Have you ever frustratingly mumbled to your partner that it \u201cmust be nice to have a partner who walks the dog\u201d in hopes of them walking the dog more often? Or have you ever sighed that you\u2019ll \u201cjust do the errands alone\u201d even though you don\u2019t want to? Turns out, you may be dry begging, a tool that people use in relationships of all sorts to get their needs met.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
\u201cDry begging is when someone indirectly asks for something. There\u2019s a need there, but they\u2019re not stating it clearly,\u201d said Aerial Cetnar<\/a>, a therapist and owner of Boulder Therapy and Wellness<\/a> in Colorado. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n Instead of making a straightforward request or voicing a direct want, someone who is dry begging hints at a need or makes a vague complaint, Cetnar added.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n So, instead of stating, \u201cI wish we spent more time together,\u201d someone who is dry begging may say, \u201cOh, I guess I\u2019ll just stay home with the cat\u201d \u2014 they\u2019re hinting at their displeasure instead of addressing it.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cI\u2019ll say it can come from a place of insecurity, fear or manipulation,\u201d said Tori-Lyn Mills<\/a>, a licensed clinical professional counsellor with Thriveworks in Columbia, MD<\/a>. But it can also be something that folks grew up with and learned as a way to get their needs met, Mills added.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n It\u2019s also not an official psychological term that you\u2019ll find in mental health literature, said Cetnar \u2014 \u201cregardless, it\u2019s very much a thing.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n While it can feel easier than directly asking for what you want, dry begging really isn\u2019t meant for the long haul. Here\u2019s why.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n According to Mills, dry begging can weaponise emotion and empathy while also shifting responsibility in a situation. It can \u201ceven weaponise a person\u2019s role as a partner, specifically in romantic relationships,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n For example, in a romantic relationship, if one partner wants to have sex and the other doesn\u2019t, instead of flat-out saying how they feel, someone who is dry begging may say something like \u201cwell, most people would be happy that their partner wants to have sex with them all the time [and] is attracted to them all the time,\u201d Mills said.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n This can put the other partner in a position where they feel guilty about not wanting to have sex in the moment. It can even put responsibility on them and make them think, \u201cOh, I should be happy about this,\u201d Mills noted.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cIt\u2019s kind of like \u2014 I should be giving into this. That\u2019s how dry begging can work,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n If this sounds manipulative, it\u2019s because it often is.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n If it becomes a pattern, that\u2019s a red flag for manipulation, Cetnar said. More, if the partner ends up doing things they don\u2019t want to do without ever being clearly asked, it\u2019s another red flag, she said.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cIt\u2019s not always manipulative \u2014 it certainly can be \u2014 but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. First, look at what\u2019s the intention and is it a pattern,\u201d Cetnar said. Once again, if it\u2019s a pattern, that is not OK.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n If it\u2019s just an occasional happening, it probably isn\u2019t a big deal, she said.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Dry begging is often linked to narcissism, and while both experts said it certainly can be a tool narcissists use to get their needs met, not everyone who occasionally dry begs is a narcissist. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cWith narcissism, there is a high level of entitlement. You may get a hint or a prompt, but you could get a lot more covert demands,\u201d said Mills.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n In the case of a narcissist and dry begging, they may explicitly try to elicit guilt in their partner when they dry beg or weaponise empathy to get their partner to do what they want, Mills explained.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cNarcissists are typically seen as manipulative. And so there can be an overlap,\u201d Cetnar added. Narcissists are often needy, too, she said, and dry begging is definitively needy behaviour.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cI\u2019m just going to continue to passively say something or ask for something in the hopes that people will just give me what I want,\u201d Cetnar added.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n Akio Maeshima via Getty Images<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div> Someone who engages in dry begging by saying things like, \u201cOh, it must be nice to have a husband who cooks\u201d or \u201cI guess I\u2019ll just hang up these pictures alone\u201d instead of directly asking for what they want may grow resentful of their partner when they don\u2019t get the hints.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cBecause they thinking that they\u2019re asking for something, but they\u2019re not,\u201d said Cetnar.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cThey\u2019re not being very clear about it,\u201d she added. Your partner may not understand that you\u2019re asking for help with something or may even choose to ignore your passive statements.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n It can be uncomfortable to flat-out tell someone you want them to prioritize time together or need them to help around the house more, which can make dry begging a more comfortable way of dealing with the ask.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n People who tend to dry beg may be doing it out of a place of insecurity, said Mills. They may not want to get their feelings hurt if they hear a \u201cno\u201d to their request or may even worry that they\u2019re asking for too much.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n For some people, this is, once again, a learned behaviour. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cIt\u2019s common that people are not really taught how to ask for things in a way that\u2019s really clear and direct,\u201d said Cetnar. \u201cSometimes they resort to dry begging because it feels like it\u2019s a hint and they\u2019d rather it be a hint that gets rejected than a clear ask to be rejected,\u201d she noted.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n In the end, dry begging comes from a place of needs needing to be met, Cetnar said, and is likely common in those who have trouble expressing their needs and vulnerabilities. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cThis could be coming from a certain person who grew up in an environment in which maybe it was a bit uncomfortable to ask for things,\u201d she noted.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n The first step to dealing with dry begging, whether it\u2019s you doing it or your partner, is awareness. You can\u2019t fix a behaviour if you don\u2019t know it exists.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n If you dry beg your partner, ask yourself how you can start implementing direct communication, said Mills, and consider what needs of yours aren\u2019t being met before you make a passive comment.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n If you feel lonely, consider how to ask your partner to spend more time with you instead of hinting at it, Mills noted.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n You can even tell your partner you\u2019re working on this so they know to expect more direct communication and direct asks from you, Mills said.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n \u201cThat way, they can practice and they can have feedback and feel supported in trying to make a positive change,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n If you are in a relationship with someone who is dry begging, start to notice it and acknowledge when someone is making a request by saying something like \u201cIs this a request? It sounds like you are asking for something here,\u201d Cetnar said. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n This can open up the conversation and encourage your partner to explicitly state their needs so there is no guesswork or resentment.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n If your partner isn\u2019t willing to change and continues to manipulate you, it\u2019s worth considering if the relationship is worth it. But, for someone who does this as a learned behaviour or because of difficulty expressing emotions, there is hope for change.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\nDry begging weaponises emotion.<\/strong><\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
In some cases (but not all), it can be a narcissistic tendency. <\/strong><\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
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<\/picture><\/div>\nIt can lead to resentment.<\/strong><\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
People likely do this because they don\u2019t know how to ask for what they want.<\/strong><\/h2>\n<\/p>\n
Here\u2019s how to deal with dry begging:<\/strong><\/h2>\n<\/p>\n