Happy Father\u2019s Day! When my son was born in 2017, I decided to focus on being a stay-at-home dad (SAHD). Every early childhood development book I read emphasized that the first five years are the most critical for a child\u2019s growth. So I figured, why not spend that time with him?<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t a difficult decision since I hadn\u2019t had a day job since 2012. The only things I risked sacrificing were my writing, patience, ego, happiness, and sanity.<\/p>\n
I believe being a stay-at-home parent for the first three years is one of the hardest jobs in the world\u2014far tougher than working 60-hour weeks in banking. So I\u2019m confident it\u2019s harder than most other jobs too. At the same time, it\u2019s also the most rewarding work I\u2019ve ever done. But that chapter is now over.<\/p>\n
Also, for full disclosure, my wife is also a stay-at-home parent who does even more childcare. So relatively speaking, I got it easier than solo stay at home dads.<\/p>\n
For men considering becoming stay-at-home dads during their child\u2019s early years, I want to share some perspective before you take the leap. This applies equally to women thinking about leaving the workforce to be stay-at-home moms, but with a male twist. <\/p>\n
This article is also my declaration that after eight years and two months, I no longer consider myself a stay-at-home dad. The reason is obvious in the end. <\/p>\n
<\/p>\n Here are the most important things to watch out for if you want to become a SAHD. If you can accept these truths, your time as a SAHD will be better. <\/p>\n If you\u2019re not used to being a minority, you may have a difficult time fitting in as a SAHD. In my eight years here in San Francisco as a SAHD, I estimate only about 5% of dads I meet are the primary caregivers. The same is true in other big cities like New York.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s my rough breakdown of childcare providers I’ve observed from going to playgrounds, parks, museums, activities, and schools:<\/p>\n As a minority, you\u2019ll need to blend in and sometimes navigate cultural or gender-specific topics and conversations. <\/p>\n One time, I was with my wife and a group of eight moms in Golden Gate Park. We were going for a nice stroll when the group decided to take a break underneath the shade of a nice big tree. We rolled out our blankets and cradled our babies, when suddenly, breastfeeding started. I felt awkward even if the moms did not, so I left to give the moms privacy, leaving my daughter with my wife. Since then, I stopped joining mothers\u2019 walking groups and usually walked alone or with my wife.<\/p>\n Being a minority can sometimes mean having fewer social connections, as it may be harder to assimilate or be fully included. You might find yourself intentionally or unintentionally left out of group activities organized by the majority. It\u2019s important to get used to moments of isolation<\/a>\u2014and to recognize that building meaningful friendships may require extra effort.<\/p>\n Another time, a nanny\u2019s toddler was crying uncontrollably for about 10 minutes while she chatted with other nannies. I offered to help play with the toddler while parkour class was going on, but she gave me a cold glare and said, \u201cNo, I don\u2019t need your help,\u201d before scolding the child. That was the last time I offered to help a stranger\u2019s child out of fear of backlash.<\/p>\n In our status-conscious world<\/a>, being a stay-at-home dad is still an anomaly. Unless you\u2019ve built a company or already reached the pinnacle of success in your field, few people\u2014both men and women\u2014will give you much respect. They might be polite to your face, but that doesn\u2019t mean they\u2019ll invite you into their social circles.<\/p>\n Among working men, there\u2019s often a lingering belief that men should be the primary breadwinners. As a result, they may view your role with confusion, skepticism, or quiet judgment.<\/p>\n Mothers may appear more welcoming, but in reality, they often form tight-knit groups with other mothers. Even if your wife works full-time and you handle all the household chores, pickups, drop-offs, and scheduling, you may still be seen as an outsider. <\/p>\n Perhaps the hardest part, though, is dealing with your own sense of embarrassment<\/strong>. Any lingering insecurity about your role can show up in how you speak and carry yourself to the outside world. Even if raising your child is the most meaningful job you\u2019ve ever had, it can be hard to fully embrace your identity as a stay-at-home dad.<\/p>\n The solution to this insecurity is to have a project of your own\u2014something you’re actively building or working toward. It doesn\u2019t have to generate income; it can be what I call a \u201ctrust fund job<\/a>,\u201d where the focus is on activity, not profit. The key is to maintain a sense of personal identity beyond fatherhood, so you don\u2019t feel like your entire worth is tied to being a parent.<\/p>\n Marriage plus parenthood is hard. There’s a reason parental happiness often dips during the early years of raising children. Less sleep, little personal time, and constant exhaustion can take a toll, making it much easier to argue with your spouse. You may find yourself longing for appreciation just as you’re running on empty.<\/p>\n As a stay-at-home dad\u2014while the vast majority of fathers work outside the home\u2014you\u2019ll do far more of the childcare in comparison. You might take pride in always being there for your kids and feel you deserve recognition for it. But here’s the truth:\u00a0nobody else cares as much as you do\u2014because they\u2019re your kids, not theirs<\/strong>. That\u2019s why fatherhood must be\u00a0intrinsically motivated<\/a>. If you\u2019re constantly looking for external validation, you\u2019ll be disappointed.<\/p>\n No matter how much you contribute there will be times you feel underappreciated. Your spouse may take you for granted, and it\u2019ll hurt. But this is a common dynamic in long-term relationships. It is inevitable to take for granted what someone does for us day in and day out. The key is to\u00a0acknowledge it, communicate it, and try to reduce how often those feelings arise.<\/p>\n Maybe your wife had a brutal day\u2014her boss embarrassed her in front of colleagues, she lost a major client, or a product she poured months into flopped. After a 12-hour day and a draining commute, she may not have much emotional bandwidth left to recognize everything you\u2019ve done at home. Try to acknowledge her situation and step up to do more when she’s running on empty. <\/p>\n Marriages are never 50\/50. Be the parent who steps up when the other is struggling. <\/p>\n At the same time,\u00a0you might also take her hard work for granted<\/strong>. After the 20th 6:30 a.m. client call, the 21st doesn\u2019t seem like a big deal. But maybe all she wants is one morning to sleep in without pressure or performance looming.<\/p>\n When these feelings creep in,\u00a0pause and reframe<\/strong>: realize how fortunate you are to have a spouse whose work allows you to stay home and raise your children. Odds are, they\u2019d love to trade places sometimes\u2014to spend more time with the kids and less time grinding at work. Unless you\u2019re DUPs<\/a>, someone has to earn the income and keep the family\u2019s healthcare covered.<\/p>\n Appreciation can fade in the daily grind. So\u00a0remind each other, often, of the sacrifices you\u2019re both making\u2014for your children, and for each other. Regularly go through the things you are grateful for. <\/p>\n The biggest dilemma is whether to sacrifice career for children or children for career. Ironically, you either have to be wealthy enough to stay home or poor enough that working and paying for childcare isn\u2019t worth it. Those in the middle face the toughest choice.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve given up millions of dollars in income to be a stay-at-home father. This includes lost earnings from my finance career as well as from growing Financial Samurai. <\/p>\n Since my son was born in 2017, I\u2019ve deliberately chosen not to work full-time on the site. Had I committed 40\u201350 hours a week, I\u2019m confident I could have significantly scaled Financial Samurai, increased ad revenue, and developed more products to sell. But instead, I chose to maintain a 15\u201320 hour workweek\u2014hours that occur mostly before the kids are up or after they are asleep\u2014so I could spend as much time with him as possible.<\/p>\n As a result, it took several years longer to buy the ideal house to raise a family<\/a>. Further, I’ve had to delay reaching financial independence once more. <\/p>\n As someone who helped kickstart the modern FIRE movement in 2009<\/a>, I waited to have children until I could care for them full-time. I didn\u2019t want to sacrifice my career for family in my 20s and early 30s. I worked hard to build enough wealth and retired at 34.<\/p>\n But this all-or-nothing approach risks delaying parenthood too long. Biological challenges increase with age, and if you have kids later, you have less time with them. Losing parents before a child turns 25 happens often, especially since people are having children later and life is unpredictable. Since you\u2019ll love your children above all else, it makes sense to want as much time together as possible.<\/p>\n Luckily for older parents<\/a>, there\u2019s a simple, logical solution to make up for lost time: understand how much time the average working parent spends with their child each day, and then spend more time with your child until you catch up or even exceed that total by the time they turn 18. Because, as we sadly know, once our children reach 18, about 80-90% of all the time we will ever spend with them is already behind us.<\/p>\n Because I gave up money and meetings before having kids, I certainly won’t seek more money and meetings now that I have kids.<\/p>\n If it takes three more years to hit a new passive income target<\/a> without a steady job, so be it. I\u2019m not willing to miss out on my time with them for any amount of potential income. <\/p>\n Let\u2019s break it down: If I earn $250,000 a year but pay $50,000 for a nanny, my income is $200,000, but really less due to taxes. Imagine sitting in 3 hours of meetings every day for 261 workdays \u2014 that\u2019s 783 hours annually. No way! I know this because I consulted part-time<\/a> for four months and felt bad even missing out on one activity with my daughter. <\/p>\n Now let’s jack up that income to $3 million a year at a hot AI company after paying for a nanny, but before taxes. Since I’m a big wig now, I’m in meetings for 5 hours every day for 261 workdays \u2013 that’s 1,305 hours annually. Forget that.<\/p>\n You can always make more money, but you can never get back lost time. So choosing your children over more money and career progression is logical.<\/p>\n We\u2019ve covered the hard truths\u2014feelings of isolation, less respect from other parents, a smaller paycheck, possibly a stalled career, and getting taken for granted. But luckily, there are also some powerful upsides to being a stay-at-home dad. Let\u2019s dive in.<\/p>\n If you\u2019ve been with your wife and child since birth\u2014attending doctor visits, washing bottles, handling meals, and taking the baby out so your wife can rest\u2014it\u2019s impossible for her to say you weren\u2019t there. You\u2019ve earned your stripes.<\/p>\n When your wife feels more supported and rested, the entire family benefits. She\u2019s less exhausted and more emotionally present. And if you have multiple kids, your ability to manage one or more of them for extended stretches becomes even more valuable.<\/p>\n As time goes on and you build up \u201ccredits\u201d from the time and effort you\u2019ve put in, you\u2019ll also feel less guilty about asking for personal time\u2014whether it\u2019s a night out with friends or a weekend golf trip.<\/p>\n A common fear is that even with more time spent together, you might still end up with a strained relationship with your children. Genetics, personality clashes, and differing interests can all play a role.<\/p>\n But in my experience\u2014and after speaking to hundreds of dads\u2014there\u2019s a strong correlation between time spent and relationship strength. Kids may not remember anything from ages 0\u20133, but they feel<\/em> your presence. And after age three, their memories become clearer and deeper. That\u2019s when your investment of time starts to pay off in tangible ways.<\/p>\n You can reinforce those early years with photos and videos, reminding them of how involved you\u2019ve been since day one. That emotional foundation can carry into their own parenting values later on.<\/p>\n Working long hours or traveling frequently often means relying entirely on teachers and caregivers to monitor your child\u2019s development. That\u2019s fine\u2014if those teachers are excellent. But not every classroom is led by a superstar, and not every nanny or au pair<\/a> puts her phone away while engaging with your child.<\/p>\n I once met the father of a second grader who was shocked to learn his daughter didn\u2019t know how to read. I couldn\u2019t help but wonder\u2014how is that a surprise if you\u2019ve been reading to her regularly over the past seven years? Unless, of course, he hadn\u2019t been. That\u2019s the kind of thing a stay-at-home parent would likely have noticed much earlier.<\/p>\n Being a stay-at-home dad gives you the opportunity to catch developmental gaps early\u2014before they grow into bigger, costlier problems down the road.<\/p>\n After a long workday, it\u2019s natural to want to decompress: crack a beer, eat dinner, and zone out. During the thick of my Millionaire Milestones<\/a><\/strong><\/em> promo cycle, I often felt drained when picking up my kids because I had given multiple interviews and done multiple consulting sessions<\/a>. It made me less motivated to coach them tennis or play imaginative games at home.<\/p>\n But as a stay-at-home dad, especially when the kids are in school, your energy levels are higher. You can regularly take afternoon naps to be ready for their hurricane of energy and emotion when you pick them up. That extra enthusiasm can lead to more engaged parenting, whether it\u2019s reading stories, building Lego sets, or practicing new skills.<\/p>\n Though days can feel endless, the months and years pass quickly. But if you’re a stay-at-home dad, you can somewhat slowdown the years in retrospect because you won’t feel as bad missing so many precious milestones.<\/p>\n If you can, give being a stay-at-home parent a go. You won\u2019t regret trying it. Like any tough challenge, giving it a shot means you won\u2019t be haunted by \u201cwhat if.\u201d You really only have to sacrifice your career for five years at most<\/a>. <\/p>\n If five years feels too long, consider going back to work once your child starts preschool (around 2-3 years old). Kindergarten typically starts at 5-6 years.<\/p>\n Take full advantage of your employer\u2019s parental leave (usually 1-4 months). After that, reassess if you want to return to work or continue as a stay-at-home parent. If your finances allow, I say go for it. The growth between 6 and 24 months is truly incredible.<\/p>\n 0-3 Months<\/strong><\/p>\n 4-6 Months<\/strong><\/p>\n 7-9 Months<\/strong><\/p>\n 10-12 Months<\/strong><\/p>\n 13-18 Months<\/strong><\/p>\n 19-24 Months<\/strong><\/p>\n Being home means you witness all these priceless moments firsthand. Others may see these milestones as ordinary, but to a parent, they\u2019re little miracles \u2014 rewards for all your effort.<\/p>\n Seeing my son roll over for the first time felt like watching him win Olympic gold. It\u2019s that gratifying. Plus, being there means you get those video memories to treasure forever.<\/p>\n Interestingly, nannies and au pairs often keep milestones secret from parents so the parents feel like they were the first to see them. That\u2019s emotional intelligence in action<\/a> \u2014 making tired, maybe guilty parents feel more joy. What parents don\u2019t know won\u2019t hurt them.<\/p>\n When you first start caring for your baby, all the crying can fry your nerves. After three months of trying to soothe my son, I couldn\u2019t take it anymore. My wife stepped in\u2014and she\u2019s been leading the charge ever since. One helpful strategy I discovered: wear AirPods while changing diapers or feeding. You\u2019ll still hear your baby, but the volume won\u2019t be as overwhelming.<\/p>\n Because you need to show love and care to your children, you’ll learn to literally get down to their level and try to understand what they\u2019re experiencing. This kind of compassion and empathy carries over to how you interact with adults as well. You\u2019ll naturally become more patient, since reasoning with grown-ups is often easier than reasoning with toddlers.<\/p>\n The next time someone hurls an insult your way, you might find it doesn\u2019t sting as much\u2014because as a parent, you’re constantly being disrespected anyway. Instead of getting upset, you may even start wondering what kind of childhood the insulter had, and feel a sense of empathy for why they\u2019re being so rude. This kind of mindset has helped me a lot whenever I receive particularly nasty comments. I’m far less combative now. <\/p>\n One day, in the middle of dinner chaos\u2014with your kids squirming, refusing to eat, or bouncing around the living room\u2014you might find yourself surprisingly calm. You\u2019ll pause, look around, and realize just how far you\u2019ve come.<\/p>\n The thing about being a stay-at-home dad is\u2014it doesn\u2019t last forever<\/strong>. Once your kids start full-time school, your role naturally shifts. With six extra hours a day, you suddenly have space to pursue other things: exercise, freelance, consult, start a business, or just catch your breath.<\/p>\n This transition is a golden window. I know dads building AI tools, volunteering at school, and picking up creative projects. I recently gave a talk on personal finance at my child\u2019s after-school program\u2014it was both fun and fulfilling.<\/p>\n Once my second child entered full-time school, I no longer felt right labeling myself a stay-at-home dad. With more time between drop-off and pickup, I returned to writing and am now focused on achieving financial freedom again by the end of 2027\u2014and writing another book.<\/p>\n Still, I stay involved\u2014tutoring my son each evening and being present whenever needed. But I also feel a strong urge to stay productive during the day. A life of just tennis, lunch, and naps feels hollow. I crave purpose.<\/p>\n Being a stay-at-home dad is unconventional, but deeply rewarding. If you\u2019re financially able, I highly recommend doing it for the first 2\u20133 years of your child\u2019s life. It\u2019ll challenge you\u2014and change you. But the extra time with your kids is priceless.<\/p>\n Readers, any stay-at-home dads out there want to share your experience? What did you do once your kids started school full-time? Why do you think more men don\u2019t take on this role\u2014especially as more women earn degrees and become primary breadwinners? Has this post made you consider giving it a try?<\/em><\/p>\n If you are ready to build more wealth than 94% of the population, grab a copy of my new book,\u00a0Millionaire Milestones: Simple Steps to Seven Figures<\/a>.<\/strong><\/em>\u00a0With over 30 years of experience working in, studying, and writing about finance, I\u2019ve distilled everything I know into this practical guide to help you achieve financial success. After building greater wealth, you might gain the option of becoming a stay-at-home dad or mom. <\/p>\n Every parent should have an affordable term life insurance policy\u2014especially those carrying debt. Getting life insurance is an act of love for your children. During the pandemic, my wife and I secured matching term policies through Policygenius<\/a><\/strong>. Once we had coverage in place, we breathed a huge sigh of relief knowing our kids would be taken care of, just in case. Life insurance provides a critical layer of stability for the household if the worst were to happen.<\/p>\n Listen and subscribe to The Financial Samurai podcast on\u00a0Apple<\/strong><\/a>\u00a0or\u00a0Spotify<\/strong><\/a>. I interview experts in their respective fields and discuss some of the most interesting topics on this site. Your shares, ratings, and reviews are appreciated.<\/p>\nSome Important Truths About Being a Stay-at-Home Dad (SAHD)<\/h2>\n
1) You\u2019ll Be Part of a Small Minority<\/h3>\n
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<\/figure>\nSAHDs Must Learn to Adapt to Awkward Situations<\/h3>\n
2) Other Men and Women May Not Give You the Respect You Seek<\/h3>\n
3) You Will Be Taken for Granted, No Matter How Hard You Try<\/strong><\/h3>\n
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<\/figure>\n4) Losing Money And Falling Behind In Your Career Will Sting<\/h3>\n
All Or Nothing Is Not Ideal<\/h3>\n
Choosing Time With Your Kids Over Money and Meetings<\/h3>\n
Some Great Benefits of Being a Stay-at-Home Dad (SAHD)<\/h2>\n
1) Your Wife Or Spouse Can Never Call You a Deadbeat Dad<\/h3>\n
2) You\u2019ll Likely Develop a Closer Relationship With Your Kids<\/h3>\n
3) You\u2019ll Catch Developmental Issues Sooner<\/strong><\/h3>\n
4) You\u2019ll Have More Energy and Enthusiasm to Engage<\/h3>\n
5) The Days Are Long, But You’ll Be Able To Slow Down The Years<\/h3>\n
Start Small and Build Up<\/h3>\n
Typical Developmental Milestones for Babies And Toddlers (0-24 Months)<\/h3>\n
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The Value of Witnessing Milestones <\/h3>\n
![\"Giving](\"https:\/\/i2.wp.com\/financialsamurai.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2024\/09\/letting-go.jpeg\")
6) You’ll develop greater patience and empathy<\/h3>\n
Why I No Longer Call Myself a Stay-at-Home Dad<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Suggestions For Parents<\/h2>\n
Subscribe To Financial Samurai<\/h2>\n