy, prolonged, emotionally intense situations with our children. It absolutely is.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">But after that moment of feeling really disappointed and kind of sad that this parent had that response, it\u2019s amazing how quickly I wanted to just try to help her to maybe get something she wasn\u2019t quite getting. And of course, she just gave me this very small example. And because I\u2019m into this topic so much, it\u2019s like a challenge for me, now I want to help her, to make this easier for her. Not to say at all that all those parents that shared the success stories in that episode, which is called \u201c<\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.janetlansbury.com\/2025\/05\/discipline-that-works-your-best-responses-to-your-kids-behaviors\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Discipline That Works \u2014 Your Best Responses to Your Kids\u2019 Behaviors<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.\u201d There were like eight parents that I shared from there, and <em>none<\/em> of them wrote back to me and said, \u201cBy the way, after that success it\u2019s happily ever after and everything\u2019s easy now with my child.\u201d And I doubt that happened with any of them.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The reason I value success stories, the reason they help me and I feel they can help parents, the reason to celebrate these is that we\u2019re getting this taste of what I was talking about earlier, that sweet spot. And the more we can taste that, the more we can find our way back to it. That definitely doesn\u2019t mean it always works or that it always works for us after the success story, it definitely didn\u2019t always work before the success story. It\u2019s always going to be messy and prolonged and hard to have young children, no question. I\u2019m really sorry this parent was left with those feelings. Like I said, the last thing I want is to discourage anyone.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I wrote back to her:<\/span><\/p>\n<p style=\"padding-left: 40px;\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Thank you for reaching out to me and your kind words. I\u2019m so sorry the episode was discouraging to you, that\u2019s the last thing I\u2019d ever want. I would love to try to help you with your challenges, perhaps for a podcast episode, if that would be okay with you. Can you please give me some other examples besides the one with the sword? I have thoughts about that, but more examples would be helpful.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">That was a couple of weeks ago and this parent never got back to me, so I\u2019m just going to go with my thoughts about what she shared and see if there\u2019s something here. Because for me, this falls into this idea that we\u2019re doing too much around emotions. And this isn\u2019t to criticize this parent or any of these parents at all, because this is a very nuanced idea, especially in the story this parent\u2019s sharing. Very nuanced. And I\u2019m taking a chance here just sharing my impressions on it. I could be way off, but I\u2019m still going to do it.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">She says: \u201cParenting has remained extremely challenging. For instance, just today my son created a cardboard sword and wanted to bring it with him to his grandparents\u2019. We gently told him the sword would wait for him at home. He became upset and refused to leave.\u201d And this is a six-year-old boy. And then she says: \u201cI sat down with him, acknowledged his feelings, expressed curiosity about his creation, and suggested we find a special place for it to wait. Despite this, he remained angry and immobile for 15 minutes, unwilling to budge.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">So the sense I\u2019m getting here is that this parent was kind of leaning into doing what a lot of us have the instinct to do, especially people like me that are people-pleasers and don\u2019t want to disappoint anyone. <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Let\u2019s try to make this okay with you. Let\u2019s find a way to make it safe. Let\u2019s talk to you about it. Let\u2019s hear all about this.<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> And if this is what\u2019s happening regularly with boundaries, what I always do is I put myself in the child\u2019s shoes. And I\u2019m feeling like there\u2019s some delicacy around this. It\u2019s a bit touchy to say no to me for something that, if we think about it, it\u2019s really not very reasonable that I made something and rather than enjoy it at home later, I have to bring it to my grandparents\u2019. It\u2019s definitely not a need that a child would have. And even as a desire, it\u2019s kind of, I don\u2019t know, I almost have the sense that her child knew that was a little bit of an inappropriate demand to make, but that this was symbolic of some other things that he\u2019s feeling are going on with him.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And that it would help him more, and definitely help this parent more to not be dealing with such a prolonged episode, for the parents to just lean in and say, \u201cYeah, you really want to bring that. Gosh, that\u2019s making you so mad. Come on, we\u2019re going to go. But you can yell at us the whole way in the car if you need to.\u201d Keeping it direct and kind and simple and not trying so hard to make it work for him. I doubt he would\u2019ve gone on for the 15 minutes. It would probably be five intense minutes, and maybe a few more in the car. But if parents can have that conviction and that simplicity and honesty, while at the same time welcoming the feelings, <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">You get to share. I\u2019m not afraid of you being mad about something. I don\u2019t see it as a problem or something you can\u2019t handle with our support<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, then it flashes much more quickly and it\u2019s over.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">And our child knows, Hey, I can vent stuff and it\u2019s not a big deal, and I\u2019m not getting all this\u2014I don\u2019t want to say \u201cattention\u201d because there\u2019s so many things put on negative attention and all that, <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Oh, the kids are just seeking attention.<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> But kids get an impression when there\u2019s so much attention around them having an uncomfortable feeling. They get the impression that it\u2019s not that safe and shouldn\u2019t be normal and comfortable and just acceptable. That there\u2019s a need my parents have to make it better for me. And what that does is it kind of undoes our boundary in the first place because we\u2019re not being decisive, we\u2019re not being confident, and it can tend to create a situation where a child keeps kind of seeking this clearer passage to share.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I don\u2019t even know if that makes sense to anyone but me. This parent, like all the parents I hear from, could not be more caring and thoughtful and loving, and I can feel her working hard just in this example. What I\u2019m suggesting is to do a little less and to trust our children a little more to share all the things they need to share, to know that\u2019s a positive thing for them. There\u2019s nothing negative about it or problematic about it, at all.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">That\u2019s my strange, nuanced feedback for this parent. I don\u2019t know if she\u2019s ever going to hear this, but thank you for reaching out to me and being so kind about your constructive criticism. That\u2019s really, really helpful. I always love hearing feedback like that, something I can work with and consider.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This thing about discipline and feelings\u2014this dynamic where we set the boundary, they get to share the feelings, we all move through\u2014we do have to be kind of brave, I feel. Brave and believing in our kids. Believing in their ability to go through life with all the disappointments and the heartbreak and the losses and the anger. They\u2019ve got what it takes, they can do it. And we can do this. It\u2019s so much less complicated than all the messages out there around feelings and behaviors are making it out to be. It\u2019s really quite simple, the dynamic: I see what\u2019s going on. I set the boundary with confidence. I welcome you to share whatever you feel about it, that\u2019s your prerogative. And we go through our day like that.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I really hope some of this helps. And there\u2019s a ton more about this in my <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.nobadkidscourse.com\/\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">No Bad Kids Master Course<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, and in my book <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/amzn.to\/3UZ7Wo1\"><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">No Bad Kids<\/span><\/i><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, which has helped many, many parents turn a corner.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Thank you so much for listening. <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We can do this.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<div class=\"post-meta-data\">\n<p>Originally published by Janet Lansbury on June 08, 2025<\/p>\n<\/div><\/div>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Effective discipline can be confusing! It can feel like we\u2019re working so hard to be caring, empathetic, and patient with our kids\u2014and not lose our temper\u2014yet still, the challenging behaviors keep happening. And then when we try to set boundaries, our child has a meltdown that seems to last forever. What are we doing wrong? [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":299342,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[120626,11932,97416],"tags":[11514,14157,4771,7545,1600],"dealstore":[],"offerexpiration":[],"class_list":["post-299341","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-discipline","category-parenting","category-podcasts","tag-common","tag-discipline","tag-isnt","tag-reasons","tag-working"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Discipline Isn&#039;t Working - 3 Common Reasons and What To Do Instead - Som2ny Network<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=299341\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Discipline Isn&#039;t Working - 3 Common Reasons and What To Do Instead - Som2ny Network\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Effective discipline can be confusing! 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