{"id":290594,"date":"2025-06-13T06:22:06","date_gmt":"2025-06-13T06:22:06","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/peraltafinancing.com\/uncategorized\/5-questions-we-should-stop-asking-lgbtq-parents\/"},"modified":"2025-06-13T06:22:06","modified_gmt":"2025-06-13T06:22:06","slug":"5-questions-we-should-stop-asking-lgbtq-parents","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=290594","title":{"rendered":"5 Questions We Should Stop Asking LGBTQ+ Parents"},"content":{"rendered":"


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\"two-dads-with-child\"<\/p>\n

June is the perfect time to reflect on how we\u2019re doing with making LGBTQ+ parents feel welcomed in social situations. Whether you\u2019re an ally or part of the rainbow community, there\u2019s always more to think about, learn, and un-learn when it comes to treating queer families with respect.\u00a0<\/p>\n

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Stop Asking LGBTQ+ Parents These 5 Questions<\/h2>\n

A good place to start is to consider what you should (and shouldn’t) be asking LGBTQ+ parents or parents-to-be. Here are five common questions to stop asking LGBTQ+ parents – and what you should think about asking them instead!<\/p>\n

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1. \u201cWhich one of you is the real mother\/father\/parent?\u201d<\/h3>\n

While this question often stems from simple curiosity, it\u2019s actually looking for an extremely personal answer. What you\u2019re really asking is an explanation of whose sperm<\/a> and\/or egg<\/a> was used in creating this family\u2019s child. Pretty personal, right?<\/p>\n

Jennifer Tharrington, Adoption and Assisted Reproduction Attorney, discusses this question in her post, \u201cThings Not to Ask Same-Sex Parents.\u201d To avoid appearing and being invasive, Tharrington recommends that with questions like this, we should \u201crun that through the \u2018would I ask a heterosexual person this question\u2019 test.\u201d If you\u2019ve never asked a cis\/straight presenting couple this question, or wouldn\u2019t think to do so, you can apply the same logic to any parents.\u00a0<\/p>\n

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2. \u201cDid you use a surrogate or do IVF?\u201d<\/h3>\n

Let\u2019s unpack this question and explain why it\u2019s inappropriate and inherently transphobic. There\u2019s a fascination with queer parents creating children<\/a> that\u2019s a huge double standard \u2013 people often feel entitled to information based on assumptions they make about a person\u2019s reproductive status. We don\u2019t feel the same entitlement when it comes to heterosexual-presenting couples, which means (refer to the first question) we have a problem.\u00a0<\/p>\n

For example, when someone sees a couple they perceive as being both men, they assume they both have male sex reproductive systems (assigned male at birth, or AMAB). So one could jump to the conclusion that in order to have a biological child, they\u2019d need a donor egg<\/a> and a gestational carrier, or surrogate.\u00a0<\/p>\n

But by making an intrinsic connection between sex and gender, we\u2019re not allowing space for trans people<\/a> to be normal parents, just like everyone else. A good rule of thumb? Never make assumptions!<\/p>\n\n

Want to learn more about trans fertility?<\/h4>\n

\"Trans<\/a><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n\n

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3. \u201cAre you worried they won\u2019t have a male\/female role model without a father\/mother?\u201d<\/h3>\n

This question is socially and<\/em> scientifically dated. Firstly, it comes from the idea that children need a parent of \u201cboth\u201d genders \u2014 which subscribes to the trans-excluding theory of a strict gender binary. As a non-binary person, I\u2019m often tempted to interject: \u201cAre you worried your child won\u2019t have an enby role model, without a non-binary parent?\u201d<\/p>\n

Also, we now have scientific proof that children\u2019s mental health, overall happiness, and resiliency don\u2019t rely on having parents of specific genders, sexualities, or romantic orientations. In 2018, a 30-year study<\/a> was published in the New England Journal of Medicine that compared the children of queer parent families with cishet \u201ctraditional\u201d families over time.<\/p>\n

The lead doctor in the study, Nanette Garttel, M.D., explained that their findings prove there are \u201cno significant between-group differences with respect to adaptive functioning (family, friends, spouse or partner relationships, and educational or job performance), behavioral or emotional problems, scores on mental health diagnostic scales\u2026\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

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4. \u201cHow much did it cost for you to have a baby?\u201d\u00a0<\/h3>\n

While I\u2019m all for more transparency about finances in our society, this is still an extremely personal<\/span> question.<\/p>\n

It isn\u2019t customary for most people to freely share the details of their own medical and wellness bills, so there\u2019s no reason to expect someone else to share them. While your question might stem from a place of genuine curiosity, concern, or compassion, that doesn\u2019t mean it\u2019s appropriate. Questions about finances<\/a> can feel objectifying and intrusive.\u00a0<\/p>\n

In our conversation guide for the holidays<\/a>, LGBTQ+ dad Mark Zola reminded us that a great way to counter intrusive questions is to simply reply: \u201cWhy are you asking?\u201d This can help someone pause and think about what kind of answer they\u2019re actually looking for and what their motivation might be.<\/p>\n

And if you\u2019re someone genuinely interested, take the burden off LGBTQ+ parents to walk you through these processes! There are hundreds of resources available online \u2013 including our own guides to IVF and surrogacy costs<\/a>.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n

Read one family’s surrogacy journey:<\/h4>\n

\"Read<\/a><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n\n

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5. \u201cWhen are you going to tell your child the truth about their birth?\u201d\u00a0<\/h3>\n

This is just the wrong question, according to Adoption and Assisted Reproduction Attorney Jennifer Tharrington. She explains that children know who their parents are, and the \u201ctruth\u201d that needs to be \u201ctold\u201d is actually discussing with your child that they live in a society where some people might disrespect and invalidate their loving family.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf anything,\u201d says Tharrington<\/a>, \u201cit\u2019s difficult for same-sex parents to decide when to tell their kids the truth about ignorance, hate, and intolerance. That\u2019s the hard truth here.\u201d<\/p>\n

Therapist and family-building expert Lisa Schuman offers these tips<\/a> for parents who want to talk to their children about donor conception and their creation story.<\/p>\n

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Questions to Start Asking LGBTQ+ Parents<\/h2>\n

OK, so we\u2019ve covered what to avoid \u2013 but what should you ask instead? Luckily, the answers are delightfully familiar questions that will spark fun conversations about parenthood. Some suggestions from us:<\/p>\n