There\u2019s a moment in every healing journey when we meet the parts of ourselves that are armored up so tight, we can hardly breathe. Therapy is hard enough when we\u2019re focusing on all the ways we\u2019ve been victimized by the people who have hurt us. But it\u2019ll knock the wind out of us when we realize we may have hurt people in very similar ways to how we got hurt. And then we have to sit in the shame of that dawning awareness.<\/span><\/p>\n The moment when we become aware that we\u2019ve been lashing out at the people we love, dismissing feedback with icy certainty, or curling into ourselves with justifications so clever we almost believe them can put a big crack in our self-image. We think we\u2019re these great people- and we are! But then we hear ourselves saying, \u201cI didn\u2019t mean it,\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019re just too sensitive,\u201d or \u201cYou made me do it.\u201d These aren\u2019t just excuses\u2014they\u2019re signs that something more tender is hiding beneath the surface. That\u2019s where narcissistic defenses come in\u2014not as something to demonize and pathologize, but as a set of survival strategies, born of pain, trying to protect the most vulnerable parts of us.<\/span><\/p>\n So let\u2019s take a breath together, bring in some Self energy, give ourselves a hug, and with gentleness and curiosity, unpack the different kinds of narcissistic defenses, so we can recognize when we\u2019re using them and spot when they\u2019re being used on us. Healing begins not when we fix ourselves, but when we understand why we built the armor that protects us in the first place. All of these defensive strategies are a variety of protector parts, so let\u2019s hold onto our self-esteem, open our hearts to all the strategies we\u2019ve had to employ in order to survive, and get brave enough to face the truth.<\/span><\/p>\n We can encourage ourselves by remembering that defensiveness is one of the<\/span> \u201cFour Horsemen Of The Apocalypse\u201d<\/span><\/a> in John & Julie Gottman\u2019s couples research. If we want to be happy in a long-term intimate connection, we\u2019ve got to get a handle on our own defensiveness and contain these parts with a Self-led system, so we can de-escalate quickly when conflicts inevitably ensue.<\/span><\/p>\n We spoke about defensiveness and my partner Jeff volunteered to be the demo for doing IFS work with defensive parts. Then another LOVE SCHOOL student volunteered to let me do an IFS demo with her intellectualizing parts that take her out when she\u2019s trying to do her IFS work. If you join LOVE SCHOOL now you can watch the recordings.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Join LOVE SCHOOL here.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n When most people hear the word narcissistic, they conjure up images of arrogant tyrants, charming manipulators, or vain celebrities and social media influencers obsessed with their image. But the truth is, hair-trigger defensive parts aren\u2019t the exclusive domain of \u201cnarcissists.\u201d They are a universal human phenomenon stemming from parts that didn\u2019t get the parenting we needed in order to grow out of the immature defense all kids have when we\u2019re young. Even in adulthood, we all use some of these defenses at times to avoid being flooded with shame, to deflect from our pain, and to preserve a sense of identity and goodness when our sensitive egos feel threatened.<\/span><\/p>\n Defensive parts tend to arise when someone else is trying to hold us to account for something we\u2019ve done that hurts them. Maybe someone is accusing us of not carrying our weight with the housework or child care, forgetting their birthday, saying something insensitive, flirting with someone at a party, breaking an agreement, scaring them with our yelling, forgetting to pick up the milk from the grocery store, or otherwise doing something upsetting. For some trauma survivors, the idea that we\u2019ve done anything wrong can be absolutely terrifying. If we were beaten whenever we messed up (or for absolutely no reason at all), the foreboding feeling that can accompany someone trying to hold us to account can be so frightening that the narcissistic defenses kick in before the other person even finishes their sentence.<\/span><\/p>\n Even if we weren\u2019t beaten, those of us with perfectionistic parts learned that it\u2019s not okay to make a mistake. It\u2019s not okay to fail or not be good at something. So if someone is giving us feedback, even in a kind, gentle way, defensive parts can get lit up at the drop of a pin, to try to keep us from feeling inadequate, worthless, or like a failure in relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n Immature defenses tend to arise in moments of emotional overwhelm, especially if our nervous systems associate vulnerability with danger. We may feel strong when other people are happy with us and vulnerable when someone is upset with us, and that vulnerability may kick off the defenses in a way that\u2019s so automatic it\u2019s as reflexive as hitting your knee with a reflex hammer or blinking your eyes when someone is about to poke them. While immature defenses can come across as grandiosity, entitlement, over-intellectualization, lack of empathy, or cold detachment on the surface, underneath them is often a terrified inner child who once learned that love was conditional, that mistakes create violence, and that authenticity might cost too much.<\/span><\/p>\n Let\u2019s meet some of these defenses, one by one, with compassion for the scared parts of us who cling to them.<\/span><\/p>\n 1. Denial: <\/b>\u201cThat\u2019s not true.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n Denial is the bedrock defense, the oldest friend of a wounded psyche. When reality feels too overwhelming to bear\u2014especially the reality of our own flaws, mistakes, or traumas\u2014denial steps in like a bodyguard and says, \u201cNope. That didn\u2019t happen.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n Maybe someone tells us we hurt them, and the shame is too great to metabolize, so we go into \u201cpretend mode\u201d and start living in an alternate reality where we convince ourselves that the thing we\u2019re getting accused of just didn\u2019t happen. Even when presented with evidence that we did actually do the hurtful thing, we go into a delusional state of magical thinking and simply blank it out, refusing to believe it. Maybe you\u2019re a mother witnessing your partner abusing your children, but your love for our spouse runs so deep that you simply can\u2019t handle accepting reality. So you protect the perpetrator with your pretend mode, pretending it didn\u2019t happen, rather than standing up and protecting your child. While denial looks like lying and gaslighting to the victim (and in a way, it is), denial as a narcissistic defense isn\u2019t really lying\u2014it\u2019s dissociation. It\u2019s a shutting down of awareness in order to preserve connection or self-worth and protect against overwhelming feelings.<\/span><\/p>\n But here\u2019s the paradox: what we deny holds us hostage. Healing asks us to gently turn toward the truth\u2014not all at once, which can sometimes be too much, but in layers, as our nervous system becomes ready. When we turn towards what feels so hard to face, we often find that the truth isn\u2019t as terrifying as our inner protector imagined it might be. It might even be a relief to finally live in the same reality as someone we\u2019ve hurt. Only then can repair really happen.<\/span><\/p>\n 2. Minimization: <\/b>\u201cIt wasn\u2019t that bad.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n Minimization is denial\u2019s quieter cousin. Instead of rejecting reality outright, we shrink it down until it feels less threatening.<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cSure, I yelled at my kid, but it\u2019s not like I hit them.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n \u201cYes, I cheated, but only emotionally.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n \u201cI was neglected, but other kids had it waaay worse.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n Minimization can sound noble\u2014like we\u2019re trying to keep perspective or be resilient. But often, it\u2019s a way to avoid the grief, guilt, or anger that would arise if we fully acknowledged the impact of our actions\u2014or what was done to us. Minimization can also be used to shut down someone else\u2019s legitimate protest of behaviors that need ownership, not defensiveness. And if you\u2019ve ever been on the other side of that, it\u2019s maddening.<\/span><\/p>\n What helps? Allowing ourselves to feel the full truth, without comparison or justification. As Gabor Mat\u00e9 says, trauma isn\u2019t what happens to us\u2014it\u2019s what happens inside us as a result of what happens. And that inner experience deserves to be honored, even if it means developing shame resilience so we can handle processing the emotions that are naturally supposed to arise when we\u2019ve done something that hurts someone else or when we\u2019re experiencing bystander trauma.<\/span><\/p>\n 3. Rationalization: <\/b>\u201cI had a good reason.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n Rationalization is the art of explaining away discomfort with intellectualizing logic. It makes us feel smart, in control, and above our uncomfortable emotions.<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cI ghosted her because I have a right to my boundaries.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n \u201cI yelled at him because he wasn\u2019t listening, and I\u2019m allowed to have feelings.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n \u201cI didn\u2019t betray her. I just followed my truth.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n \u201cIt wasn\u2019t an affair. She was my twin flame and all bets are off when you meet your twin flame.\u201d<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n When we use intellectualization to avoid accountability, we might be protecting ourselves from feeling shame, but we\u2019re also abandoning our integrity. If we rationalize our behaviors when someone else is protesting something that hurt, we then add insult to injury. The rationalization defense is especially seductive for those of us who are highly educated, articulate, and spiritually literate. We can cloak our justifications in spiritual language\u2014\u201cMy intuition told me to cut them off,\u201d or \u201cEverything happens for a reason.\u201d But what if we paused long enough to ask, \u201cWhat part of me is speaking right now? Is it my adult Self, or my wounded protector trying to avoid shame?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n 4. Projection: <\/b>\u201cYou\u2019re the one with the problem.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n Projection is one of the most painful\u2014and illuminating\u2014defenses. When we can\u2019t tolerate something in ourselves, we unconsciously assign it to someone else, which feels bewildering, confusing, and often intolerably painful to the person who\u2019s getting projected upon.<\/span><\/p>\n You have to tread lightly with projection. Cult leaders and narcissists often convince their victims that everything you\u2019re accusing them of is actually just a projection of yourself, which is a very convenient way to shirk accountability! What they don\u2019t realize is that by accusing their victims of doing something wrong, they\u2019re often confessing to exactly what they\u2019re actually doing.<\/span><\/p>\n How can you tell the difference? Many of us take accusations seriously, and if someone is projecting onto us, we might sincerely wonder if we\u2019re actually doing what we\u2019re being accused of. Likewise if you\u2019re the one projecting onto someone else- and they\u2019re denying that they\u2019re guilty, how can you tell what\u2019s real? Are they just in denial, or are they really innocent?<\/span><\/p>\n The key is to understand projection, reality check the accusation, and examine the evidence. If you\u2019re accusing someone else of doing something wrong, can you back it up with 3 bits of evidence? If someone seems like they\u2019re falsely accusing you, it\u2019s okay to ask them for 3 bits of evidence. If they freeze and go blank when you ask them to back up their accusations with evidence, or if they just switch to a different narcissistic defense, you\u2019re probably dealing with someone else\u2019s projections.<\/span><\/p>\n Also, look for disproportionate reactivity. If we feel disproportionate anger, judgment, or activation towards someone, it\u2019s an invitation to look within. What part of me am I disowning? Can I reclaim it with compassion? This is where shadow work becomes a sacred path. Once we integrate the parts we\u2019ve projected, we become more whole\u2014and less reactive.<\/span><\/p>\n 5. Displacement: <\/b>\u201cI can\u2019t yell at my boss, so I\u2019ll snap at my kid.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n Displacement occurs when we transfer emotional responses from a threatening or unavailable source to a safer substitute. A trauma survivor accuses a gentle partner of being controlling, because a parent once was. Someone who was gaslit accuses others of gaslighting, even if it\u2019s not happening now. This is sometimes called traumatic reenactment, but it\u2019s more accurate to think of it as a blend of projection, transference, and unresolved trauma expressing itself in relationships.<\/span><\/p>\n The transference version of displacement can look like accusing someone in the present of doing what was done to us in the past. When we haven\u2019t yet processed old traumas, we sometimes reenact them, projecting our unresolved hurt onto innocent people. This isn\u2019t because we\u2019re manipulative\u2014it\u2019s because the body and psyche are trying to find a resolution.<\/span><\/p>\n You feel helpless rage toward an abusive parent, but instead of raging at your parent, you rage at your safe, loving, securely attached spouse when they\u2019ve done nothing wrong or when they do the smallest thing that reminds you of the parent, like wearing a red dress when your abusive mother wore a lot of red, or when they\u2019re demanding justice after you\u2019ve done something mean, and their angry face elicits an emotional flashback that reminds you of your mother.<\/span><\/p>\n Displacement is a defense mechanism that helps the psyche discharge emotional energy in a safer direction, not towards someone intimidating and scary, but towards someone less powerful (like a child or pet) or towards someone emotionally safer, like a loving attachment figure. It\u2019s why someone might rage at a partner after being humiliated at work. Or why a child might kick the dog after being scolded by a parent. Displacement is an attempt to regulate emotions that feel too big for the original context. But it often causes harm to those least equipped to absorb it.<\/span><\/p>\n This defense softens when we create spaces for safe emotional expression\u2014through therapy, somatic work, or conscious conversations with people who can hold us without judgment. The goal isn\u2019t to stop feeling the anger or pain\u2014it\u2019s to direct it toward truth, justice, repair, and healing, not collateral damage. Healing begins when we slow down enough to ask: Who am I really angry at? Where does this feeling belong? And instead of hurting someone close to us, we can learn to grieve, rage, or speak the truth to the original wound\u2014often with the help of a therapist, coach, or loving witness who can hold us without judgment.<\/span><\/p>\n 6. Idealization and Devaluation: <\/b>\u201cYou\u2019re perfect\u2014or you\u2019re garbage.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n Narcissistic defenses often toggle between extremes: putting people on pedestals, then devaluing someone or tearing them down. This psychological process, called \u201csplitting,\u201d protects us from the complexity of human ambivalence. It\u2019s an \u201call or nothing\u201d trauma symptom that shows up as being you\u2019re \u201call in\u201d or \u201cone strike and you\u2019re out.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n If we grew up with inconsistent caregivers\u2014sometimes loving, sometimes cruel\u2014we might have learned to survive by organizing the world into \u201cgood\u201d and \u201cbad.\u201d When someone disappoints us, instead of feeling our pain and learning to tolerate our hurt, we flip the switch: \u201cThey were never who I thought they were.\u201d But real intimacy requires nuance. No one is all good or all bad\u2014not even you. The more we heal, the more we can hold people (and ourselves) as complex, contradictory, imperfectly messy, and still worthy of love and repair attempts.<\/span><\/p>\n 7. Blame-Shifting: <\/b>\u201cIt\u2019s not my fault. It\u2019s yours.\u201d<\/i><\/b><\/p>\n Blame is a powerful anesthetic for shame. When we feel criticized or exposed, blaming others helps us feel righteous, in control, and safe. But blame-shifting erodes trust. It prevents repair. And it keeps us stuck in cycles of defensiveness and disconnection. Blame-shifting is similar to projection in that it causes trauma survivors to shirk accountability and attempt to move the shame elsewhere. It\u2019s part of the classic narcissistic defense combo DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender).<\/span><\/p>\n Healing means reclaiming our agency\u2014not by taking on all the blame, but by owning our impact, even if we didn\u2019t intend to cause harm. There\u2019s a quiet power in saying, \u201cI see how I hurt you. I didn\u2019t mean to, but I take responsibility for my impact on you.\u201d That\u2019s not weakness\u2014it\u2019s leadership.<\/span><\/p>\n 8. Reaction Formation: \u201cI don\u2019t hate them\u2014I love them!\u201d<\/b><\/p>\n Reaction formation is perhaps one of the most confusing defenses\u2014because it disguises what we truly feel by expressing the opposite. When a feeling is too shameful, taboo, or threatening\u2014like hatred, envy, sexual attraction, or even joy\u2014we might unconsciously flip it. The child who resents a parent\u2019s control becomes the doting caregiver. The person attracted to someone \u201coff limits\u201d might become prudish or hypercritical. The woman who was taught that anger makes her unlovable becomes pathologically nice.<\/span><\/p>\n On the surface, we\u2019re polite, generous, even affectionate. But underneath, our true feelings are exiled to the shadow\u2014and they find sneaky ways of leaking out, often through passive aggression, anxiety, or illness.<\/span><\/p>\n Healing reaction formation requires radical permission to feel what we feel\u2014without judging the parts that carry those emotions. No emotion is wrong. No bad parts. Even the \u201cugly\u201d emotions or the parts that act out carry wisdom. When we reclaim our authentic emotional range, we no longer need to perform virtue. We can just be real.<\/span><\/p>\n *If this was helpful and you want to go deeper into an IFS community of practice to support healing relational trauma, healing narcissistic abuse or narcissistic tendencies, recovering from power over\/ power under relational dynamics, deepening our empathy, learning how to repair when relational ruptures happen, and other relational skill building support for trauma survivors, please join us for our twice weekly community gathering on Zoom-<\/span> LOVE SCHOOL.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/lissarankin.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/06\/image.png\")
<\/a><\/p>\nWhat Are The Immature Defenses & How Are They Related To Narcissism?<\/b><\/h2>\n